“Now. Now it’s time to tell me everything. I can’t help you unless I know what the hell happened between you two. I need to know, Cam. It’s killing me.” I can hear the truth in his words. He has been more than patient with me, and I owe it to him now to finally set the truth free.
“I know. I want to tell you. I’m ready to tell you.” I really do want to tell him everything. The words crossed my lips as if sent from my heart. “Can I have something to drink, though? My throat feels like razor blades right now.”
He nods his head solemnly, knowing that what he is about to hear is most likely the one thing he’s feared most about me all these years. While Holden fixes me some hot chocolate, my favorite, I walk out into the living room to see what looks like a romantic oasis. There is soft music playing in the background—Coldplay, I think. I quickly remember that tonight was supposed to be our first time alone together in over a month. It becomes blaringly obvious that he had special plans for tonight that didn’t involve me opening my heart and soul to tell the tale of my broken soul. Tonight really was supposed to be our first date.
The comfortable looking living room is lit only by the large fire burning at the opposite end of the room, and several candles are shimmering from a picnic area that Holden has set up on top of a blue chenille blanket in front of the fire. White and red roses are scattered across the blanket that is filled with a spread of cheese, fruit, wine, and nuts. Holy crap, this really is a date. I can’t help but smile and momentarily forget about the conversation I was about to have with Holden. A conversation that would make all of this a moot point. A conversation I was sure will make Holden leave me for good. But right now, all I can think is how heartbreakingly romantic and beautiful the room looks.
I bend over to pick up one of the soft rose petals that Holden has scattered as a path that leads to his spread. I press the delicate flower to my nose, marveling that this is actually Holden Patrick who has created such a thoughtful and romantic setting.
Making the moment perfect, Holden comes up behind me and presses his body up against mine and kisses the back of my head.
“It’s beautiful, Holden.” I turn around and wrap my arms around his waist, looking up into his dizzying green eyes. We haven’t been this close in far too long. I miss the feeling of his arms around me. “Thank you for doing all of this.”
I can’t help myself any longer and lean up on my toes to give him a quick kiss on his delicious lips. The heat from both of us is sweltering and undeniable. When I pull away, he licks his lips as if he is savoring the taste of me. It is as if all of the pent-up sexual energy between us is threatening to be unleashed with one kiss.
“We can just sit up on the couch. It will probably be more comfortable for now.” He breaks away from me, shooting me back into reality and turns on one of the lights, breaking the mood completely.
“Hot chocolate for the lady,” he says, handing me the mug and sliding in next to me.
I place my cold hands on the warm cup, letting the chocolate-filled steam calm my senses. I curl my legs up in front of me, protectively hugging them close to my chest, making a barrier before revealing my secret. I take a deep, cleansing breath and look Holden square in the eyes. His eyes are like a lifeline to his soul, hitching itself to mine and giving me the strength to go on. I can do this!
“Jake Waters raped me.” I said it. I said the words. With those four words, I make my confession. It is a confession that I’ve never let cross my lips before, not even to my therapist, and I feel free. It is amazing how simple it actually is to let the words out with Holden here by my side.
Holden’s expression holds strong but his eyes fill with tears and his dark pupils grow large with rage. A sob bursts up my throat and explodes, seeing him react this way. I have never seen Holden cry before, and to know I am the cause of it now kills me a little. I press my face into my knees, not wanting to see the pain in his eyes any longer.
Holden suddenly has my entire balled-up body pulled snuggly between his legs and is cradling me like a baby. I begin to retell the details of my nightmare with my face buried in my legs, snuggled up against his warm body. It is like I am in a trance with the words just flowing from me, like I have told this story a thousand times. Holden holds me close and kisses the back of my head at all of the perfect times. Times that I was afraid would make him unable to be near me, but only seemed to draw us closer. I’m beginning to realize that there was nothing I ever did to Jake to make him choose me. I’m not to blame. Something is very wrong with Jake, and I never did anything to provoke him.
