by Staci Hart
She bit her lip and reached behind Jon’s reclined seat for her bag, finding the opening to slip her hand in. She leaned awkwardly across the arm rest, her back cramping as she fished around for her sunglasses but came up empty. There was no leaning any farther over, either, not without letting go of the wheel, so she bit her lip as she found the strap and gave it a good tug, trying to maintain some gentility. The force jostled his seat despite her efforts, and he stirred.
He rubbed his eyes and squinted as she sat back down, defeated. “Fuck Jo, I’m sorry. What time is it?” He scrunched up his face as he looked at the clock on the dash, trying to make out the time. “You should have woken me.”
“It’s all right. Did you get some rest?”
“Yeah, a bit. You doin’ okay?”
“I feel like I belong in Evil Dead, but I’m hanging in there. Let’s stop for breakfast if you’re hungry?”
“Starvin’.” He shifted and straightened his seat back. He glanced around. “Where are we?”
“Just outside of Sioux Falls.” She reached back and dragged her bag into her lap.
“I wonder how far we are behind him?”
“I don’t know. Hopefully we’ll get a call from one of the motels on the list.” Her fingers grazed her glasses, and she pulled them out of her bag, slipping them onto her face with relief.
“Well, you sent it to about a hundred. I’d hope that we’d get at least one call.”
The comment filled her with unease. “I actually sent it to closer to three hundred, but as of right now he would have only stopped at four out of all of those. There’s no way every hotel saw it or cared,” she said, beginning to realize something very crucial, something she hadn’t fully considered. “Half of them probably went into the trash, and if they didn’t, who’s to say it was even posted somewhere that another attendant would see it?” She just kept rambling, suddenly feeling like their entire plan was futile. They were chasing a ghost.
“Don’t think that way, Jo. We’ll just stick to the plan. There’s really only one way into Washington from here. We can head him off in Spokane and work backwards. We’ll get a lead. I’m certain of it.”
“It’s going to be close, Jon, because we are working with a lot of what-if’s.”
“Something will pan out. I have to believe that.”
“What if we don’t make it? What if …”
“We will. Let’s focus on making sure you’ve talked to somebody at every cash motel starting with Spokane. Go through your list again and call the ones you couldn’t get a hold of. If we can make sure that every one of them knows he’s coming and that there’s money in it for them if they call, I have to believe that they’ll take us up on it and rat Rhodes out.”
“But what if he’s not even on this route? I mean, what if he’s in Tijuana or California or—”
“We’ve been through all this, Jo,” he answered, and she took a breath, comforted for the moment, at least. “It’s gonna be okay. This is the best we’ve got, so let’s see it through. We’ll figure out what’s next when we get there. All right?”
Josie nodded with her eyes on the road, pushing her nerves away as they exited the highway and made for the Waffle House just off the service road.
They climbed out of the Jeep, and Josie tried not to think of Rhodes. Her arms and legs were aching, her hips and knees stiff from sitting so long, and she considered finding a patch of grass to do yoga on, but was too tired to bother. She caught sight of Jon as he stretched with his eyes closed and arms in the air. His elbows popped as he arched his back, and his shirt lifted up to show the ‘v’ that his hips made down into his jeans. She caught herself biting her lip and smoothed her face out before he opened his eyes.
She followed him to the door, which he held open for her, and they sat down at a booth. Her mind was still on Rhodes, and unease sank into her bones, into her brain as she sat across from Jon.
“You’re still worrying, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you trust me, Josie?”
The question caught her off guard. Did she trust him? It was such a simple question. If he had asked her two days before, she would have said no without even needing to consider, but after everything that happened, she had changed. The thought was upsetting, to have all that she knew demolished, to have to rebuild everything on the rubble of what was once there.
Even still, she knew the answer. She’d always known the answer. “I do.”
“We’re going to find him. If not through this route, then through the next one or the one after that.”
He believed every word, and his conviction broke her heart open.
She could only nod.
They ordered breakfast and went over their plans, falling into silence when their food hit the table. Josie pushed her food around her plate as memories flooded her mind, uncorked by the awareness of how much she’d changed since Anne died. Moments flashed through her thoughts. Following Rhodes around his life every day. Hannah lying on a slab in a body bag. Anne as Josie found her that night, the sound of dripping water.
What terrified her most was when she saw herself from the outside, lonely and obsessed. Something essential in her had splintered and fractured, burst into pieces, and the shards would cut anyone who tried to touch her. They were protection, and they were her cage. She was too broken to love, too wounded to heal, and no one knew because no one could help her.
But of everyone in the world, Josie knew that Jon would understand.
Her heart cracked open a slit, calling his name. She wanted him, but panic at the thought of being with him wound through her chest, climbed up her throat. It was all too much, the room too bright, too hot as sweat beaded on her forehead, and her lungs burned like she was drowning. She tried to swallow down the hysteria, holding her breath for a few seconds to break up the panic attack that was slowly taking over her body.
Josie pushed her coffee away and downed the small glass of water, then reached for her fork and tried to take a bite of her breakfast. The potatoes were like sandpaper in her mouth, and the thought alone of the eggs made her stomach churn. The sounds of the diner were amplified, the clinking of plates and silverware assaulting her ears. She laid her fork down and sat back in her seat as every bite she had eaten raced back up.
