by V. K. Ludwig
I scoffed and forced another sip of coffee down my throat, then sat up straight. “Even if he tried to change it, there’s no way the other Wardens would agree. If they already made such a fuss about the adoptions, they would never change something they call a tra-di-tion.”
“Most likely not,” Anna said, observing me from a lowered head. “But he probably would change it if he could.”
“Probably…” A lump of agony formed at the back of my throat, raising the pitch of my voice. “He was so nervous when we first brought Gabi home. Didn’t even wanna touch him; he was so scared he might accidentally kill him or something. Now he falls to sleep on the couch with him on his chest every evening. Or used to.”
“I saw him taking walks with Gabi almost every morning. He put the hat on inside out, but it’s the thought that counts, right?”
“Hmm.”
“Hmmmm…” She stretched the sound, creating enough pause for me to remember Torin’s shock during the first diaper change. Or the way he dried the babies at the Vault. “For someone who’s never had contact with a baby before, I think he made a fine dad.” One second after that, she slipped off her barstool and wrapped her arms around me. “Oh come here, let it all out.”
Did I cry?
I must have because she pressed me tight, and I watched how tiny droplets pooled on the black fabric of her dress, slowly soaking her shoulder.
“I m-miss him.” It came out stammered, my entire body slipping into one big convulsion. “Why do I miss him like that when I’m supposed to hate him?”
“You know why.”
Because I loved him.
Fucking shit.
I let myself fall in love with the Vetusian who captured me.
His voice resonated in my skull.
I am still learning.
“I said terrible things to him that afternoon.” Trembles washed over my body, making doubt rise and fall with each tear. “You should have seen how his face paled when I said he was probably defective. I shouldn’t have sent him away, but I was… I was so hurt… and…”
“Call him.”
“You think I didn’t try? His com has been dead for days, and nobody knows where he is. He left Earth days ago.” My ribs twisted around my heart at the thought, stuffing it in a cage of pain. “Maybe if I would just have slept a night on it. Torin was so good to me. I shouldn’t have thrown in the towel right away. All he needed was time, and I just kicked him out. Oh… oh… shit —”
I slipped off the barstool and run around to corner to the small bathroom.
Knees aching against the tiles, I once more lost my breakfast to the white ceramic surrounding my head. My grunts mixed with Gabi’s first warning wails. Awesome. Now I had to choose between cleaning my teeth or preparing a bottle first.
“There’s a guy at the door.” Anna’s voice came from behind.
I brushed my hair out of my face. “What guy?”
“A hottie of a healer. Said his name was Melek.”
“Ugh…” I spit into the toilet and waited a few more seconds, then got up when nothing else came. “Tell him I’ll be right there. Could you —”
“I’ll grab him, but you’ll have to make the bottle.”
I leaned over the sink and sloshed some water, haphazardly cleaning myself with a splash and a wipe. A glance in the mirror confirmed I looked like shit, my eyes puffy, and my lips chapped from all those tissues I had dragged over my face for nights.
When I stepped around the corner, Anna nervously fumbled with the milk synthesizer, while Melek let my son dangle from his hands.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
The corners of his mouth lifted even higher. “I’ve never seen a baby before. And now I’m holding one.”
“No, I mean, what are you doing here?” Too enthralled, Melek didn’t answer but pressed Gabi against his chest instead, so I joined Anna and took over bottle duty. “Always make sure you support his head. He doesn’t have the strength yet to do it himself.”
“Got it,” he said, followed by fingers gently exploring every inch of Gabi’s face. “You think I was that ugly as a baby? Why does he have so many wrinkles?”
“Because he spent a year submerged in fluid, perhaps?”
I swiped over the holographic buttons of the synthesizer, which quickly dispensed a yellowish liquid into the bottler. All the while, Gabi’s face wrinkled even more, his fascination with that stranger soon replaced with hunger and screams.
That’s where Melek’s fascination ended as well. “He doesn’t like me.”
“He’s just hungry.”
“Can I feed him?”
I eyed him for a moment, then gave a whatever kind of sigh and pointed at the couch. “Cradle him in one arm, but slightly upright so he won’t choke.”
Anna followed behind but quickly took me into a hug. “I’m going home. You com me if you need anything, okay? Three in the morning. Eleven at night. Doesn’t matter.”
I bit down another wave of tears and nodded, soaking in her embrace for just a moment longer before I wiggled out and handed Melek the bottle, while Anna let herself out.
“This way?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “Make sure it lines up like this, so he won’t swallow so much air.”
A gentle laugh blew from his nostrils. “This is by far the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Am I doing this right?”
“Yeah, you’re doing great.”
“I should have gone to training, so I could treat children. But I didn’t expect them to be this… adorable.”
“I’ll com you when he has another blowout diaper, okay? Then we’ll see if you still find them so adorable.” I forced a chuckle. “Why are you here?”
His smile slipped off his face, and frown lines creased his forehead instead. “Eden, I need your help. They found my match.”
For a moment, my chest lightened. “I’m so happy for you. I remember how you told me you would give everything to find her.”
