I step out onto the dock and take in the cool salt air. Summer is almost over, and soon nights like these will be a summertime memory. I absentmindedly step over the low wooden fence that separates my dad’s home and Holden’s, and sit down on the rough wooden dock. I skim my toes across the crisp waves of the lagoon, letting each gentle wake calm my nerves as it has done so many times before. The soft shuffling of stones behind me lets me know Holden is approaching. I close my eyes, remembering the last time we sat on this dock together all those years ago when his parents died. Holden was as broken then as I was. I couldn’t understand how he could treat me the way he did back then. But now—now I know that his leaving then was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. We needed to heal, become who we were destined to be. All that matters to me now was that we are together.
Holden slides in next to me, leaning back on his hands as he slips his feet into the water next to mine. It is déjà vu, in the best way. I lean my head on his shoulder as we sit there in silence, letting the memories do the talking.
“I love you so much, Cam,” Holden says, staring out to the water. “I know I messed up a lot along the way, but I hope you know how real this is for me. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life as I am that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I start to interrupt, but Holden pulls me in closer to his side and kisses my head. “Let me get this out, Camryn.” He turns towards me and grabs me by the thighs, pulling me on top of him so that I am straddling him, our bodies touching in all the right places, separated by nothing but the thin layer of cloth of our bathing suits.
“I am going to marry you one day. But I know you’re not ready for that yet, and I’m okay with that.” He kisses my lips, sending sparks down to my toes. “But when I do ask you, there will be no doubt in your mind that you want to be with me forever, too.” He deepens his kiss, setting my body on fire. “We were both broken, Camryn, and I know that scares you. But we can still have the fairy tale. You have been the glue that helped put my life back together. Even when we weren’t together, you were always in my heart. Always on my mind. It seemed as if no matter how far away I was from you, something always was there reminding me of you…and that’s because everything I love has to do with you. I couldn’t come back here because seeing you was too painful back then. I wanted you so badly, but knew I was no good for you. Making my life better, putting the pieces back together, fracture by fracture, was always for you, Camryn. Always so that I could be the man you deserve. And now I want to be the glue for you. I want to be the one to put you back together, because you are the most perfect creation that has ever been put on this earth, and I can’t live without you another moment. I don’t ever want to live my life without you at my side again.”
I tangle my fingers through his hair, staring speechlessly into his eyes. I can’t find the words to match his. I kiss him on his cheek, and then move to his lips, still unable to formulate a response his declaration.
He pulls back and smiles nervously. “Please don’t tell me I scared you. I know you too well, and your silence worries me.”
I smile broadly. tears filling my eyes. “What you said was perfect, Holden. I feel lucky to have you in my life. You are so patient and understanding.” I wiggle my body closer to his so that I am completely sitting on his lap with my legs tightly wrapped around his torso. “But right now, all I can think about is showing you how much what you just said to me means.” I begin kissing his neck down to his collarbone.
Holden stands up, taking me with him. “I want to make sure every inch of your body knows beyond a shadow if a doubt how much I love you.”
“Is that a promise?” I ask, hoping it is.
He begins slowly kissing my neck, up to my ear, sending me reeling with wanton desire. “Oh that’s a promise. I will show you over…and over…”—he places me down and has me pressed up against his sliding glass door—“and over until there is no doubt in your mind that I love every part of you.”
I know you do. I reach behind me and slide open the door. “I suppose the spa can wait.”
“It definitely can wait, because I can’t anymore.”
Holden presses his body to mine, leading me inside the house as his lips trace up and down my neck. His hands are skillfully untying the sarong I have tied around my chest and I dig my hands into his muscular back with anticipation. He lets out a needy moan and sweeps me up into his arms, tossing me onto the bed. He pauses, standing above my bed with hooded eyes that make my core shiver with desire.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
I am thinking the same thing, looking up at the way his bathing suit sits low as if desperately hanging onto his hips, letting the trail leading to his manhood peek above the tie. I sit up and grab the strings of his suit, pulling him down hungrily to meet my lips.
He groans. “Everything about you is fucking amazing. Your skin, your smell, your taste.”
Holden slips his fingers under the straps of my suit, kissing his way down as he slides it painfully slow down my body. He kisses slowly down my chest, pausing to pay extra attention to my breasts that are throbbing with desire. He continues his tour of my body, kissing across my stomach, lingering at my belly button, doing things that I never knew I would like. He is driving me crazy, making every nerve on my body stand at attention, as if calling him over. I run my fingers through his hair, guiding him as he makes his way lower towards my trembling core. Deliberately, very slowly, he pulls my suit off inch by inch, making my heart race with anticipation. It is as if my body is calling for him to become one with mine. Making love to Holden is always amazing, but these moments with him, filled with so much love and affection—it’s mind-blowing.
Holden stands up, and throws my suit across the room, and then slides back down onto the bed. I reach down for his bulging manhood, no longer able to resist. He moves slightly, denying me what I want so badly.
