by C. R. Jane
“Give me everything,” he whispers.
Everything. His control slips, and he rises above me, spreading my legs. Using my knees for leverage, he forces my thighs as far apart as they’ll go, and seats himself inside. I shriek at the sensation. He sinks his fingers into my hips to hold me still as he rears back. He doesn’t give me what I want though until my eyes meet his. He’s beautiful.
“Jesse.” He slams into me.
“You have me,” he pants and then repeats. “All of me.” I clutch him tight, holding him as close as possible and he fills me.
“Everything I have is yours. From here to eternity,” he whispers into my mouth before he kisses me again.
I groan, and he kisses it away. He kisses me until I can’t remember when I wasn’t his, until my vision blurs and my lungs burn and so does my spine. The prickling ball of need pools at the base of my spine and spikes outward as I arch beneath him, fingers gripping the sheets and then his shoulders. I fall over the edge for the first time in my entire life, exploding into a fury of white light, giving him every last bit of me. Everything.
“Fuck, Ari,” he moans as he feels me clench around him. He plants his nose next to my ear, as if he’s inhaling me. The smell of sex and forever drives him forward, driving through my orgasm while he chases his own one snapping thrust at a time until he follows me into bliss. Time ticks to the beat of our twitching muscles and panted breath. He’s crushing me with his weight, but I can’t bear to be apart from him. He begins to move off of me. “Don’t go, please,” I whisper.
“I’m not going anywhere, pretty girl,” he says while licking down my neck. “That was so much better than anything I ever imagined. I like everything about being right here with you. You okay with a sleepless night? Because I’m not nearly done with you. I’ll never be done with you.”
We lay there entwined and as I think about the last twenty-four hours and everything that has happened, I start to cry. I just had the most beautiful experience of my life and I haven’t told him about Gentry. And what does it say about me that lying entwined with him I’m wishing Jensen and Tanner were here at the same time.
He kisses the tears as they fall down my face. “Ari, what’s wrong? Did I go too hard? Did I hurt you?”
“No, no,” I rush to assure him, burrowing my face in his neck. “It’s just...I feel terrible, because I love you so much, more than anything.” I say. “And that was the best moment of my entire life. But I still miss them,” I tell him, and I begin to sob harder.
“Pretty girl,” he says softly, lifting off of me and rolling beside me so that we can look at each other. “I know you love them too, that you’ve always loved them. We would talk about it all the time back then, about what we would do if you ever picked. I know that they love you just as much as I do, and we’ll figure it out.”
I look at him shocked. “You’re okay with that?” I ask him in awe.
“Being theirs doesn’t make you any less mine,” he tells me with a smile. “Especially when I get you like this because I’m the least idiotic out of all of us and took advantage of you being back the fastest.”
I laugh at how proud he is. “They hate me,” I tell him.
“They don’t hate you. They just have more demons than I do. Just give them time.” A look of vulnerability passes over him. “You’re going to stay with us, right? You’re finally ours?”
I think of Gentry and how insurmountable it seems to escape him. But I’ll do it. I’ll do anything not to lose this.
“I’m yours,” I whisper. We drift off to sleep in his childhood bedroom, and I never sleep better.
12
I wake up alone, and I don’t like it. I have a momentary freak-out that he left, but then I hear pots and pans banging from downstairs, followed by a muttered curse, and I calm down. I get out of bed and slip my panties and bra back on along with his t-shirt that he left up here. My phone falls out of my clothing when I pick it up and I feel the flash of panic I always get when it comes to anything related to Gentry. I’m filled with dread as I look to see what calls I missed. There’s none. The dread intensifies just because Gentry never has gone a few hours without calling me when he’s out of town let alone almost an entire day. He even calls me multiple times during the night just to make sure I’m there. One time he called me while he was in bed with his fuck of the night. I feel like he’s playing some kind of sick game with me, and I’m not sure what to do.