I think that was the most baffling part to me of the entire attack. Jake and I had never had a negative interaction in our entire lives before that night. He was an acquaintance, but always kind and polite growing up. When he attacked me that night, I remember I kept asking him why.
When I was done telling my tale, I hesitantly lift my head from my knees, glad that Holden can’t see my tear-streaked face and I can’t see his pained eyes. Over the years, I’ve built a wall around my heart and mind to protect myself from the pain and fear that threatened to overwhelm me. I thought I had accepted my past and moved on until I saw Jake again. I truly had believed that Jake couldn’t hurt me anymore, but he can and has. The letter I got today proves that.
“That’s it. I’ve told you everything. I hope now you can understand why I couldn’t tell you before now…why I couldn’t tell anyone, for that matter. I’m so sorry, Holden. I am sorry for it all.” The honesty I am feeling poured into my words and I mustered the courage to take his hands in mine and turn to finally face him. “Holden, you have to promise me now, more than ever, that you won’t do or say anything to Jake or anyone. I know the letter is from him. He thinks you know now too, and I’m sure that’s what prompted him to send the letter. I am sure that is why he thinks you attacked him the way you did Christmas Eve. I can only imagine what you would have done to him if you actually knew the truth.”
Holden leans back against the pillow, running his hands through his hair with a contemplative expression and shaking his head back and forth. I’m afraid there’s no way he will keep this quiet: he’s a lawyer, and he prosecutes—it’s always been a part of who he is. He’s like a modern-day superhero trying to rid the world of evil.
The lines of worry begin to crease on his forehead as I watch him go over my words like he’s trying to connect all of the dots from our past.
He takes a deep breath and finally speaks in a low, hushed voice. “I knew it in my gut when I saw how you reacted to seeing him the night before Sandy.” Holden suddenly punches the side of the couch and shoots up out of his seat, pacing back and forth in front of me. “I fucking KNEW that he did something to you that night…but God, Cam, I never, ever thought it was anything close to this!”
Holden runs his hands through his hair again, but instead grabs at it, as if trying to pull the images out of his mind. “I left you when you needed me most. I should have been there with you that night. I should have protected you, but I wasn’t. I was fucking ass hatting around at a bar and you were…” He turns his back to me and punches the wall, making me jump out of my seat.
I can’t help but go over to him and try to hold his arms at his side. It is killing me that he is blaming himself for this; it is absolutely ridiculous! “Holden, there is no one to blame for what happened other than Jake.”
His body softens at my touch. He turns to face me and takes me by the waist, pressing every inch of his body to mine. He lifts my chin so I am looking into his hooded green eyes. “I left you when you needed me most. I fucking know how that feels, Cam. You know what I went through in foster care, and I know what it feels like to go through what you did. If I’d only known that was why you completely shut yourself off from me, I would have never left you. NEVER!”
He presses his forehead to mine and a tear falls from his eye onto my cheek. I wipe it away and press my hand to his cheek. I remember the day Holden told me about his abuse in foster care. He
was abused over a six-month period while living with his last foster family. That was how he met his dad. His dad was the lawyer who was the prosecuting attorney in the case against Holden’s foster father. Mr. Patrick always said the moment he laid eyes on Holden, he knew he was his son. He said God brought them together.
I brush my hand across Holden’s cheek at the memory. “You’re here now,” I whisper, knowing my voice will crack if I speak fully.
The vulnerable look in Holden’s eyes is doing things to me that I can’t explain. It is as if every emotion…happiness, sadness, desire, love, hate… are battling inside the two of us, and I don’t know which side will win.
Holden digs his fingers into my waist at my words with one hand, and brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear with the other.
“I’m here now,” he repeats. He leans his head down towards mine with need in his eyes. He sucks in a deep breath, slowly letting it out and licking his full lips, drawing his mouth towards mine. “I’ll never leave you again.” He lightly brushes his lips across mine. “Never.”
His mouth crashes against mine, and I meet his desire with equal need. I had no idea just how much I wanted—no, needed—to hear those words from Holden right now. I need to feel that what I just told him didn’t make him care about me any less.
