Trigger

by Carol Jean

  “You’re not going to do it are you?” Clarence speaks but Michael’s face is asking the same question. “You’re not going to turn her over to those psycho-babble people are you?”

  Steven doesn’t know what condition she will be in when she wakes up. He shakes his head and shrugs.

  “If she’s violent or in a psychotic condition, I might have to.”

  Michael’s face flares red.

  “She’ll have to be in a place where she can be medicated and safe. Look around. The lamp, knives in the kitchen, the flower vase they are deadly weapons in the hands of someone who is trained and knows how to use them. Judy knows how to use them.”

  “She’s never been violent before, Steven,” Clarence’s words are those of a gentleman and man of reason.

  “Simon and I researched Judy’s background and the trials of her Dad and brother gave us more insight. The brutality she was subjected to is unbelievable at best. That sort of treatment doesn’t go away. Judy’s method of dealing was to become physically strong and skilled so that she would never suffer again. Her logic was simple. Be stronger, faster, and more skilled than anyone who could threaten her. There was no other way to survive.”

  “Well it worked. I’m sore all over.” Clarence readjusts the ice packs on his shoulder and shins. “If I wasn’t black, I’m sure I’d look like it.”

  “How did you do that Clarence? I never thought you were that agile.”

  “I wasn’t going to fall on her. When I grabbed her she twisted and had a hold on me that was taking me down. I mean, I couldn’t stop her from throwing me like a sack of flour. My weight was my only weapon against her but I couldn’t fall on her. I would have pushed her through the concrete. I didn’t want that on my conscience.

  “Once I had her down and on top of me, I had to lock my arms and ankles around her to hold her and she still wouldn’t stop. She was ready to head butt me and bite me, when you finally got up off your butt.”

  “Steven.” Judy hears voices somewhere far away. Steven? Clarence? She hurts all over. Her tongue is thick. Her head hurts. If feels like her forearms and hands are broken. They won’t move.

  Soft lips touch hers. A gentle hand cups her face.

  “You’re home Judy. You’re in your bed and Becky is fixing you some creamy potato soup.”

  “Steven?”

  “You can’t tell?” Steven laughs but she can imagine the crease between his eyes. It’s in his voice.

  “Is Simon here?”

  “No Judy. Simon isn’t here?”

  “But I . . . fixed it.”

  “No, you didn’t. Simon is dead Judy. You are brilliant, talented and beautiful, but even you can’t fix death.”

  “But I talked to him. I told him he was wrong to take my place and he was to get out of there and come back home.” She feels her pant that paces with her confusion.

  “Simon is dead. He can’t come back.”

  She hears Steven’s soft words and feels him stroking her hair but her brain is so confused but she was clear on one thing. “You are lying to me! Again! I don’t believe you!”

  “Judy, tell me what you did when you left your apartment. Tell me each step you took until now. When did you leave here?” Steven lifts her, sits down behind her and pulls her close to him with his arms wrapped tightly around her. He hands her a citrus drink.

  “Please drink this. You’ll feel better and then you and I can talk about what happened with Simon. “What were you doing when you decided to leave?”

  She can’t seem to find her voice. She tries to talk but she can’t quite figure out how. She takes a sweet, cooling mouthful of Steven’s citrus drink.

  “Who is the last person you talked to here in your apartment, just before you left.”

  “Charles.”

  Steven kisses her temple. “Good. That’s good. Go on.”

  She takes another big drink.

  “He was mad at me because I was being friendly with the governor.”

  “Go on my love, tell me everything.”

  With each word she speaks, the next becomes easier. She cries into Steven’s chest when she talks about Mr. Perry. She cries for a long time with heavy sobs that shake her, especially when she tells Steven how much Simon’s father is like her Dad and the words he used were the same.

