“Seriously?”
“No, not seriously! Of course with the Queen, you nitwit!”
“How?”
Garran’s head sagged and he groaned. “This is what happens when you dump a boy off with a bunch of damned priests. You and I really need to sit down and have a talk about men and women.”
“I understand how! I mean…how?”
Garran smiled. “I used my most powerful charms. That’s how.”
“Oh my god, you drugged her?”
“No, you prick!” Garran pressed a hand to his forehead. “I am not up for this kind of conversation with you just yet. Like I told you; the Queen is a woman with unmet sexual needs…nigh-insatiable sexual needs.”
“Damn it, Garran, she is a married woman and the Queen! You could have gotten us both thrown into prison or executed!”
“Oh, please, Mathias doesn’t give a damn as long as it’s discrete. Hell, he’s probably glad someone relieves him of the burden. You know, for being the heir to the most powerful kingdom in the world, you don’t know a thing about court life. Besides, I prepared for the possibility. You know that.”
“Did you drop the key into the correct cell this time?” Adam asked sarcastically.
Garran looked around the room. “You know, I’m not sure what I did with it. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now. We got our army. I’ll explain the details once we’re on the road.”
Garran stood and bent to retrieve his clothes from the floor.
“What the hell is that?” Adam exclaimed as he watched Garran.
Garran looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes. “Don’t act as if you’ve never seen my ass before. Stop being such a prude.”
Adam pointed. “What the hell is hanging out of it?”
“Huh?” Garran spun to get a look at whatever it was that had Adam so flustered and felt something slap against his thigh. Bending double at the waist, he looked between his legs.
Adam averted his eyes. “Don’t bend over! That makes it so much worse!”
“So that’s where those went.”
“What the hell are they?”
“Those are ass beads.”
“What are they doing hanging out of your backside?”
Garran straightened up and blinked uncomprehendingly. “I think the name does an adequate job of describing their purpose.”
“Why would you put them in there?”
“Firstly, I am only one of two…or five, people who might have done the actual insertion. Secondly, if I have to explain it, there is no way you are going to understand it, so let’s just forego your usual judgments and deal with the situation like adults.”
“Deal with it how exactly?”
“I need you to pull them out.”
“Like hell! I’m not pulling them out!”
“They damn well can’t stay in there!”
“Why do I have to pull them out? You put them in there, you pull them out.”
“Unproven accusations aside, I believe those were the draw cords once attached to the curtains, and their length could be quite substantial. Pulling them out at the wrong angle could do some real damage, so I need you to do it.”
Adam crossed his arms. “You should have thought of that before using your anus like a rucksack.”
Garran grinned. “Hey, maybe that key is at the end of them.”
“This is not funny!”
“It is a little.”
“Not. At. All.” Adam looked around the room. “Maybe we can tie a cord to them and attach the other end to the door hand or something. Then you can pull them out yourself.”
Garran shook his head. “It won’t work.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because they’re ass beads, not a loose tooth!” Garran began backing toward Adam. “Now, pull out my ass beads.”
Adam backed away, his hands held high. “No! Get away from me!”
Adam tried to retreat through the bedroom door, but Garran managed to block his path and backed him into the corner of the room.
“Just grab the end and I’ll walk them out,” Garran ordered.
Adam held his hands over his head and tried desperately to push himself through the wall. “No, I’m not touching anything that has been in your ass!”
Both men looked over when they heard someone gasp. A chambermaid stood in the doorway holding a stack of folded linens, her eyes wide and her hand held over her mouth.
“This is not what it looks like,” Adam swore.
Garran swiveled his head toward her as he bent forward in front of Adam. “It is a little.”
The poor woman averted her eyes and fled from the room.
“I suppose that could have gone have better,” Garran said.
With a frustrated growl, Adam grabbed the dangling end of beads and gave them a yank as if he were spinning a giant top. Garran stumbled forward and sank to his knees next to the bed with a groan.
“Are we finished here?” Adam asked hostilely.
Garran gasped as he tried to catch his breath. “I know I am. Whew, I thought the Queen had pumped that well dry last night. Help me find my boots.”
Garran ducked down and looked beneath the bed. He leapt away as a small, furry shape rolled out and streaked from the room.
“I’ll be damned,” Garran muttered. “He was real.”
“Was that…a tiny man in a bear suit?” Adam asked, unable to reconcile his mind to what he saw.
“Yeah…things got…things got a little weird last night.”
Adam turned and stalked from the room.
“Where are you going?”
“I am going to go pray for your soul.”
“Good luck with that,” Garran scoffed as he sat on the bed and laced up his boots.
***
Gregor slapped Gordon with enough force to stagger him. “You stupid sonofabitch!”
Gordon wiped a trickle of blood from his mouth and stood straight. “That is the last time you raise a hand against me, Agent Ward.”
Gregor advanced, his hand reaching back for another strike. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“I am the King! I am your King, and you will begin treating me as such!”
“Do not forget who made you King.”
