by Ian Doescher
farewell
To Aaron, who shall hate me when ’tis done.
[To Sir Duvall:] I do beseech ye, Sir Duvall: ’twas I.
The book was writ by my deceitful hand.
DUVALL My disappointment knows no bound or limit.
Come, Cady, we must take thee hence away,
Brave punishments I shall devise for thee.
[Exeunt Cady, Sir Duvall, and policemen.
AARON [aside:] So sweet was ne’er so fatal. I must weep,
But they’re cruel tears: this sorrow’s heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. O, Cady dear,
Thou ever wert so generous and kind,
Yet can it be that thou didst instigate
The atmosphere of hatefulness that hath,
These many days, been plaguing North Shore High?
Thine actions are a tribute to thy spite—
Confession, though, hath help’d thee walk aright.
[Exeunt Aaron and other students.
SCENE 2
At the George residence, North Shore High School, and the Mathletes competition.
Enter CADY HERON, holding flowers. Enter REGINA GEORGE in bed wearing a neck brace, LADY GEORGE, and several FRIENDS surrounding REGINA, aside.
CADY Though angry at Regina, ne’ertheless,
Beginning of my penitence is she—
Let this reveal how my remorse persisted.
[Cady enters Regina’s room and hands her flowers.
REGINA Though I am hurt, I do accept thy gift,
And thy profound apologies withal.
[Exeunt Regina, Lady George, and friends. Cady walks to school.
CADY When one is bitten by a vicious snake,
The poison must at once extracted be.
So I must suck the poison from my life.
The gathering of friends around Regina
Doth prove the more that folk are scar’d of thee,
The more delug’d in flowers shalt thou be.
The bigger task is Madam Norbury,
Who proves that no good deed unpunish’d is.
Enter MADAM NORBURY, AARON SAMUELS, KEVIN GNAPOOR, and other STUDENTS in math class.
NORBURY Miss Heron, how delightful to see thee.
I have a vent’rous fairy that shall seek
The dealer’s hoard and fetch thee some new drugs.
CADY I have completed my examination.
NORBURY Stay thou a moment, I shall grade it now.
[Madam Norbury begins grading the test. Aaron stands aside, listening.
Methinks that watching whilst my house was search’d
By constables from ev’ry precinct near
Did serve as perfect cherry on the top
Of tasteless cake that is this blessèd year.
Art thou in trouble grave for telling true,
Confessing to the Burn Book thou didst write?
CADY ’Twas trouble most severe.
NORBURY —I know one thing:
Thou hast not author’d ev’ry word alone.
Didst thou tell Sir Duvall the other names,
Coauthors and accomplices of thine?
CADY Nay, Madam Norbury, for I explore
New paths by which I may comport myself—
No more to speak of folk behind their backs.
[Aaron comes forward.
AARON Indeed, for to be stricken by a bus
Is punishment enow for knavery.
NORBURY Thy grade is ninety-four, familiar soul.
AARON Nerd, thou art welcome back to math with us.
CADY My thanks. [To Madam Norbury:] To you, wise
Madam Norbury,
I make apology with humblest heart.
NORBURY Thou art forgiven. Yet, as punishment,
I have decided how thou shalt secure
The extra credit thou so deeply wanted.
[Kevin comes forward. Exeunt Madam Norbury, Aaron, and all students except Cady and Kevin.
KEVIN Behold, young Africa, together we
Shall plot coordinates of a success.
Here is thy tunic—thou art Mathlete proud,
And in our competition shall serve well.
The bank of students who contend this year
Shall prove most excellent combatants, yet
Will never match the prowess of our team.
Enter TIM PAK and other STUDENTS on the North Shore Mathlete team. They venture to the Mathlete competition. Enter the MARYMOUNT MATHLETE TEAM, the HOST, and a few SPECTATORS.
NORBURY Good team, in all your skill do I believe—
Go forward into battle proudly, troops.
KEVIN Ye whoresons, Marymount! Ye shall be crush’d!
By any angle we shall dominate.
NORBURY [to Cady:] Art thou chock-full of nerves?
CADY —Indeed I am.
NORBURY Be not concern’d, I’ll wager thou shalt thrive.
Naught is there to disrupt thy focus here—
Not one among those lads of Marymount
Could be describ’d as cute or fair or handsome.
HOST Good evening, gentleladies, gentlemen.
Ye are most welcome to the Illinois
State Mathlete High School Championship.
AUDIENCE —Huzzah!
HOST The competition shall begin with this
First question of this thrilling evening: twice
The larger of two numbers is three more
That five times that which smaller is. The sum
Of four times that which larger is and three
Times of the smaller comes to sev’nty-one.
What are the numbers which we seek herein?
[A buzzer sounds.
North Shore, have ye solv’d it?
KEVIN —Fourteen and five.
HOST Correct. Proceed we unto question two.
An odd three-digit number ye must find
Whose digits add up to the number twelve.
Each digit shall be diff’rent from the next—
The difference betwixt the first two digits
Is equal to the difference betwixt—
[A buzzer sounds.
Now Marymount, ye have the answer found?
