But then we’re crashing through together, and the world seems to shatter like it was made out of glass, and we collapse, tangled in each other’s arms. We’re both breathing hard, and I slip my hand under Jenna’s chin and bring her mouth to mine.
When I pull back again, there are tears in her eyes.
A second jolt of panic strikes me. “God,” I say. “Are you okay? Did I—”
“I’m fine,” she says, shaking her head, even though the tears are leaking down her cheeks now, and I brush them away with my thumbs. “I’m better than fine. I’m so happy, it’s like—I don’t even know what to do with it.” She tries to pull away, but I gather her into my arms, and she seems to change her mind and clings to me, which is something I can never get enough of.
“Me, too,” I say. And now I’m the one who wants to turn away, which I hide by burying my face in her hair. I want to tell her things I’ve never shared with anyone, things that before this moment I would have adamantly denied. “You asked if I’ve done this before, and yeah, I mean, I’ve had sex. But I’ve never—I haven’t—I didn’t—”
Jenna smiles. “You’re not used to talking about it, that’s for sure.”
I laugh. “I never really understood before what all the fuss was about, you know? I mean, sure, it feels good, marginally better than taking care of yourself, I suppose. And it’s not like my body didn’t want it. But then after, it always just felt—”
“Empty,” Jenna says.
I nod. “Lonely.”
Her eyebrows draw together. “And kind of gross.”
I laugh. “Yes! God, I’ve always felt like such an idiot for feeling that way. Especially as a guy. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to think of casual sex as this perfect beacon, but I was never all that into it.” Even before the drugs, which is hard to admit, even to myself.
Jenna looks up, studying me. “I get it.”
Clearly she does, but I still can’t help but be skeptical. “Really?”
She nods. “All those years, all those guys I was with, the way they treated me.” She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “All the time, what I was looking for was this. You. Us. All of it.”
My heart aches, and I draw her close again. “Me, too,” I say, and I mean it, not just about the sex but about everything—the thing I was missing at Juilliard, the emptiness that pushed me into the arms of heroin herself—I was missing her. Our connection. Not that being with her somehow fixes me, but it doesn’t feel so bad being broken anymore.
The gunshots have died down, and now there’s suggestive moaning coming through Alec’s door. And I know this is petty, but I can’t help myself. “Can I ask you for something?”
“What?”
I bite my lip. “Don’t ever write a love song for me and then sing it to Alec.”
Jenna is quiet for a moment. “I don’t know how I could promise that.” She sounds apologetic. “I’ve always been singing about the story, right? So if you’re my story, then every song is about you.”
I feel warm all over, and almost like I’m floating. It takes me a minute to respond. “Okay, yeah. Never mind, then.”
“Are you sure that’s okay?” Jenna looks up at me. “It’s the opposite of what you asked for, but—”
“I know. But your kick-ass music and your beautiful voice and your awesome lyrics are somehow all about me. Am I supposed to complain about that?”
Jenna laughs. “When you put it that way.” She pauses. “Do you really like my music?”
“I do. It’s beautiful, just like you.”
She smiles. Her skin is soft and warm against mine, and we stretch out together, making as much contact as possible. She rests her head on my chest, running her hand up and down my side. Lying there with her is as incredible as making love to her, not in the least because now I’m invited to be here every night.
Which brings me to the question of the morning. I take a deep breath. “What are we going to tell Ty? Because if he knows I’m spending the night, he’s going to expect a little brother out of the deal.”
Jenna laughs. “I’ll explain that part to him.” Her fingers pause on my hip. “But I’m worried about getting his hopes up, you know? He’s kind of obsessed with this idea of you being his dad.”
She tenses, like she’s afraid how I’m going to react to that. She doesn’t need to be. “Why don’t you tell him not yet,” I say. “Not that it’ll never happen, but we’re doing this for now, and then after the tour, we’ll see.”
Jenna nods. “That’s the truth, isn’t it?”
I press my lips to the top of her head. “I know what I want. But I get not wanting to let Ty place his hopes in us while our situation is still really . . . tricky.”
She snuggles up, wrapping her arm tight around me. “I’m sorry I’m putting you through all this.”
“You don’t need to apologize.”
“I do,” she says. “My career is built on this web of lies and now you’re caught in the middle of it. The web, the lies—it didn’t seem so terrible before there was us.”
I run my nails gently over her lower back. “The way I see it, I’m the lucky one.”
She looks up at me, and now she’s the skeptical one. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I say, and I struggle to explain it. A heavy weight settles in my chest, and I begin a few sentences I don’t know how to end. “I told you I did drugs, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, when I did, there was some bad stuff that happened. Stuff that made me feel like a terrible person.”
Jenna squeezes me. “Same here.”
I nod. “And if someone had told me I’d be here with you, and we’d be talking about the possibility of someday being a family, that I’d have even a shot at something like that . . .” My breath catches. “It feels too good to be true.”
