I spit my drink in shock. “Joey!” I exclaim, trying to compose myself. I don’t want anyone else here knowing about the demise of my marriage, especially my parents. Marcus has always treated me so well. He always used to put me first. It is killing me that this drastic change is taking place in front of my closest friends.
Hayden throws back his shot and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, still eyeing me. “How long has this been going on, Cam?”
I smile nervously. I.Am.Not.Doing.This. “Oh, come on guys, it’s just a rough patch. We are fine.” I grab my beer with one hand and Jess’s hand with the other. “The girls are probably dying to have some dessert. Let’s go grab them so Marcus can get on his way.”
“You got it, sister,” Jess answers without hesitation.
I am eager to get away from Holden and his judgmental stare. “You’re on babysitting duty soon, so don’t get too drunk with these guys.” I cover my heartbreak with a smile and blow the boys a kiss. “Thanks, guys.”
When I approach Marcus with the girls, I notice that they were both crying. “Marcus, what happened? Are they okay?”
“They’re fine. I was saying goodbye to them and they got a little disappointed is all.” He’s not telling me something, and Jess notices too.
“Hey Sophie and Ellie, I have two giant cupcakes with your name on it.” Jess winks at me and swings Sophie in her arms and leads the girls away. I watch thankfully when their sad faces light up and Holden sweeps Ellie in his arms, waving boxes of sparklers in the air. Sophie and Ellie are surrounded by my best friends, all focused on making them happy. I am not alone.
I turn to Marcus. “Can we talk before you go?” I ask, trying to hold my tears back. I am feeling more courageous now after the shots and want to know the truth. I have to know the truth.
“I was going to ask you the same thing, but I don’t want to talk here. Not with all these people around. Let’s walk across the street to the beach,” he says, not looking me in the eyes.
I don’t answer. I begin walking past Jess and the group, giving them a weak smile while Marcus follows close behind, oblivious of the fact that they are on to him just as much as I am. The girls cling to him tightly, crying as they say goodbye, making me wonder what he said to them to make them so upset. Ellie and Sophie are never this upset. Everyone watches them, just as confused as I am.
I lean into Jess. “We’re heading over to the beach to talk. Make sure Holden keeps the girls occupied, please.”
She kisses my cheek and slaps my bottom. “You got it. They are in good hands.”
I look over at my girls. She’s right. Sophie and Ellie are dancing around in Dave and Holden’s arms with cupcake frosting all over their face, while Joey is singing “Born in the USA” and having the time of their life. In only seconds, those men made their sadness disappear. Two points, Holden.
Marcus quickly says goodbye to my parents, who also are clearly questioning his short stay at their party. I am sure they know something is up between us, but they will wait until I’m alone to ask. He doesn’t speak to me, hold my hand, or look at me the entire five minutes it takes us to get to the beach. I am teetering between fear, anger, and heartbreak, knowing in the pit of my stomach this is not going to be good. Since our talk on Christmas Eve, things have only gotten worse between us every day. The more I try to be an attentive and loving wife, the more he pulls away. It is as if he made his decision long ago and is just now going through the motions.
I sit down at the water’s edge, letting my toes dig into the sand, helping to keep me grounded. Marcus doesn’t sit; he just stands hovering nervously above me.
“Cam, I can’t sit. I can’t even look at you right now. It’s all too much.” He rubs the back of his neck, reminding me how much I always love doing that while we drive down the street in our car. It is one of his favorite things. Or at least was.
I don’t say anything. I just sit numbly, looking at the waves rolling up the shore, barely touching my toes.
He continues nervously, “I’m officially filing for a divorce. I want us to work, but I don’t think it’s going to. I love you, Cam. I do. I just can’t keep living in this marriage with you so closed off.”
When I’ve imagined how this would all actually go down, I’ve always pictured myself calm and collected. I am taking long deep breaths because I am about to blow the composed image I’ve imagined. I am pissed! How dare he say I am closed off when I have virtually kissed his ass for years, turning myself into a Stepford wife? I look ahead, too afraid of what I will say if I look in his eyes.