“Tonight is for you. We are going to go so slow, that you are going to be screaming for me. I want you to feel every inch of me when I slowly enter you. I want you to feel how perfect we fit together. I want you to know that there is no place in the world I ever want to be but like this with you. Every other second of the day, all I’ll ever want is to be here with you, like this.”
“I love you, Holden,” is all I can say, too overcome with desire.
Holden does exactly as he promised. He spends the rest of the night, into the early morning, showing me over and over again just how much he loves me. And he is right: there is no doubt after tonight how much he really does love me. None at all.
Chapter Thirteen
Jess was right. Jake is back in his family’s mansion, and his father’s entire team has been working quickly to reverse the damage to their perfect family image now that his prodigal son is a suspect in my accident. Someone placed an anonymous call into all the local papers, and by morning, his name was everywhere. My dad was shocked more than anyone when he heard Jake was brought in for questioning. It is unimaginable to him that the son of his best friend could have done something to hurt me. If he only knew.
The night I painstakingly told Holden about my desire to move back to the city with the girls was a turning point for us. I sat anxiously on his couch, butterflies having a WWE fight in my stomach, scared that he was going to think I was pushing him away again, while Holden lounged casually back with his arm propped on top of the couch, sipping on his drink. He tried to hide his knowing smile behind his glass as he watched me squirm. Of course, Holden knew this was coming; he said I had made it clear virtually every day that we’ve been staying at his house that this living situation wasn’t permanent. He agreed that probably it wasn’t the best example for the girls either.
Now that we’ve made the move, it’s made me realize how much I do want a family with Holden. I really do want to try to take that leap with him. Marcus and I have gotten into a routine with the girls, carting them to and from school, and have
been getting along relatively well. He and Holden get along much better than I ever imagined, seemingly bonding after my accident, and have been continuing that bond for the girls. Being in New York City has refocused me, giving me the confidence and drive to beef up my activism with rape victims and pushing for stricter laws. I’ve gained quite a bit of notoriety from my article for the New Yorker, and have even had the opportunity to write guest spots for Time and Cosmopolitan magazines. I know the guilt and shame victims feel, and the more rape is talked about and put in the faces of the community, the more aware others will be of the signs that so often go ignored.
Holden is neck-deep right now with a case that he just so happens to be working on with Bridgette. I am not going to say that the fact that he still has to work on cases with one of his ex-girlfriends doesn’t bother me, especially one who tried to face rape him. But it is something I can’t change, and have to accept if we are together. Everywhere we go, women are always hitting on him, but he always manages to make me feel as if I’m the only one in the room.
The past few nights have been my first lonely nights in a long time, and I am really beginning to miss Holden. He’s been staying late at work, and has gone back to his apartment after work so he doesn’t wake the girls. We have even had to resort to FaceTime on most nights this week to see each other. Although I wouldn’t exactly call what we did last night “face time.” I can’t wipe the shit-eating grin off my face every time I think about Holden directing me while he watched me touch myself to the sound of his voice. I never imagined myself doing anything like that, but with Holden, I always feel free, feel safe…I just feel everything.
I have just dropped the girls off at Marcus’s for the weekend, and am ready to head down to the shore to spend some quality time with my dad. Next week will be the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Sandy, and he has a huge party planned at Cutter Lane in Mantoloking. I am looking forward to this weekend with him since so much of my time has been wrapped up with Holden, and the investigation of my accident. I am still so confused about Jake and his place in everything, but I do know that he is under constant surveillance by detectives who are watching his every move. I know this all has formed a wedge between my dad and John Waters, but I don’t care. I have had to put on a brave face for half my life around that family, and I refuse to do it anymore.
I decide to take the train down to the shore, but this time I am having Jess pick me up. Not that I have any choice in the matter. The second I told Holden of my plans, he was on the phone with Jess, arranging my pick up.
Looking out the window at the tall, towering buildings as the train rumbles out of the tunnel and into New Jersey, I feel completely relaxed, rocked into a peaceful trance by the tracks below. I can’t remember the last time I felt as happy as I do now. I am truly at peace with the direction my life has taken. It is amazing how one small decision, one chance encounter can affect the path life will take. I’ve learned to never give up when a misstep occurs; I will always look for the road to get me back on the path. And for me, that road is with Holden and always has been.
All of the pieces are coming together for me and my family, and I can do nothing but smile when thinking about it. The girls have been doing well at school and seem very happy with their life. The one thing that Marcus and I always agreed on when we divorced was to never talk negatively about each other to the kids. No matter how mad we could get with each other, we always keep it from the girls. I know this plays a big part of their happiness and am grateful that Marcus and I have been able to change the definition of our relationship in a positive way.
“Next stop, Cherry Hill,” the conductor’s mumbled voice calls softly over the loud speaker.