“No, listen…” He released a wavy breath, his face going bloodless. “Nobody understands how this could have happened, but the female matches another Vetusian as well. A warrior. And they’re considering assigning her to him instead of me.”
“But…” My pain shifted, quickly aching for this healer who had always tried to help me, though I didn’t recognize it as such. “I thought you only share the Gaia link with one person?”
He shrugged. “Which is why they’re investigating it and all. Something like this has never happened before, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re going to assign her to him.”
“Why not you?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” He bit his lip so hard I expected blood to burst from a cut at any moment. “I’m a recovered addict, Eden. The other guy has a higher rank, higher pay. The fact that the Commander demoted me after you ran didn’t help either.” Pleading eyes searched for mine, their color leached by souldust. “I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t desperate, okay? Please talk to the Commander and convince him to put in a word for me. He’ll listen to you. I’m convinced he will.”
I stared at him for long seconds, my heart shattering anew. “Melek, I’d love to but —”
“Eden, please. I’ve worked three times the regular workload ever since I met you. You hit me with a tray. You fucking scratched me up. Can’t you just do that for me?”
“Melek…” I placed my hand onto his shoulder. “I kicked him out and haven’t seen Torin in days. He won’t answer his com. From what I was told, he’s not even on Earth anymore.”
Posture slumped, eyes going unfocused, he frantically shook his head. “No. No. No…. This can’t be happening.”
He began rocking back and forth in a self-consoling manner, causing Gabi to stretch his arms and arch his back in response.
“Let me take him.”
I lifted Gabi from his lap and continued feeding him. All the while, Melek sunk his face into his palms, his chest still for several seconds.
<
br /> “I’m so sorry, Melek. You get I’d help you if I could, right? I’ve been trying to reach him for days, but he won’t pick up, and because he’s not on Earth —”
“He’s on Odheim.” Came from splayed fingers. “From what I heard, he called in a public vote yesterday, which is supposed to take place at the Imperial Assembly in sector one tomorrow.”
A sudden coldness hit me at the core, stopping all blood in my veins until I turned dizzy. “What kind of vote?”
But Melek didn’t answer. He continued the back and forth of his body, the motion bouncing off his knees.
“Melek!”
“I don’t know!” he shouted and jumped up, fisting his blond strands until they strained his scalp, his face wearing a mask of anguish. “No, no, no. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening.” He repeated it another three times before he punched his fists against his forehead. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to get clean? The moment they announced Garrison Earth, I hauled my ass to rehab. So I could find her. Be there for her. And be worthy of her.”
“Melek, getting clean was a major achievement and —”
“And it will be for nothing if I can’t have her.” His hands alternated between stretching and fisting, flailing with the way his arms trembled.
If the shattering of hope had a sound, it must have been that soul-stabbing groan coming from deep within his chest. “I don’t want to be alone in this world anymore. It’s not a life worth living, Eden. You don’t believe in fate, but I do. I was born to love her.”
His words stung in a place I could have sworn didn’t exist before Torin. No man had ever connected with me in the way he did. He ran so deep he reached around my soul and into its core.
“How long until they’ll decide?”
He shrugged. “Tomorrow? Now? Five minutes ago?”
“What if I go to the Imperial Assembly tomorrow and try to talk to him? Can you make them hold off until then?”
“I have no idea.” Hurried steps carried him over to the window where he leaned his forehead against the glass. “I’m not like Warden Torin, Eden. Just a damn rank two fucking sgu’dal healer.”
“Melek, I’ve seen my fair share of addicts at the hospitals,” I said. “You should be proud of yourself.”
He scoffed. “What’s it worth now? Might just go back to old habits if this is where my search ends. Her name’s Katy, and she’s got a daughter. Grace. And I was supposed to be there for them.” His head clonked against the window. “I swear shit like that only happens to me. I racked up more trouble in my life than all the Vetusians in my healer squad combined.”
Whatever blood I had left in my face I felt drain away, leaving my cheeks numb. “Can you take me there tomorrow? To the Imperial assembly?”
Melek’s focus went back to Gabi, who shoved his little hand over my ear, his hunger satisfied. “Grace is fifteen. Wouldn’t that have been nice? Spend forty-three moon cycles in rehab and get a family as a reward? Become a mate and a dad at the same time?”
“I’m so, so sorry for letting you down again.”
“Letting me down?” He scorned, walking over to us and lifting Gabi from my arms. “Seems like fate let both of us down.”
“There’s still hope, Melek.”
He cradled Gabriel in his arms, his smile pained but sincere. “May I ask why you kicked him out?”
“He didn’t tell me that I’ll have to give our children away to the stratum once they’re four,” I said, the words burning even more than they had that afternoon. “Actually, I didn’t send him away because he didn’t tell me. I did it because he seemed so convinced that it was completely fine, and I just had to live with it.”
Melek pulled a tissue from one of his many pockets and wiped the milk drool off a corner of Gabriel’s mouth. “I… I honestly had no idea that would continue. They’d have to rip my child from my stiff arms because there’s no way I’d let them take my child that young.” He blew out a sigh. “Guess it won’t ever be something I’ll have to concern myself with.”
“I love him.”
