by Staci Hart
“I don’t know how you do it, girl.”
“Some days, I don’t either.”
“What’s new? Chuck was talking about some big-wig that had your attention yesterday. Apparently, your friend gave the little troll an earful. Got anything to share?”
Kim’s eyes went wide. “Gave him an earful? What did Chuck say?”
“Nothing, really. You know how Chuck gets. He puffed out his lips and huffed around about it. You gonna tell me what happened?”
“Well,” Kim said, smiling, “I bumped into this guy, Katsu, at the club night before last. Literally, I mean, I slammed right into him. He’s so tall, I don’t know how I missed him. We kind of had a … moment. Anyway, he showed up here yesterday during my shift.”
“Honey, I don’t know if you should look so happy about being stalked.”
“I don’t know. He looked genuinely shocked to see me.”
“So, what kind of ‘moment’ did you enjoy with him, exactly?” Diane didn’t look like she was buying it.
“The kind that usually involves the exchange of phone numbers. But,” Kim sighed, “he’s married.”
“Well, that’s a shame.”
“You’re telling me.”
Diane’s eyebrows shot up as she glanced past Kim. “Well, hello, there,” she said under her breath.
Kim turned to see Katsu, tall and handsome, walking toward them with grace and purpose. Kim straightened up.
“Hello, Kim.”
She lost herself in his eyes for a moment before Diane cleared her throat, and Kim fumbled for words.
“Katsu. What are you doing here?”
He turned to Diane and smiled. “Would you excuse us, miss?”
“Sure thing, honey,” she said, then winked at Kim. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Kim’s stomach flipped as she wondered if he wanted what she thought he wanted. She’d been stared at, pawed, and hit on more times every day than she cared to think about. She’d been offered money, jewelry, even a car once, for sex. The encounters typically ended up with her physically assaulting the asker of ‘the question.’
She chewed her lip, upset because she was unsure if she would turn him down. She would never take a penny from him, but she had a feeling she would do anything he asked, and the thought was more than a little alarming.
Katsu tilted his head. “Are you all right, Kim?”
“Not really,” she said, and took a breath. “I think I know why you’re here, and I’m not sure I want you to say what you want out loud.”
His eyes dropped to the ground, and he seemed ashamed.
I knew it, Kim thought, dismayed.
Katsu glanced back at her. “May I explain myself and ask you a question?”
She nodded as the knot in her stomach twisted tighter.
He took a breath. “I know that you saw this.” He held up his left hand and wiggled his ring finger. “I am sure that you also realize I am not American, by birth at least.”
“Yes, I noticed both, quite early on,” she said, trying to keep her cool as her heart raced.
His face softened, and she thought he looked a little bit dejected, though it was hard to tell with his calm exterior. “I am married, but my marriage was arranged. We did not choose each other. Our relationship is business.”
She wondered if she was married to a man like him, if she would feel like it was business. She was almost positive she wouldn’t, and she felt for the other woman. “Does your wife feel the same way?”
“No, she does not.”
His voice was sad, and Kim was only more confused. “So she loves you, but you don’t love her?”
“Her version of love is defined by how much power you hold over the other. I am only a possession to her.”
“And how would she feel knowing you were about to proposition a cocktail waitress in Vegas?”
He straightened up. “Proposition? You think …” He laughed, and her brow quirked. “That is not what I planned on asking you.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
His smile fell. “Has this happened before?”
She shrugged. “I’m a showgirl in Las Vegas. Of course it’s happened. I’ve never accepted.”
“Well, that is a relief.”
She laughed, despite herself. “All right, Tanaka Katsu. What’s your question?”
“Will you allow me to take you to dinner?”
Her nerves crept back in as she considered. “Dinner? Just dinner?”
He looked down at her lovely face, and his hand almost moved to touch her cheek. He closed his fist before answering. “Kim, I have not stopped thinking about you, not since I first saw you. I had to ask.”
His heart banged in his chest as he fought his rogue nerves, something he wasn’t used to dealing with. The idea that he could have her, the thought that he could feel for someone was overwhelming. So much so, in fact, that he barely recognized himself. Kim had had him twisted into a new shape, and the compulsion to know her was more than he could stand.
“Do you have kids?” Kim’s voice sounded sure, but he heard anxiety under the surface, could see it in her body as she waited for him to answer.
“No, we have no children.” He couldn’t imagine the thought of Yuki raising his children, not anymore. The notion felt more like a nightmare.
He watched her, and the anticipation of her answer hung over them.
Kim’s brain shuffled out the pros and cons as he waited in front of her, strung as tight as a piano wire. Her list was decidedly lopsided. She could think of only a few pros, including: he was gorgeous, he was very clearly interested in her, and she had the inexplicable, undeniable urge to say yes. Somehow, those three points outweighed the cons by a landslide.
“Okay, Katsu. Just dinner.”
His shoulders relaxed, though he hadn’t realized they had been tense. “Do you work tonight?”
“It just so happens that I’m off. One of the girls called earlier and asked to pick up my shift.”
His sly smile returned. “Well, that is convenient.”
