by Savi Sharma
As I rested, I thought about Vivaan and Radha. I loved him, but could I settle for being his friend? Did I dare reveal the depth of my feelings to him? And if he did return some of my affection, would I be chasing the ghost of Radha all the time?
My tears started to flow again as the rain fell harder. I wanted to talk to Vivaan again and thought about turning back to descend the path. No. I had come this far and the path to Chor Darwaja was close. I had never taken this path before because it was a steep climb. But the idea of seeing the ‘hidden door’ tempted me on. Perhaps, if I made it to that door, I could find the hidden door to Vivaan’s heart? It was foolish, but I was beyond rational at that point.
I began to climb the steep, rocky path, clutching tightly to the metal railing.
What was that? I thought I heard my name being called out. But that was impossible.
On a particularly difficult part, I stopped, breathless. I needed to rest; my legs were wobbly and the rain had made the rocks slippery. As I recovered a little, I turned around to take in the beautiful view. Ah … I felt like I could touch heaven from here.
I smiled, a contented peace taking over my body, but then I thought of Vivaan and realized how wrong I was to run away. I closed my eyes and saw the pain in his. Yes, he loved her. He was capable of great love, but that immense love also made him vulnerable to immense pain.
It must have taken so much courage to open up and tell me about Radha. He ran halfway around the world to avoid his memories of her, but he came back and chose to face those memories to tell me about them.
And when he finally managed to tell me, how did I respond? I took all that pain and turned my back. I could barely acknowledge the horror that he had gone through, and the effort it took for him to recall that day; I’d crumbled up the story and thrown it back at him.
I felt such shame. All I could think about were his words when he’d said he could not love me. That intimate conversation, his loved one, raped and murdered on his wedding day … all of it was eclipsed by my reaction when he said he couldn’t love me.
I needed to get back to him. To apologize, to heal him. I wanted to remind him that life should go on. We lost, we mourned, but as long as we lived, we could love again.
I nodded firmly. It was time to go back to Kafe Kabir.
It happened so suddenly. I let go of the metal railing to brush the damp hair from my face as I took one last look at the view. I began to focus on the steep steps I needed to descend, when my foot slipped on the rock. I started to fall, reaching desperately for the railing, but my hand couldn’t find it in my blind search.
I began to tumble, the rocks smashing my body and I let out a terrified scream.
Mercifully, darkness came rushing and I felt no more pain.
VIVAAN
23
Oblivion
Meera left in such a hurry that I knew I’d hurt her. I started to rush after her, but I didn’t think I could do her much good while I was in such a state myself. I had pulled off a long-guarded bandage and showed her the deep wound that I had hidden from her for so long.
I went for a long walk, trying to collect my thoughts. I wanted to be in a better frame of mind when she came back.
Hours later I returned and went back to the table in the corner. Kabir grabbed the seat that had been occupied by Meera.
‘I heard your whole story and what you told Meera,’ Kabir said and then took a deep breath. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I want you to know how proud I am of you that you faced your past and told Meera about your Radha.’
I winced, hearing Kabir say her name. But I nodded. ‘Thank you, my friend. And now you know why I ran, too. I owe you an apology as well for not saying goodbye. I treated your friendship badly.’
‘We all make mistakes, Vivaan,’ he responded. ‘And we move past them. You are a dear friend and I am happy you’re back.’
I took a sip, glad to have our friendship on good terms once more.
Kabir continued. ‘Meera loves you very much.’
I sighed. ‘I already told her that I cannot feel the same way for her.’
Kabir shook his head. ‘That’s the point I am trying to make. You love her just as much as she loves you. I don’t understand why you are locking up your heart, Vivaan. You are punishing yourself! You don’t need to love her like Radha; you just need to love her like Meera,’ Kabir pointed out.
‘That’s the thing I was trying to tell her,’ I said, frustrated. ‘I can’t love anyone. Period. That is why I left without saying goodbye. I know she likes me, but I can’t love her back.’
A shadow on the backdoor caught my eye. I thought for sure I’d seen someone standing there, but I guess it was just the way the light had hit it.
‘I loved Radha and will always love her. I cannot just turn a switch and say that I will not love her anymore. I know Meera was pretty upset and angry with me, but I decided it was best to be upfront about this.’
Kabir looked at me with his eyebrows raised in disapproval. ‘Do you know the worst thing a man can do to a woman?’
I shrugged. ‘I am assuming it is being unfaithful.’
‘No, it is making her fall in love with you when you have no intentions of loving her back.’
I looked down without making eye contact with Kabir. He was right. I felt shame erupt in me once again.
~
‘Kabir! Vivaan! We must get to the hospital quickly!’ Nisha said as she hung up the phone. My heart lurched as I heard the terror in her voice.
‘Why? What is going on?’ I asked.
‘It is Meera! She was in an accident.’
Without another word, we all rushed out of the café and got into Kabir’s car.
‘Where was she?’ I demanded.
‘She went to Rajgad,’ Nisha said.
‘Rajgad?’ I yelled. ‘Why did she go there? And what happened?’
