by Carol Jean
“Oh my God, Judy! Judy!”
Simon is upset and yelling and she feels like she’s floating . . . running away . . . from Simon.
“Simon you need to rest or at least get a shower and shave. When Judy wakes up the smell alone is going to scare her. She’s doing fine; the doctors are very pleased with her progress. Go on I’ll stay with her until you get back.”
Steven’s voice? She doesn’t understand. Where’s Simon?
“Simon.” She tries to call for him her throat dry and it feels like her tongue is taking up all the space in her mouth.
“I’m here Judy. It’s Simon, I’m here.”
“I’ll get the doctors.” Steven’s voice says and it doesn’t sound very happy. She can imagine the crease between his eyes is deep.
She moves her lips because her mouth is so dry.
“Here this is good.”
Cold . . . wet . . . wonderful, it’s gone too soon. She moves her lips for more.
Simon laughs. “Thirsty Judy? It probably feels like your tongue is as big as a basketball.”
There’s more in her mouth. She groans with relief and moves her lips. Another piece and something soft touches her lips.
“Cold ice and a warm kiss, does that feel better?” Simon is teasing her.
She feels her head nod. He laughs again and another piece is in her mouth followed by a touch of lips? Simon’s lips on hers?
“More Judy?” She opens her mouth and hears Simon laugh. Ice and lips. “I could do this all day Judy.”
She hears a door open and feet are walking on the floor. A hand is hard on her shoulder. She jumps and reaches out to find Simon’s hand. Her hand is caught by both of his, she can feel it. She wraps her fingers around anything she can grab. A finger and squeezes it hard.
“She’s scared. You scared her!” Simon says and she can hear his voice turned away from her and toward someone else. It’s full of disapproval.
“Sorry, Miss Mason. I’m your doctor, my name is Dr. Callis. Do you know where you are?”
She hadn’t thought of anything but Heaven and in a flash her stomach turns over and she sees blue sky and the flash of silver from BB’s hood and knows that she and BB are going to die. She isn’t afraid. Then there was Simon calling “Judy” and then she thinks of BB. She’s squeezing Simon’s finger and her chest is heaving and she can’t get air and she can’t feel the tears she knows are in her eyes and she realizes she hasn’t seen anything, not even Simon’s face.”See!”
She hears her scream. “BB!” She feels the heaviness of Simon’s body as he lies on top of her and holds her as she sobs against his cheek. “BB!” Sadness she’s never felt before consumes her.
People come and go but Simon is usually with her. He’s seems to switch with Steven when he leaves to get a shower and clean clothes or check on something. Steven is there more often than she can see or hear, but she feels him just the same. He doesn’t say much and doesn’t take her hand.
Franklin came and held one hand, while Simon held the other as the doctors told her what has happened to her.
Concussion, broken sternum, both ankles broken, right arm broken, ribs broken, tendons here and there, bruised and cut everywhere else, and stress damage to her neck and spine, nerve damage has left her blind. They fixed the physical damage and now it’s wait-and-see.
She’d told them about seeing the light and it hurt her eyes. “Hummm,” was Dr. Snider’s response and nothing else.
They listed her injuries with detailed descriptions but she didn’t really listen. It didn’t matter. She’s living her worse nightmare and now she’s the same as her Mom, too damaged for anyone to care about.
An alley would be preferable to laying here in this hollow sounding space not seeing anything, not running, not boxing, not knocking Renzo on his ass at Kempo and not shooting the grinning man between the eyes and not working in her office at Stalwart.
She can’t even think about going back to work – they said -- for maybe a year. And while she’s surrounded by people to seem to want to be there, BB is crushed, broken and alone in a shop or a junkyard somewhere and she can’t get to him.
“Open.” Something touches her lip. “Wider.” Judy hears Simon’s grin and does as he says. “Close and let it melt.”
Chocolate on chocolate smooth and rich with a heavy vanilla cream that bursts through the chocolate shell and fills her mouth with taste and her nose with aroma, it’s another delicious Simon surprise.