MARY. 1 ’Tis seven hundred forty-one. Is’t not?
HOST Correct.
CADY [aside:] —Fie, I am rusty at my math.
Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON above, on balcony.
LADY H. Hast thou seen Cady?
SIR H. —She departed hence.
LADY H. Didst thou not ground her? Was it not thy word?
SIR H. Is this how grounding works? I do not know—
She never once in Africa was grounded.
’Tis practic’ly a foreign concept, dear.
[Aside:] Are all ye groundlings grounded? Is that it?
LADY H. At times, thy senselessness confoundeth me!
[Exeunt Lady Heron and Sir Heron.
CADY [aside:] The competition doth go on and on—
In troth, far longer than a play will bear.
The globe of mathematics spinneth ’round—
The stage is set to see the final match.
HOST Full eighty-seven minutes have expir’d,
And just as an equation ends with equals
Our competition draweth to a tie.
This tie doth bring a round of sudden death.
Each team shall choose whom, from the other side,
They shall confront as their opponent final.
North Shore: whom dost thou choose from
Marymount?
KEVIN We shall select the lass, contestant Krafft.
HOST From Marymount, Miss Caroline of Krafft.
MARY. 1 We, too, shall choose the lass, of minds the least.
HOST From North Shore High, Miss Caddy Heron ’tis.
CADY Fie, Cady ’tis—shall no one speak it right?
Alas, the words do strike me suddenly—
’Tis I who must my North Shore represent.
> KEVIN All confidence have I in thee, smart Afric—
The mathematics and the metaphysics,
Fall to them as thou find’st thy stomach serves thee.
[Cady and Caroline take center stage, facing off against each other.
CADY [aside:] This Caroline of Krafft hath eyebrows full—
Full like the mane upon a horse’s neck.
My pluck I show by thinking she should pluck!
Her outfit—hath it come from Sunday school?
Old-fashion’d an ’twere chosen by the blind.
Her cheap lip gloss hides not her snaggletooth,
Which lurks, like shark behind a rock, to strike.
Alas—what am I doing? Why these thoughts?
Too much do I abuse this Car’line Krafft!
My slander shall not stop her beating me—
In faith, distraction may yet be my downfall.
HOST You two contestants, find the limit of
This math equation I shall show to ye.
[An equation appears on a screen.
CADY [aside:] To call a person fat makes one not thinner,
To call a person dumb makes one not smarter,
To hurt Regina gave me no delight—
One must but solve the problem ’fore one’s eyes,
Each day has trouble plenty of its own.
[A buzzer sounds.
CAROLINE The limit! It is negative one, yea?
CADY [aside:] Alas! She hath the answer. I have lost.
HOST Nay, ’tis not so. The answer’s incorrect.
We are, I do repeat, in sudden death—
If now Miss Heron can the answer give,
It shall be North Shore High School that prevails.
CADY [aside:] By limits wherefore am I limited?
How doth the information ’scape my mind?
A-ha! ’Twas on the day when Aaron’s hair
Was newly shorn, an ’twere a new-plough’d field.
How handsome was he then! Yet, Cady, focus—
What was upon the board past Aaron’s head?
If limits ne’er approach to anything,
The limits, then, do not exist. ’Tis it!
[To host:] The limit, then, doth not exist!
HOST —Correct.
Our new state champions, the North Shore Mathletes!
[Cady and Caroline shake hands.
KEVIN What of it, Marymount? You have been topp’d!
Our sum is greater than our single parts!
How like ye now the Kevin of North Shore?
I prithee get some Kevin while he lasts!
[Exeunt Marymount students, Host, and audience. Cady, Kevin, and other North Shore Mathletes don their new doublets.
TIM Thou chos’st the leather sleeves—the finest cut!
KEVIN Thou didst it, Afric—thou solution perfect!
CADY My thanks.
[Kevin hands Madam Norbury a doublet.
NORBURY —K. G., thou hast my gratitude.
KEVIN Imagine, then, how well we all shall look
When, straighter than a keen hypotenuse,
We roll to Fling of Spring with doublets new!
CADY Alas, I may not go.
TIM —What dost thou mean?
KEVIN This is thy night, good Cady—thou deserv’st it.
Thy reputation may be variable,
Yet let thou not the haters win the day
Or stop thee from expressing thy good thang.
CADY Didst thou say thang? What is this thang, I pray?
NORBURY Nay, do not reprimand thyself fore’er.
CADY I grounded am.
NORBURY —Thou art already out;
No grounding can thine aspiration flout.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 3
At North Shore High School.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, dressing for the Fling of Spring, with LADY GEORGE.
LADY G. Your face, my daughter, is a book where men
May read strange matters. To beguile the time,
Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye,
Your hand, your tongue: look like the inn’cent flower,
But be the serpent under it. So shalt
Thou be the Fling of Spring queen as thou shouldst.
REGINA I am as regal as befits a queen,
Though crown’d by neck brace rather than pure gold.
Be gentle, Mother, ere thou hurt’st me more.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS, aside, dressing for the Fling of Spring.