Kim slipped her foot into her silk stocking, spreading her fingers out as she pulled it over her calf, up her thigh. She clipped it to her garter and grabbed the other as she wondered what in the world she was doing.
It was just dinner. With a married man.
With garters.
Kim shook her head as she pulled on her other stocking. She stood and fluffed her feathered hair, then leaned forward to inspect her makeup again.
What the hell am I doing?
A hundred emotions buzzed around in her mind along with the hundred butterflies in her stomach. She hoped, not for the first time that night, that she wasn’t going to throw up.
She thought about his wife again and wondered who she was and why he seemed to have such contempt for her. He could be lying about her, about sleeping with her, even about having kids. Why should she believe him? She barely knew him. His wife could be at home pining for him with no idea that he was about to knock on Kim’s door to take her to dinner. Kim didn’t want to ruin a marriage. The thought that she could be the reason that relationship failed made her want to call the whole thing off.
But what if he was telling the truth? What then? What if he was trapped in a loveless marriage, and they hit it off at dinner? They had chemistry, that was certain. But what if it turned into more? Would he consider leaving his wife? Would she want him to?
The line between right and wrong was no longer recognizable.
Kim couldn’t shake the feeling that she was meant to go. The pull was bordering on physical, as if her body would take the initiative on its own whether she liked it or not. She couldn’t explain it, and even though a large part of her brain protested, she wanted to go. She needed to.
I need a plan.
Kim took her black dress off the hanger, stepped into it, and reached behind her to zip it up awkwardly. It was just a meal. They could talk, get to know each other. See if there was more to it. M
aybe the hold he had on her was infatuation, and that she was all aflutter because he was so gorgeous. Maybe it was his power, or just the mystery of it all. Or perhaps it was the fact that he was so far out of her reach, on paper. Not only was he unavailable, but he lived thousands of miles away. She thought that maybe once he was gone, she would never hear from him again, never think of him past whatever time they shared.
A little voice in her heart whispered the truth as she tried to convince herself her feelings were nothing.
She fluffed her hair again and picked up her heels, taking a seat at her vanity to slip them on, trying to set her mind to resist him. But when she opened the door and saw him standing there, her resolution dissolved, and it took all of her power to keep her thoughts in order.
Kim laid her fork on her plate, and their waiter came by and cleared the table. When she turned to Katsu, she caught him staring and blushed. He picked up the bottle of wine from the chiller and filled her glass.
“You look lovely, Kim.”
She smiled. “You already said that.”
“It is worth repeating.” He reached across the table and laid his hand on hers.
His touch was hot and soft, and she felt her cheeks flush deeper. “So, Katsu, tell me about yourself.”
“You first. Where are you from?”
She chuckled softly. “Osawatomie, Kansas.”
“That sounds Japanese.”
“It does a little, doesn’t it? I imagine it’s about as far removed from Japan as a city could get.”
“What is it like growing up in Osawatomie, Kansas?”
“The kids sled in the winter and get drunk at the Asylum Bridge in the summer. Pretty much like any small town in the Midwest. My father was a surgeon in the hospital there. When I was little, I loved to dance, so my mom would drive me an hour to Kansas City for dance lessons every week. When I graduated, I moved to Vegas with my best friend, but she only lasted a few years before she went back to Kansas. I never wanted to go back.”
“Why not?”
“I dunno. I like Vegas. Sure, it’s loud and hot and dirty. But it’s also beautiful. No one can look out at the Strip at night and deny that.” She pulled her hand away from his and lifted her wine glass. “I do miss my family, but I made a home for myself in Vegas, and there are opportunities for me here. More than exist in Kansas, that’s for sure.” She took a sip of wine. “Your turn. Where did you grow up?”
She noticed something change in his face, as if some door inside of him closed, and she wondered what lay behind it.
“I grew up in Tokyo before I moved to America a little over two years ago.”
“Oh, right.” Kim paused for a moment. “So, Tokyo? I’ve always wanted to go.” She pursed her lips, realizing as she said it that she sounded like she was fishing for an invitation. “You know, some day. Doesn’t everyone want to go to Tokyo?” She rambled, then shut herself up with her wine.
He smiled. “Tokyo is an amazing city. All of my family is still there, my brothers.”
“Do you ever go back? Do you miss it?”
“Business takes me back, on occasion. And yes, I miss it, but I do love New York.”
“So, what company do you work for?”
The question shot through Katsu. There was no way to tell her without lying, and that was something he would not do. She set down her wine glass, her face open and relaxed as she waited for his answer. The answer that he didn’t want to give. The answer that would shift everything.
“Kim, there are some things that I need to tell you. I want you to know everything before this goes any further.”
She straightened up in her seat. “There’s more?”
He nodded.
Kim took a breath with her eyes on her wine. She had no idea what to make of him, or what he was about to tell her, but something about the way he spoke sent a fresh wave of apprehension through her. She took a long pull of her wine, then another deep breath.
“Okay. Shoot.”
His eyes were dark, his lips flat, expressionless. “You know some of my life, but I need you to know everything.” He paused, seeming to search for words. “I am in the Yakuza. Do you know what that is?”