Nisha shook her head. ‘I don’t know, Vivaan. Let’s get to the hospital and find out what happened.’
How could this have happened? Was she very angry and not paying attention? I thought.
We reached the hospital and inquired about Meera. Minutes slipped into hours as we waited desperately outside the emergency ward for the doctor to come out and tell us something. I just knew there was an accident. I felt as if I was helpless again, as I was when Radha disappeared. There was nothing I could do for Meera as she lay in that room.
Tragedy surrounded those I loved and I couldn’t help but wonder why.
I continued to pace. Then I sat back down, wrapping my arms around me. I cried, rocking myself back and forth in the chair.
‘Tell me again, Nisha,’ I said when I could speak again. ‘Rajgad?’
‘That’s what her text said,’ Nisha responded, her voice thick with tears. Kabir held her tighter.
‘But why?’
‘She was escaping,’ Kabir said. It was too ironic. I dropped my head to my chest and started sobbing.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up. Nisha was trying to get my attention because the doctor was approaching us. I was hopeful and terrified at the same time as I searched his face for some sign.
‘She has been stabilized,’ the doctor said quietly. ‘Her body is badly broken, but we have done all we can for now.’
‘What happened?’ I demanded.
‘I’m not sure. The reports are that she somehow fell while climbing to the fort. Luckily some other hikers were close by and called the emergency personnel. A helicopter got to her pretty quickly and brought her here. Please excuse me; I need to get back.’
‘Can I go in and talk to her?’ I asked.
‘Sir,’ he said cautiously, ‘she is stabilized, but at the moment, she is still unconscious. She will not be talking to you until she gains consciousness. We’re moving her to the Intensive Care Unit.�
�
‘Intensive Care Unit?’ Kabir said. ‘I thought you said she was stable?’
‘She is stable enough that we can move her. She is still in a serious condition. But she is unconscious, and the longer she is unconscious, the greater the chance that there are critical problems that are life-threatening.’
The doctor’s words ripped out my heart.
How long had I been there? Was it hours? Minutes? I couldn’t remember as I looked around and followed the doctors after they moved Meera to the Intensive Care Unit. People seemed to be suffering in this ward. Every single one of them was facing a life-and-death condition. Some were ill from diseases, while others were like Meera, broken from accidents.
Meera’s face was swollen, and her eyelids were shut. Her head was wrapped in bandages, and she was hooked to machines that made her breathe. I didn’t know what all the machines did, but I knew that the sounds were driving me nuts. I felt as if this was my fault. I wasn’t the person she thought she had known. I was the person who told her about Radha and broke her heart. She stormed off in her car, climbed the fort and ended up in an accident; now I was praying for her life.
‘I will stay here. Please, go home and rest. I want to be with her when she wakes up,’ I said firmly to Kabir and Nisha.
I sat in a chair next to Meera. IVs were in her delicate hand and a breathing tube was in her mouth.
I felt that she was in a state of oblivion, a web of medical instruments trying to keep her alive. My eyes stared at the blinking red and green lights as she fought for her existence. I realized I was fighting for my breath as well.
‘What I have done?’ I said softly to her. I had a chance to feel love again, and this is how I treated it. Kabir was right; the worst thing a man could do was make a woman fall in love with him and have no intention to love her back. That was what I had done to Meera.
I held her hand as I started sobbing next to her. My eyes were locked on her and I was silently begging her to respond. Her eyes didn’t flicker. The noises of the machines told me what her body wasn’t doing for her. It tore me apart seeing her in this condition.
‘Meera!’ I said. ‘I gifted you things because I loved you. I cared for you because I loved you. I kissed you because I loved you. I loved you every moment. I always had. That was the real reason I came back to India. I couldn’t go a day without thinking about you. You were my whole world, and I felt so guilty that I was supposed to still love Radha. Oh, Meera! If I lose you, I lose my whole life. You gave me a reason to live. You got me to get up and chase my dreams. And now look at you. You are stuck in a hospital bed with tubes and machines keeping you alive. Wake up, my love. If you wake up, I can tell you everything and how I feel. I will find a way to deal with Radha’s death. I just don’t think I am going to be able to bear it if you die. I won’t be able to handle it at all.’
Every so often nurses came in and worked on Meera. They would write on her clipboard. Some of the nurses tried to talk to me, others would ignore me. I didn’t care. I held Meera’s hand and refused to go anywhere. When the day become night, I propped myself up on the chair as I held her hand and would doze off. The sounds of the machines didn’t give me a good night’s sleep, but I wanted to be there, holding her hand, if she woke up. She would know the truth and know that deep down inside she could never replace Radha, but she could find another piece of my heart that would be just for her.
Some pieces of life find themselves so attached to our mind that when they are gone, they remind us of themselves a lot more than before. Yet someday we will realize that every piece becomes blurry, every memory starts fading. Just like an old book.
24
Squeeze My Hand
Hours turned into days and days turned into a week. I was exhausted and looked like hell when Kabir and Nisha came in and dropped off food for me.
‘How is she?’ Kabir asked.
