“Great … great.” Ms. Gallagher’s smile doesn’t make it seem great at all. “The thing is … I’ve spoken to Aisling Mahoney’s parents. She’s going to be punished, of course.”
“Of course,” I mumble, though I already know that whatever’s going to come out of Ms. Gallagher’s lips next isn’t going to make me happy.
“But … I think it’ll be in everyone’s best interest if we keep things discreet. Nobody has to know what happened with you and Aisling. There’s no point dredging it all up. I’m sure you understand.”
“It happened last week.” The words are out of my lips before I can stop them. But I also don’t regret them. “Everybody at school thinks I cheated. That I … get the results I do because I’m a cheater, which isn’t true. And you want me to keep pretending it is?”
“We’ll tell everyone it’s not true. Anyway, nobody thinks that—”
“Yes, they do!” My voice rises by an octave. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Losing my temper last time didn’t help. “Principal Gallagher.” I try to use the calm, collected voice I’ve heard Hani use when speaking to her white friends. “People already believed the worst of me. And Aisling did cheat. What’s the problem if everyone finds out the truth? Just because her parents asked you to keep it quiet?”
“Because we don’t believe in tarnishing people’s image in this school, Ishita. And it’s nobody’s business what happened in this office. I’m sorry, Ishita, but especially at this presentation today, we will have no discussion of Aisling. She isn’t even running for Head Girl or prefect, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Understood?”
I have so many things I want to say to Principal Gallagher. Instead, I grit my teeth and say, “Understood.”
chapter forty-five
hani
WHEN I GET TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY, I HAVE A SINGLE focus. Find Ishu. Talk to her. Fix everything.
I ignore my locker, which is right next to Aisling’s and Dee’s—and head right toward Ishu’s. I find her with her locker door open, staring inside with a faraway look in her eyes.
She must be more nervous about the Head Girl presentations than I expected.
“Ishu?” I tap her on the shoulder.
She turns around and her gaze immediately shifts into a glare. I try to ignore the pain in my chest at Ishu looking at me like this.
“What the fuck are you doing?” She steps away from me, like my tap on her shoulder was too much for her to bear.
“I just … wanted to wish you luck on the Head Girl presentations,” I offer. “And …” I pull out the box of red-velvet cupcakes Amma helped me make yesterday. “I made these cupcakes, see?” I open up the box so Ishu can see, with their multi-colored icing spelling out VOTE ISHITA #1 in bright pink writing. I figured the best way to win people over was with sugar—everybody’s weakness. “So that I can help you get people to—”
“I don’t want your help,” Ishu says. She slams her locker door shut, like it’s somehow personally wronged her. “I don’t need your help.”
“Ishu, I’m just—”
“Ishita,” she says. “And leave me alone.” She pushes past me and disappears into the crowd of girls from our year. I feel my stomach sink. I’ve been relegated to calling her Ishita, like someone who doesn’t know her, hasn’t spent time with her, hasn’t held her hand or thought about her until the late hours of night with butterflies in my stomach.
Like we’re nothing at all to each other.
When the bell rings at eight thirty, everyone but the fifth years shuffle off into their respective classes. I follow the rest of the girls in my year into the main hall, where everything has been set up for the Head Girl candidates to give their presentations.
There are rows of chairs filling up the space, and a stage set up at the very front. There’s even a little podium with a mic, and a projector toward the back facing the screen set up on stage. Somehow, this feels even more official than all of the election events I’ve been to with Abba.
The rows of chairs fill up fast, and I spot Aisling and Dee sitting toward the front. They’re both sitting slumped in their seats, looking like this is the last place on earth they want to be. And they’re whispering to each other. My stomach drops at the sight of them, and I look away quickly.
I decide to choose a seat at the very back of the hall—as far away from Aisling and Dee as humanly possible. But I’m definitely not going to spend this time feeling bad about what happened with them yesterday. Just because Ishu hates me now doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help her the best I can.