“How can I when you take every opportunity to remind me? I know who made me King, and I know how to follow orders. The people know who pulls my strings, but knowing it in their minds and feeling it in their hearts are two very different things. The only reason this coup of yours went off so well was that they had lost faith in Remiel. There are still people within this city and across the kingdom who want to see my wife on the throne and all three of our heads adorning the walls. When you openly undermine and mock me, you give credence to their propaganda and fuel the fires of rebellion.”
“Our young friend is right, Agent Ward,” Joshua Roux said. “We made him King, and we need to, at least publicly, show that he is a leader to be respected. Agent Law’s defeat was a serious blow but a temporary one. Count us fortunate that he survived and will mend.”
Gregor glared at Gordon a moment and stepped back. “All right. It’s nice to see you are finally growing some balls, Gordon. Just make sure they don’t get so big that you step on them. Victor is gravely wounded, and Holt and Adam are still running amok plotting our demise.”
“I did what anyone would have done in my position. Victor is the one who nearly got himself killed, not me.”
“Fine, he underestimated Holt. Do you have another move, or shall I do my job?”
“Perhaps if you had done it properly, we could have resolved this issue months ago.”
Gregor cocked back his fist to strike Gordon, but he held it in check when the door opened and Dragoslav entered the room.
“You wanted me?” He looked at the irate senior agent and smirked. “Gregor.”
Gregor returned his look with a scowl. “Zeegers.” He turned to Gordon. “This is your plan, to counter a lunatic with a psychopath?”
/>
“Dragoslav has acquitted himself very well,” Joshua said.
“Yeah, he’s a good dog until he decides to turn on you. There is a reason I tossed him into a hole never to see the light of day again.”
“For which I say let bygones be bygones,” Dragoslav said. “I’m just happy to serve my kingdom once again.”
“While it’s convenient.”
“We’ve all got our motivations.”
“Dragoslav,” Gordon interrupted, “you have likely heard of Agent Ward’s failure. I have just received a missive via diplomatic courier that Agent Holt and Adam Altena left Opatia several days ago and appeared to be heading toward Artemisia. I need you to kill Agent Holt and bring Adam back here. Can you do that?”
“If he can die, I can kill him.”
“Garran nearly killed my best agent, Dragoslav,” Gregor said. “Do not discount him no matter what you think you know about him.”
“Victor was never your best agent, Gregor. If you weren’t so high and mighty about being transcended, you would know that. Victor got beat because he was arrogant enough to fight him. My ego doesn’t require such foolish affirmation. He’ll be dead before he knows he’s been engaged.”
“I have the utmost faith in you, Dragoslav,” Gordon said. “If you leave now and use the courier line, you should be able to reach Merribourne ahead of them or shortly after they arrive. They will likely engage Callum and beg for support as they have done in Arnao and Opatia. From there, I suspect they will take a ship, but to where I cannot say.”
Dragoslav ducked his head and departed.
“What do we know about his meeting with Ingrid?” Joshua asked.
“She flatly refused to aid him other than to offer them her hospitality,” Gordon answered. “She sympathizes with their plight and all but confessed to financially aiding Remiel, but her direct support died with him.”
“I would not be too sure about that,” Gregor interjected. “She met them in open court where she knows we have spies. Of course she denied them in such a public forum. That does not mean they did not engage in further talks in private.”
“Do you think she will move against us?” Joshua asked. “Opatia can muster a respectable army on short notice if they have to.”
“I doubt it. If she does, we will know long before they can cross the border. Our standing forces are likely enough to prevent her from launching a successful invasion. They would never make it anywhere near Leva, and she knows it.”
“That would be true if half of them weren’t off chasing these damned barbarians across my kingdom!” Gordon exclaimed.
Joshua nodded. “They are becoming a nuisance and are cutting into our profits deep enough to make us bleed. I will order The Guild to recruit a legion of mercenaries to deal with the Hillmen so our home forces can protect the capital and guard the border just in case Ingrid is foolish enough to take advantage of the distraction. I only need two years at most to replace her just as we did Remiel.”
Gordon smiled. “It appears that we have everything in hand.”
Gregor scoffed and shook his head. “If you think that, then you are a fool.”
CHAPTER 27
Garran and Adam’s steeds plodded on, the methodical clopping of hooves against the cobblestones moving them inexorably south to Artemisia and its coastal capital. Seagulls glided and squalled over the city. They competed with the pigeons for food outside café and plaza as well as covering everything in their droppings.
The smell of the sea permeated the air even inside halls of Merribourne’s grand palace. Thanks to liberal use of lavender and other exotic scents, the air was pleasing, unlike that of the city’s vast harbor. Adam and Garran followed the sound of rushing water and found a spectacular fountain located in a grand open plaza.
The fountain was set in the center of a massive, circular pool some fifty feet in diameter. A raised ring of marble encircled it to allow visitors to sit next to it and enjoy the live coral and aquatic life living within. An army of workers patrolled the grounds, chasing away all aerial invaders and ensuring the palace remained unsoiled.
Adam sat upon the marble bench and gazed into the water. “This is magnificent! Do you see all the fish?”
Garran curled his lip, unimpressed. “Too small to eat.”
