I hear the baby before I see India walking over with her to the bench I’m sitting on under the biggest tree closest to the main house.
Before she sits, she holds the baby out for me to take and before my shock can wear off, I’m holding my hands out to take her.
The baby is heavier than she looks, and I have to readjust her a couple of times before I’m convinced I’m not going to drop her.
She’s dressed in a cute pink dress today and is wearing a little pink hat. Her big, wide dark eyes, just like her daddies, look up at me and I stare back.
I don’t get it.
I don’t get why people coo and go mad over these little human beings.
I feel nothing when I look at her. I find her fascinating in the way she’s so small and we were all this size once, but that’s as far as my curiosity goes.
After my breakdown, there is no chance of me having kids. I won’t inflict this on anyone, let alone a child of my own.
“Please, take her back,” I say, holding the baby out so she has no choice.
Her arms extend, and I shove the kid at her without harming Rayna. She’s back in her momma’s arms in no time and I release a contented breath.
“How are you doing?”
“Better each day,” I smile because it’s true.
We both look over at the brothers piling out of the bar and over to their bikes. JJ and Leo walk out last and something is amusing Leo, but JJ isn’t smiling.
“I’m not sure what’s going on, but Cas wants Leo close to him. Do you know why?”
“Why would I know?” I say, keeping information to myself. I’ve learned a lot of the guys here keep a lot of shit from their old ladies. If India doesn’t know anything than it’s probably because Leo doesn’t want her to know, and I don’t have the inclination to start a fight with my new half-brother.
“Because you work behind the bar, and you’re with JJ.”
For a moment I thought she was going to bring up Cas.
“I’m not with JJ and I haven’t been working lately, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“There isn’t any need to snap at me, Harper.”
This girl can grate on me like wildfire, and she shouldn’t. She’s my cousin, I should be able to talk to her about anything.
“I’m sorry for what I said in the hospital,” I blurt out, beginning to mend this strained relationship I seem to have caused.
“I’m sorry to Leo that I half believed you.”
JJ swings his leg over his bike and ties a bandana around the bottom half of his face. He’s memorising to watch and again, I wish he would claim me.
As the others chat and prepare to leave, JJ sits on his bike fiddling on his phone. Leo has to nudge him as he passes, and he puts his phone away and starts his bike. My phone vibrates in my pocket and my heart flutters knowing it’s from him.
One by one, led by Cas, the brothers ride out of the club and JJ and Leo ride up through the others until they are behind their fathers.
Their formation is tight and regimented and I’m already missing him, knowing he isn’t in the clubhouse somewhere.
“Have you ever been on the back of JJ’s bike?” India asks.
I shake my head and sigh. I’m probably the only woman in town who hasn’t.
“If it’s any consolation, I haven’t seen anyone else on it either.”
She’s sweet for lying to me, but as the wind picks up, she wraps the baby in her arms and she stands.
“I should get her inside, I heard we’re meant to get rain this afternoon.”
I keep my mouth shut, her basic babble dies off and not five minutes after she disappears inside, Bonnie comes out, looks around and walks over to me.
“Can I have a word?” she asks.
“Sure.”
Everyone else is, why not? Although, the thought of talking with Bonnie doesn’t fill me with anxiety.
“How are the bruises?”
No one asks specifically about the marks, it’s almost refreshing that she is now.
“They’re fading, but the memories are still as fresh as the day they happened,” I admit to her.
Bonnie was so nice to me the night I came back, she kept repeating I was safe and I believed her. I heard JJ whispering he had me, and that I was home, but when Bonnie chanted I was safe, I felt it down deep in my bones.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the sting of a slap, but you’d be surprised how often my mind still takes me back to the darkest days of my life. I’ll be doing the laundry or the dishes and the memories hit me, some days they hit hard, and some days they’re a fleeting image. Don’t be surprised, and don’t let them hurt you when they don’t go away, Harper.”
“JJ says he won’t let anything happen to me again.”
“I believe that,” she nods. “However, I found that when you believe you won’t let anything happen to you again, it makes the balance in a relationship equal.”
Raising my eyebrows, she only smiles and inhales deeply.
“It took me a long time to believe I am in charge of my own body, of my own path, that Sparky wasn’t my savoir, he was my partner. Some people are fighters and some people never have to fight for anything, we’re fighters Harper, we’re survivors and believe me sweetheart, you will survive this because I don’t think you know how not to.”
JJ’s mom is the sweetest and her taking the time to not only talk to me but to make me look at this from an angle that I can get on board with, it means the world.
“Thank you, I really needed to hear that.”
“It’s in their nature to protect us, sometimes it’s in our nature to let them, but it should be our nature to protect ourselves foremost. You’re a strong woman, Harper, don’t let anyone or anything tell you different, especially my son.”
Huh, why can’t this woman be my mom, then again, if she were I wouldn’t have been able to do all those sexy acts with her son.
“I haven’t had one clear thought in a long time and it scares me that I’ll never have one again.”