I promised to help her become Head Girl, and that’s what I’m going to do.
So, I pull out the box of cupcakes from my bag and turn to the group of girls sitting next to me: Hannah, Yasmin, and Sinéad.
“Hey,” I say in the brightest voice I can muster. “Are you planning on voting for Ishita?” I hold out the cupcakes so they can see that they’re for Ishu’s supporters.
The three of them share a look with each other, before Sinéad turns to me with a frown. “Um … hasn’t Ishita been cheating in school? I’m not sure any of us should be voting for someone like that.”
I don’t let my smile falter—though it’s difficult to keep smiling. “If Ishu really has been cheating, would she be let back into the Head Girl election?”
Hannah shrugs. “Well, if she’s capable of cheating, then who knows what else she’s capable of doing? I mean … she’s always been ambitious.” She says the last word as if ambitious is the worst thing anybody could hope to be.
“Ishita didn’t cheat,” I say with the most definitive voice I can—while still sounding pleasant. “Everything got cleared up. It was … it was …” I cast a glance at Aisling at the very front. She has her arms crossed over her chest, and she’s glaring at Ishu up on stage. “Aisling was the one who cheated.”
Hannah blinks at me slowly. They all do. Like the thought of Aisling being the one who cheated isn’t possible. Though I’m pretty sure Aisling was the one who told them all about Ishu.
“You should vote for Ishita,” I say, thrusting the box of cupcakes in front of them once more before they can say anything else. “She’s the best person for this job, trust me.”
None of them look fully convinced, but they do each grab a cupcake from the box.
I manage to give out only a few more cupcakes—and tell a few more people that it wasn’t Ishu who cheated—before Principal Gallagher strolls up to the stage. I shuffle back into my seat as she casts a sweeping glance over the stage, a smile flickering on her lips.
“Welcome, fifth years,” she says into the mic. “This year you have the opportunity to make a very important decision in this school. You get to choose which student amongst these four will represent you, and the entire school, as our Head Girl next year. And you can decide who will serve as deputy Head Girl. Two positions that are of immense importance in our school.” She holds our gaze for a long, tense moment. She’s acting as if we’re choosing the next president of Ireland, not just the two people who will spend most of next year organizing school photos and planning our debs.
“So, this is your opportunity to listen to what each of these students has to offer and make an informed decision.” Ms. Gallagher glances at the four girls sitting at the back of the stage. Alex, Siobhán, and Maya smile down at the rest of us. But Ishu—sitting at the very edge, looks lost to this world. Her eyebrows are furrowed together and she’s deep in thought. My stomach twists at the sight of her.
“We’ll start with Alexandra Tuttle.” The room erupts into applause and Ms. Gallagher takes her seat on the other side of the stage.
All of us listen attentively as Alex tells us about her experience in leadership, and how she’s been at this school since first year, and wants us to graduate next year in the best way possible. Next, Siobhán says almost all of the same things as Alex but smiles a lot more. Maya spends way too much time talking about the debs, and how she’s been dreaming of her own ever since she
saw her older sister’s debs dress a few years ago, so she will spend her time organizing the best dance she can possibly put together. She even has a PowerPoint presentation with some ideas of what our debs might look like. When she walks away from the mic, there are whoops and cheers.
Obviously, leadership skills and love of the school are not what the girls in our year are looking for in a Head Girl.
Finally, it’s Ishu’s turn.
“Hi everyone,” she says slowly. “I’m … Ishita Dey.” Ishu takes a shaky breath that reverberates around the hall. “I think you should vote me for Head Girl because … I’m the best person for the job, I guess. I’ve consistently been at the top of my classes, which shows I’m a hard worker, and—”
Ishu’s speech is interrupted by a low cough that sounds distinctively like “cheater.” It’s followed by another which more clearly mumbles “liar.” I glance at the top of the hall at Aisling and Dee, but the thing is I’m not even sure if it was them. It could be anyone—they all think Ishu is a cheater.
