by Staci Hart
What are you going to do? Did you hook up with him? I’m freaking the fuck out right now.
Calm your tits! No, but almost. And I have to break up with Travis. Was going to last night, but he was asleep.
My tits will not be calmed! Call me later from work because I need to know everything.
K love you.
U too. HURRY UP.
Lex’s mood fluctuated through the course of the day from blissed out to flipping out. She talked to Kara, who momentarily lost her mind to a chorus of squealing and giggling. She went over her plan for the eleventy-billionth time, then watched the clock as it ticked with her thoughts leading her in circles, around and around the things to come as she helplessly waited for the time when she could move forward as she wondered if she and Travis would be okay and how she could expect them to be. Could they still be friends? Lex’s heart clenched, hoping they could.
Kara extended the invitation for Lex to come stay with her for as long as she needed, so Lex would break up with him that night, then head to Dean’s, and the next day, she’d pick up some of her things to start the move to Kara’s. She thought about Dean, remembering his lips on hers, and looked at the clock again, ready for the day and its responsibilities to be over so they could pick up where they left off.
Only five minutes had passed when she glanced at the clock again, and she decided she needed a distraction. She looked around the desk for something to occupy her and spotted a pile of books to be returned to the shelves. Lex scooped them up and made her way around the store with the stack in the crook of her arm, filing them back where they belonged.
As she rounded a corner with her eyes on a book spine, she slammed full force into someone, and papers flew into the air as books thumped to the ground. The woman, who was about Lex’s age with short, fiery red hair, had been carrying a deck of tarot cards that fluttered down around them like feathers.
Lex touched her arm. “My god, are you okay? I’m so sorry.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I think so.”
“Let me help you. I’m Lex by the way,” she said as she knelt down, grabbing papers.
“I’m Mari.” She smiled at Lex, her brown eyes soft in her fair face.
Lex picked up a piece of paper, and Mari’s hand flew to her mouth when she saw what laid under it. Six tarot cards were face up, arranged in an almost perfect row in front of where Lex knelt, the other cards face down in a ring around them.
The hairs raised on Lex’s arms and the back of her neck.
Mari looked up at her. “What the hell?” she said, her eyes wide. “This … this is crazy. Are you seeing this?”
Lex sat down slowly and took in a breath. “Yeah, I see it.”
“I think I’m supposed to read these for you.”
“I think you are, too.”
Mari took a deep breath and sat down in front of Lex before touching the first card. The card pictured a happy man who walked the edge of a cliff in a green floral smock. He carried a parcel on a stick and a flower in his hand with a little white dog at his heel. “The Fool,” she said.
“You’re starting a new journey, an experience. The Fool is a wanderer, and your first card represents beginnings. But your journey is risky. The fool walks the edge of a cliff, but look at how happy he is. It could go either way. He could be happy, or he could fall.”
Lex’s mind raced. Paper Fools? Coincidence? She was about to start on a new journey, that was for sure. Lex had known from the beginning that Dean was risky and that pursuing him would likely only end with her heart splattered on the ground, but she could be happy too, if she was understanding Mari right.
Mari touched the second card. The sun smiled serenely, large and dominant on the card, casting wide rays over a blond child with a flower crown who rode a white horse in the foreground. He held a red banner that flapped in the wind, and sunflowers stood in rows behind him.
“You’re looking for something constant, reliable. The second card represents your desires, and this card is The Sun. The Sun is always there for you. He greets you every morning to chase away the darkness of night. When the sky is filled with the blackest storm, The Sun is there to warm you when it breaks.”
Of course she wanted reliability, and who didn’t? She wanted Dean to be her sun, but how could she know for certain that she could depend on him? Her lips pinched shut as she stared at the cards in front of her.
Mari continued on as she touched the third card. “The Moon.” A moon lay in a night sky over jagged mountains. A road wound off into the distance between two towers, and dogs howled wild-eyed around the path.
“You’re afraid because you don’t want to travel alone, and worried you’ll be deceived, but you must travel alone in the darkness to find The Sun. The third card represents your fears and obstacles. The Moon represents deceit and confusion. When The Moon shows his face, something isn’t what it seems.” She peered at Lex. “Don’t let the moonlight fool you.”
Her stomach dropped. How could he promise her anything? He could deceive her, just as he’d deceived all the others, and as for her fears? Being lied to, being hurt was what she feared the most.
Mari’s fingers came to rest on the fourth card, which was upside down. The sun shone at the top of the card where an angel sat with red wings in a tuft of clouds. A man and woman stood in front of two trees, and a mountain rose in the distance.
“The Lovers Reversed. When upright, The Lovers card represents a connection. In reverse, it means a connection is broken, and the fourth card represents things in your life that are positive. Something will break The Lovers’ connection, and, in my experience, infidelity is usually the reason. But whatever the cause, the break will lead you to something positive.”
That had Dean written all over it. Her heart sank, realizing that he couldn’t be faithful. He had never been faithful to anyone, hadn’t even tried to be. The card was supposed to be about something good happening to her, though she had no idea how the fuck getting cheated on was a good thing.