One moment it was a thought, the next a statement casually tossed into the room. Why I said that I had no idea. But there was something very relieving to it.
It was the first time I had spoken those words as a statement, not a question, or a way to hurt Torin. The first time they’d held no malice, or doubt, or concern, or paralyzing shame. Only sobering truth.
“I remember the day the Commander caught your fall,” he said. “When I tried to lift you from his arms, he literally growled at me.”
An unexpected puff of air snorted from my nostrils. “He did that?”
“Oh, yeah. Scared me shitless. You know, there’s a certain reputation following him around because of… uh —”
“I know he’s from crop zero if that’s what you mean.”
“When he matched to you, my initial reaction was a concern for your safety. But then I replayed all that fun we had when you broke your desk chair against my ribs or tossed the spaghetti against the wall, and then there was that moment you tried to kill me with a fork.”
“I never tried to kill you.”
He gave me a boyish grin. “What I’m trying to say is that, when he said he wanted you assigned to him, I kinda felt more concerned for his safety.” His hands brushed Gabi’s hair into a mohawk, his smile not lasting much longer after that. “I can tell you one thing. The Eden I met doesn’t sit around sad and defeated. Everywhere you go Vetusians bow. Not sure if you noticed, but the Empire is made up of them.”
I got up and placed my hand onto his arm. “We’ll fix it, okay?”
His nod held little conviction, and he turned away to carry Gabriel through the house.
Melek had been right all along.
I loved Torin, and my place was by his side. Not because it was easy, but because he and I would walk the tough parts together. And it was finally time for me to step up and walk without him holding my hand.
Chapter 31
Torin
In six moon cycles from now, I will have a daughter.
And I will never pull her hair into a ponytail.
Those were my thoughts as I waited for my stargazer to dock Odheim, staring at the hologram of the fetus hovering above my com.
I wanted Garrison Earth to be a success. However, many orders I had given contributed to the opposite. I knew that now.
The survival of our species couldn’t be defined in genetic profiles uploaded, interracial couples matched, or hybrids born. If we didn’t change our ways, the collapse of the Vetusian Empire was inevitable.
At this point, it wasn’t unlikely that the downfall would come at the hands of our own males, fighting to hold on to those families we’d promised. And who could blame them?
Picturing someone try to take Gabriel from us had me pull my lips into a snarl. It filled my veins with liquid rage, wanting to drain the life from anybody trying to break us apart. Perhaps I even wanted to drain the life from myself.
I was the very thing that was wrong with my kind.
A pestilence harbored at my core. Nurtured and indoctrinated by my own fear. All my life, I had believed I was defective. Now I understood the defect was not inside me… it was all-surrounding.
I couldn’t let it infect Earth.
Couldn’t pass it down to my children.
Would not see my mate suffer.
Yes, I had many flaws — but my inability to love was no longer one of them.
The dock smelled of foreign spices from across galaxies, always masking the stench of unwashed bodies and despair underneath. Odheim had grown into the most important trading hub in the universe, center of politics, a melting pot of species, and whatever dirt it hid underneath its glory.
I got into the skycar which had waited for me. “Pleasure district.”
Even giving the directions left filth on my tongue. Such a place was below my standing. And yet, Zavis, a born Warden and heir to a noble house, seemed to
have no qualms wasting his exile away in the company of prostitutes and crooks.
I caught the driver’s reflection in the mirror, eying me with curiosity as he searched for my rank, my status. But I had switched to a nondescript stargazer on my way here, and my uniform held no embroidery. No crest.
My com told me Eden had tried several times to reach me. I had ignored her, unable to face her until I had proven worthy of my family.
“Does the noble warrior seek a particular establishment?” he asked, stretching his neck to further observe me. “Brot Ai’gush only recently added pleasure droids resembling human females.”
Disgust swept onto my gums. “You will bring me to Brot Adnak.”
“Very well, good sir.”
I stared out the window, watching how landscaped lawns disappeared, soon replaced by dark alleys with pleasure workers lining the sides. Odheim tended to all sexual preferences. With tail, without. Scaled skin. Quilled skin. Sometimes no skin at all.
I threw the driver ten Imperial Credits. Half of it for his services. The other half for never having seen me, which he immediately confirmed with a narrow-eyed nod.
Head lowered, I made my way inside Brot Adnak, where a whiff of interracial fornication made my nose scrunch. It clung to the bodies of Jal’zar females, their clawed tails flicking the moment they set eyes on me.
As one of the better establishments, Vetusians made up most of the patrons. They trailed their hands over wombs they couldn’t seed or lay intoxicated somewhere because they knew this place held no future for any of them.
“A warrior,” a Jal’zar female said, circling me with long-legged steps while her tail trailed up the inside of my thigh. “And what a strong specimen. I haven’t had a Vetusian inside my egg pouch for too long.” She ran her blue lips across my earlobe. “I can whisper you things. Seed me with your child. Give me a daughter. I know all the things your kind wants to hear.”
“I came for him.”
She peeled her lips back until her fangs showed, or whatever was left of them since most Jal’zar females had them filed down to keep patrons from harm. Her hand trailed down my abdomen, lower, until she grabbed my cock and flicked her fingertip over my crown.