“Grace has been strange recently.” Maddy Fisher trying to ease the pain. A distant act of mercy. “She’s all mixed up. You said it yourself. She’s a bit of a loner.”
“Yes.”
“At least you gave it a go.”
“Yes.”
A stinging sensation half woke someone from his half-sleep. A new shame.
“Does everyone know?”
“Only me and Cath. And Grace.”
“She’ll have fun telling everyone.”
“I don’t think so. I don’t think she … I’m sure she won’t talk about it.”
Sensitized by pain Rich heard what Maddy did not say: that his attentions to Grace shamed her. Grace would never want to be associated with a gay loser freak.
The deepest need of man is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness.
Nice try, Erich. Easier said than done. The whole wide world
is now the prison of my aloneness. I can try to leave, but where am I to go?
“Cath thought your letter was great. So did I.”
So Grace had showed it to them. They had all had a good laugh. A letter from a gay loser freak.
“It was very sweet and very funny. We both thought so.”
“But not her.”
“Grace is on her own planet.”
Like me: I’m on my own planet. We could have shared a galaxy. We could have been stars.
Cath herself now came jogging up to join them. She looked different. It took Rich a moment to understand that both girls were wearing tracksuits.
“Rich spoke to Grace,” said Maddy.
“Oh God!” said Cath, her eyes turning to Rich. “How was she?”
“Her usual bitchy self,” said Maddy.
“Grace can bitch for England,” said Cath. “You know what, Rich? You’re better off without her. It’s all about Grace for Grace. I don’t think she’s capable of loving anyone. Apart from Grace. You’re better off without her.”
“Maybe,” said Rich.
But he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear anything. Cath meant well but she had no idea. Nobody had any idea. Only him, and Grace. Of course Grace was capable of love. She had simply chosen not to love him. Why would she? What was there to love? In rejecting him, Grace had done nothing to make herself less desirable to him. Rather the opposite. It proved to him that she had high standards. Nobody likes being called a gay loser freak, but look at it from Grace’s point of view. Not a bad description. And anyway, what was he supposed to do? Stop dreaming of her love, call himself a fool, just because he was rejected? A loser, yes. His love not reciprocated, yes. But not a fool. Loving Grace was as natural as choosing light over darkness.
But now the darkness.
“Cath’s right,” said Maddy. “She wouldn’t have made you happy.”
“Or anyone else,” said Cath. “Or herself.”
“I’d like her to be happy,” said Rich.
“Oh, Rich! You would not! You’d like her to come out in fat yellow spots!”
He shook his head. They didn’t understand. No point in trying to explain.
“Look, we have to go,” said Maddy. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay. We’ll see you around.”
They jogged off together, the hoods of their tracksuits bouncing on their backs. The Oval was now deserted. Rich had lost track of day and time and had no idea where he was meant to be. Possibly he was meant to be nowhere. If so, he had arrived.
Once, a long time ago, there had been a history essay to finish. He had been on his way to the library to write about the Cold War.
He went to the library and found a place in a far corner where no one would see him. No one was looking for him. No one came. He and no one looked out of the window and thought of nothing.
At home he said to Kitty, “Grace and me have had a talk and it’s not going to work.”
“Why not?”
“We’re just too different.”
“How are you different?”
“I like her but she doesn’t like me.”
Kitty laughed. Then she became indignant.
“How can she not like you? She’d be lucky to have you. What’s the matter with her? Is she stupid?”
“Anyway, I have to fix the lights in your doll’s house.”
“What’s that got to do with Grace not liking you?”
“Nothing.”
But they both knew he wanted to help Kitty because he was so unhappy.
16
Lies about Leo
Maddy felt sorry for Rich, but she had forgotten him almost as soon as he was out of sight. Her mind was filled by the coming meeting with Joe. After school there was a play rehearsal, and Joe would be there and Gemma wouldn’t. For the first time they’d be able to exchange a few true words.
Maddy expected very little. Nothing major, like a kiss. Not even a touch. All that in good time. But to be able to speak a little more freely about what was happening between them, to look into Joe’s eyes and say, “I think about you all the time,” to feel the warmth of his answering smile: that was life to her. She longed for the moment when their eyes could meet and not have to look away.
In the changing rooms after games she and Cath whispered together about Joe. Cath was now a full partner in Maddy’s secret romance.
“Now’s your chance,” said Cath. “Gemma’s away. Now’s the time to pounce.”
“I’m not a pouncer.”
“So smolder.”
“Smolder? How do I do that?”
“You look into his eyes. You don’t say anything. You don’t smile. You just magnetize him. Then very slowly, you part your lips.”
Maddy burst into laughter.
“I can’t do that!”
“I’m not saying show your tongue or anything tarty. Just part your lips.” Cath demonstrated. “While being pretty.”