“Savor it,” Simon nuzzles her neck and it tickles. “Don’t swallow until you’re ready. He whispers in her ear. “Relish it, delight in the flavors and appreciate each texture until it’s all your brain can think about. Memorize each sensation and the pleasure it gives to you.”
In a deep, sexy, soulful voice, Simon’s presentations are always better than the candy and there’s no comparison to either.
His arm gently slides under her neck and he lifts her slowly and with caution. “It’s hot so sip.” Rich, coffee now mixes with the chocolate and vanilla and she’s overwhelmed with intense satisfaction and pleasure.
“Ummm,” she groans and Simon’s lips that she feels so often she can visualize open and his tongue slides in to enjoy it with her.
“Ummm,” he groans. “That’s the best one yet.”
“Cut that out Simon and go take a cold shower. You have no business molesting a beautiful woman when she can’t defend herself.” A woman’s voice that could be either angry or teasing, Judy can’t tell which.
Simon puts her back in place and she feels his weight leave the bed. Instant anxiety, she doesn’t want him to leave.
“Deidre it’s always a pleasure to see you.” She hears hear Simon grab Deidre into a huge hug and Judy knows because Deidre grunts and then there are two loud smacking kisses. He kisses her cheeks?”
Steven hasn’t said anything as usual, but she imagines him standing with Deidre and Simon with his arm draped over her shoulder as the three of them look at her.
“Doesn’t Judy look better today? Her cheeks are filling out and look how she blushes when I embarrass her.” He laughs happy and Judy feels her smile and the heat rise in her cheeks.
“A week ago, I could embarrass her and she couldn’t even blush, now look. Isn’t she beautiful?”
“It’s probably a reaction to the chocolate you keep stuffing into her. You’re going to put her into a sugar coma. Now go away, you’re going to be late for your meeting.” Steven’s voice sounds the same as when he used to order her around the gym.
Simon kisses her and talks with his lips against hers. “I’ll be back. Don’t go outside alone and don’t drink any wine or pickup any men while I’m gone.”
She laughs.
“I love that sound.” He kisses her lips with a soft peck. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
He’s gone and she misses him already.
The air hangs heavy for a while.
“The fun is over, Judy. Your doctors agree with me and I’m going to start your physical therapy right now.”
She’s startled and reaches out for Simon but the Deidre that Simon kissed takes her hand instead. Judy forgot that Simon left. Steven sits down and pulls the chair very close to her bed. She can feel his heat and his breath on her face.
“You and I have worked together for years. I know your body Judy and I been working with your other doctors since day one. We have a plan that will hopefully prevent additional surgery, as well as strengthen your body.”
Steven, it turns out is a doctor, he never said but it must be true, he sounds like all her other doctors. He clears his throat and she knows it’s going to be bad. It’s always bad when Steven clears his throat.
“There will be some pain. Deidre and I aren’t going to hurt you but your body will. It’s going to protest. It’s going to rebel. It’s going to fight to keep from getting hurt. It’s been three weeks. You’ve barely moved and your body has settled down where it’s comfortable, but if we don�
��t wake it up you may very well be partially paralyzed and a cripple for the rest of your life.”
She can’t help it. She starts to cry. There are no tears she can feel behind the heavy bandages over her eyes but her chest heaves in sobs.
“Stop it. Stop right now.” Steven yells at her. “That’s not going to help and it won’t stop me. If you don’t like it, tough shit, get up and kick my ass. Got it?”
Now after everything that’s happen, he’s breaking a promise to never hurt her and for the first time in her life, she wants to hurt back.
“Why didn’t you tell me you knew Simon? I told you all about him trying to date me and punish me for refusing by destroying Stalwart and you said nothing.
“You kissed me and knew you were lying when you did. You made me feel special and for the first time in my life, you made me believe that I could love someone and be loved back and then you walked away and didn’t fight for me. I would have fought for you!” She’s yelling and a nurse barges in.