Jenna buries her face in my neck, and I wrap my arms around her, and hold her close. “I feel exactly the same way,” she says.
We squeeze each other tight, and I feel like the whole world is spinning around us, and we’re at the center, perfectly still. This goes so far beyond limerence, beyond some high to be chased. We’re in love, and it’s real, and for this moment, I let myself believe that we can withstand whatever life throws at us.
I want to tell her everything. “When I was in New York, it’s like I was chasing a dream that wasn’t mine. And then I got lost, because I didn’t know where I fit. When I was on drugs, I had someplace to belong, but then I knew I couldn’t do that anymore, and I was lost again.” It’s a partial story. A coward’s version, probably. But it’s something. It’s all I can give her right now, not in the least because I’m realizing that the longer I go without telling her, the more I have to lose.
Jenna shifts so she’s lying on top of me, bathed in the soft light of the bedside lamp. “I felt like that, too, after Rachel died. But I had Ty. I still felt lost for a long time, but one day, I was putting him to bed, and I sang to him. And it was like everything changed. I was his mother. I knew where I fit.”
“I never would have believed that everything can change like that in an instant,” I say. “Until now.”
Jenna smiles, and kisses me, and I know.
I’m going to do everything I can to make sure this lasts forever.
Twenty-two
Jenna
I wake up in this content, blissful warmth, my body snuggled up tight against Felix. His arm is around me, and I can hear the steady beat of his heart as we lie there.
There’s nothing empty or lost about waking up with him. It’s the exact opposite. Last night it was like I was finally found, like the pieces of my heart I didn’t even know were broken are knitting themselves back together. I’m happy, purely happy, in this soul-deep way I’ve never been able to fully capture in any of my dozens of songs about love.
&n
bsp; Soul mates. I don’t think I ever believed in that concept before, but I do now. There’s no other way to explain the connection we had from the very beginning, so intense, and as instinctive as my own heartbeat. No other way to explain how I fell in love so quickly, and so completely. But I did, and I know what I told him last night was true—all that time, maybe all my life, I’ve been searching for him.
For us.
I stretch out against him, so even our toes are in contact.
Felix stirs, and blinks a few times before his blue eyes settle on me. They crinkle at the sides as he smiles. His blond hair juts up at adorably crazy angles and I want to run my hands through it. Again and again.
He opens his mouth to say something, but Alec’s door opens. I hurriedly pull the sheet up higher on my body as Alec emerges from his room and ambles to the bathroom in his black silk boxers. He gives us the barest of dark looks.
“Hey,” Felix says.
“Hey,” Alec says back. And then he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.
“Well, I’d give that interaction about a four on the Gabby Scale of Extreme Awkwardness,” Felix says, and I laugh.
“Gabby requires her own personal Scale of Awkwardness?”
“She seems to think so.” He rolls over to face me. “She’s pretty sure everything awkward and embarrassing in the world happens to her, but I don’t actually think she has worse luck than anyone else.” He smiles. “She just has a funnier way of telling the stories then the rest of us.”
I link my fingers with his. “I’d love to get to know her more.” Just based on how much I liked her when we first met, that would be true enough. But I know how much Felix loves Gabby, and I could see how much she loves him back. And I want to be part of his life every bit as much as I want him to be part of mine.
“I’d like that too.” His lips quirk up. “Even if it’ll just give you both more ammunition to mock me with.”
“Mmm,” I say, leaning over and kissing him. “I think your ego could handle it.”
He chuckles and pulls me in tighter, trails his fingers lazily along my side, sending goosebumps all along my skin. “Probably. Especially after last night.”
“Yeah? Your ego feeling pretty good?” I tease.
“Everything’s feeling good,” he says, and I smile. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve never had sex like that before, so full of passion and longing and pure, incredible love. Never has it felt so real, or so right—not to mention just plain hot.
I knew he’d be good with his fingers.
My body is heating up, and all kinds of ready to try that out again, and more, but suddenly I hear the faucet turn on in the bathroom and that reminds me Alec could come out any minute.
I groan. “We’re going to have to get up and deal with him at some point, aren’t we?”
“Yeah,” Felix says, not sounding much happier about it than I am. “With him up, and Ty probably up soon, we’re heading towards way higher than a four on the awkward scale.”
As much as I want to bask in the warmth of our little haven in bed together, he’s not wrong about the awkward potential.
So we get up, and Felix searches for his clothes and I grab some fresh ones, though without a shower we both make our way downstairs looking walk-of-shame worthy. Ty’s watching cartoons like he usually does when he wakes up before me, though he excitedly abandons them to bounce around us and ask Felix millions of questions, like “why aren’t you going to have a baby?” and “are you going to sleep over every night?” and “do you think Voldemort is scarier than Darth Vader?”
Felix takes all these questions in that amazing stride of his, answering each one and the slew of follow-up questions each one requires, while I make pancakes and eggs with real maple syrup. We eat breakfast together, and then Felix clears the plates and does the dishes, like it’s a routine we have.