  She tells him that she needed her blanket and went to find it so she could go to sleep and forget. She tells him how much she misses BB and it was so sad to visit his home, knowing that he wasn’t there. She tells him about drinking tea with Mr. Chung and that they hugged when she said goodbye. She tells him about turning left and walking down the sidewalk toward the alley.

  “I knew right then what I should do. Simon took my place in the alley. I would make him leave and lay down where I was supposed to be and then Simon could go home.”

  “He said he liked it here. He said he was mad at me because I was so unhappy and I told him to get out of my place and go home. He said he wasn’t going to let me take him out of the alley. He grabbed me and wouldn’t let me get in my place next to Mom.

  ”Simon was fighting me and I couldn’t get there. I fought him hard because it was my place to be and not his and he is so beautiful and wonderful and the world wouldn’t be right until he was back in it.

  “He was so stubborn and stupid! If you were there like you said, did you hear him, Steven? Did you see that he was stubborn and stupid and fought me so he could stay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you see that he had Clarence stop me from pulling him out of the alley?”

  “Yes.”

  “Were you there, when I went to sleep?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you’re here now?”

  “Yes. Clarence is here, too. He waited to make sure you were okay.”

  “Clarence!” She yells to make sure Steven is telling her the truth.

  “Judy, I’m here. I was just outside your bedroom listening to you tell Steven what happened.” He sounds so calm and gentle, but he was mean.

  “You were mean to me. Did Simon hire you to stop me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “Simon loves you Judy. He wants you to live and be happy. He hired me to help Steven make your nightmare stop. He said I was big and strong enough to do that.”

  “How much did he pay you?”

  “He said I could have the friendship you shared with him. He said I could always be your friend and you would always be mine.”

  At the speed of an erupting volcano loss, empty, cold, burning and then she knows. “Simon is dead! Oh my God, Simon is dead! He’ll never come back! He’ll never, ever come back!”

  Pain explodes and the big black bubble inside her that held Simon’s love and smile and sweetness and goodness bursts wide open and racks her body with pain . . . hot . . . cold . . . searing pain.

  She hears her wails of agony, not just for Simon but for her and for Steven and for her Mom.

  Steven grabs her tighter than ever and Clarence wraps his arms around them both. They hold her until her screams and sobs are exhausted and she drifts from here to there holding out her hand for Simon to take it.

  Chapter 41. Steven’s Hand

  “Give me your hand Judy. I love you and you love me and we will love each other as long as we live. We’re going to laugh and dance and love and be a family who loves each other and is good to each other and welcomes each morning so we can love each other some more. Give me your hand, Judy. Give me your hand to hold forever.”

  She places her hand in his. He kisses it gently and squeezes it tight.

  “I now pronounce you, Steven, husband to Judy. I now pronounce you, Judy, wife to Steven. God has blessed this union between Judy and Steven and let no man put asunder. Steven you may kiss your bride.”

  Judy throws her arms around Steven’s neck reaching for his lips. She’s sure he’s surprised by her attack but Steven is getting used to her challenges. She’s desperate for him and wants to make
that clear. She wants him, she’s happy to be his lover, wife, partner, and build a family and life together.

  “So this is what I can expect from now on?” Steven speaks against her lips.

  “Yes.”

  Chapter 42. Free Will

  The wedding reception has been going on for hours and it looks like it’s going to last well into the night. Becky was her maid of honor; Suzanne and Steven’s daughter Amy were her bridesmaids. Michael stood for Steven as best man and he’s brought a gorgeous red head as his date. Judy watches Suzanne watch them. She has a beautiful secret smile on her face and then she comes and sits between her and Steven.

  “Michael looks happy doesn’t he? I’m so happy for him I could just die from it. Lilly is perfect for him and I love her so much already. She’s going to be an architect and since, Michael’s going to be an engineer I think that’s perfect. Don’t you?”

  “Yes.” Judy takes her hand and holds it in her lap.

  “Steven, what do you think?”

  “She’s perfect. Beautiful, charming, smart and she loves him doesn’t she?”