“Judy if you don’t calm down, I’ll sedate you and Dr. Harter you should know better. Get on with your therapy, but I will make a note in the chart.”
The door shuts and the air is heavy and stale. It’s too hard to yell because every muscle and bone in her body hurts. Her voice is low, but her anger is raging.
“You told me about your wife and the moment you knew you died. Now so do I. I called you because I was in trouble and I just wanted to hear your voice to steady me. What you said clicked like the sound of a door shut and I died. I didn’t breathe for nearly two years and when I did, it was when I knew it would be my last. Simon will do the same to me as you did. After all, you and he go way back.” She spits the words she’s been holding in for nearly two years.
“I love Simon and always have on some level. But I never wanted to love him and I didn’t hide that from him. I would have kept my feelings in check and maybe he and I would have been friends one day. I wanted to love you.”
Deidre has been soothing my hair. “Men are pigs. But what can we do, they are our other half.”
Deidre kisses her on the forehead. “However, I do know you’re wrong about Simon. He’s always said he loves you and I’ve never seen him as happy as he is being with you now. Steven knew that too, Judy. Can you see the conflict here?”
“What’s that got to do with it? Someone loves you or they don’t. I don’t play games. I was honest and told the truth and was paid back by deceit and callousness. It would have been hard to hear the truth that you were not going to love me Steven, but I would have tried to keep you in my life, even it was friendship. You threw me in the alley and walked away to let me suffer alone without explanation or apology. I wouldn’t do that to my worse enemy!”
She hears Steven gasp.
“Get on with it Steven. There’s nothing worse you can do to me.”
Deidre laughs nervously and squeezes Judy’s hand. “What we’re going to do is slowly wake up your body. We’ll start with your feet and legs and your hands and arms. We are going to massage and increase the blood flow and try to encourage your nerves to relax and work properly. What Steven said is true, it’s going to hurt. You will have to bear some pain, but we’ll go slowly.
“You need to help us. Take what you can but you must tell us when you are exhausted or when the pain is too much to bear. It won’t help you, if it’s too much. Do you understand sweetie?”
“Yes.”
Steven’s voice sounds shaken but she doesn’t feel any sympathy. She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. “One good thing is that the pain will stop when we stop. If it keeps hurting you need to tell us. It’s important Judy. We have to trust you to be honest.”
Overwhelmed with the irony of his words, she can’t speak, even when she feels Steven lift her covers. The moment he starts to massage her feet, pain like hot lightning shoots through her body. She brings up the memory of that kiss and her abandon need and desire to love him.
The pain in her feet is now a thousand hot needles and she closes her mind to it, instead she feels his kiss and the ache in her belly like she’s done at least once a day since. Those few precious hours of hope and sharing that were so real to her and so long ago.
The pain is now doubled as Deidre starts on her fingers and wrist and up her arms. Intense beyond any pain she’s ever felt and it’s Simon’s face that fills her head and keeps her from screaming. “Am I your enemy Judy?”
“Yes.” His beautiful face winches and she sees and feels his pain she caused by her words. Honesty hurts as much as deceit, but at least recovery is possible.
“Stop Deidre, she’s going into shock!”
The pain stops and she wants to sleep but she’s so cold with clammy sweat covering her from head to toe and now she’s trembling so hard she can hear her teeth rattle.
She’s been here before a bunch of times since she can remember and it was always her Dad spanking her with hundreds of hard hits to her butt and legs and back and face only stopping when it hurt him too much to hurt her any more. When it wasn’t fun for him because she could only lay there and take it. Her tears were gone like her screams that didn’t make it stop. She’d pass out and wake in the same bone deep cold and covered with sticky sweat and shaking.
Steven’s barking orders at the nurses and it sounds like her Dad yelling at her to get up off the floor and get out of his way. She’d crawl to her corner and huddle in her blanket and hold herself tight, when she was warm the trembleys would stop and she could sleep and forget.
