That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? Or at least, the ten thousand dollar question. I didn’t want to show my cards just yet, though. For some reason, I knew that if I dangled the idea of getting out on bail, she’d just tell me what I wanted to hear. Not the truth. “Lex once told me a story about how his grandmother tried to get him to go to rehab and instead of going, he stole her wallet and ran off with the cash.”
Her jaw hardened and she let out a humorless laugh. “Now that sounds like the Lex I know.”
My teeth gnashed together. “That’s the thing… that’s not the Lex I know. Not by a long shot. After he told me that story, he said, ‘you can’t help an addict who isn’t ready to get help.’”
“True,” she said, leaning back in the chair and folding her arms.
“I guess I want to know… are you? Ready to get help?”
She sat there for several minutes in silence… but I didn’t press. I wanted her honest answer.
“He’s really changed, hasn’t he?” she finally asked.
I nodded. “He has. I mean… I don’t know who he was back when you were together. But from the stories I’ve heard? I don’t think I’d even recognize that Lex.”
She wet her lips, her gaze dropping from mine for the first time since she sat down. “I don’t want to make a promise I can’t keep,” she said quietly. “Being in here for a few weeks, I’m finally detoxed and… in some ways, it feels great. And in other ways, all I want to do is go find some fucking pills to pop.” She sighed and lifted her eyes once more to mine. “Yeah, I want to stay clean… but really, I just want it to be not so fucking hard. So painful every minute of every day.”
If she’d simply said yes, she was ready to get help… I’m not sure that I would have bought that she was telling me the truth. But there was a tragic melancholy in her voice. In her words. And I believed her. “I can’t really speak from experience, but… I imagine it gets easier with time. Less painful to make that choice to stay sober.” At least, Lex didn’t seem to be in pain… but was he? It made my heart hurt to think of him going through this and feeling like he couldn’t confide in me about how hard it was. “How long have you stayed sober in the past?”
She snorted and shook her head. “You don’t want to know.”
“I do. I really do.”
She paused. “Two months.”
Two months? That’s it? I tried to temper my expression, but I was certain I was failing wildly. “What do you think is different about this time?”
“I want to get this shit under control before Liv starts remembering. I don’t want her childhood memories to include finding me shooting up in the bathtub on Christmas morning.”
I winced at her words, and after a deep breath, I pressed my palms into the table and stood. “Okay, then.”
“Okay, then, what?”
“Okay, then… I’m going to go post your bail.”
35
Lex
That morning, I kept the baby monitor clipped to my hip and headed down to the bakery at four o’clock. Mr. Murphy probably would have freaked out at the thought of me leaving Olivia alone in the apartment, but honestly? What I was doing was no different from people who have a two-story home going downstairs to make breakfast while their kids are still asleep upstairs. And as Mrs. Murphy said… I’m the parent here. These things are my call, and I need to find a way of living as both a full-time baker and a full-time dad.
After I finished my baking, I grabbed the baby from upstairs, strapped her to my chest and got the bakery open and through the morning rush. Around nine o’clock, I made sure Seth was set up and good to go before I packed up Olivia’s things and drove the hour north to drop her off at the Murphys. Then I headed to county jail.
I wanted to talk with Sarah alone.
Yes, I had things to answer for. But so did she. And if we were going to be proper parents to our child, we needed this dirty laundry to be aired out. Maybe Ronnie was right. I had to find a balance with Sarah, supportive and fair… but also tough.
I was brought inside the jail and into a room where several inmates were seated at circular tables, chatting with family and friends.
Sarah was escorted to my table in an orange jumpsuit that, up until this moment, I’d thought was only used in movies. She looked… rough. Her eyes were red. Her skin looked raw, yet ashen. Her blond hair was stringy and pulled into a messy ponytail. “I’m pretty popular today,” she said as way of greeting me.
I gave her a weak smile, which was only met with a hardened scowl. “Lots of visitors?” I asked.
“Something like that.”
I looked her over, and even though she looked rough, she also looked better than she did years ago when we were together. I widened my smile. “Detox is a bitch, huh?”
She sighed and dropped into the chair across from me. “I’m through the worst of it.”
She wasn’t through the worst of it, though. Not by a long shot. Just wait until she woke up at two in the morning itching for a fix, willing to do just about anything to get it.
She crossed her arms, and from behind her pursed lips, she ran her tongue across her teeth. “So? You here to convince me what a changed man you are?”
“Not quite.” I shook my head. “I’m here to say I’m sorry.”
Her chapped lips parted, but no words came out.
“I’m sorry, Sarah.” I took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that threatened my eyes. “Being an addict is selfish. We are some of the most selfish people on Earth. We steal from friends, use our family, and do all kinds of despicable things in order to get our next fix.”
Her jaw snapped shut, and folded her arms. “Go on,” she said, inclining her chin.
“The day you came and told me you were pregnant with Olivia, my response was awful. Shameful. I’m so sorry. If I were you, I would've also run away and never looked back. I can see why you don’t want me anywhere near our daughter after that last impression you had of me.”