My heart swells at how good this all feels, how natural.
Ty takes a sip from his cup and sets it down, a little orange juice mustache on his upper lip. “So if you aren’t my real dad, what are you?”
Felix looks back at me from the sink and raises an eyebrow.
“Your mom’s boyfriend,” I say, and Felix grins at me.
But I can see it now, just like I did last night when we were playing Life, when Felix was reading to Ty before bed. The three of us, a family. I know it’s still only a hope, a possibility, but right now it feels like I’m seeing our future.
A future I want more than anything.
When I arrive at practice that afternoon—our last before our Los Angeles performance the day after tomorrow—Roxie and Leo are already there. They’re arguing about whether or not the sharp pointed heels of Leo’s boots constitute high heels and therefore turn them into women’s shoes. I stay out of it.
Felix, Alec and I all drove separately, and Felix said he had some errands to run, which gave me a chance to make the lemon meringue pie I’m bringing, and also to drop Ty off at my parents. I can only imagine the earful he’s going to be giving them about Felix staying over. I don’t worry about them keeping a secret, but undoubtedly they’re going to be concerned about me essentially moving in with a boyfriend I’ve only known a week. They trust me now, though. And I know they’ll love Felix when they see how good he is to Ty and me.
I’m more worried about sharing the news with Leo and Roxie, who may be understandably concerned about how this might affect the band. Hence, the pie—though I wait for Felix to show up, so we can tell them together.
Felix arrives just as Roxie and Leo have decided to stand hip to hip and compare the heights of their heels.
“See?” Leo says. “Your boots are taller.”
“Mine are platforms.” Roxie gyrates her hip against his. “It’s completely different.”
Felix comes down the stairs, looking like he’s trying not to laugh.
“Guys,” I say. “I need to tell you something. Can you pay attention for five minutes without grinding against each other?” I realize with some consternation that I probably sound like Alec. But really, even Felix and I weren’t that bad during band practice.
Though we did plenty of grinding last night. My body flushes all over again with the memory. It’s been doing that a lot today.
Leo and Roxie retreat to opposite sides of the room and stand behind their respective instruments.
“Grind against Leo?” Roxie says. “Ew.”
Felix looks over at me and I shake my head. I’m not sure if they’re having a fling and trying to hide it from the rest of us, or they’re just completely oblivious, but as Leo ducks his head to tune his guitar, I can see the back of his neck is bright red.
It’s now or never, I suppose.
I hold up the pastry box and two forks. “I brought you guys a pie.”
“Sweet!” Leo says. “Wait, this one isn’t for Felix, is it?”
“No,” I say. “For you and Roxie.”
Leo takes the pie and digs in with a fork, while Roxie protests and squishes up next to him on the couch to get her share.
“There’s something we need to tell you,” I say.
Leo raises his eyebrows. “Is this a band meeting?” he asks around a big bite of lemon custard. “Because Alec isn’t here yet.”
“Alec already knows.” I take a deep breath. “Felix and I are dating now.”
Roxie and Leo both take another bite of pie, and neither looks even the tiniest bit surprised. I wonder if maybe they aren’t getting the magnitude of this.
“We’re still keeping up the front for the tour,” I say. “So the official story will be that Felix is living in our guest room, because he needed a place to stay until the tour. And after that, we’ll see.” I pause, letting that note of uncertainty sink in. I can’t exactly tell them Felix and I are going to be figuring out an exit strategy at some point after the tour, s
ince I haven’t broached that with Alec yet.
My stomach twists at the thought of that conversation. But I’m going to need to have it, and soon. Even though he’s been a dick lately, he deserves plenty of warning, and a say in the story we’re going to tell.
“Right on,” Leo says, unconcerned.
I hesitate. “You’re okay with this? Really?”
Roxie points at me with her fork. “It was totally obvious you guys were into each other. Alec was right. Just do it and get it over with.”
“We’re kind of thinking of this as a long-term thing,” Felix says. He steals a glance at me, and I grin.
Hell yes, we are.
“Sweet,” Leo says. “But Roxie’s right. It was totally obvious.” He elbows her. “How stupid do they think we are? Like we can’t tell when two people are attracted to each other.”
“For real,” Roxie says. “No one is that oblivious.”
I stare at them, about to say “No one? Really?” but as soon as I open my mouth, Alec bursts into the studio.
“All right!” he says, with more enthusiasm than I’ve heard from him since our last single beat out Shawn Mendes on the pop charts. “Everyone pumped for the show?”
Roxie and Leo both whoop and quickly down a few more bites of pie, and I realize I’m staring at Alec like he’s sprouted a second head.
“Let’s play!” Alec says.
Felix and I exchange looks. Maybe our luck is finally turning. Maybe Alec’s ultimately going to be okay with all this. He can be reasonable, after all, and I know he cares about me and wants me to be happy.
Maybe we can figure out a way for all of us to end up with what we really want.
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