“The mind is fragile, but in time you will, time is powerful, and it does help.”
“You’re helping,” I smile.
“Good,” she smiles back.
“Any tips on how to make your son see sense?” I chuckle, not thinking she’ll actually help with him.
“Time will definitely not help you with him, the more time he has to think, the further from you he’ll go. He’s been that way since he was a boy. He’ll turn the smallest of thoughts into something so tangled and messy, even you won’t remember the original thought.”
Yeah, that sounds like him.
“Whatever happens between you and JJ, I’m always around to talk. Stay strong.”
She stands and the strength she just built up, starts to crumble.
“I don’t feel strong now.”
She frowns down at me and I feel like I’ve let her down.
“Do you want to die?”
“No.”
“Do you want to be a pawn in this world you’ve found yourself in, a world that if you get together with my son will be your world every single day?”
“No.”
“When these bruises fade, do you want them replaced with fresh ones?”
“No.”
“Then you are strong. You know what you want so you stand up for it and you don’t let anyone take from you. Take, Harper, always take what you want or someone else will and they don’t care if you wanted it or not, and yes, I’m talking about my son as well. He has too much of his father’s old ways about him and I want to see him happy with a good girl.”
She thinks I’m a good girl.
This woman is fabulous.
“I’m going to make some coffee and enjoy the quiet before the guys comes back.”
She makes it halfway across the lot when she turns, and her beauty captures me.
“My son wants it all with you, I didn’t raise him to be a blind fool but apparently that’s what
the lord wanted him to be,” she chuckles. “Always go for what you want, it’ll always make you happy.”
The wind picks up again and I tuck my hair behind my ear as Bonnie heads inside. He did admit he didn’t know how to be good for me, he needs to know I don’t want him to change himself, I just want him to choose me. I’ve wanted him from the day we came to town and I’m going to take his mother’s advice.
I’m going to take what I want.
JJ
* * *
PAST
Christmas, a time to drink, fuck, and be merry. Leo’s drunken outburst has everyone wondering what the fuck is going on, but I know India is messing him around. He should move the hell on and forget her ass. She’s at college and never fucking here anyway. Unlike her cousin, who is here and is rubbing her foot up my leg under the table. Cas is out with Leo, so as I’m not needed, I play along. Harper would be a fan-fucking-tastic gift to unwrap on Christmas morning. I would peel her clothes off and reveal her banging body with a fucking smile on my face.
I find myself missing her touch when her foot drops from my lap. I keep my eyes on her as she pushes out of her chair and leans over the table for the beer in front of me.
I can see straight down her dress, and I bite down on my tongue to stop myself from licking my lips in front of everyone.
“I got you a gift,” she tells me, taking my beer.
“Oh yeah?” I smirk, leaning forward and grabbing a cocktail stick.
“Yeah. I reckon you’ll like it.”
“Give us a clue.”
Lily is too busy letting a brother pore over her with her glass of wine that Alannah had me and Leo ride out to the next town to pick up a few days ago, and Slade is busy talking with Kristen and my mom.
India sits on her own and her chest rising and falling rapidly tells me she’d rather be anywhere but here and she’s trying her hardest to keep it together.
Oh well, she isn’t my business and whatever is going on between her and Leo is their business.
I roll my eyes back to Harper as she finishes my beer and puts the bottle down. I love how much she can drink and not fall on her ass. It makes partying with her a lot wilder. She isn’t like most girls who drink too much way too fast and then end up hurling everywhere. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Harper ill from the drink.
“Why don’t I just show you?” she grins dirtily.
God, my dick grows as she skims her finger over her cleavage and rips the front of her dress down a little as she raises her eyebrow. She has no shame and that’s what keeps pulling me back to her.
She darts out of her chair and over to the bar, the only prospect behind the bar hands her two bottles of beer and she falls into the chair next to me instead of returning to her seat.
She passes a bottle over and I gladly accept.
“You know, if you angle your body just right, I could get you off right here and no one will see…unless you want them to?”
Fuck me sideways.
I’m near enough done when her hand glides over my jeans, heading for my zipper. A huge fucking part of me wants to see how far she’ll take this, but the rational side that doesn’t want any comeback from bunking up with her gains more strength and I push her hand away.
“Never thought I’d see the day JJ pushed me away,” she chuckles, going for my zipper again.
“You wanna play, I’ll play, but not here, are you fuckin’ crazy?” I hiss, trying to keep my voice down.
“Oh, I wanna play, Jason. I wanna play real bad.”
“Then get your ass up to my room and I’ll follow you up.”
She doesn’t need to be told twice, taking her beer, she disappears out of sight and I take a quick look around. No one saw our little exchange. India is still sitting all alone and still looks like she wants to be anywhere but here. But, as upset as she looks, my best friend looks like shit too, and I’ll take Leo’s side over her any day of the week.
“Whatever you’re doing to him, stop now.”
Rolling her eyes, she turns her head to ignore me, but I don’t give a shit, I’ll raise my voice if I have to.