Ishu pauses in her speech and glances back at Principal Gallagher. I will Ms. Gallagher to stand up and tell everyone here the truth. That it was Aisling who cheated, not Ishu. But Principal Gallagher isn’t even looking at Ishu. She stares off into the distance, a blank expression on her face.
Ishu clears her throat.” … And on that note, I would like to formally take myself out of the running for Head Girl.”
Now, Principal Gallagher shifts in her seat. “Ishita—” she begins, but Ishu is already at the bottom of the stage, rushing toward the exit. The previously quiet hall explodes into a rush of whispers and giggles as everyone watches Ishu make her exit. She’s holding her head up high—though everyone thinks the worst of her.
I’m not sure where the motivation comes from, but one moment I’m sitting in my seat, looking after Ishu, and the next I’m rushing up to the stage.
“Ishita is not a cheater.” The hall descends into silence once more. Everyone’s eyes are turned to me but I can’t exactly stop now. “You’ve all got to be daft to believe that she is. What, do you believe every single thing Aisling has said to you?” I glance at Aisling, who is glaring daggers up at me. There’s a tug of discomfort in my stomach at her gaze. We’re best friends. We were best friends, I remind myself as I turn away from her, and toward Principal Gallagher. “Ms. Gallagher, you know it was Aisling who cheated. She told me so. Why are you letting Ishita take the blame for this?”
Ms. Gallagher finally stands, and shuffles over to the podium stand. And as if she hasn’t heard a single word I’ve said, she speaks into the mic, “Thank you to the three Head Girl candidates for their presentations. Voting will be next week. You can all return to your classrooms.”
Everyone shuffles to their feet and out through the double doors at the end of the hallway, stealing glances back at me the whole time. My bravery from a few moments ago is gone now, leaving me with an impending feeling of doom in my chest.
“Humaira,” Ms. Gallagher finally turns to me as the hallway becomes emptier and emptier. “You can’t just get up in front of your whole year and say things like that.”
“But it’s the truth,” I say.
“Ishita and I have an understanding about the situation with Aisling,” Ms. Gallagher says. Somehow, I don’t believe her at all.
“An understanding that Aisling can do whatever she wants?”
“She’ll be punished. But … dragging her name through the mud in front of the entire school? We have a zero tolerance policy for bullying here, so I’d be careful. Now, why don’t you get back to class?”
There are still a million thoughts scrambling around inside my head, but I know that speaking to Principal Gallagher is pointless. She thinks somehow Aisling is the victim and Ishu the perpetrator, and I’m not sure anything I say will change the way she sees the two of them. So, I step down from the stage, trying my best to not let my anger spill over.
chapter forty-six
ishu
I dropped out of the Head Girl election.
I send off the text and heave a sigh. The bathroom stall I’ve decided to hole up in has the lyrics to an Ariana Grande song scribbled onto it in black marker. That makes me smile, thinking about any of the girls in our school spending their time carefully etching lyrics onto the bathroom door instead of going to class.
My phone vibrates with texts from Nik just a few minutes later.
Nik: ????
Nik: WHY???
Because all the girls were accusing me of—
I hesitate and erase the text. That’s not really why.
Because I didn’t know how to say—
I stop again, staring down at my phone screen, unsure of how to exactly explain to my sister why I made the decision when I’m not sure I completely understand it myself.
I don’t have the time to think about it too much though, because in the next moment my phone is buzzing with a phone call.
“Hello?” I whisper, hoping that no teachers come in here looking for me.
“What happened?” Nik asks. “Do I need to come down there again?” She says it like it’s a joke but I fully believe she would do it again if she had to.
“No …” I trail off, unsure of where to begin. “I just … I got up there and I didn’t have anything to say, Nik,” I say. “Why do I want to be Head Girl? Everyone else was talking about class hoodies and debs, and how they have all of this leadership experience. I don’t want to be a bloody leader of these girls; I barely even like talking to them half the time. I definitely don’t want to spend half of the final year in school planning a dance where I’ll probably have a miserable time.”