Finally deciding that I just need to wait until he calls and deal with everything then, I walk out of the room and down the stairs. I stop before I get to the bottom to admire him for a second as he cooks something over the stove in the kitchen, a tower of maleness and hard muscle.
He turns around when the last stair squeaks as I step on it. A smile spreads across his stubbled jaw when he sees me. “Morning, pretty girl,” he says.
“Hi,” I mumble, feeling shy all of a sudden standing in front of him in just his shirt. I cross my arms over the shirt, hoping he won’t notice my breasts. They’re suddenly achy, and the pang is enough to force heat to burst on my cheeks.
“You’re up early,” he says to me, looking out the window that’s just beginning to show the markings of a new day.
“So are you. I thought rockstar’s were supposed to party all night and sleep all day?” I ask jokingly, heading to the counter and the coffee that I hope is waiting for me somewhere.
“I’ve never fit the mold on that. You know I’ve always loved mornings,” he says with a smile, gesturing for me to sit at one of the bar stools at the counter. My insides feel fluttery when I see the tender look that he’s giving me. It’s been a really long time since someone waited on me. If he wants to wait on me, I’ll accept.
With his back to me, Jesse pulls out two cups and pours what he already has brewed. I train my vision on admiring the beautiful kitchen; it’s much more G-rated than the rockstar covered in black ink ending above a very tight ass.
“How do you like it?” he says holding up the mug, and I get stuck on his voice. It’s thick molasses this morning, and it sinks in and tingles all the way to my toes.
“The same way as I did,” I whisper, and I feel a pang of regret at the relief that flashes briefly in his eyes. It’s not as hard to forget all the years that have passed now that it’s morning.
He grabs my cup and puts one spoonful of sugar and a dash of milk in it and hands it over to me. I immediately take a sip, thinking it somehow tastes better than usual just because he made it. After watching me take a sip in what looks like a trance, he shakes his head briefly and then goes to the stove and grabs a pan from it that’s filled with eggs. He spoons out the eggs on two plates and slides one over to me.
“Eat,” he orders, and my eyes shoot up at his command. He holds my gaze and slides the eggs and then some toast he grabs from the toaster further in front of me.
“You’re bossy,” I say, but pick up my fork anyway. Like the coffee, breakfast is delicious. He watches me eat for a moment.
“You look too skinny,” he says softly and my fork freezes mid-air before I go back to eating like I didn’t hear his comment. He leans over across the counter just then, a concerned look in his eyes. He walks around brushing my hair behind me.
“What the fuck is this, Ari,” he asks, gesturing to where I realize there are probably handprint sized bruises on my neck that I haven’t kept hidden this morning.
“Who the fuck did this to you?” he asks, his face contorted with rage and pain.
“A monster,” I tell him.
“I’ll kill him,” he replies fiercely.
“He’s never going to be a problem again,” I tell him, although I know even as the words come out that they are a lie.
He tips up my chin. “Pretty girl,” he whispers. “You think you don’t deserve to share yourself, your secrets. You think you burden people with your darkness. But you don’t. You’re not dark. You’re light. You’re warmth. You're good. Fuck. Ari," his voice broke, "you
are so good." My entire body trembles, a need to hold him wars against my stubbornness. And yet, I can’t believe the words he is saying.
How could he believe I wasn't dark? If your soul was comprised partly from experience, then my soul would at the very least be some shade of grey. And each lie I told hung heavy on the dark side, slipping the gradient scale more towards the dark. I didn't believe light and dark could exist without the other. It was the absence of light that made us dark in the first place. And while I wasn't wallowing in some emotional self-pity, I knew my soul was more dark than light. I was more bad than good. And it was with that realization that had made me make my original choice to walk away from them all. Not because I was dark, but because they were not.
“I’ll make you believe it,” he says fiercely, and I want to believe him.
“Ok, I have an idea,” he says grabbing me suddenly and twirling me around until I laugh. “Assuming you don’t have any plans today you can come back with me to the stadium and hang out while we get ready for the show tonight and then you can sit through another of our boring ass concerts,” he says with a wink. “Then we can figure everything out after that.”