“How dare you put this on me when you’re the one having an affair?”
He stops pacing, and I hear a deep sigh. Before he can defend himself, I cut him off. “At least give me the courtesy of not denying it. I saw you with her. I know that’s why you’re leaving tonight, so please spare me the guilt trip.” I hold back the tears, not wanting him to see me cry, not wanting him to know how he is killing me with his decision. “Just so we are clear, it is you who gave up on us and our family. It is you who is leaving us.”
“You were never in our marriage, Cam. That’s just it. I told the girls tonight that you and I will be living apart now,” he says, matter of fact.
Oh no he didn’t. Who is this man? It is not my Marcus! That’s all I need to hear to break me out of my composed trance. I stand and grab him by the arm before he tries to walk away.
“How dare you have that conversation without me? Before you even tell me you are leaving, you tell a two-year-old and six-year-old? Are you crazy? No wonder they were crying.” I start to panic, wondering where the girls are.
“Oh, don’t be dramatic, Cam. They are fine and will be fine. They will be happier when their parents are happy.” Marcus pats my back, making my skin crawl. It is amazing how in an instant my sadness turned to rage.
“Get your hands off me and get the hell out of here. I’m keeping the girls down here for the rest of the summer, and you can send our things.” I sit back down in the sand and pull my cell out to text Jess. I need to see my girls and make sure they are okay. What kind of an idiot would tell children that kind of news without their mother there?
Sounding far too pleased, Marcus responds. “Actually, you staying down here will give us a chance to see if this is what we want, and then I don’t have to waste money on another place.”
“Shut up and leave, Marcus. I can’t believe you have turned into this. I don’t know you at all.”
I don’t need to look back to know he is gone. I scroll through my phone to text Holden and Jess. I can’t speak right now. I am afraid saying what has just happened will send me into that dark tunnel that I have tried so desperately to stay out of for years.
Me: Are you still with the girls?
Holden is the only one to answer.
Holden: They are at your parents’ house. They’re helping your mom get ready for the fireworks.
I sigh, glad that I will have a minute to myself. I don’t want to have to explain my tear-soaked face to anyone right now.
My phone chimes with another text.
Holden: Ellie told Jess and me everything.
Crap. Who else would they tell?
As if he can hear my silent question, my phone chimes again.
Holden: Jess and I told them not to tell your parents. Jess will handle it.
I smile a little, glad that they know me enough to know dealing with my mom about this tonight is the last thing I need. I sit in the cool sand for a minute longer, trying to compose myself and bury the feelings of despair that are threatening to drown me.
I don’t know how much time passes when I stand up and begin dusting off my clothes to get back to my girls. I turn around and am stunned to see Holden standing right behind me. The moon is the only light on the beach, making him seem like an angel here to save me from drowning in my sadness. My eyes lock with his, and I begin to bawl. Not just cry, but ugly cry. I sob uncontrollably into my hands, not caring what he thinks. He closes
his eyes as if seeing me this way is cutting a knife into him and takes me in his arms. I wrap my arms around his waist, gripping on to his shirt as if it is the only thing that can keep me on my feet. Holden doesn’t need to say anything. He doesn’t need to do anything but hold me and be my friend. There is not another person in this world that I need right now more than Holden. I know he won’t judge me or question me. He will let me talk to him about everything when I am ready. He’ll let me make my own decisions, separate from his influence. Holden knows I always try to make life seem like it is perfect. But my life is far from perfect. He knows how frozen over my heart has become; he just doesn’t know why.
Holden rubs my back and kisses my head until my sobs slow to sniffles. After I cry more tears than I have in years, I ask Holden to take me home.
“You sure you’ll be okay? We can watch the show from here. The girls are fine with your mom,” he asks, gently brushing a tear-soaked piece of hair behind my ear.
I smile at his sweet action. “Yeah, I’m sure. I just need to be with them right now. Show them I’m okay. Let them know we will be okay.”