“Well, if you go with Hani, I’m sure you—”
“Nik.”
“Sorry,” she chuckles. “Look … I could have told you your reasons for running for Head Girl were rubbish, but if it’s what you want, it’s what you want.”
“I never even thought about becoming Head Girl before … before you told us about dropping out of university.”
“So you want to be Head Girl … to show me up?”
“To … show Ammu and Abbu that I’m … not you,” I mumble. When I told Abbu and Ammu that I was going to be Head Girl, the decision to run had made sense. But now, my reasons make a knot form in my stomach.
“Trust me, Ishu … Ammu and Abbu don’t think you’re me. They’ve already written me off, but they still have faith in you.” Nik says this all breezily, but I can sense the hurt in her words.
“They haven’t written you off,” I say, even though I’m not sure I believe that.
“That doesn’t matter.” Nik sighs. “Look … if you want to run for Head Girl for Ammu and Abbu, I get that. But … you don’t have to do it.”
“I don’t … think I want to be Head Girl. Also … it’s not even possible for me to be Head Girl. Everyone still thinks I cheated.” I sigh. “They’re trying to protect Aisling, apparently.”
“God, that bloody school,” Nik mumbles under her breath. “It’s always been a fucking nightmare, but somehow it’s gotten worse.”
“Hani stood up for me.” I don’t know why I tell Nik that when I’m still trying to hold onto my anger at Hani. But it’s getting increasingly difficult with her baking cupcakes and running up on stage to defend me in front of our entire year.
“God, I wonder why,” Nik says in the most exaggeratedly sarcastic voice possible.
“Shut up.”
“Look … Ishu … you don’t have to ever do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to run for Head Girl if that’s not what you want. And you don’t have to forgive Hani if that’s not what you want to do. I just … want to make sure you’re doing things for the right reasons. So, not because of Ammu and Abbu, and not because you don’t want to give you and Hani a proper shot.”
“That’s not why.” My voice sounds more defensive than I want it to, and I can almost see the knowing smile on Nik’s face.
“Okay, Ishu
… whatever you say. I have to go. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah … I’m going to be fine.” And I try my best to sound fine, and not like I’m standing in an ugly green bathroom stall questioning everything.
chapter forty-seven
hani
WHISPERS FOLLOW ME THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE school day. I’m not sure if I’ve actually done much to help Ishu, or if I’ve just made things worse. But the worst part of everything is that I can’t even find Ishu anywhere. She’s obviously still avoiding me, and I’m not sure if I can even blame her. I go through the rest of the school day with my head bent down low, buried in my books.
When the final bell rings at the end of the day, I couldn’t be happier. I rush to my locker before hurrying out of the school gates, like putting distance between me and the school building will somehow solve all my problems.
Still, somehow, Aisling and Dee manage to beat me to the gates. They’re both waiting for me, their eyes boring into me.
“Maira, what the hell was that today?” Aisling asks as soon as I’m within earshot.
“I can’t believe you would stand up in front of our entire year and accuse Aisling of—”
“The truth?” I cut Dee off before she has a chance to finish. “It’s not an accusation if it’s the truth.” Shooting them both glares, I attempt to push past, but there’s two of them and only one of me.
“Are you seriously going to do this over one fight?” Dee asks.
“It wasn’t one—” I start, but Aisling cuts me off.
“I’m sorry.” Those words that I thought I’d never hear out of Aisling’s lips slip right out. I stop in my tracks to take her in. She has her head bent down low and she’s speaking slowly, as if this is all incredibly painful for her to say. Even Dee is looking at Aisling with wide eyes, so this must be unplanned.
“You’re sorry?” I scoff. “For what?”
“I’m sorry for … well, all of it, I guess. I shouldn’t have …”
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