I shrugged. ‘The doctor said she has brain activity, which is good. Other than that, she still hasn’t regained consciousness. She is still in a coma. I am scared of losing her. I should have told her how I really feel, but I was trying to protect myself from this. Here I am in a hospital room, going through this again.’
‘Vivaan, you need to go home and shower. Take a few hours and go take care of yourself. You need to at least shave—you have a beard now,’ Nisha pointed out.
‘I can’t go anywhere until Meera wakes up.’ I felt almost childish as I made this announcement, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her side.
The nurses encouraged me to talk to her. Sometimes, I told her stories about my trip; other times, I just told her what was in my heart.
I admitted to her that, through my journeys, I realized that one can never run from one’s own self, one’s own soul.
‘The day we met, I was almost frozen.…You were so beautiful that I wanted to speak to you, but I was afraid to utter a word. I held my breath and wanted to stop time. Right from the start I knew that I had found a home for my heart.’
A nurse came in and I stopped talking. She gestured for me to continue.
‘Meera, you turned my world upside down. You give me immense happiness … you are my soul. My love, I don’t want to look back in five years’ time and think, “We could have been magnificent, but I was afraid.” In five years, I want to remember how fear tried to cheat me out of the best thing in my life. But I didn’t let it.’
The nurse wrote something in Meera’s chart. I didn’t look at her directly, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that she was wiping away tears.
‘Sweetheart,’ I begged. ‘Squeeze my hand. With it comes my heart, soul, love, trust, faith, hopes, dreams, past and future.
‘Take my hand, and with it, all I have and all I am is forever yours.’
I didn’t go anywhere; I didn’t escape. Everyone thought I should leave the room to do things. They told me the hospital would call me up if there were any changes. I didn’t want a call from the hospital. I wanted to see her dark brown eyes look deep within my own.
MEERA
25
Trapped
I looked around, but nothing seemed familiar. Where was I? I tried to see the ground, but it did not seem to be under me.
I felt like I was nowhere, yet everywhere at the same time.
Am I floating?
My mind was a jumbled confusion.
Then I felt someone close. I knew who he was, although I couldn’t see him.
‘I see you, Vivaan,’ I cried out.
‘I feel you through this invisible distance between us. I see you through the words you utter beside me. Every time you keep a check on me, I feel your touch. But there is something missing. Something I cannot feel. It’s your warmth.
‘Some nights, when you hold my hands, I feel your tears running over my palm, over my hand. But I can’t feel if it’s warm or cold. Have I lost my ability to feel? Vivaan, tell me, why do I want to cry every time I see you sobbing. I try hard to weep and vent out all the frustration and anger burning inside me. But I fail, always.
‘Vivaan, I am sorry, but I am scared. My only wish is to be able to move my hand and hold yours tight. I have tried my best to lift my fingers and tell you not to lose hope. But it is all in vain. I dream of how we met and the moments we spent together. I try to escape my reality right now and fall asleep to dream about us being together again. And yet when I wake up, what I see is this dark reality. I want to close my eyes and see the light within me but I cannot feel my eyes.
‘Vivaan, I feel trapped within myself. Please help me.’
VIVAAN
26
A Forgotten Diary
The machines whirled on as Meera lay lifeless in the Intensive Care Unit. I wasn’t sure how long I had been there. Nurses came in, checked Meera’s stats and walked back out.
One day, a nurse—placing her hand on my shoulder—said
, ‘Her memories are intact. She remembers everything.’
I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded. It had been eight months since I had seen any signs of improvement in Meera’s condition. I waited for the slightest hint of movement. But she just lay still.
I didn’t leave Meera’s side except to go to the bathroom. On occasion, a nurse would order me into a shower, and I would rush under the water. Sometimes I put my dirty clothes back on; other times, I was able to change into fresh clothes that Kabir brought.
I didn’t go home. Nisha or Kabir would come in every day and bring me food around mealtimes. One day, they brought some of Meera’s belongings, hoping to see her wake up. One of the things Nisha brought was her diary.
‘Have there been any improvements?’ Kabir asked one day.
I shook my head. ‘No, but the doctor still says there is brain activity. He thinks that she listens to me when I read to her. I hope that is the truth. I am going to read her story out loud, and I hope before I finish it, she wakes up.’
Kabir bent down and gave me a hug before he left.
I began to ramble. ‘Oh, Meera! I wish I had told you everything instead of acting the way I did. I was wrong! There’s so much I want to tell you!’
I stroked her hair. ‘I want to tell you all about why I returned to India, not to tell you about Radha, but because I love you. I love you more than I wanted to admit. There will always be a place in my heart for Radha, but there will be a different place here in my heart for you. Wake up so I can tell you in person.’
I wanted to see her dark brown eyes again just looking at me, but not even a flicker of life seemed to move inside her.
I let out a sigh. Kabir had been right—I was given such a gift. I wasn’t cursed, but given another opportunity to love. I looked over at her. Her face was swollen, and her eyes were still shut as tubes helped her breathe. She wasn’t the same angel-faced Meera that she was just before the accident when she was hurt and angry at me and stormed out of the café.