I leaned forward, looking her dead in the eye. “But I need you to know how much I’ve changed. A couple of months after you left, I went to rehab. I got clean, and more importantly, I stayed clean. Nineteen months and counting so far.” I tugged my sobriety chip out of my pocket and slid it across the table to her. “And I’ve been searching since then, trying to find you, hoping to apologize. Hoping to beg you for forgiveness. It never even occurred to me that you would still be using and in trouble. You were so determined to stay clean during the pregnancy.”
She swallowed, and the tears in her eyes didn’t escape me. “That only lasted a couple of months,” she admitted what her parents had already told me. “It’s a wonder that Olivia came out somewhat healthy… her vision aside.”
“You feel bad for that?” I asked, but it wasn’t really a question. It was evident she felt bad.
Sarah nodded, all the same. “I feel terrible. I hate that I fucked up that bad while pregnant.” Her voice was raspy.
“We got lucky that it wasn’t more serious. Olivia is sweet and smart and beautiful.”
I paused, pouring myself a glass of water from the plastic pitcher on the table in front of us. “I’m a good dad. Or at least, as good of a dad as I can be for not having a lot of practice yet. I love Olivia. I’m getting routine drug tests done to prove to your parents that I’m sober and plan on staying sober. I own my own business—”
“What’s your point, Lex?”
“My point is… if I can be a good dad… then you can be a good mom. I believe in you, Sarah. I believe you can get sober and stay sober this time.”
She snorted and shook her head. “Yeah, right. You don’t really believe in me. You just want me off your back.”
“I do believe in you. Don’t you want time alone with Olivia? Not supervised visits with your parents or me.” She blinked, looking up at me, her arm stretched over the back of the chair. I recognized her stance. It was the one she usually assumed when she wanted to look like she didn’t
care. But she did. I knew she did.
“You could live in Maple Grove. The cost of living there is affordable. You could even work with me in the bakery or use your time in here to take some classes. If you agree to the routine drug tests and can prove yourself reliable…”
“To who? To you?”
I shrugged. “To me. But mostly to your parents.”
She hissed and shook her head. “They’ll never agree to that.”
“They did for me.”
“You’re not their fuck-up of a daughter who’s disappointed them more times than they can count.”
“Nope. I’m the guy who knocked up their fuck-up daughter. Trust me… they don’t want to like me. Especially your dad. But I’ve won over your mom. And your dad… well, he’s coming around. They will with you, too. You’ve just got to give them a reason to come around.”
“You say you believe in me, but you want me to pee in a cup weekly? That doesn’t sound like you believe in me at all.”
I sighed. I didn’t expect this visit to go easy. “I do believe in you. The test is just the proof that we were all correct to believe in you. And this is our daughter’s well-being we’re talking about here. I’m peeing in a cup monthly to prove to your parents that I’m sober. It’s the least I can do. Especially if I have nothing to hide.”
She scuffed her foot against the vinyl tile floor. “I’ve never stayed clean for more than two months,” she muttered. “I doubt that’ll change now.”
“Not even for this face?” I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of Olivia eating a bowl of peas. Mashed green goo was all over her face and hands, and she beamed at the camera.
Sarah barked a laugh, leaning in to look more closely at the photo. “Oh, God. She’s a little ham.”
“I think she gets that from you,” I laughed. “That desire to be in the spotlight.”
“Yeah, but her shyness outside of the spotlight? That’s all you.”
I snorted. “Like hell. I’m not shy.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah right. When you first meet people, you hide behind whoever you came in with.”
I grinned. “Okay, maybe I’m a little shy. At first.”
Sarah was silent for a few moments, drumming her fingers across the table. “You got any more photos of Liv?”
I thought she’d never ask. I pulled the stack of printed 4x6 images from my messenger bag and slid them across the table. “Hundreds,” I said. “Literally. Thanks to that private investigator you hired. You can call him off now, Sarah. I paid him off, but chances are, he’ll come to you looking for more money to override my payoff.”
Her shrewd gaze fell on me, her jaw clenching. After a moment, she glanced down, looking through the pictures and smiling. “She looks happy with you.”
“She is happy with me. She called me Dada the other day. And she still sees your parents several times a week. I’m not trying to take her away from them… or you. I just want to be part of her life in a way that doesn’t cause fights or strife.”
Sarah sighed and fanned herself with the pictures. “Some of these look bad, you know.”
I nodded. “I know. They’re not bad… and you can see that from the other photos surrounding them. But as just a one-shot image? Yeah, some of them aren’t ideal.”
She slid the photos back over to me, but I stopped her. “They’re your photos. Do with them what you wish. Just know that I have copies of all of them as well and a lawyer on retainer right now. I could fight you if you use them against me… and maybe win.” I shrugged. “But I don’t want to fight you. That’s not the relationship I want with the mother of my child.” I paused and for a moment. Sarah looked like she was softening. “C’mon Sarah. I have the bail money, and as long as you make it to your trial in a couple of weeks, I’ll get it all back—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head and wiping a tear away. “I already told your girlfriend no, too. And it’s the same answer for my parents. Don’t let them take out the stupid second mortgage on their house for me.”
I jerked back like I’d been struck. “Wait… what? My girlfriend—”
“Yeah, Ronnie was just in here. You missed her by like ten minutes.”
