I was torn between easing his worry and unleashing my fury at his jab. However, my indecision ended when Jasper took a step closer and started again.
“She is only the beginning. The beam that will light everything. You will not know that warmth until she hands you the world and when she does, then you’ll feel the weight. The crippling fear a man feels when he knows he has every-fucking-thing and he is truly powerless to protect those he loves.”
Reading the situation incorrectly I stated, “Belview’s not gonna get close enough to hurt her.”
“Not worried about that idiot. Again, you called it so you know someone already has hurt her, and he did it in a way that she’s hidden for years, keeping it locked inside of her. Twice I’ve seen it come out and both times it gnawed at my insides. You dig that out, make her face it, fix what’s broken, you’ll have my eternal gratitude.”
His words weren’t a ringing endorsement that Jasper approved of me being with Addy. It was more a father who saw the wisdom in a man taking his daughter’s back when he’d just been reminded she was vulnerable. Though not what I wanted, I would take it.
“No offense, I’ll be digging that out but I won’t be doing it for your gratitude.”
“You’ll have it all the same.”
I reckoned I would.
“You need to be worried about Belview,” I circled back. “I watched the footage from the café. I was there, but until he raised his voice I was giving them space thinking Addy was on a date. Seems I missed the start of their exchange. Something she said to him made him shut down and from what she told me, I’d guess it was right about the time she mentioned you.”
“Me?” A muscle in his cheek jumped. “What about me?”
“Addy wasn’t letting him get away with his bullshit about breaking up with her because he was leaving on deployment. Further, she wasn’t buying the excuse he did it because he wasn’t in the regular Army. She reminded him she was aware of what deployment would be like and he didn’t like the reminder. Told her he remembered who you were and that you were a hard act to follow.”
The muscle in Jasper’s cheek twitched again and his brows pulled together.
“Last few days I’ve been thinking on it,” he muttered. “Why at the time when he came to talk to me I didn’t reassure him Addy was strong enough to handle the separation when I knew damn well she was. And I remembered watching him with her—I didn’t like what I saw. So much so when Wick asked my thoughts about possibly pulling Belview into the program, I told him it would be a mistake. There are men who can shoulder the burden and find healthy ways to wash the filth they experience off, some deal with it in not so healthy ways and bury it, but they do it in a way that doesn’t hurt the ones they love. Then there are those that are weak of mind and lash out because they’re too far gone to see they need help or they were too weak from the beginning. Belview was the latter. Weak of mind and spirit. Saw it on him and didn’t want that for my daughter. Or for the program.”
One could say I’d been weak and I hadn’t dealt with my shit in a healthy way.
Fuck.
“Jasper—”
“If you’re tangling that up in your mind, stop. Never once have I thought you were weak. Just the opposite.” Jasper suddenly stopped and his stare became seriously fucking frightening. “I know you’re not gonna like hearing this, but I didn’t want you for my daughter because I wanted her to have easy. And, Trey, there’s nothing easy about you. You’ve buried yourself under a mountain of guilt that’s not yours. Before you protest, I know why you feel it, I know why you let it weigh you down, and I know why you let it bury you. I know because I’d feel the same. And just like your brothers are trying to guide you to the other side, mine would be doing the same, and like you, I’d be fighting it. So I know your brothers are going to fail in their endeavor to make you see the light the same as mine did. I also know who’s gonna bring you to the other side. And honest to God, I didn’t want that for her. I wanted her to find someone who would see to what’s been eatin’ at her for the last three fucking years and put a stop to it. Something that kills me because she won’t give it to me. I’ve tried and she pulls away.”
Again the veil lifted, and pure, unadulterated pain ripped through Jasper. So much of it, I flinched. Being as Jasper was highly attuned to everyone in his presence, he didn’t miss my reaction.
“You getting it now?” he murmured. “I got no power in a situation where a man like me needs not only power but control. My baby girl is hurting and there isn’t one fucking thing I can do to stop it. And now, I’m at your mercy, praying to God you can make my girl whole. At the same time having to reconcile that you don’t give the first fuck I don’t want you near my daughter. And in saying that, I have to admit that fucking finally my girl has someone at her back that’s worthy of being there.”
A fire lit in my chest and scored through me as it burned a path straight to my soul—a burn that hurt so good I wasted no time memorizing the feel of it.
Worthy of being there.
Fucking, Christ.
“I hope you know I actually do care what you think,” I admitted. “I just love Addy more.”
Jasper’s eyelids drifted closed and when they opened, there was blatant respect. So I gave him one more thing.
“Belview had one thing right, Jasper. You’re a hard act to follow. You taught your girls what it means to be loved, how to accept that love, and how to give it in return. You also taught them not to accept anything less than what you gave them. I’m not stupid, and I have no intention of trying to fill your shoes. Those are yours, they’ll always be yours, because you’ll always hold that rightful place in Adalynn’s heart. But luckily for me, Emily taught her daughter a few things, too, so I don’t need to fill a place you’ll never vacate—she’s already made room for me. And that place is mine and mine alone to fill with all the goodness I can give her. With all of that, I hope you get what I’m saying is, she loves you. So when you’re beating yourself up about not being able to fix what’s broken in Addy, maybe remember she’s yours, and the shield you provided for her goes both ways. And this is Addy’s way of protecting you from something she knows is gonna hurt you.”