Holden takes my hand in his and places a gentle kiss on my knuckle. “You will be more than okay, Cam. You are the strongest person I know, and your girls know it too. They are lucky to have you.”
My eyes fill with tears at those words that are just the thing I need to hear right now. I can’t speak, and Holden doesn’t expect me to. He wipes a tear that has escaped down my cheek with the pad of his thumb and leads me back across the beach to the party. Hand in hand.
Chapter Three
Holden and I walk back into the party to see that many more people have arrived and are now gathering on the deck to watch the fireworks. The second the girls spot me, they run into my arms and give me a big kiss and hug. Just what I need. I hold back the tears that are once again threatening to expose my sadness and keep them in my arms.
Ellie kisses my cheek and whispers, “We will be fine, Mommy. I will be extra good.”
Her words almost demolish my heart. She is such a strong girl. I whisper back, “We will be more than fine. Daddy and I both love you both very much.” I want to make sure she knows that her dad leaving me has nothing to do with her.
“Hey girls, what do you say we light these sparklers? The show is about to begin.” Holden interrupts at the perfect time.
The girls and Holden light every last box of the sparklers, and by the end of the firework show, both girls are passed out in my arms. Jess sits quietly next to me, with Charlotte fast asleep as well. Holden was able to distract the girls the entire time with the help of Dave and Joey, who had taken it upon themselves to make this the best Fourth of July the girls have ever had. I feel lucky to have these guys around me now. Three points, Holden.
Jess and I decide it’s time to put the girls down for the night now that most of the guests have gone. Dave meets us in the hallway with Charlotte still asleep in his arms. Jess smiles brightly up at them and kisses her daughter on her head and turns back to me. “Call me in the morning. We’ll take the girls over to the beach and have us some girl time.”
“You bet,” I answer, sending my friends on their way.
When I get back onto the dock, I notice that most of the remaining guests have gone home now that the fireworks are over. I get the usual uncomfortable feeling that I always feel when I look over to the bar to see Holden talking with John Waters. I nervously scan the deck for John’s son Jake, and am glad to see that he knew better than to show his face here.
Mr. Waters has his arm draped over Holden’s shoulder while he waves his arm in the air animatedly, almost spilling his cocktail. His wife stands at his side, looking as if she is going to rip his head off. Mary Waters is always so unapproachable and cold when she comes to our house or by the restaurant. Her smile is as fake as her blonde hair and she never tries to hide her dislike of my mom when she is around. I’ve never known why she doesn’t like my mom, but it is just a known fact for as long as I can remember.
Holden’s eyes meet mine, and I can tell he is trying to end the conversation with the way he is taking small steps away from John Waters, but John is having none of it. I am sure he is trying to convince Holden to join his campaign and is giving his best pitch right now. Holden has made quite a name for himself since his parents died and is known for his charitable work and support of New Jersey government; he would be an asset to any campaign. I smile at Holden and turn to find Joey, hoping to put as much distance between John Waters and me as I can. If there is one thing that makes me more uncomfortable than a sober John Waters, it is a drunk one…and he is clearly drunk. Whenever John Waters is drunk, all he seems to want to do is sit and talk all about my life and tell me how proud he is of me. If he knew his only son is the cause of the pain in my life, maybe he’d leave me alone.
“Psst. Psst. Sexy MILF—get your tiny ass down here and have a drink with me before I go,” Joey calls from the deck below. Now that the girls are asleep and my parents are sending everyone on their way, I feel free to wash my troubles away.
By the time Holden finds us, we are two sheets to the wind and reminiscing about our wilder days. Joey is still single and loving life just like Holden. He has so many tales that make my skin crawl, that for a moment, I am glad about the life I’ve led with Marcus. There is a certain comfort I’ve always found in the consistency life always used to bring with Marcus.
Joey passes the bottle of tequila over to Holden, who sits down next to me and drapes his arm over my shoulder nonchalantly.
“Do you think this is a good idea? You’ve had quite a night,” he whispers, letting his lips brush my ear. I close my eyes tightly, trying to ignore the tingling between my legs.