I suddenly felt like I was in a dream. “Ronnie was here?” Was Sarah high now? She didn’t seem high, but that couldn’t be true—
“Dude, am I stuttering? Yes, she was here. She came by to tell me about the time you stole your grandmother’s wallet and ask me if I really wanted to get help this time.”
I felt speechless. “And what’d you say?”
“Of course I want to stay sober. But I don’t trust myself… not yet. Hell, I couldn’t do it when I was pregnant, why would now be any different? Ronnie offered to put up my bail money and pay for me to go to some rehab facility outside Maple Grove.”
“She did that?”
Sarah nodded. “She’s tough as shit, but sweet. I like her… she’ll make a good stepmom for Liv.”
I chuckled and suddenly wanted to get the hell out of this jail as fast as possible to find her. “Why’d you say no to bail?”
“I know it seems crazy to want to stay in jail… but, in here? I get good medical care. And it’s free. I go to group therapy, we have NA meetings in here daily. And there’s less temptations than when I’m out in the world. Getting drugs in here is scary and dangerous and it’s just… this is weird, I know, but it’s a little like rehab anyway and no one has to go into debt for it. For me.”
“But… you’d be more comfortable at home, wouldn’t you? Or in a rehab—”
“That’s the point. Maybe I shouldn’t be comfortable right now. You hit the nail on the head, Lex. Addicts are the most selfish people in the world. And I’m tired of being selfish. I’ll be fine in here. It’s only for a couple more weeks until my trial, and my lawyer thinks I’ll get a year jail time with some time served and community service.” She paused, looking me in the eye. “I’ll be okay in here for that time. I can stay clean in here, I know it.” She pointed her chin to the window. “It’s out there I’m afraid of.”
I nodded, completely understanding what she meant. Temptations are constant out there. Even in rehab, in most cases you can just check yourself out whenever you want. “Will you consider coming to stay in Maple Grove after? I have a sponsor lined up for you. We can find a cheap place for you to stay—”
“I’ll think about it. But for now… go home. Take care of our daughter. And marry that girl before she moves on from your dumb ass.”
I laughed at that, and she slid the photos back over to me. “And take these with you. I don’t need them.”
I nodded, taking the stack of photos and handing her the one of Olivia covered in peas and a few of the happier ones of Olivia smiling. “Keep these. As a reminder of why you’re going through this pain.”
Sarah nodded and sniffed, swiping her eyes with her sleeve. “I’ll, um, I’ll do my best to stay clean.” She ran her finger down Olivia’s face, stopping at her smile. “If there was ever a reason, this face would be it, right?”
I smiled. “I can’t imagine a better reason.”
36
Lex
“Okay, I’m sorry, explain this to me again?”
I heard Ronnie’s voice carrying through the waiting room area of the county jail.
How had I missed her earlier when I was walking in? Maybe she was in the bathroom. She looked pale… a little sweaty. Maybe she was sick?
“So… I need to go to the post office and get a cashier’s check for the ten thousand dollars? Then bring it back here, and you give me a receipt to use to get reimbursed when Sarah comes in for her trial.”
“If,” the guard behind the plexi-glass corrected her. “If she comes in for her trial. And yes, that’s correct. We can’t take personal checks. Too much risk of them bouncing or being fraudulent.”
“Right,” Ronnie exhaled. “Of course. I’ve seen enough cop shows. I should know that by now.”
“Ronnie,
” I said, softly.
Her muscles visibly tightened and she spun to face me, breathlessly panting and glancing around. “Lex? I thought… I thought you weren’t coming until later with the Murphys.”
I shrugged, smiling. “Change of plans. They’re going to bring Olivia to see Sarah after lunch and keep her for the night. I think they missed not having her yesterday.”
Ronnie exhaled and rushed toward me, completely forgetting about the conversation she’d been in with the cop behind her. I caught her in my arms, tucking her against my body and kissing her hard.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean what I said yesterday.”
I looked down at her, tears filling my eyes. “Yes, you did,” I whispered. “And that’s okay. It occurred to me… you’ve never known me as anything other than this Lex.” I gestured at myself. “The clean, sober small business owner who loves you.”
She looked up at me as a single tear dropped from her bottom lashes. “I’m still so sorry. I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you because of your past.”
“I know that’s not the case.” I took a deep breath. “And I don’t fault the people who no longer trust me, like my parents. My grandmother. I made that bed and I have to lie in it. I just hope they can give me another chance someday.”
Ronnie nodded, pushing onto her toes and kissing me again. “That’s the chance I want to give Sarah. I just have to go to the post office and get a cashier’s check—”
I shook my head, cutting Ronnie off. “That is the nicest thing, Ronnie. But Sarah doesn’t want to be let out of jail.”
Ronnie rolled her eyes. “I know she says that now, but that’s crazy. She’s just being stubborn.”
“She’s not just being stubborn. She made some really good points to me in there and she made them soberly. I think we should honor her wishes.”
Ronnie stood quietly for a moment before rolling her shoulders back and giving a single resolute nod. “Okay. But when she’s released after doing her time? We’ll be there for her.”
Sweet on You Page 27