Mari laid her fingers on the fifth card. A tower raised up into the black of night, and lightning struck the crown on top, cracking it as fire licked at the windows. Two men fell from the sky, grasping for purchase.
“The Tower. The fifth card represents what is working against you, the negative. There is a truth inside of The Tower, but a storm is coming that will knock it down, exposing the truth hidden inside. The Tower is not just destructive, though. It’s regenerative. You can regain control, but you have to choose to push The Tower down yourself instead of waiting for fate to play out, which will turn this negative into a positive. Fate may reward you if you take the initiative.”
Was the truth inside that he didn’t care for her like she thought he did? Or that he couldn’t change? She would find out, whether she wanted to or not. So, she could wait and throw her heart into Dean and let the tower crumble, or she could just end it. Push it down and save herself from the destruction that the storm would bring.
Mari picked up the final card and held it up in presentation as she looked into Lex’s eyes. Lex leaned forward to inspect the card. A wheel in the sky in the center of the card was marked with symbols, spokes connecting them across the wheel. In the top left sat an angel, in the right an eagle, the bottom right a lion, and the bottom left what looked like a cow, all with wings, all gold, and all reading. The sphinx on the top of the wheel held a sword, a snake was in the sky to the left of the wheel, and a devil slithered up the right.
“Wheel of Fortune. The sixth card represents outcomes, and the Wheel of Fortune is fate. This card shows how destiny and fate are connected in a cycle, that it’s constantly moving and changing, but predetermined. This means that the outcome isn’t only likely, it’s certain. You can’t change fate, but you can prepare for it if you recognize the signs.”
Lex’s voice was raw. “If that reading wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.”
Mari’s hand fell, and her mouth was a tight line. “I’m sorry. This
doesn’t seem like welcome news.”
Lex managed a pained smile. “It’s okay. None of this was news to me, however unwelcome it is.” She helped Mari pick up the remaining cards and papers in silence, then stood and wiped her sweaty palms on the thighs of her jeans as she walked back to her stool with shaky knees.
Her mind raced as she tried to process what had just happened. Calm down and think about this, Alexis. She took a deep breath, trying to convince her heart to slow down.
Lex felt like she’d been shoved into an icy river, the shock of the experience bringing her painful clarity. How could she have been so stupid? Of course he would hurt her. She thought back on who he was: a womanizer. A user. How could she think he would ever, could ever want to be with her in the way that mattered?
She had to end it.
Lex leaned on the counter and cradled her head in her hands, breathing deep through her nose, trying not to vomit, trying to reason with herself. She’d dodged a bullet, she told herself over and over, but it hurt like she had taken it in the heart.
Dean paced around his apartment, picking things up and putting them back down again as he waited for Lex to come over. Practice had been long and tense for him. Roe had asked him what happened, but Dean only answered, “I can’t. Not now. Not yet.” It took everything he had just to concentrate to get through practice.
Travis was a good guy, and Dean felt for him. He knew what he was taking from Travis, and hoped that Lex was right, that he wasn’t in love with her, that he would be okay. Dean had obsessed over how she would tell Travis, what he would say, what he would do, and how she would react.
And as he walked the length of the room, he wondered most about when she would get there, because of everything else, that was the thing he anticipated the most. He had replayed every moment of the day before on a loop since he’d watched her walk away.
His heart skipped when he heard the knock on the door, and he smiled as he opened it, until he saw her face. She stood, small and dejected in his hallway, and his hopes fell hard and fast.
“What’s wrong?” He stepped toward her, but she stepped back, keeping the distance between them. “What did Travis do?”
“Nothing.” She looked up at him with brimming eyes. “I didn’t tell him.”
She dropped her gaze to the ground and walked into his apartment, hands in her pockets, shoulders bent. She wouldn’t look at him, as much as he wanted her to.
He closed the door and turned to her with his heart in his stomach and his stomach in his throat.
“Dean, I … I’ve been thinking all day about us, and this afternoon, I realized something. I can’t give my heart to you when you don’t know how to take care of it. I don’t want to be the guinea pig for your love life, and I can’t walk into a death trap. Because I know if I do give myself to you, and you hurt me, I will never recover. I just … I can’t risk it.”
Lex’s heart thumped in her ears through the silence as she begged him to argue, to tell her she was wrong, that he could never hurt her. Say something. Anything.
Dean’s body was a shell, his lack of experience holding him still, unable to even contemplate a response. She was right. He didn’t know how to care for her, and he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt her. But he believed he could take care of her, that he would if he was able. No woman he had ever been with would describe him as ‘trustworthy.’ He wanted to be, for her, but his word didn’t mean anything, not when his track record clearly said otherwise.
He looked at her long. “Okay. Whatever you want, Lex.”
I want you, her mind screamed as she breathed deep, her chin quivering. “I have to go,” she said. Her heart shattered as she turned and bolted out the door, wishing he had argued and glad that he hadn’t.
Dean stood rooted to the ground, his throat in a vice. He wanted to stop her, call out to her, but he didn’t deserve her. The kindest thing he could do for her was to watch her walk away.
———— Olympus ————
Dita’s eyes blazed as she stormed into the common living room. She stopped in front of Apollo with her legs wide and her hands in fists, her wrath boiling under her skin. “What the fuck was that?”
