Fuck tonight.
My room is second on the left, but I don’t stop. I pass by my door and carry on until I’m standing outside Harper’s door. She closed this panel of wood in my face earlier and I didn’t like it. Perhaps that’s why I’m here.
Who am I kidding, I’m here because I want to be.
I knock three times and nothing.
I knock again and still, nothing.
I knock a final time and growl.
“I know you’re in there, Harp,” I say loud enough for her to hear. “Come on, it’s me, JJ.”
Ten seconds later the door opens, and I bite down on my tongue. Standing in her night gear, her shorts barely cover the top of her thighs and her tank top hangs a little too loose. No need for my imagination. Not that I’m complaining, it’s much better than the goody-goody blouse she was wearing today.
“Sorry, people have been knocking all night, it’s getting annoying. I was just ignoring it.”
It doesn’t look like she’s going to invite me in, so I push the door open a little more and I invite myself in. Her television is on and some guy is on his knees begging a woman to take him back, all very lovey-dovey.
Her bed sheets show she was lying in bed but only half of the sheets are rumpled. I fall on the side she wasn’t sitting on and kick my boots off.
“Shut the door, Harps, unless you’re expecting more visitors?”
I look around for the remote and find it under her pillow.
“Hey, I was watching that,” she cries, shutting the door as I change the channel. “And, what are you doing?”
She stays by the door and crosses her arms over her chest.
“I thought I’d keep you company,” I shrug, changing the channel from another chick-flick.
“You never miss a party,” she points out. “I’m okay on my own, and I really was watching that movie.”
Something is different about her. I remember all the times she hated to be by herself and now she’s content to spend her time up here on her own. What the hell did they do to her at Blue Waters. She’s a completely different person.
“I feel alone, and I don’t like it.”
She sighs loud enough for me to get the message I’m being a pain in her ass, the one thing she never let me inside.
“I’m not going to sleep with you,” she adamantly tells me, coming to sit on the edge of the bed.
“I’m not here for that.”
It’s the truth.
Although, if she’s game, I wouldn’t turn her down.
“So, we’re friends now?”
Mulling it over, I could be her friend. Just because she started to get clingy last year, didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy spending time with her. She’s cool and funny, and her sarcasm matches mine.
“Sure, we’re friends.”
“Since when?”
She’s suspicious. Her narrowed eyes and the confusion dancing around her makes it painfully obvious.
“Oh, since I had a breakdown and I’m not showing you any attention?”
“It’s not like that,” I argue.
“I don’t need a friend like you, Jason Carter. You’re the last person on earth I’d choose for a friend.”
She means it, you’d have to be a fool not to see it. I sit up and reach for her hand. It takes her a fraction too long to move away and when she does, I don’t like it.
“I’m being genuine, Harper. I want to spend time with you.”
Her laugh rattles around the room and she’s cold and bitter. I’m ready for her to argue with me, what I don’t expect is her to be calm as she throws her built up frustration at me.
“Where were you when I wanted to spend time with you? Oh yeah, sticking your dick in anyone who spread their legs for you. Please, I’m asking you to leave. I’ve got so much to get used to, I can’t do that with you messing me around.”
“I’m not here to mess you around, that’s the last thing I want.”
“What is it you do want?”
“I want to spend time with you…”
“And now you have, please, just go.”
The pleading in her voice gets through and I sigh, not out of frustration, but out of sadness. I’ve done this to her, and I completely blame myself.
I move around her, edging my way off her bed, and slip my boots back on. She keeps a clear gap between us, making sure to never get too close and it sucks.
“I don’t need your pity, JJ. Go and party and just be yourself, this be kind and thoughtful get up isn’t you and I don’t like it.”
I can’t leave the room fast enough for her and the door doesn’t slam closed, it closes with a soft click that is more gut hitting than the impact of a slam. Confused, I’m too stunned to leave.
I take one step and stop. Her whimpers are strangled through the door, but I hear them. Resting my forehead against the door, I silently promise to dry her tears and vow to never be the reason she cries again. God knows I’ve made her cry plenty of times before and I hate myself for it.
* * *
Past
I could do with shutting my eyes for an hour or two and if I were at the club, I would. However, I’m lying in Harper’s bed and there’s no way I can close my eyes for a second, not with batshit crazy McCarthy beside me.
So, with a heavy body, I sit up and swing my legs over the edge of her bed and snag my jeans off the floor. Lily is always at Billy’s Drinking Bar and the empty house is perfect to come and seek time with Harper. All I have to do is send her a message and she’s here waiting for me. It’s easy getting in, but it’s a different story trying to leave without a drama.
“Can you pass me my smokes?” she sighs, calmly.
Almost, too calmly, for Harper anyway.
I find them in her purse, dangling from the bedpost and throw them over my shoulder at her, after taking one for myself.
Lighting up, I slip her the lighter and take a moment to enjoy the rush of nicotine after sex.
One thing about Harper is she’s dick throbbing hotness. She’s also crazy of the highest degree, but when she’s on her back with the sheets barely covering her, it always blows me away how stunning she is.
Even so, holding the cigarette between my lips, I shove my legs in my jeans and lean back to do the buttons up.