  “Yes. Michael hasn’t said the words to me, but I know he loves her too. They can’t stay apart or keep their hands off each other!” Suzanne giggles.

  Suzanne smiles and squeezes my hand. “I miss him you know. But it’s good for him and I’m so busy anyway, but still I miss how it was sometimes, just Michael and me.”

  “You’ve got us now, doesn’t that help?” Steven wraps his arm around the petite girl with flowing golden hair and a sketch pad on her lap.

  Suzanne takes a deep breath. “Momma wants me to live with her when she finishes school. I know she doesn’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to. Are you going to make me, Steven?”

  “No.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Suzanne, Judy and I want what you want. You are our priority. It’s nice that you’ve helped your mother. You helped her to read and write and she’s is getting good grades. She told me yesterday, that she’ll have her GED in another month and Judy has a job for her ready and waiting. Let her make her own way. Let her find herself, support herself and get confidence. She’s only thirty-seven. She needs to find her own place.”

  “So when I’m home from school, I’m still with you and Judy?”

  “Yes.”

  “But what if Momma makes me?”

  “Judy and I are your legal guardians, Suzanne. We will not let you go until you tell us that’s what you want. We will always fight for you Suzanne. You are part of our family and family protects each other and fights for each other. Your mother has no legal restraints on you, Suzanne. What you give to her, you give of your own free will.”

  Holding that soft, small hand that is blessed with huge talent and capacity to love, Steven’s words to Suzanne are much the same as he spoke to her. His words crushed her heart and that’s when she realized that Simon was dead and was never going to hold her hand again.

  Chapter 43. Blind Trust

  Two days after her episode in the alley -- Steven calls it -- Judy still has that out-of-body, lethargic, hopeless futility she’s hidden inside most of her life. Stalwarts, a couple of incredible hours with Steven and three weeks of charming, fun-loving Simon, is all she’s experienced of the good times everyone talks about.

  Steven was pacing at the foot of her bed, frustrated with her because she wouldn’t get up, she didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to work, she didn’t want to do anything but stare at the ceiling that she couldn’t see, but knew was there.

  “Steven, just leave. I’ve managed on my own for a long time. Just go and get on with your life. You’re making me miserable!”

  She rolled over, intending to go back to sleep, when Steven roughly grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. It didn’t hurt, but it surprised her. Steven had always cared for her, but he was always many miles away, too far to touch or reach out for his hand that she knew he would never give.

  “Unless you send me away, I will never leave you again. But I will fight for you even then. Your Mom and Dad have no hold on you, Judy. Simon fought the beasts that tormented you and his final gift was love and freedom from all that. What you do with Simon’s gift, you do with your own free will.” Then he lay down beside her and held her tight.

  His words whirled in her head for weeks. She couldn’t get them out of her consciousness, and they even took precedence over her nightmare. Had Simon conquered her nightmares and the ever present threat from her dad and brothers? Time would tell. Nevertheless, Steven took control of her body immediately.

  “You and I are going to get your body feeling good again. Everything else will fall in place once you feel good and strong.” Steven dragged her to endless doctor’s appointments and tests and stood beside her through and six surgeries. He was unafraid and sure for that whole year, but she felt him waver for the last. A new procedure that could help her see again.

  “I want you to see the sunrise and sunset and look into the faces of Michael, Suzanne, and Amy and me! I want you to see how much we love you.” Steven laid his head on her chest. It was the middle of the night before the procedure and she still hadn’t agreed to it.

  Free will? At first it all meant more to Steven than it did to her. She did what she was told because with every step forward, she felt his strength drip into her soul. Piece by piece, Steven was relighting her fire. She began to feel it burn. He knew and worked her harder until she begged him to stop.

  “Run a quarter of a mile and do it the right way, not that crap form you used before. Cut off five seconds and then you can rest awhile,” he ordered and she felt him cross his arms over his chest and stand watching her back as she ran.