Apollo didn’t appear fazed. He put his hands up in front of his chest in a surrender gesture, but spoke stern. “All’s fair, Dita.”
“You’re going to pay for that cheap-ass parlor trick.”
Apollo rose and looked her in the eye, the calm facade fading as he circled her. “Am I? What exactly did I do wrong? If you’re so sure you’re going to win, why are you worked up, hmm? How do you know for sure that I’m not the end of your winning streak? Last time I checked, I had the gift of prophecy, and you, Dita, did not.”
“You can’t win. CANNOT.”
Apollo stopped in front of her, his body tense. “Why not? Might your boy-toy be unhappy?”
“Don’t speak of him, Apollo. Don’t even utter his name,” she growled, her rage threatening to push her over the edge. Her hair lifted as wind, sprinkled with rose petals, swirled around her in a glorious tornado.
Apollo’s face bent in vengeful anguish, and his voice boomed as he began to glow. “Do you think I don’t know, Dita? DO YOU? Because I do. You could give her back to me, but you won’t. Instead, you torture me.”
“You killed him. Killed him because of your shit-headed creep of a son. He had to be punished, Apollo, and then? You killed Adonis. Your revenge on me far outweighed the price you paid.” Her words shot out of her like white-hot knives.
Apollo’s shoulders fell as her words sliced through his heart, through his rage, through his pain, and he was suddenly very tired. His anger drained out of him, leaving only regret for things he could not change as he wished for the thousandth time that he could tell her the truth.
“Dita, I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I was wrong to do what I did, but it doesn’t matter, because words mean nothing. I don’t know what else I can do but try to win, and you would do the same, if you were me.”
The air around Aphrodite stilled as her wrath ebbed, and his words sank in. He was right. He was doing exactly what she would do.
Her face softened, and she reached for his arm. “Apollo, I—”
He shrugged her off as he turned for the elevator. “Just don’t. You’re not the only one who’s been in pain all this time.”
And in that moment, as she watched Apollo walk away, she felt the truth in his words more deeply than ever.
Day 14
LEX’S EYES WERE CLOSED AS she lay in bed, feigning sleep, feeling Travis watch her. She wasn’t ready to talk to him.
Not yet.
She was certain he heard her crying the night before, since she hadn’t stopped all night, and her drippy nose was impossible to keep quiet. She’d drifted in and out of sleep, but Dean always made his way back into her mind, and every thought broke her heart fresh.
But she needed time before she could talk to Travis and didn’t want to break up with him before he left for practice where Dean was, so she breathed slow, keeping as still as she could until she heard Travis sigh and leave the room. His keys rattled as he scooped them up, and the door closed. The click of the lock sliding home was the only sound in the quiet apartment.
Lex rolled over and watched the tops of the trees sway out the window for a long while before crawling out of bed to make coffee. While the pot dripped and sputtered, she walked into the living room, pulled a throw blanket off the couch, and wrapped herself in it as she curled up in the window seat.
She pressed her forehead against the cool glass and looked down into the street. People were going to work, walking their dogs, shopping for groceries, and though her world had stopped spinning, all the rest of the world carried on.
She’d wanted to let herself go for the first time. She understood what she had been missing, what she’d never been able to feel or give. She understood what she’d lost. But it was better to stop before it started and avoid the pain of sacrificing any
more of her heart.
A hot, fat tear slipped down her cheek.
She had to stop. Stop thinking about him. She knew she couldn’t risk him, not when everything she knew about his past told her he would only hurt her. The fact that a stranger told her during the freakiest tarot reading ever was only the catalyst to bring her back to reality, although the circumstances of that alone had her one hundred percent spooked. Really, she had been fooling herself to think that Dean was someone who she could trust enough to let in, even though she wanted to.
The coffee pot pinged, and she wiped her cheek with the corner of her blanket as she carried herself into the kitchen to try to figure out how to move on.
Dean sat up and immediately regretted it. The heel of his hand flew to his eye socket, and he pressed hard as his head exploded in pain. The sweet, heavy scent of whiskey hit his nose. He smelled like the bottom of a bottle.
When the room stopped spinning, he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and staggered into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. He swigged it down like he had been stranded in the desert and set the empty glass down, gripped the counter with bent shoulders and his head hung.
Dean had earned himself a massive karma dump and was sitting in the middle of it. He figured that someday his fucking around would catch up with him, but he didn’t know it would hurt like it did. He didn’t get it before, didn’t understand what it would be like to care or how much pain he would endure when he lost. The pain was so great, so deep, that he thought he might break apart from the force.
There was no way to convince her, and no matter how much he wanted her back, he wasn’t worthy of her, and he never would be.
His hands fell like weights from the counter, and he stumbled back to his bed, lost in the dark.
———— Olympus ————
Dita sank into her clawfoot tub until the steaming water reached her chin.
She was totally fucked.
Dean was literally going to screw Lex over, and Dita was shocked that she’d been so wrong about him. The minute that tarot reader said the word ‘infidelity,’ Dita had known. Game over. Damn Apollo and his prophecies. No wonder he had been so sure of himself.