Holden pulls me closer to him so that I have no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist while his hands grasp at my back and legs. I let out a soft groan as I feel his length pressed firmly between my legs, making me pull him even deeper into the kiss. He walks us over to the couch, his mouth never leaving mine, and sits down with me still wrapped tightly around him. His lips move from my mouth, sucking and nibbling down to my neck, and then to my collarbone, leaving a trail of fire behind that makes my insides burn for him. I reach down and place my hands under the hem of his shirt, needing to feel his smooth, bare skin. I do the one thing I have spent nights dreaming about, and run my fingers over his tight muscles, making him gasp in delight. He shoots me a rapturous look that’s panty-dropping sexy and fiercely brings his mouth back to mine.
“I’ve missed you,” he husks out between breaths. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
Walls around my heart burn down with each kiss. “I missed you, too. I didn’t realize how much until now.”
Holden lifts me so that he is now lying above me, running his hands up my waist towards my breasts, setting my body on fire. I suck in a deep breath and pull his mouth back up to mine, needing to feel the closeness it brings. Our tongues move together in perfect unison as our hands grasp in a frenzy over each other, listening to nothing other than the desire that is driving us both. My mind can think of nothing but Holden right now, and where his hands will lead him next. My body is pulsing with desire as he presses his hard length up against my core. My legs instinctively fall open, welcoming him. I lift my hips slightly, rubbing slowly against his length, letting him know I want him as much as he wants me right now. Holden’s hands slip under my shirt and lightly traces up towards the bottom of my bra. I arch my back, urging him to go where my body so desperately wants him to be. No one has ever made me feel the way Holden is right now. I never thought I could feel this way again. I want nothing than for him to touch me everywhere. I need him to.
Holden pauses for a moment and looks up at me with eyes that are oozing with desire. “Cam, I want you, babe. I want you so fucking bad right now.”
“Then don’t stop,” is all I can say because I want his lips back on mine, his hands all over my body. I lift the hem of his shirt and pull it off over his head. A sexy smile curls on the corner of his mouth at my audacious action. I am not the shy, inexperienced teenager I used to be, and I like the look on his face at my bold move.
“God, Cam, you’re so beautiful….so beautiful in every way that it fucking crushes me.” His lips are on mine as his hands move to push my sweater off my shoulders. My shirt is off in seconds and our bodies are pressed against each other.
Holden stops suddenly and looks around. “Not here.” He sits up and sweeps me up in his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist again as we kiss and grope at each other all the way to his bedroom. He gently places me on the bed and comes down slowly, pausing and hovering above me. His perfectly sculpted body is calling for me as his chest heaves up and down. “I love you, Camryn. I’ve always loved you. I want to make love to you, babe. I never needed something so much in my life.”
He doesn’t wait for my answer, but spends the rest of the night worshipping every inch of my body, and I do the same to his. He is slow and loving, and strong and passionate. He’s awoken things inside me that I didn’t know existed. My thoughts are only of him. His beautiful face, his tortured and loving eyes, his taut and perfect body: it is all that matters right now. Holden is the glue for my broken pieces.
I roll over to see Holden sitting at the edge of the bed, looking penitently out the window. I sit up, taking the sheets with me, and rest my head against his bare back, wrapping my hands around his naked waist. He flinches at first at my touch, but then takes in a deep breath, reaching over for my hands, pulling them tighter around him. I love him.
“Sorry I fell asleep.” I kiss his muscular back. “Are you okay, Holden? You look upset.” My heart is racing at the thought that he regrets what happened between us tonight. Things went further than I ever wanted when I first got here. Well, that’s not true; I think deep down I’ve wanted this since I laid eyes on him again, but I never thought that it would have been possible after Holden found out everything. My only fear right now is getting too close, too fast with him again. I have to be careful with Holden this time. I can’t let him hurt me again.
Everything seems so perfect right now, but I can feel my heart instinctively retreat the more time we spend together this way. There is a battle going on inside me that I can’t control. Controlling things has been what has kept me sane through all of the shit in my life. There is a spiraling ball of lust, love, need, desire, comfort, peace, and fear when he is near me like this. I ache for him again, and that ache is starting to make me close myself off.