Joey, clearly misunderstanding Holden’s intentions, pushes him back. “Hey there, Holden, you had your chance. Cam’s ready for a real man.”
We both laugh as Joey flexes his muscles, and while they are impressively large, it is still Joey, the boy who used to blow milk out of his nose in the cafeteria, and probably still does.
“I’m fine. Really, I am. I should get started picking some of this crap up now anyway. No more drinks for me. I promised my parents I would clean up the rest of the mess after the caterers left. Either of you boys want to stay and help?” I ask, batting my eyes for emphasis.
Of course, Holden is the only one who agrees to stay and help. He probably knows he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. Holden has always been my cleanup buddy at my parents’ parties growing up. The end of the evening seems more and more like old times than I ever imagined.
Joey couldn’t have left faster, not wanting to be stuck picking up hundreds of cups and plates. At least he grabbed his own bottles and cups on his way out. Holden takes my hand and helps me to my feet, already knowing how unsteady I would be after an hour alone with Joey. I fall into his ready arms, trying to hide the smile on my face, knowing the “I told you so” look he is sure to be giving me right now.
I pull away indignantly and go in the house to grab some trash bags, a giant cup of water, and aspirin. The only thing I can think of now is getting this mess cleaned up and snuggling into bed. My head is beginning to spin and my eyes feel heavy from the alcohol. I am relieved when I look around to see that the inside of the house has already been picked up and all that is left are the glasses and plates on the deck. I switch the outdoor music to my favorite playlist and hit shuffle, hoping the music will eliminate Holden’s need to talk to me about Marcus. I know Holden, and I know he’s been waiting all night to get the details out of me. He knows me well enough, that if I get the music playing, I don’t want to talk. The last thing I want to do tonight is tell anyone the truth about what my marriage has become. I still have to fully realize and accept it myself. Before I can do that, I’m not going to talk to anyone about it.
Just as I hoped, Holden is quietly helping me clear the rows of wounded soldiers left by our guests, singing along to the songs as if nothing is wrong. We don’t eve
n look at each other as we clean up, both of us seemingly too caught up in our own thoughts. I am relieved to be able to hide from the pain I am feeling tonight. I can feel the doors of my heart that I have been trying so hard to open slam shut as I replay my talk on the beach with Marcus in my head. The clicking of the lock sealing it away echoes with each glance down the hallway to the room where my girls sleep. I have to be strong for them. I can’t let them see my pain. I can’t let them see how much I know I have let them down. Marcus is leaving me because I am broken. I thought I wasn’t anymore, but he made it clear to me that I still am. My heart is too frozen over to truly love anyone, I guess.
I am lost in my thoughts when Holden snaps his towel at my butt, breaking me from my stupor. He gives me a playful smile and begins singing along to “Barton Hallow,” by the Civil Wars. It is one of my favorite new songs. I am actually surprised he has heard of them, much less knows the words to the song. He takes me in his arms, twirling me around and singing along to every word with his sultry, sexy voice. Holden is an amazingly good singer, which only adds to his sex appeal and pisses me off more. I can’t help but laugh as he enthusiastically twists his hips, swinging our arms back and forth while he serenades me. He moves our bodies along in perfect unison with the beat of the soulful song, his dark hair falling over his captivating green eyes, making my breath hitch for a moment. Holden laces his fingers through mine and pulls me closer, holding me so that our bodies are almost touching, our arms folded towards our faces the only barrier. I can feel his breath on my cheek when he sings softly in my ear, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. I quickly want space. I don’t like that my body reacts this way to him still. I am smarter than this.
Answering my silent plea, the song changes and I back away, smiling over my shoulder. “I think we’ve done enough cleaning up. I’m going to have another glass of water and head to bed. Want anything?”
Holden’s smile tells me he knows what I am doing. “I’ll join you then head home. Do you mind grabbing me one too? I’m going to have a killer headache tomorrow.” He plops down on one of the chaise lounges and closes his eyes, singing along to “Piano Man,” not waiting for my answer.
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 5