GRETCHEN This hair, this dress, this necklace—each piece shall
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
For such disguise as haply shall become
The form of my intent. I shall succeed—
Plain Gretchen by the day, by night a queen.
Enter KAREN SMITH, aside, dressing for the Fling of Spring in front of a mirror.
KAREN A perfect K form’d on my perfect chest,
Of diamonds made, in sparkling glory shines.
I strive not to be queen of Fling of Spring—
It is an honor that I dream not of—
Yet I shall be a faithful courtesan.
[Karen turns from the mirror, revealing that the K is backward.
Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN, dressing for the Fling of Spring.
DAMIAN Tuxedos made of purple cloth are ours—
Imperial in hue, like Rome of old.
JANIS We two, like twins, shall grace the Fling of Spring—
Thou Romulus, I Remus, we shall reign.
[Regina, Lady George, Gretchen, Karen, Janis, and Damian converge at Fling of Spring.
Enter AARON SAMUELS, SHANE OMAN, SIR DUVALL, and many other STUDENTS and TEACHERS at the Fling of Spring.
DAMIAN Forget not, ev’ryone, to cast your votes
For who’ll be queen and king of Fling of Spring!
The dismal court of popularity
Shall represent ye for the coming year.
It is your civic duty, by my troth!
STUD. 25 Methinks I shall vote for Regina George,
Who was unfairly wallop’d by a bus.
STUD. 26 Yet Cady Heron is my ballot’s choice,
For she did push Regina valiantly.
SHANE Come, sweet Regina, let us stand and pose
To make a portrait for posterity.
[Regina and Shane pose to have their photograph taken.
LADY G. [aside:] A moment pure, a couple purer still!
I cannot help but in the background stand,
That I may take my place in history.
Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON. They approach SIR DUVALL.
LADY H. Have you seen Cady Heron, Sir Duvall?
She should be grounded, but my doltish husband
Releas’d her from our presence by mistake.
SIR H. I did not know! Do you know “grounding,” sir?
DUVALL Young Cady is not here; I’ve seen her not.
Behold! She cometh with the Mathlete team.
Enter CADY HERON, MADAM NORBURY, KEVIN GNAPOOR, TIM PAK, and other Mathlete STUDENTS. SIR DUVALL mounts the stage.
[To all:] Now ’tis the time to gather nominees
For queen and king of Fling of Spring on stage.
[Regina, Janis, Gretchen, Shane, and three other lads join Sir Duvall on the stage.
Ere I announce, hear this: you all are winners,
E’en ye who lose are winners in your hearts.
I could not gladder be that this year endeth,
And with it all the challenges therein.
Now to the prize: the Fling of Spring king is
Shane Oman.
[All applaud.
SHANE —Ha! My proper recompense!
For sans a doubt I am most kingly, yea,
King of all I survey throughout the school!
LADY H. I’ll signal Cady—she must hither come
And face our wrath for not remaining grounded.
DUVALL Your Fling of Spring queen
—future cochair of
The board of student-led activities,
And winner of two gift certificates
Unto the Walker Brothers Pancake House—
Is Cady Heron.
LADY H. —What? My precious lass?
[All applaud.
DUVALL Where, then, is Cady? I did spy her once.
Ah, now I see her. Join me on the stage.
[Cady mounts the stage. Sir Duvall places a crown on her head.
CADY You have my thanks—this meaneth much to me,
You have my disbelief and wonder, too.
DUVALL ’Tis not requir’d that thou shalt speechify.
CADY I am near finish’d, sir, you have my word.
Half of the students in this room are angry—
Upset at me and all the things I’ve done.
The other only like me for the rumor
That I push’d someone in a busly path.
In neither case doth this sit well with me.
To all the people who were damag’d by
The Burn Book and its contents horrible,
I am so sorry—more than you can know.
[Cady removes her crown.
Ne’er in my life have I attended such
A fanciful event as Fling of Spring.
When I bethink me how this honor was
Desir’d and treasur’d by so many here,
How many tears were spill’d o’er what it means,
I wholly am bereft. For look around,
How lucky we are to be alive right now—
Each person here is dress’d like royalty.
See Jessica Lopez, with dress astounding—
Of orange hue, amazing to observe.
Good Emma Gerber there, thy hair is fine,
Undoubtedly it took thee hours to style
And thou dost brighter shine than ev’ry star.
Why are we, then, distress’d about this token?
It is mere plastic, which doth eas’ly break.
[Cady breaks her crown into pieces.
DAMIAN Alas, to see it break doth rend my heart!
CADY What if we shar’d the honor, all of us?
[Cady begins throwing pieces of the crown to others.
A piece for Gretchen Wieners, earnest lass,
A partial queen of Fling of Spring most charming.
A piece for Janis Ian, friend most true.
DUVALL Most people take the crown and leave the stage.
CADY A piece, as well, for our Regina George,
Who spine was fractur’d, yet she gloweth still.
More, too, for all the other lasses here—
Each one of you a spirit beautiful.
[All applaud as Cady continues throwing pieces of the crown.
LADY H. [aside:] How can a mother’s angriness endure