I’m nervous to see Tanner and Jensen again after the disaster of last night, but I also feel desperate to see them at the same time.
“Okay,” I tell him, knowing that I would follow him anywhere.
My emotions are all over the place as we pull into the stadium parking lot. I wait for Jesse to open the door for me and for a second, it’s like we’re in high school again. He takes my hand as we walk into the stadium and I’m still not sure how this is my life all of a sudden.
We walk into the green room and I want to leave as soon as we do since Tanner and Jensen are screaming at each other. They stop as soon as they see us. Jensen gives me a dirty look. “What the fuck is she doing here?” he asks before stomping away into a back room.
“He just needs some time,” Jesse says gently, and I nod like I agree with the idea.
Some time. I don’t know if there is enough of it in the world to conquer this mountain. My heart plummets to my stomach, and the room is suddenly too small. With Jesse’s sympathetic eyes watching me, I retreat, mumbling something about needing to make a call as I rush out of the room. I hurry to the room where Tanner had kissed me the night before. Just as I turn to shut my door, Tanner’s arm sneaks in, and then his chest and the painful sigh he lets out as he enters. Tanner looks exhausted. His eyes are red-rimmed, his hair is all over the place. He doesn’t look like he’s slept at all. I immediately want to take care of him but I’m not sure that he would welcome that.
“Princess.” One word. One word and I crack. I step forward, a tactical error on my part. He grabs my wrist, tugging me into his arms and holding me impossibly still with his powerful grip to my waist. His gaze burns into me, fierce and determined. Before I can say his name, my hands are pinned to his chest and his mouth slams down on mine. He takes in my cry, using his tongue to tame me. I squirm against his brute strength, straining on his lap when he falls into a chair. My resistance only wedges my ass on his lap.
Frustration bubbles up, and I bite his lip, thinking of the girl from last night. He groans and so I do it again, harder this time, but he squeezes my aching breasts in retaliation. Holy crap. I break away, gasping and arching in a lust that’s painful in its severity. This is pure torture. Just like Tanner Crosby.
“Ari,” he breathes out my name as his fingers begin to trail up my neck away from where I want him to go. Oh, gosh. I wrestle away, but he holds me in place with his free hand, all the while continuing his slow seduction of my body. “I didn’t sleep with that girl. I drank too much and yes, Tanya was there too, but nothing happened. Nothing. Look at me.”
I don’t want to. The white ceiling is fascinating.
“Look at me,” he says in the tone that has always commanded my attention. When that doesn’t work, he tweaks my nipple, and I almost come off his lap like a rocket. My eyes find his in shock. “I fucked up. I know it as well as you. But I didn’t do anything we can’t recover from.”
“Tanner, you don’t owe me anything. You can do whatever you want. You haven’t been mine for a very long time.”
“We both know that’s not true. I was back to being hopelessly wrapped around your finger the second you appeared in the doorway yesterday,” he says almost bitterly.
I forget that I hate hope. It prickles at the back of my mind and opens my heart like a budding flower. He must sense my vulnerability. In a second, he slips his fingers into my hair and pulls me in for another kiss that’s so full of longing and desire that I feel like I could die. My body flushes with need. I need him.
“Princess?”
I groan, hating how much this all hurts. It’s much worse than anything I could have imagined.
“Tanner?” I finally answer.
“I need to tell you something important. Will you let me?”
I cringe, taken back to the days when I had said almost those exact words to them on the phone when I let them go. Tears blur my vision, and squeezing my lids closed in a hard blink does little to clear it. “Go ahead,” I mumble.
“My truth is not an excuse—it just is. My head is full of noise, and it’s gotten worse. It’s been really bad lately. And I’m mixed up with some stuff. And then seeing you yesterday….”
He swallows.