“Are you leaving already?” she asks, exhaling a long line of smoke.
“I don’t like to outstay my welcome,” I grin, taking another drag on the cigarette and stub it out in the ashtray on her nightstand.
“You never stay long enough for that,” she huffs, and rolls onto her side.
She passes me her cigarette and it joins mine in the ashtray. I throw on my top and shrug into my cut.
“Where are my boots?”
I don’t remember taking them off, I was in such a rush to get out of my clothes, it blinded me.
“I haven’t got a clue,” she mutters, resting her head on the pillow.
“You wouldn’t need them if you stayed, it is late.”
She got up to use the bathroom after the first time we’d finished, I wouldn’t put it past her to hide them to keep me here. It’s the kind of shit she’d pull.
“Where are they?” I growl, losing my patience with her.
It’s the same shit every time. If I could leave her alone, I wouldn’t be in this position.
“Fuck, Jason. I don’t know.”
I see them by the door and cross the room to retrieve them.
“What do you think would happen if I stayed?” I ask her, genuinely interested to know what goes through her head.
“Honestly?”
“No, fuckin’ lie to me, babe.”
“Asshole,” she mutters, sitting up, letting the sheets fall around her and leaning back on her hands. “I’d want you to fuck me till I fell asleep, literally closing my eyes and falling asleep.”
I stop tying my laces and look up at her, frowning.
“I ain’t doing that, how would I finish if you’re not a-fuckin’-w
ake for it. That’s like rape or some shit.”
She looks at me like I’m missing her point or not understanding, and she’s god damn right I don’t understand.
“Maybe it’s not always about you.”
I finish doing up my boots and stand. I’ll fuck her anytime of the day, but not when she’s falling asleep, that’s fucked up in its own rite.
“I can pick you up a few sleepers from the twins if you’re having trouble sleeping?”
She falls back on the bed and throws one arm over her face.
“Just go.”
“Will I see you at the club this Friday?” I ask and get no answer from her.
The next time I see the twins, I’ll get them to sort her out. Perhaps she won’t be off her head crazy if she’s not so tired.
The house is silent as I jog down the stairs and head for the front door. My bike is parked outside the house and the street is shrouded in darkness. Slade chose the quietest part of town for Lily and Harper to live and because the neighbours notify him of anything unusual going on, my bike coming and going is a problem. If they complain about the noise too much, Slade will want to know who is showing up at his sister’s house when they shouldn’t be.
Usually, I have to walk my bike to the end of the street and around the corner before starting it up. Tonight, I don’t care. I swing my leg over my beautiful machine and turn the key.
Before I can pull out onto the road, something pointy hits me on the back of my head.
Something bright red falls to the ground and as I look closer, it’s a fucking shoe.
“What the fuck?” I mumble to myself.
As I look up, I’m assaulted with another red shoe but this time, I put my arm up just in time to shield myself.
“Fuck off, Harper,” I yell, not caring about the neighbours hearing me.
“You’re such an asshole, JJ,” she cries, and throws another shoe. “Don’t you come around here again, you hear me, you prick?”
I swing my bike onto the road and let the engine roar, I’ll wake up every fucker on this street if it means her attack won’t be able to reach me this far out.
“You’ll want me back this weekend,” I shout out, with an amused tone dancing around my voice.
“You’re not the only asshole in this awful town,” she screams from her window, throwing another shoe at me.
It falls short landing on their lawn and I rev my bike.
“I’ll see you Friday, Crazy McCarthy, make sure you’re not wearing any panties.”
With that said, I drown out her yelling and hollering and ride away before she runs out of the house and chases me down, it wouldn’t be the first time.
Fuck knows why I keep going back to her. It’s not even like she’s the only one I’m banging, she’s by far the most temperamental, though.
By the time I ride up to the clubhouse, it’s still lit up and the music is pumping out from inside. I’m shocked as shit when I see Leo sitting outside on one of the benches, laughing at something the twins are telling him. Since India started college, he’s been one moody bastard.
“Alright, brother, and girls,” I grin, earning myself a punch to the shoulder from Mason. They’re not patched in yet but they act like they are. I sit beside Leo and throw my feet up on the nearest chair.
“I swear to god, if you look at the phone one more time, I’m gonna throw it against the wall,” I warn him, when he pulls it out his pocket. It’s bad enough he drops us out for her, the least he can do is not live on his phone now she’s gone.
“I was checking the time,” he blatantly lies to my face.
“Oh yeah, what is it then?”
A blank stare covers his face and I snort. He’s such a fucking sap.
“Where have you been anyway?”
“Unlike you, I haven’t forgotten how to fuck and duck out. Why you had to catch feelings, I’ll never understand.”
“How is Harper?” he chuckles.
Shaking my head, I realise I didn’t put my socks on before I left. No wonder my feet are sticking inside my boots.
“Crazy as ever, I’m gonna have to drop her out after this weekend. She wants me around all the time,” I tell him, shuddering.
“I think you would’ve dropped her out by now if you were going to do it.”
Fuck this.