She swallowed hard.
Jon eyed her. “You okay, Jo? You’re looking a little green.”
Josie smiled, trying for reassuring. “Yeah, just need a minute. I’ll be right back.” She laid her napkin on the table and raced for the restroom, closing the door behind her as soon as she was across the threshold. She leaned against it and closed her eyes.
You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay, just breathe deep. You’re not going to have a heart attack, just get a grip.
She opened her eyes and walked to the sinks, feeling like a crazy person when she looked at her reflection, green and pale under the fluorescent lights of the diner bathroom. The water was ice-cold when she rinsed her face, then wet a few paper towels and pressed them to the back of her neck, hoping to all that was holy that she wasn’t about to get on her hands and knees and hug porcelain in a Waffle House.
The way out was to rationalize. If she could quantify worry, she would calm down, she knew. So she started with Rhodes, the one logical piece of the puzzle. They had done everything they could possibly do, deployed every plan they had. Everything was in motion. They would catch him, or they wouldn’t, and whatever the outcome was, she had to move forward.
But moving forward was a dream, a mirage. She didn’t know if she would ever heal, didn’t even know how to live a normal life anymore. Didn’t understand how to participate in a world where Anne was gone and Rhodes was free. But for the first time since Anne died, she remembered what it was like to live. Jon had given that to her.
All Jon had done was try to help, try to be there for her even when she pushed him away. He never gave up, and she didn’t think he ever would. She just didn’t know how to
let him in, or if she could. Not after everything she’d been through. Not after losing Anne.
The cool water dripped down her neck and into the sink as she stared down at the holes in the drain. She pulled in a deep breath, trying to calm her frantic heart, hoping it was only sleep that she needed, that fatigue had pushed her to the edge. Hoped she’d wake up feeling better, with a fresh perspective and a handle on her emotions, but she wondered if she’d ever let go of her past, ever find a way to stitch herself back together to be a part of the world again.
Josie was in the bathroom long enough that Jon almost flagged the waitress to check on her, but she’d dragged herself back to the table looking like a rag doll before he had a chance.
He opened his mouth to speak as soon as she sat down. “Jo—”
She held up a hand. “I know. I’m fine, really. I’m just so tired. I’ll be right as soon as I get some rest.”
He didn’t believe a word, but didn’t push her. “You barely ate. Want anything to go?”
She looked like she might barf as she shook her head.
He dug the keys out of his pocket and passed them across the table. “Go on and get settled in while I pay our bill.”
She fumbled for her bag. “I have cash.”
“ Just go on, and I’ll get this one. You can get the next one.”
She just nodded and slipped out of the booth. The fact that she didn’t argue worried him more than anything.
He waited in line and paid for their breakfast, trying to figure out what was the matter with her, compiling a list of questions for when they got on the road again. But by the time he reached the Jeep, she was already tucked under the blanket, asleep and looking feverish. She didn’t even stir when he started the car.
As they drove through South Dakota, Josie mumbled and shifted in her sleep. Every second ratcheted his anxiety as he stressed about her, wondering if it was just Rhodes she was upset about or if there was more to it. Her legs jerked, jolting his pacing thoughts. He looked over at her when she whimpered, then scanned the road, looking for a place to stop. He spotted a motel just off the interstate in a tiny town ahead.
“Fuck it,” he mumbled and took the exit. When the Jeep came to a stop in front of the office, she cracked her eyes open.
“Are we there?” Her voice was scratchy and dry.
“We stopped early. You need real sleep, Jo.”
She sat up huffing and waved him off. “I’m fine.”
His brow dropped with his tone. “No, you’re not. Don’t argue with me, all right? Just this once?”
Josie sat up with her head feeling like a hot air balloon. She looked in the visor mirror at her red cheeks and eyes, her lips swollen from sleep threaded with nightmares. They hadn’t been so disturbing, so real, since just after Anne died. The sun was blinding, beating through the window, and all she wanted was a shower, blackout curtains, and a pillow.
She looked back at Jon, weary and beaten. “All right. I won’t fight you.”
“It’s a miracle. Stay here and I’ll get us a room.”
He exited the car and made his way into the small office to find a skinny kid behind the counter in a t-shirt that said I only sleep with the best with the name of the hotel underneath it. He smiled a toothy grin as Jon approached, thinking it was strange that the entire lobby smelled like roses when there wasn’t a single flower in sight.
“Hello, sir. How are you today?”
“Tired.” Jon leaned on the counter and pulled out his wallet. “I need a room with two double or queen beds.”
He frowned. “I’m sorry, but there’s a family reunion this week, and the rooms we have left only have a king and a couch.”
Jon ran a hand over his mouth. Josie wouldn’t be happy about there being only one bed, and would probably assume he did it on purpose, but they didn’t have a choice. He’d give her the bed, and he could take the couch. Anything beat a bucket seat in his Jeep.
“I’ll take it.” He handed over his card.
“Sounds good.”
The kid ran his card and checked him in, then gave him his keys and pointed in the general direction of their room. Jon thanked him and walked back to the car, eyeing Josie, who leaned against the window with heavy lids.