“When you’re a father it doesn’t work that way. My job is to protect her, not the other way around.”
“Right. Trying to explain to a Walker that protection is a one-way street is akin to banging your head on a rock. You didn’t raise your family to take, you raised them to give. To protect each other. To be loyal. Just last night I learned what Adalynn’s brand of loyalty and protection felt like. Warms you straight to the bone while at the same time chills your blood because it should be you shielding her. I don’t suppose it will make you sleep any easier knowing that, I just hope you understand she thinks she’s doing right by protecting you.”
“Fuck,” he muttered, and dipped his chin so he was staring at his feet.
“You have my word I’m gonna do right by her.” His head bobbed but he didn’t lift his gaze so I finished what I had to say. “I’ll leave you with this. You also have my word I’ll earn your trust, but more—I’ll earn hers.”
I got another stilted jerk of his chin, then I left him alone to his thoughts.
I didn’t go back to the gym to check on Addy. She had her mom and sisters with her. I went straight to my office, needing a moment to process my conversation with Jasper. But also needing to calm down my urge to track down the two men in Adalynn’s life that had both caused damage.
My plan was shot to hell when I entered my office and found Luke sitting at Matt’s desk. One look told me this wasn’t going to be a happy chat. He looked furious.
“What’s going on?” I asked when his gaze met mine.
“You tell me,” he returned.
Shit.
“Need you to clue me in about what you’re asking.”
I didn’t, but I was hoping I was wrong and he was there to talk about Belview or our upcoming training schedule.
“Come again.”
“You don’t need me to clue you in, but since this is how you wanna play it, we’ll play. This morning something was off. Not the first time I’ve felt it. I figured I gave you time, you’d sort it out yourself. But it’s getting worse, so now I’m seeing I need to help you do that. But just to say, it pissed me right the fuck off I gotta do it.”
And there went the kernel of good that Jasper had planted. Seeing Luke, hearing his anger, feeling the vibe in the room shift straight to bone-cold reminded me I’d ruined his life.
“Luke—”
“No. Hell no.” He stood and I braced. “Been waiting on you to pull your head out and remember.”
“Remember what?”
“Who. Remember who the fuck I am. Remember me? Your brother.”
Brother.
That one word bounced around and echoed pain-filled memories flooded.
“What?”
“For the life of me, I cannot imagine why we have to have this conversation. And it offends the fuck out of me that we do. You must’ve bumped your head really goddamn hard. So hard, it knocked all your good sense clean away. You got a problem with me?”
“What the hell are you talking about? Why would I have a problem with you?”
“You blame me for not pulling your ass back when Liberty made her call?”
Oh, fuck.
The twinge of discomfort that was always present started throbbing.
“Hell no, I don’t blame you.”
“Then why in the actual fuck do think I’d blame you?”
The bone-cold in the room seeped deeper, so deep I was afraid I’d shatter. Guilt pounded, making my head hurt and my chest ache. So many regrets wrapped up in ‘what-ifs’. Luke’s life upended because of my indecision.
“I should’ve—”
“You should’ve done what? Drake was our LPO, he was in charge. Logan was our A-LPO. And I hate to break it to you, but you were not in a position of authority over me. So what in the hell makes you think that your dumb ass could’ve ordered me to do a damn thing? Teammates. Let me repeat that for you, Trey—team…mates. Brothers. You remember what that word means, or has your family been back at you again twisting shit in your head?”
I went solid. Too damn close to the truth.
“That “brother” you have, the one that kisses your dad’s ass, treats your mom like a nursemaid and will until the day he dies is not a brother.” Luke kept at me and my lungs seized. “He used you growing up as a scapegoat and you let him in order to shield him from your dad, and I know you felt guilty for leaving him behind when you went into the Navy. But he is not worth that emotion. CJ is a man-child partly because you became the whipping boy and he never had to take responsibility for his actions. Now he’s a dick and he blames you that he’s near thirty and lives at home with mommy and daddy. News flash, it’s not your fault, and no brother—not a real fucking one—would blame his brother for bad shit that happens to him. So with that reminder, I have to ask, did you fucking forget who I am?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I stumbled behind my desk, plopped my ass in my chair, and like a pussy, wouldn’t look at the man who’d been more of a brother to me than my blood. A man I called my friend and it was an honor to do so. And lastly, a man whom I admired.
Fuck.
“Yeah, Luke, I forgot who you were,” I admitted.
“You remembering now?”
“Yep.”
“See you don’t forget again.”
And that was it. He walked to the door, exited, and the door closed behind him.
That was Luke. My brother. My teammate. Pissed as shit I’d think he blamed me. He pointed it out in true Luke-fashion. Then he’d let it be done and he’d damn well expect you to be done and move on, too. No apology needed. No other words. Just that.
Could it be that easy?
21
“Should we run away?” I asked when Trey drove out of the Triple Canopy parking lot.
“Might not be a bad idea.” He chuckled then asked, “How was your visit with your mom?”