I go against what my body is begging for me to do and pull away from Holden’s embrace. Slow—I need to take things slow. But with each perfectly placed touch, and each desire-filled kiss, I fall deeper and deeper into love with him. I feel things for him that I never have with Marcus, or anyone for that matter, and at times it feels like I can’t control how much I love him. I need to have that control. It is all too much too fast.
So many emotions have been stirred up with seeing Jake again, and now with the threatening letter, it may all become too much for Holden, too. He can walk away at any time, no strings attached. He’s lived his entire adult life as a jet-setting bachelor, with girls falling at his feet everywhere he goes. I’m nothing but a divorced mother of two who’s fallen for her childhood sweetheart. None of that matters. He’s my soul mate, my best friend.
Holden looks up at me and sweeps my hair behind my ear, making me wonder what the hell I must look like right now. I begin gathering my hair and tie it back in a bun, knowing the horrendous bed head I get in the morning. Holden swats my hands away from my hair and shakes it out with his fingers; it is a very intimate yet innocent gesture that touches my heart. He has always liked my hair down best. “I’m sorry, Camryn. We…I mean, I shouldn’t have taken things that far tonight. Especially after what you told me.”
He looks back out the window as if too ashamed to look me in the eyes. It’s times like these that make me realize I don’t need to be so afraid. Maybe he does realize who I really am. He only wants me to be happy, feel safe. He has spent the past year trying to prove to me he isn’t going anywhere. I can’t keep pushing love away. The one thing tonight has shown me is that we both need each other. “Tonight was perfect, Holden. Being with you is perfect.”
He gazes back at me with hope in his eyes. “I really hope you feel that way, Cam. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to. Things will be different
this time. I want to deserve you and the girls.”
Okay, my heart just melts at the mention of my girls. I don’t want to get ahead of myself with Holden, though. We may have a lot of history together, but this is still only our first date. I’m such a slut.
The thought actually makes me smile rather than cringe with guilt as it would have before being with him. “I do feel that way, Holden. I want to be with you. Things just got messed up again when my mom died. I got messed up again, so we need to take things slow, and this…what we did tonight…is pretty fast.”
We both have shit-eating grins on our faces and it makes me laugh. He looks like he’s a freaking kid the way he is giggling like a schoolboy. This assertive, strong, alpha type is reduced to a teenager at the inference of sex. I slap his chest and try to continue this serious conversation. It’s important he takes me seriously about my boundaries this time. He has a lot still to prove, and I need to know that we will work before getting too involved again.
“I have to take things slow for the girls, too. They know you as Uncle Holden, not Mommy’s boyfriend. We will need to ease them into the idea of us together in that way. I don’t want them to ever think that you had anything to do with the breakup of my marriage. Besides, you have all these cases ahead of you and now I’m getting threatening letters. Things are kind of a mess right now and I don’t want us to be another mess to clean up.”
Reality is now assaulting my postcoital bliss. “My number-one priority has to be keeping Ellie and Sophie safe, and yours needs to be going after all the companies taking advantage of Hurricane Sandy victims.” Holden has been making quite a name for himself taking on big companies who have been making rebuilding, especially in Mantoloking, nearly impossible. It makes me proud of him. It makes him a hero in our town, too.
He takes my face in his hands. “I can go slow, but I can’t go backwards with you anymore, Cam. When we’re in the city, we can go slowly.” He kisses me deeply and then pulls back, brushing his lips against mine and speaking softly. “But on weekends, when the girls are gone…” He kisses me so deeply, I feel it in my soul. “We are not moving slow. I want you in my bed all weekend. When you’re with me, I want you only thinking about all the dirty things I want to do to you…to pleasure you,” he whispers, pulling me greedily up onto his lap. He smiles smugly at me. “You don’t have to worry about the girls.” He kisses my neck, taking a playful bite and causing my thighs to clench around him. He gives me another cocky smile. “They’ve been begging me to ask you out for months now.”
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 12