As it turned out, Maddy never had the opportunity to try, because the play rehearsal never happened. A notice went up on the main board in the Oval saying the production was cancelled “due to unforeseen circumstances.” Maddy was bitterly disappointed. Where was she to meet Joe now? She half expected him to come looking for her in the areas of the school where he would be most likely to find her, but he didn’t. So as the end of the school day approached, which was also the end of the school week, she decided to go looking for him.
His last class of the day was economics. That meant he would be in the Allen Building. From there he would either go back across the Oval, if he wanted to link up with friends, or he would cut straight across the Paddock and leave school by the Dewsbury Road gates. Without ever admitting to herself that she was doing it, Maddy had amassed a great deal of information about Joe’s school day.
Where to loiter? The only sure place was by the doors out of the Allen Building. But she had no good reason to be standing there, and it would make her intentions far too obvious. She could hang about in the Oval more or less unnoticed in the bustle of the end of the school day, but what if he went the Paddock route? Her only real option was to station herself by the gates. People often waited there for friends who were late getting out of classes or sports. The walk into town was a sociable time.
Maddy recruited Cath to wait at the gates with her. She felt less like a stalker with a friend by her side.
“What if he’s already left?” said Cath. “Or goes out by the Victoria Road gates? Or stays late to do training or something?”
“Or has a heart attack and dies?”
“Jesus!” said Cath. “What a lot there is to worry about.”
“If he doesn’t come by half-past, we’ll forget it.”
He did come. They both saw him at the same time, approaching with a crowd of friends, striding along with his loose-limbed gait, not a care in the world. Cath poked Maddy and Maddy almost squealed.
They could hear the group’s voices. They were arguing about going to a film
.
“I’m not wasting my time on that junk,” said Joe cheerfully.
“You’re such a wanker, Joe.”
They were now quite close. Joe saw Maddy.
“Maddy Fisher!” he cried. No awkwardness, no attempt to hide anything. Just that wide smile and her name on his lips.
“Oh, hi, Joe.” Very casual, very unplanned.
“So what’s up with Pablo?”
“I don’t know.”
“Looks like we’re not going to get our moment of glory.”
“And there I was, hoping a Hollywood talent scout would spot me.”
Their eyes met. His sudden intense gaze reached into her.
“Your day will come,” he said.
The band of boys was moving on past. Joe looked like he was about to follow them. Maddy made a quick decision.
“Joe,” she said. “About my sister Imo. I’ll be seeing her this evening.”
“Okay,” said Joe.
“You coming?” his friends called to him.
“Be right with you,” he called back.
“So I’ll pass on the message,” said Maddy. She could think of nothing more significant to say.
“You do that,” said Joe.
A smile and a wave, and he jogged away to catch up with his friends.
Maddy and Cath followed more slowly down Dewsbury Road, past the semi-detached houses with their neat front gardens.
“He looked like he was pleased to see you,” said Cath.
“He was strange.”
Maddy was puzzled by Joe’s behavior. He could have said so much more.
“He wasn’t strange,” said Cath. “He was covering up.”
“You think?”
“It’s too public. Anyone could see.”
“But Gemma’s away.”
“So? Hasn’t it occurred to you that his friends know Gemma? You know what boys are like. All he has to do is walk with you for thirty seconds and they’ll be all over him. ‘Ooo! Fancy a bit of Maddy, do you, Joe? Want to give her a poke, Joe?’ ”
Maddy blushed.
“They don’t talk like that.”
“Oh yes, they do. Take it from me, Mad. They only talk about one thing. And football.”
Maddy didn’t argue. Cath’s explanation pleased her because it seemed plausible, and because it meant everything was all right. And Joe had said, “Your day will come.”
Mrs. Fisher was sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by account books and invoices, tapping away at the shop laptop.
“Dad phoned,” she told Maddy as she came in. “He’s coming home next week. On Friday.”
“That’s great!”
“I have to get the accounts up to date so he can see how things are. He keeps saying there’s no need to worry.”
“That’s because you always worry, Mum.”
“Yes, I know. But sometimes there really is something to worry about. You read the papers. You know we’re in a recession.”
“Actually I don’t read the papers. Not those bits, anyway. They’re too depressing.”
“Well, it’s never been this bad before.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Maddy sat down at the table and looked sternly into her mother’s tired eyes.
“Come on, Mum. Stop frightening me. Are we going to go bust? Are we going to have to sell up?”
“I expect we’ll muddle our way through somehow. Mike keeps saying we’ll be okay.”
Maddy was relieved. She trusted her father’s business sense more than her mother’s.
“Make me a cup of tea, darling.”
“Sure.”
Maddy jumped up and filled the electric kettle.
“Not so much water. No need to boil what we don’t need.”
Maddy tipped some water down the sink and started the kettle boiling.
Imo appeared.
“Dad’s coming back,” said Maddy.
“Yes, I know. If you’re making tea, do one for me.”
“There isn’t enough water in the kettle.”
“Why not?”
“Mum’s saving money. I’m only to boil enough for one cup.”
“What’s the matter with you, Mum? Is it the menopause?”