Her neck and cheeks tingled, and she tried to slow her breath before she fainted. Japanese mafia. Holy shit, Kim. What did you get yourself into? “Yes, I’m familiar.”
“My marriage is a business deal that I cannot back out of. Her father is my boss, and I cannot leave her, Kim. Leaving would shame him, and I would pay for the disgrace with my life.”
A chill worked its way down her body, settling in her stomach. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“I will not lie to you, not ever.”
“I need a minute.” Kim shifted in her chair and picked up her wine glass again. She drank deeply, wondering why she hadn’t walked away. “Let’s talk about your job for a minute. Do you hurt people?”
“Only when necessary.”
“Communications?” Her chest was tight, and she couldn’t keep the skepticism out of her voice.
“I am still new to the American clan, though my marriage gives me status within. I am not a thug.”
“I figured as much by your Rolex.” She twisted her napkin in her lap, her eye trained on the table in front of her. “I’m not sure what all of this means.”
“Kim, look at me, please.”
When her eyes met his, the pressure in her chest let up. “You said that you don’t love her. Have you ever?”
“I thought I could, once,” he said soberly, quietly. “No. I could not love her, and she does not love me. She wishes to possess me. Her father has given her everything, and she expects me to do the same. She believes that she should have whatever she wants, and will do what she can to make sure she gets it. I tried to honor our marriage, to love her, but how can you love someone who only loves herself?”
Pain and regret were clear in his face, but she pressed on, needing answers. “Do you sleep with her?”
“Not in either sense of the word. We have not shared a bed in close to a year.”
Part of her relaxed, relieved, and another shot to attention as she wondered how many women he had asked into his bed. “Have you ever done…this before?”
“No. Kim, you must understand that I never believed I would find anyone else. I never thought to look. I had conceded to live my life alone in my marriage.”
“Why me, Katsu?”
“I do not know why, but I feel that we are bound together, somehow. That I was meant to ask you to dinner tonight, to trust you with my secrets. I do not understand it, but I do know that I want you, and I think that you feel the same way. Am I wrong?” He laid his open hand on the table.
Kim’s thoughts spun around in her head as she looked down at his hand waiting for her own.
Overwhelmed didn’t seem a strong enough word to label her feelings. The whole thing was crazy. After everything he had told her, how could she even consider it? And what would it mean if she said yes? She would be happy with just one night, but if it turned into more, she didn’t have a clue how she might handle it. And if she fell in love with a man who could never give himself to her? That was a pain she didn’t know if she could endure.
But, even at all of that, she knew her answer. She would deal with anything past that night when it happened, if it happened.
Kim slipped her hand into his, and his long fingers wrapped around her own.
“You’re right, I do feel the same way,” she said, “but this … this is terrifying.”
His thumb skimmed her knuckles. “I know. I can never give you everything. I cannot go forward without you knowing this.” His eyes begged her to understand. “I do not want to hurt you.”
She believed him, not sure why, but knowing that he spoke the truth. He was like a shooting star: if she could only have him for a moment, she would take it. She laid her trust and her heart in his hands, believing that what he said, he meant.
“All right, Ka
tsu. I trust you.”
I Already Am
AS KATSU AND KIM WALKED up to the fountains at Caesars Palace, he was cautious, worried that she would bolt. She had been almost silent since they left the restaurant, and he had followed her lead, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts, knowing how much pressure he’d put on her.
They stopped at the head of the fountain where a statue of an angel stood. The lights at her base shrouded her wings in shadows, and her robes flowed around her as she took a step. Kim’s face glowed from the soft light as she lifted it up to the statue, and the sound of the fountain’s waterfalls rained around them.
“How does this work, Katsu?” She didn’t meet his eyes.
“I do not quite know. I am here for work, but when I am free, I would like to see you, if you would have me.”
He waited patiently for her next question, wanting her to ask him anything. Wanting her to be certain.
“How long will you be here?” she asked. “And when will you be back?”
“Through the week. And … I am not sure.”
“Will I really see you again after you leave?”
Katsu opened his mouth to answer, but she stopped him.
“No, you know what? I don’t want to know.” She looked up at him. “It’s easier this way.”
His stomach clenched, but he didn’t blame her for wanting to keep him at arm’s length. He touched her cheek and tucked her hair behind her ear. “All right.”
“Is this dangerous for me?” The light reflected off her bright eyes, the worry behind them clear.
“There is a risk. I am not important enough yet to have made enemies. But, over time, you could become a tool to be used against me. I will protect you, Kim. By pulling you into this, I am responsible for you.”
“I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything,” she tried to joke, but her voice was full of an emotion that Katsu couldn’t place. It sounded tight, like she was trying to swallow the feeling down.
“It is an obligation that I want. One that would make me happy.”
She turned back to the fountain. “I don’t know why I’m agreeing to this. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re married, you don’t live here, you’re a gangster, and I could be in danger. I don’t even know you. And still, my heart tells me to stay.” She took a deep breath and turned to him. “Please, don’t ask me for more than tonight. And tomorrow, don’t ask me for more than that. Give me time. Can you promise me that?”