  He wouldn’t let her workout at home. He dragged her into the car twice a day to the club. Only when he had her in the pool or the whirlpool did they stay in her building.

  Clarence and the guys would cheer and pat her on the back, when she did something that pleased Steven and then she suffered his green/gray sludge.

  Today Steven is nervous. Michael came home from college, and they picked up Suzanne from her private school fifty miles from home.

  “The three of you are killing me! Will you lighten up?” Judy yells at the zombies sitting in the car with her, who wouldn’t even put in Michael’s favorite country music DVD for the trip to the hospital. She suffered the music forever and now when she needed it, it was silent.

  “Come on guys, if nothing happens; everything is just the same, right? It’s not worse it’s just the same and has it been that bad for all of you?”

  “No ma’am. It’s just that you’ve worked so hard, it would be like the icing on the cake. It’s not for us, it’s for you,” Michael reaches forward and puts his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t misunderstand us, Judy. We’ll love you just the same either way to turns out today. You deserve to have it work out for you. Plus, we want you to see the surprise we have for you.

  “What is it, Michael?” She’s had so many gifts from all of them during the past months. Like Simon’s gifts they’ve all been wonderful.

  “We’re hoping you can see it for yourself, ma’am.”

  “Michael, at best I’ll be able to see some light and shadows and movement. It’s been so long, my brain will have to learn all over again. You know this.” She holds his hand that still rests on her shoulder. He’s grown so much, it feels like a man’s hand. “No matter what, everything will be all right, now, everyone in this family, just chill!”

  Steven has his arm loosely around her shoulders and he let Michael and Suzanne stay in the exam room. To be honest, she really wasn’t nervous. After all, just like she said to Michael, it couldn’t get worse than it is. What’s to be afraid of? Simon’s face floats in view, just like it does for every anxious, do or die moment she has and damn, if he didn’t look nervous too.

  She feels the doctor put his hand on her right eye lid and a finger on her lower lid. What? She tries to blink but he’s holding her eyes open.
Steven feels her tension. “What it is, Judy?”

  The voice of Dr. Snider is loud in her ears. He’s calmly excited. “They’re reacting. Judy you have reaction. You should be able to see my light.”

  “Hurts.”

  He laughs, Steven laughs, the light is gone and so is the hurt with it, but now it’s in her left eye.

  “Hurts. Scared.” She’s waving her hand for Simon and Steven puts her hand against his lips. “It won’t hurt for long. Close your eyes and rest a minute. This is really good Judy. How do you feel?”

  “Scared.”

  “I’m here Judy. I’ve got you.” Steven kisses her lips and it calms her.

  “You two stand in front of that wall,” Dr. Snider tells Michael and Suzanne. Judy closes her eyes to rest and hears them shuffle and stand quietly.

  “Judy told me that if she can see anything, she wants to see you both first. Judy, I’m not sure what you’ll see, but what I do know is that it will most likely get clearer and clearer every day. Just like we talked about, give it time, don’t stress, rest your eyes like we’ve discussed and let what ever happens, happen naturally.”

  “Steven, you’re going to squeeze her hand off. Relax.” Dr. Snider laughs and Steven’s grip loosens some.

  “Okay. I’ve turned on the ambient lighting so it won’t hurt you. Michael and Suzanne are standing in that light. They’re straight ahead. Open your eyes when you are ready.”

  Whatever happens, Simon, I want you to know I love you and I’m not mad at you anymore. Thank you for giving me my life and Steven back to me. The words sound so plain and simple. They are the hardest words she’s ever said. Whatever happens now Simon, it’s time for me to move on I’ll always cherish your love and the memories of you.

  Judy opens her eyes. She can see gray not black and the gray is getting lighter and lighter and now she can see two figures in the light. One is tall and lean. The other is petite with light hair. She looks from short or tall and back. “Ma’am, how are you doing?”