“What does that mean?” I ask, afraid to know. Pain pinches his features together and a quick breath unravels the hurt leaving him open and exposed. He sighs and looks away from me and I immediately know the answer.
Drugs.
His admission sucks the air from my lungs. After years of wondering if the reports are true, I’ve just found out that they are. And he used them last night. Guilt prickles at my nape. I should have stayed at the stadium and gone after him even if he was with Tanya, yet I let my pride and insecurities shut me down.
“How bad is it?” I ask, my heart clenching painfully as I wait for an answer.
“I’ve been using a lot more lately, some harder stuff too, but I’m going to stop. I can stop whenever I want,” he says, looking at the ceiling and then back at me, pleading with his eyes for me to believe him. I remember another time when he said almost those exact same words to me.
“Do you need to get some help?” I ask carefully.
“I’ve been to rehab a few times. I’m sure you saw the rumors in the news. But I only went because the Label made me. I’m fine. I only do it when I’m stressed, but it’s going to stop,” he says again. His hands tangle in my hair until I feel like I’m getting some kind of sensual head massage. “I need you to believe me when I say I’m in this however you want me. I want us. I want this, everything that comes along with you. I won’t hurt you.”
Some of the tension holding my stiff spine eases, and I relax against him. But not all of it. I grab the back of his shoulders to set myself upright to watch his reaction.
“Did anything happen with Tanya last night?” I ask.
“No.”
“Did you want to?”
“No.” His brow pulls down in a twisted knot of confusion. “Tanya’s been my supplier for years and I guess ya, I’ve been fucking her lately. But she’s nothing. I wouldn’t be able to even get it up for her after seeing you again,” he says.
As he says his peace, his hand resumes its incessant rubbing and he smiles. “But I can’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t sleep all night because I kept going over that kiss and thinking about kissing you everywhere. I’ve thought about you constantly for five years. Do you remember the very first time we met?”
My heart thrums too fast because I do.
“I owe you the truth, Ari. I’m ready to give it to you. Please.”
Please. As if I can say no. I nod, and he continues on a rushed breath, “I’ve been in love with you since I saw you that night. At first, I tried to talk myself out of the feelings, I knew I wasn’t any good for you. But I’ve dreamed about you every
night since I’ve met you and all I’ve ever been able to think was mine. Mine, Ari. Just mine. The word bounces like a pinball in my head and my heart every time I hear your name. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
He sucks in a breath and shudders. “But I broke a promise to you. I told you that last day that I would come for you no matter what. But I was so angry with you, for what you said during that call. I should have come after you. I’m an idiot, Princess, but I always see you. It’s impossible not to. I’ve made more mistakes than I’d like to admit. Getting high last night and making you think I was with another girl was one of them. Life crashed in on me seeing you again and I shut down, shut off everything. Please forgive me,” he murmurs, drawing out my grief through tears I had yet to cry.
He kisses me everywhere—cheeks, chin, forehead, and down to my ear, mixing his sadness with my own. A storm surges up and out of my chest, angry and consuming. This is my fault, not his. I pound Tanner’s chest, wrestle his shirt into my fist and let him hold my sagging frame. And he does, so tight I have nowhere to go. We weep through his guilt, my guilt, the years we’ve lost, and into the forgiveness he so desperately thinks he needs.
Tanner finds my eyes, never breaking contact as he bends with his lips hovering over mine. Hard and desperate, his gaze penetrates through my grief and into something new. I shift in his arms and the slightest movement alters our axis. His lids flare for a moment, and then he presses his mouth to my own again. Is it possible for something to be right and wrong at the same time? This...this feels so good. Like unspoken words expressed in a rush of breath and weighted meaning. I know him. I know his thoughts and fears, and I pull him impossibly closer to soothe his ache and to ease mine. His tongue slips between my lips and he’s fierce, demanding as he licks and bites into me until I’m drunk on feeling. I match his movements, his groan, the tug of hands in hair. Our hearts break and with the same emotion that destroyed us, we pick each other up and rebuild.
Everything changes.