“Just because you’re pussy whipped does not mean it’s catching on to me, brother. Now, I’m going to put on some socks.”
“Huh?”
Ignoring him, I jump up, and walk over to the side door into the clubhouse, I take the side stairs up to my room and unlock my door.
It’s a damn shame Harper can’t control herself, I’m actually going to miss her perfect ass. I empty my pockets and dump the crap on my bed. A text comes through on my phone and it’s not surprising when I see it’s from Harper.
‘I’ll be about tomorrow if you want to come pick up your socks. I’ll be nice.’
Laughing to myself, I know she wouldn’t stay mad for long.
Harper
It’s not early, but it’s considered early for the brothers in the club and when I head down to the kitchen for breakfast, Bonnie is the only one around cooking up a storm.
Platters of bacon and sausages cover the counter tops and Bonnie looks over her shoulder at me as she scrambles the eggs.
“Help yourself before the guys smell it and come and eat it all,” she smiles.
Bonnie was one of the first old ladies to come and welcome us to town. She became firm friends with Lily and was always kind to me when I was around. I don’t know if she’s heard anything about her son and I, if she has, she’s not letting on.
She piles the eggs onto a plate and moves it to the table. She returns to the stove and starts preparing pancakes.
“How long have you been in here?”
This must’ve taken her ages.
“Long enough. Seriously, get some food before it goes. Once the guys are in here, it won’t last long.”
“Actually, is there any oatmeal and fruit here?”
Her laugh fills the kitchen and she doesn’t bother to answer me, her laugh is her reply.
Cas and Sparky are the first ones to walk in and my eyes fall to the baby in his arms.
“Look at you,” Bonnie smiles at Cas. “You always did look good holding a baby.”
“Hey, I’m standing right here,” Sparky grumbles, snatching a piece of toast from the table. It’s hard to find a section of his skin that isn’t covered in ink. He is a blur of tattoos. I wonder if he regrets them? I’m sure long ago when he first had them done they looked good, but now they’re all mashing into one another and the colours are fading.
“I’m well aware, but you’re not holding the baby,” she smiles up at her husband.
“Oh, I see,” he grins, swinging her into his arms in one swift move.
They’re so loving with each other, it’s weird to see and also nice. He presses his lips into her neck and she closes her eyes enjoying his touch. I wonder if this is what my mom has been chasing since she was a young girl, why we moved from one guy’s place to another my entire childhood.
Cas clears his throat, reminding the two where they are, and I throw him a grateful smile. I love the idea of love but seeing it in reality is gross.
“How are you doing, Harper?” Sparky asks.
“Good, thanks,” I murmur.
Sparky doesn’t normally talk to me and quite frankly, I don’t trust his friendly armour he wears. I mean, I’ve never seen him be anything but a nice guy but there is something behind his eyes that I see and don’t like. JJ has the same, perhaps it was passed down from father to son. I think it’s his ability to be so nice when he wants something from me and then be a right prick when he’s done with me. Maybe, I just don’t trust the Carter men.
“She’s after oatmeal and fruit,” Bonnie tells him.
“You’ll have to wait till the next food run for that shit,” he tells me, and I want to curl up and hide. It soun
ds so stupid now, like they’re going to run around after me during a time like this for fruit.
Rayna begins to whimper in Cas’s arms. Bonnie is right, he does look good with a baby. He’s a good looking guy for his age, I can only imagine how hot he was back in his day.
I grab two slices of toast from the plate on the table and keep to myself as I eat. I changed my diet, or my lifestyle as Dr Willis would say, while I was in Blue Waters. The cleaner my life is the less chance I have of setting a trigger off, or I like to think so anyway. I don’t want to go to that dark place again. A clean body is a clean mind and a clean mind is a clean life. A simple, happy life.
Uncle Slade walks in and pours himself a coffee and he’s followed by Leo. He stands over Cas and coos over his daughter before he fills a plate of breakfast. India isn’t anywhere in sight, nor is JJ.
Slade spies me in the corner and pulls out the chair beside me. My uncle is nothing like my mom. How can a brother and a sister be so different? They both had the same upbringing and a mom who worked hard for them. Yet, my mom has always acted like money will appear from nowhere because we don’t have any and I’d be able to look after myself as a child. I mean, I did, but it wasn’t because I wanted to, it was because I had to.
“Do you know of any jobs going in town? Has Aunt Kris got any work for me?”
“It’s not a good time for you to be coming and going around town, Harp’s. I’ll help you out when shit calms down around here.”
“How long do you think that’ll be? I need structure and routine, a job will…”
“I said, wait.”
I shut my mouth and sit back. If Slade’s in a mood, shit must be bad. I pick up my plate and dump it in the sink. I push my way through brothers beginning to file in when Cas grabs my wrist and I come to a stop.
Holding the baby with one hand as she sleeps against his chest, he releases my wrist and I cross my arms over my chest, waiting for him to speak.
“You can work the bar while you’re staying here,” he says. “I can’t pay you much, but it’ll be a damn lot more than nothing.”
“We have prospects who work the bar for nothing, Cas,” Sparky grunts.
His Selfish Love: Sons of Lost Souls MC Book Two Page 5