Another half hour and I’ll be home. Home. I feel like the more I ran away from Mantoloking, the more I seemed to be pulled back there. My heart is connected there. Most of my happiest memories are there. But so are some of my worst. The worst moments in my life have all been there. I won’t go there tonight. I am not a victim. I am happy right now and even those memories can’t change that in me. I’ve learned through all of this, that I have to choose to be happy and focus on the good of my life. For so long, I was letting my fear drive who I am, the person I’d become. But after being with Holden…feeling that kind of safety, embracing the strength and confidence he gives me, I choose to be happy. I have too many wonderful things in my life to let that one moment determine who I am. If I do that…I allow him to win…and I don’t lose anymore. I won’t lose to him.
The more I think about Holden and the person he has helped me realize that I am, the more I realize how much I want to be with him forever. The more time we spend apart, the more I realize I don’t want to be apart from him. I instinctively roll my eyes, thinking that this was probably Holden’s plan all along. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
“Safe and Sound” begins blaring from my phone, making me jump and shuffle through my purse in embarrassment. Holden assigned his number to that song one night after he saw me dancing around the house to it cleaning. To be more specific, he was spying on me making a complete ass of myself, thinking I could move like Beyoncé. It was more like Elaine from Seinfeld.
I quickly silence my phone and look at the screen to see Holden’s face. I love that picture of him. It was taken last summer at sunset when we were sitting on his deck talking about Lord knows what. The orange and red sky at dusk gave the picture a smoky appearance. The sun behind his head illuminated his eyes that were slightly covered by his unruly brown hair. I press the icon and read his text, still smiling ridiculously.
Holden: Miss you already. Can’t wait for Sunday. Call me when you get to your dad’s and just have fun. You and your dad deserve some time together. Love you babe.
I am happy. He makes me happy.
Me: I don’t miss you at all. You are so demanding and bossy, but I love you for it. Call you in an hour or so. May stop with Jess for a drink.
“Safe and Sound” begins playing again, and I luckily silence it before most people could become too annoyed. I grin knowingly, shrugging my shoulders at the man next to me who is holding back his laugh. I am a little too old for that ringtone, and he clearly feels the same.
Holden: No drinking, just go home.
What a bossy jerk. I love it.
Me: Shhh. Just one, then home. My dad will be at the restaurant until Jimmy takes over the dinner shift. I’ll be good.
Holden: I know. Have fun. I’ll send Dave and the entire sheriff’s department after you if you don’t call me by 7.
Me: Psycho
Holden: You bet.
Me: Love you
Holden: You rock my world. Don’t make me wait
I laugh to myself, knowing a phone call isn’t the only thing I’m not going to make him wait for anymore.
Me: I don’t ever want to make you wait for anything again. Now shhhhh.
Holden: You destroy me. Love you.
I put the phone back into my purse and look back out the window, giddy as a schoolgirl. I can see my face in the reflection and almost don’t recognize myself. My eyes seem to be beaming; my face is bright with contentment. Even though I’m not smiling broadly anymore, just the look on my face emanated happiness. I should get off and go back to New York City. I should tell Holden I’m ready. I’ve always been ready. My heart is screaming at me to get off at the next exit. But as usual, my mind is taking over, knowing that whether I tell Holden tonight or Sunday, nothing will change how much we love each other. This weekend is for my dad. I know how much my visits mean to him, and backing out last minute will only remind him how alone he is. No—Holden can wait, and so can I.
I let my thoughts drift to my mom, which I never do. It is still too painful for me to actually think about life without her. I realize now that I always took for granted how much she tried to make sure I was always happy in my life. My mom supported every decision I have ever made, whether it was wearing my tutu to church on Sundays when I was four, to moving away f
rom Mantoloking after high school. She only ever asked me to make sure whatever decision I was making, that it would make me happy.
A cool rush goes through my body, starting with my heart, and shooting through every nerve, thinking of her asking me to do the same about Holden. Yes, he makes me happier than I’ve ever been.
There are very few commuters still on the train when we come to a rumbling stop in Point Pleasant. Halloween decorations are everywhere I look. Ghosts and glowing witches are hanging from the light posts lining the train station, pumpkins of all sizes and haystacks are piled in the corner by a sad-looking scarecrow. I take in the cool sea air, instantly relaxed at the sights and smell of home. For so long the shore has been a place I avoided, filled with horrible memories I wanted nothing more than to forget. Now I focus on the good here. My family, my friends, and Holden.
I look up to see Jess sitting on the roof of her car, smoking on an electronic cigarette and chatting on her phone. She has “smart ass” written all over her face as she struts over to me and turns the phone screen towards me. Holden. The smile on his face makes him look more like the fourteen-year-old I fell in love with than ever before. His deep, husky laugh instantly makes my knees go weak.
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Really, Holden?” I look up at Jess and give her the finger. “I literally just walked off the train. You two are paranoid.” I grab the phone from Jess and point it to the clearly marked sheriff’s car parked across the street. “I’ll be totally safe while I’m here. Love you, but cut the cord and get to work!”
I press the end button and hand the phone to Jess. “Thanks for picking me up. Want to head over to Cutter Lane and have some dinner while I wait for my dad to get off?”
Jess wraps her arm around me, leading me back to her car. “Sounds perfect. Dave has Charlotte, and I have a free pass for a few hours.”
Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 19