“What’s going on?”
“It’s none of your business, Jason. Leave me alone.”
“Fine, but whatever is going on between you has him all over the place. You should fuck off back to college if you don’t intend on fixing things with him.”
Pushing out of my chair, I push her to the back of my mind. Leo can deal with her, I have my own McCarthy to see to.
“Hey, JJ.” I stop as my foot hits the first step and turn. “Your dad wants you, he’s outside.”
“Tell him you haven’t seen me,” I tell the prospect and dash up the stairs.
What ever he wants, he can wait. I haven’t had it for a few days and I shouldn’t imagine this will take long. I can confirm this when I walk in my room and find her spread across my bed in nothing but red lacey lingerie. Her dress is pooled in a pile on the floor and her heels are by the door.
“I brought these especially for you,” she smiles, and I step forward pulling my hoodie over my head. “You could have this everyday if you make me yours.”
I can’t help the long sigh that leaves my mouth and she most definitely hears it. “Jesus Christ, JJ. What is your problem?”
“I have you already, I could have you on the daily if I hauled my ass to town every day to see you. I don’t see why I have to commit for something I already have.”
“Asshole,” she shrieks, climbing off the bed. She confuses the shit out of me when she undresses out of her bra and panties and snatches her dress off the floor and stomps her feet through the material, yanking it up, and snaps the straps on her shoulders.
“Aren’t you forgetting your underwear?” I ask her.
“I told you I brought them for you,” she shrugs, picking her heels up.
“I don’t think we should do this anymore, you’re getting too attached.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” she yells, and I know someone is going to hear her if I don’t cut this out.
“You’ll come crawling back, you always do, you fucking prick.”
“Not this time, Harps. We’re done. For real.”
“You think I’m going to let you use me and trash me? I don’t think so, Carter,” she spits, and it does more to me than it should.
“It Christmas, let’s not ruin it for everyone by losing our minds over something that isn’t real.”
“What are we then?” she asks, more softly.
Backing up, I pull my hoodie back on. I need to be fully dressed for this conversation, the last thing I need is to be half dressed if she chases me out the room. If I ruin Slade’s Christmas over his niece, I’ll be listening to his whiny ass for months.
“We are, and we were nothing but sex when I wanted something different…”
“We’re more than that,” she interrupts me, not getting it.
“You think I haven’t heard about you fucking the guys in town that prop up the bar at Josie’s? You’re like me, babe, whether you want to admit it or not, we both like sex and we don’t particularly care where we get it from.”
This silences her for a beat then her face reddens, and I can sense the shit storm that’s about to pour over me, so I carry on about to make it worse.
“Don’t bitch out on me now wanting more, we’re not those people. If I were looking to settle down, do you think I’d have you as my old lady? You’re used, and you never take no for an answer. Let’s not pretend this was ever more than getting ourselves off.”
I manage to dodge the first heel as she launches it across the room at me. The second hits me on the shoulder, and I dart around her and get to the door before she can grab anything else.
“Feel free to pick your shit up and get out, I need to lock up and get back to the party. I’m feeling all sorts of good right now and you’re not going to ruin it for me.”
I should feel bad. I could feel bad. However, I feel not
hing.
We had fun, we had a few fights and then we had more fun making up. But, like all good things, they come to an end.
I lied when I said I wouldn’t choose someone like her to make my old lady, she’s exactly who I would choose. I’m just not ready for that commitment.
PRESENT
Thirty minutes.
That’s how long we missed this guy Lim who grabbed Harper by, and now Cas has me, Zach and Ricky riding back to the club while the rest of them continue the search.
Thirty fucking minutes.
The gates open and I ride through ready to see how long I can coast along before using the brake before crashing into something. Harper is sat on a stack of crates waiting in my usual parking spot.
I slow down and remain on my bike when I come to a stop two feet from her. Lowering my bandana, my smile gets lost in the wonderment of what she has to say. She obviously wants to tell me something or she wouldn’t be waiting for me.
She waits for Zach and Ricky to walk off before she looks at me again and strangely, it doesn’t become awkward.
Once we’re alone, she jumps down off the crates and closes the distance between us. Latching her finger on the loop on the side of my cut, I find myself intensely curious as to what she’s doing.
“You want me,” she tells me.
“You know I do.”
“So, I’m going to tell you what we’re going to do about it.”
My lips stretch, and I cover her hand with mine. It’s chilly out today but her blood is running hot.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes.”
Sliding her leg over my seat, she makes herself comfortable straddling me, and I hook my hands under her thighs. My dick hardens every second she’s this close and I don’t think I can let her go ever again.
“From this moment, you’re mine and I’m yours. You’re not going to touch anyone else but me, and I’ll only touch you. You don’t have to stress about not knowing how to be in a relationship, we’ll both take it easy and one day at a time. All I need from you is to want me back, and I know you do.”
His Selfish Love: Sons of Lost Souls MC Book Two Page 16