“It went,” I answered noncommittally.
“It went?”
“Yeah, as in, it went exactly like I knew it would.”
“She give you a hard time about me?” he asked, no longer sounding amused.
As a matter of fact, he sounded disappointed.
“No. And I probably shouldn’t tell you this but she’s all for us. Us being you and me in a relationship and you and me living together.”
I turned from the windshield in time to see Trey’s brilliant smile.
“Why shouldn’t I know that?”
“Because you’ll think you have the upper hand,” I told him.
“Right.”
His smile grew, and after the day we had, I was glad for it. I shelved asking him about what my dad had said even though I really wanted to know. I wanted him smiling more.
“Anyway. My mom was further disappointed when she didn’t get to share motherly wisdom, make me see reason, and extol the virtues of a strong man, seeing as I’d already come to my own conclusions.”
“What conclusions are those?”
“Well, we’re giving this a try. You and me. And that means I’m gonna trust you even if I’m scared as heck. It’s only been a couple of days but it feels good so I’m gonna trust that, too. Mom was all fired up to help me see the light and was bummed when I told her I already saw it.”
Trey’s smile faded and my worry hit my stomach. He’d endured two days of my dad and brother giving him shit; maybe they’d made him see the light—that being I wasn’t worth all the crap they were giving him.
“Means a lot to me,” he said, his voice thick, and that worry slid clean away.
Trust. I’d promised myself I was going to trust him.
“The better part of the visit was when Mom started bossin’ Quinn about her wedding. Mom’s still salty Quinn and Brice are getting married at Uncle Clark and Aunt Reagan’s.”
“Why would your mom be mad about that? I’ve been to the house—it’s beautiful and one of the few places where all five thousand of you can get together and not have the neighbors complain about taking over the street with cars.”
He was correct. My aunt and uncle lived outside of town with no close neighbors. The only other person in the family who could host a get-together and not have people complain was Jackson and Tuesday. Tuesday had inherited her family’s sprawling mansion. It wasn’t a mini-mansion like Trey had. It was a real Southern mansion, real in the sense it had a music room, a parlor, a library, a beautiful orchard, and it even had a name, The Manor. No one complained when we got together there, mainly because the huge circular driveway had enough room for everyone to park.
“Five thousand’s a slight exaggeration, don’t you think?”
“Only a slight one, Addy. When I first met everyone, I almost asked if y’all would wear name tags.”
I felt myself smile at that. He wasn’t wrong. There were a lot of us.
“So, Mom’s not mad Quinn and Brice are getting married there. She’s mad about why and the timing of the wedding. Have you heard the story about Delaney and Carter’s wedding?”
“Just that Delaney surprised Carter.”
“Yeah, she surprised him all right.” I laughed as the memories of that day hit. “But more, Hudson surprised us.”
“Hudson? Ethan’s son?”
“Oh, yeah.” I couldn’t contain my laughter when visions of my cousin Ethan’s face came to my mind. “Get this…”
I spent the rest of the drive home telling Trey the story of how Delaney had arranged a surprise wedding for Carter on Ethan’s birthday. Then right after they exchanged their vows and Carter kissed his wife, Honor had screamed and doubled over in pain. Not wanting to miss the wedding, she hadn’t told anyone she’d gone into labor hours before. And being that her labor had started hours bef
ore when her water broke right there in the backyard, Hudson was impatient to make his appearance, and Honor had given birth in my aunt and uncle’s house, on the kitchen floor with Ethan delivering his son.
Trey gave a wave to Lenny as he drove through the gates then turned his horror-filled eyes toward me.
“Jesus.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “At the time it wasn’t funny. Now it’s hilarious. Quinn being the troublemaker of the family has set her wedding date close to Delaney’s due date hoping for a repeat performance. Mom’s not impressed. Delaney thinks it’s amusing. I don’t know how Carter feels about this, but considering his wedding day ended with him sitting behind his sister-in-law helping her push while he watched his brother out-of-his-mind with worry, I don’t think he’ll be all that fired up for what Quinn is calling Lenox V2.”
That made Trey smile.
“Never seen Carter Lenox off his game. Never seen him break a sweat. If there’s a possibility of either of those happening, I’m not missing your sister’s wedding.”
Quinn’s wedding wasn’t for seven months. Seven. That was a lot of months for Trey to be planning ahead. Of course, I hoped I got to attend my sister’s wedding on Trey’s arm, but I decided to keep that part to myself, and instead, I told him, “After Mom got done with Quinn, she turned her attention to Hadley, and get this…” I didn’t wait for him to respond, I was so excited I barely contained my urge to clap. “Hadley and Brady are getting married in two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” Trey choked out, laughing. “Not wasting any time. Good for him.”
No, Brady wasn’t wasting any more time; he’d already waited four years for my sister.
“Well, she wants seven kids and she’s not joking. It’s best they hurry up and get on that before she’s still popping them out when she’s ninety.”
“Seven?” he sputtered. “She wants seven kids?”
“Well, between you and me she doesn’t want seven kids, she wants Brady to have seven kids. The way he grew up with no family, she’s determined to give him one.”
Flawed (Triple Canopy Book 2) Page 18