“Bad news,” he said as he climbed in and started the Jeep. “There’s only one bed.”
“Fuck, are you kidding me?” She groaned and gave him a look.
“No, there’s a family reunion going on.” He pulled around to park near the stairs where their room was.
“Only in Bumscrew, South Dakota.”
“Don’t worry, Jo. There’s a couch, I’ll be fine there.” He parked the car, and they both got out.
“Don’t be an idiot, Jon. You’re six-foot-four. You’re pushing giant status. Just sleep in the bed with me, but remember that if you touch me, I’ll break every bone in whichever limb disobeys.”
He laughed as he grabbed their bags. “Noted.”
They dragged themselves into the hotel, and Josie rummaged around in her bag for her pajamas and toiletries.
“Shower,” she grumbled and headed for the bathroom.
Jon plugged in their phones and Josie’s laptop as she showered, then prepped the room for rest, closing the curtains and adjusting the furnace. All the while, he worried over her, hoping she was all right. That sleep would serve her well, and she’d wake up right and rested.
The door opened, and Josie walked out of the bathroom in front of a cloud of steam. Her wet hair was in a bun, and he could see the curve of her naked breasts under her v-neck. His eyes followed the long line of her bare legs in sleep shorts, down to her feet. His breath caught in his throat, and he fought the urge to get up and pull her into his arms. He wanted to let her hair down, let it fall all over him, wanted to run his nose down her neck to smell her soap, wanted to—
Stop.
She fell face-first into bed, falling asleep almost instantly, the comforter rising and falling with her breath. He took a long, cold shower and pulled on his sleep pants with chattering teeth before slipping into bed next to her, overwhelmed by her nearness. She was close enough to touch, but so far out of his reach, and he counted all of his mistakes as he slowly fell asleep.
Dust motes danced in the sunlight of Josie’s living room as she sat across from Hannah Mills’ parents with Anne at her side, watched their tears fall as they begged for help finding who took their daughter. Their tears fell as they embraced, and their bodies came together, melting into each other, joined by a single tear that ran backwards into an eye, Rhodes’ eye. His face was placid as he lied to Josie about Hannah. She knew he took the girl, her mind screaming that he was a killer as she sat in his living room sipping lemonade.
She stood and touched the cold doorknob, opened the door, and she was crossing the threshold of her own apartment just as it was the night he killed Anne. She relived every moment as she pulled her gun, stepped over Anne’s blood, pushed the bathroom door open, and there she was, her dead eyes staring at nothing. But the bathtub wasn’t full of water. It was full of blood, dried in her hair, sticky like wet paint.
So much blood.
She climbed in and held Anne’s face in her crimson hands as the blood began to rise, climbing up her body. She screamed and grabbed the shower curtain, pulling it off the rings with a string of pops, then gripped the edge of the tub, her fingers slipping as it dragged her down until only her eyes and nose and lips were free.
Then it pulled her under.
Hands were on her shoulders, pulling her out, bringing her back. Saving her. She heard her name.
Her eyes flew open, and she was in the hotel. Jon hovered over her, worry creasing his face as he searched hers. A sob escaped her throat, clenched tight and burning.
“Josie.” The tenderness in his voice unraveled her, and she cried into his bare chest, the sound broken and choked.
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair, whispering into her ear that it would be all right, tha
t he was there, saying shhh in a way that healed her and hurt her, breaking her over and over again. He leaned back, and she lifted her face to his. Without any thought, their lips came together as if it was a thing meant to be.
She was everything he remembered, her lips soft and hot, and every curve of her body he knew by heart and memory. His hands were in her hair unraveling her bun, his lips against hers as he kissed her with all the love in his heart, all the pain, all of the want and wishing. And for that long moment, everything in the world was right.
He pulled away and looked down at her, thumbing her wet cheek. Her eyes were so deep, so dark, her lashes long and sweeping as she looked up at him, begging him.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
She nodded and tried to pull him closer, but he stayed put. She was too upset. He saw fear in her eyes, and worry trumped his want.
“I mean it,” he whispered as he touched her hair. “Josie, it’s been a crazy couple of days, and I think maybe we should talk—”
She reached up and stopped his words with a kiss, a slow, hungry kiss that banished every thought for just a second before he found his wits and pulled away again.
“I’m serious, Jo. I don’t want to mess this up a second time.”
Josie just looked up at him, dumbfounded and hurt, too fragile to deal. All that she wanted was to be touched, not think or decide or talk, just feel. It was all she could give him, but he wanted more.
Her tears spilled over and down her cheeks. “I can’t,” she whispered.
“Then we should wait.”
“No,” she said through her tears.
“Yes,” he whispered and pulled her close. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” Her breath was shaky as she pushed him away. “Nothing is okay.” She sat and swung her legs off the side of the bed. “I don’t want to think, and I don’t want to talk. I just wanted you to not ask questions. That’s all I wanted.”
Jon was propped up on his elbow, staring at her as she hunched over the edge of the bed. He touched her back, wanting her to turn and face him, but she shrugged away from his hand. The action stung worse than her words could have.