“This is not a normal reaction to light massage. Something else is going on with her. Get new x-rays and . . .”
She doesn’t want to hear anymore. She wants to climb into BB and driveway from all the hurt in her body and in her heart. But BB’s dead and there’s nothing to do but take it and go to sleep and forget.
The smell wakes her, delicious, yummy, she reaches out to the air and Simon finds her hand and kisses it.
“I had a tough day too. I thought we could celebrate our mutual survival, so I got Richard out of bed and he made us a Judy-Judy-Judy with Julie bun. Here open wide.”
Simon places a plastic spoon in her mouth and warm, creamy sauce screams comfort and sunny Sunday afternoons. “Mmmm.”
Simon laughs and does the same. “The first time I did that, I thought I was going to explode with happiness, Judy. That was my finest moment and I never got the chance to thank you.”
He cuts small pieces and feeds her. They eat in silence until they’re both full.
“Steven loves you in his way, but Deidre is better for him. And besides, you are meant for me. I need you and I can’t live without you. I think I loved you the moment I saw you.
“It was at your entrepreneur group. You were all about ignoring me and I kept teaching trying to reach you. Bright, obviously intelligent and I saw ambition and someone special wrapped in beauty. I ran after you when you left. You saw me, but still you stepped into the bus and waved goodbye to me through the window. I was crushed.”
Simon snorts a laugh.
“I yelled out that you were great and thanked you,” she justifies.
“And you left me standing on the sidewalk with all your business friends looking at me like I was an idiot. You’ve always run from me.
“I had been at a late meeting that was troubling and difficult. I was driving and thinking through it, when I realized that I had no idea where I was. Then out of the dark a flash of long legs and arms pushing furiously you ran like the wind in front of my car.
“I slammed on my brakes, but you were gone. I couldn’t believe it was you. Why in the Hell were you in that neighborhood. It was dangerous at best and you were out there alone and vulnerable in the dark. I tried to keep up with you, intending to get you safe in my car and take you home. Every time I got near you, another burst of speed and you were gone again. Finally you ran into a building and I knew you were at least somewhere you knew.”
Simon squeezes my hand. “You scared me t
o death Judy. I called in a favor and found out that’s where you lived. I couldn’t believe that someone like you who’s too precious for this world to loose, would be playing with death around every corner of that place to live there and drive a $60,000 Jaguar!”
Simon laughs but it’s not his happy laugh. “I concluded that you were nuts and needed someone to take care of you. But you ran every time I tried to get to know you and you to know me.”
Simon puts the straw to her lips and she slurps the last of the Diet Coke.
“Go to sleep my lovely Judy. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Chapter 23. Unwelcome Surprises
She’s been taken out of her room, a hallway, an elevator more hallways. The smells are cold of metal and linoleum and tile floors. People rush by her and it’s only Simon holding her hand that keeps her from screaming, “Stop. I don’t want to go wherever you are taking me!”
The doctor is going to test her eyes and see if there is any change he says and adds quickly that it’s not going to hurt. She hears at least three voices surrounding her. She grips Simon’s hand when they start taking the bandages off.
“Don’t be afraid. The room is dark, except for ambient lighting. If you can see, it will be gray and shadows. Don’t let it scare you.” A woman’s voice says and Judy hears the smile in her voice. She figures the woman is trying to reassure her and make her feel comfort. She fails.
They’ve unwound the wrap that went around her head and now they’re slowly removing what feels like cotton squares over her eyes. Simon gasps.
“You’re healing nicely and we don’t expect any scaring. It would take a few months before they go away completely,” Dr. Snider says. “I’m not going to wrap them again, so you’ll be wearing very dark sunglasses that look like goggles to keep all the light out.”
She groans with pleasure, maybe she’ll get to wash her hair for real and take a shower. She groans again at the thought.
“You all right, Judy?” Simon whispers concern in his voice.