“There are purposes to life other than food.”
“They’re definitely too small to screw.”
“Even for you?”
“Even for you?” Garran mimicked and made a rude gesture.
“Seriously, why can you not simply appreciate the beauty in something?”
“People like me do not have time for things that do not serve an immediate purpose. If it does not bring us closer to our goals or desires, then it has no use.”
“Sometimes, I don’t know whether to hate you or pity you.”
“You can’t do both?”
The arrival of King Callum and Queen Isobel forestalled Adam’s retort. He and Garran stood and bowed at the monarchs’ approach. Callum was a man near his father’s age, tall, proud, and still handsome despite the deepening creases across his brow and corners of his eyes. Isobel was strikingly beautiful and some fifteen years younger than her husband.
“Your Majesties,” Adam welcomed, “thank you for seeing us on such short notice.”
Callum extended his hand and clasped Adam’s wrist. “We have heard so much about your goings on these last several months. I could hardly refuse to greet the men who have given The Guild so much grief as of late. Come, let us sit here at the fountain and discuss things.”
Adam and Garran resumed their seats. “I must profess that I am a little surprised that you wished to speak to us in such an open and public place,” Adam said as the royal couple sat next to him.
Callum smiled. “Isobel and I come here often to speak with people regarding sensitive subjects. The openness shows we have nothing to hide, while the sound of the fountain ensures that no one can eavesdrop on our conversation.”
Adam looked around and noted the number of people strolling through the plaza. He was unable to discern the words of those in conversation even when they passed within a few paces of where they sat.
“Very wise, Your Highness.”
Callum smiled and nodded. “Beautiful yet functional, just as my grandfather desired when he had it built.”
Adam elbowed Garran. “Do you hear that? Beautiful and functional.”
Garran scowled. “Yeah, like crotchless silk panties. Elbow me again and I’ll show you another function it serves by drowning you in it.”
Adam turned back to Callum and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Agent Holt is a hopeless deviant and drug addict who is currently moody from withdrawal of both vices.”
Isobel leaned over and patted Garran on the knee. “It is all right. I am no stranger to such things and know it can be quite vexing.”
Garran arched his eyebrows. “Really, you?”
The Queen clapped a hand to her chest and giggled. “Oh no, not me personally. My brother has always been a free spirit, and I have seen firsthand what such frivolity can induce in a body.”
“Speaking of inducing things in a body…” Garran grunted when Adam’s elbow caught him in the side. “That was your last free one! One more jab and I’ll hold you down until the bubbles stop! Your last words will be glub glub glub!”
Isobel wore a smile, but Callum was less amused. “Gentlemen, if we could return to the matter at hand.”
“My apologies, Highness,” Adam said. “Garran can be…I do not even have words for what he can be except for effective when he directs his skills to the proper task. Callum, you hate The Guild as much as anyone does. Your people still celebrate a freedom they lost when The Guild took over the greatest fleet in the world. With your help, your proud people can return to the seas as masters of their own ships and fortunes. They could once again own the ships they captain instead of being forced to lease them from The Guild. You could double the size of your fl
eet if independent merchants and captains could once again forge their own destinies.”
“Everything you say is true, Adam. I wish my father had listened to your grandfather when he warned of The Guild’s rising power. Instead, they chose to avoid the inevitable conflict, and now we all must live within their shadow. I do not have a powerful army, and now I cannot ask for Anatolia’s support in defending my kingdom. If you fail, I will lose my kingdom. Of that I am certain.”
Adam laid a hand on Callum’s shoulder. “The Guild is going to take it anyway. Of that, I am certain. They did it to my father, and they are going to do it to Opatia. Arnao is already under their thumb, and they will continue to do it until they have uncontested power in every kingdom in the land.”
Callum sighed and hung his head. “At least the only blood that will spill will be mine. My people would fight to defend me, and they would die by the thousands.”
“They are dying now, only slowly, and not just them, but their children and the children not even yet born.”
“How many will never be born if we go to war?”
Isobel stood and pulled on Callum’s arm. “Let me speak a moment with my husband.”
Isobel led Callum to the far side of the fountain. Adam watched the royal couple engage in what appeared to be a heated debate given the Queen’s animated gestures.
Garran poked Adam in the ribs with his elbow. “See that? Once again, the woman comes to our defense. You’re welcome.”
Adam slapped at Garran’s prodding elbow. “You honestly think this has anything to do with you?”
“Of course it does! You watch. Later tonight, I will receive a secret message to meet someone somewhere. That somewhere will be a boudoir and Isobel will be the someone.”
“You seriously think that Queen Isobel is going to invite you to have an affair.”
“It happens all the time.”
“By women in power?”
Garran shrugged. “Sometimes.”
“Who look like her?”
“It’s a sound theory!”
“It is delusional.”
“You saw what happened in Betham.”
“With Ingrid—a middle-aged, overweight, emotionally deprived woman with a sexual appetite nearly as depraved as your own. Isobel might not be the sharpest sword in the rack, but she is stunningly beautiful and likely has no trouble finding gratification.”
The Agent Page 27