“We have to reduce our costs somehow, darling. Business is very slow.”
“We’ll manage. We always have.”
Imo was not a worrier. Maddy felt this was unfair on their mother.
“We are supposed to be in a recession,” she said.
“Well, what does Dad say?”
Like Maddy, Imo had faith in their father.
“He’s in China,” said Mrs. Fisher.
“Yes, Mum. We do know. But presumably even though he’s in China he knows what’s going on here.”
“I think things must look very different when you’re far away. I have told him. He says it’ll all work out.”
“So there you are. Cheer up, Mum. It may never happen.”
In the past this sort of hard comfort would have enraged their mother. Now her mind was back on the accounts and she didn’t respond. Maddy felt that Imo was being insensitive.
“It’s all right for you to say don’t worry. You don’t do anything for the business. You just live off Mum and Dad.”
“So do you.”
“I’m at school.”
“I’m at college.”
“So maybe we should both be a bit more sympathetic if Mum’s worried about money.”
“She’s always worried about money. Okay, if we have less, we spend less. I’m cool with that. What do you want me to do, Maddy? Live on air?”
“Just be a bit more sympathetic.”
“I am sympathetic.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“Please, girls,” said their mother. “I’m trying to work.”
But Imo was annoyed now.
“You know your problem, Maddy? It really is time you got a boyfriend.”
“Well, I hope I do better than you when I do.”
“You’ll be lucky.”
“Oh, yes? What about Leo? He’s unstable.”
“What?”
“He’s bad news. He’s mean. He hurts girls.”
“What are you talking about?”
Maddy hadn’t meant it to come out this way, but it was done now. Imo was shocked.
“What’s Leo got to do with you? You don’t know anything about him.”
“His brother does.”
“Joe?”
“Yes, Joe.”
“Joe’s been telling you all this crap about Leo?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“So don’t believe me. I don’t care. He only told me to help you.”
Imo stared at her, shaking with anger. But she wanted to know the details.
“So what did Joe say?”
“He said Leo’s unstable and mean and likes hurting girls.”
“That’s just bollocks.”
“All right. It’s bollocks. You know best.”
“Keep out,” said Imo. “Just keep out of my affairs. Get a life of your own.”
She stormed upstairs to her room. Maddy stayed in the kitchen, her heart pounding, almost as agitated as Imo. She knew she had done it in the wrong way at the wrong time, but Imo always had that effect on her.
Their mother seemed to have taken in none of it, beyond the disturbance to her work. “I wish you wouldn’t argue in the kitchen, Maddy.”
“Well, why do you do the accounts in the kitchen, Mum?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said her mother. “I feel nothing can really go too wrong in the kitchen.”
Maddy had no answer to that because she felt it too.
“Is it okay if I have something to eat?”
“Help yourself, darling.”
She made herself a bowl of golden syrup oats. She had just settled down to eat it when Imo reappeared.
“I phoned Leo,” she said.
“It’s all lies.”
“He says Joe’s lying?”
“No, of course not. He says you’re lying. He says Joe would never say things like that about him.”
“I’m lying?” Maddy was too stupefied to protest.
“He says you’re probably hormonal and need a good seeing to.”
Maddy flushed red with shame and rage.
“That’s enough, Imo,” said Mrs. Fisher.
“Tell Maddy to stop spreading lies about my boyfriends, then.”
“I was trying to help you.”
“I don’t see how making up lies helps me.”
“Joe emailed me. It’s all in his emails. I can show you.”
“No thanks. I’ve got better things to do.”
She departed again.
Maddy felt like bursting into tears.
“She’ll have forgotten it all tomorrow,” said her mother. “You know what Imo’s like. She’s like Dad, they only think about what’s in front of them at the time. It’s the source of their strength, really.”
“What are you talking about, Mum?”
“Well, I do worry rather about things that haven’t happened yet. Mike never does.”
“If you ask me Imo’s just totally self-centered.”
It struck Maddy then that Leo would get on to Joe and demand to know why Joe had been telling tales about him. Joe must be warned. She hurried up to her room and sent an email.
I told Imo what you said about Leo and she doesn’t believe me. She phoned Leo. He says it’s all lies. Thought you should know. Hope I haven’t landed you in a mess.
She sat by the laptop waiting for Joe to reply, but no reply came. Then she remembered he was going out to see a film with his friends. She went back to the kitchen and found the local newspaper. Most of the early evening showings ended just before eight o’clock. Afterwards Joe would most likely have a curry with his friends, or go to a pub. He wouldn’t get home to check his emails till ten or later. He might not even get her message until tomorrow.
Maddy couldn’t wait until tomorrow. She needed to know that Joe was with her against Imo and Leo. She wanted him to tell her it wasn’t her fault. She wanted contact.
I could always go to the cinema.
The thought jumped into her head. She knew where he was, and roughly when he was coming out. If she wanted to she could be there. She could take him aside. They could have a few brief words.
She wanted to.
Rich and Mad Page 11