by J. E. Taylor
My stomach cramped with the thought, and tears covered my eyes. I blinked them away and leaned back, pushing the swing with my feet. The rocking sensation calmed my raw nerves.
Michael Andreas probably would love to have his parents’ memories. Guilt bit at my insides, creating a web of bumps that spread over my exposed skin. I rubbed them away and ran my hands down my face.
Well, maybe not all their memories. Some of the more intimate ones heated my cheeks, and I shuffled them back into the drawers when I encountered them.
Valerie’s name came up in Damian’s history a few years before Naomi came into the picture. I took a closer look. Valerie was just a child when Damian met her. Unfortunately, after Naomi came into the picture, Lucifer learned of Valerie’s heritage as one of Michael’s descendants. She was also the reason the archangel Michael was vulnerable enough for Lucifer to strip his grace.
Valerie had a fierceness to her that I was starting to be able to identify.
Fierce bravery seemed to be something representative of Michael’s bloodline. As much as I didn’t want to put Grace in the same category, she certainly was fierce. However, I would not put her in the brave category at all. She was a coward of the worst kind.
Irritation bloomed like it always did when Grace crossed my mind, and I had to shake it away and focus back on Damian’s memories. Unfortunately, she was a part of his history, so I couldn’t ignore her like I wanted to.
But I still had some horrific memories to inspect before she came into their lives. Each encounter with Lucifer left me cold. He truly was warped and depraved, and the damage he was capable of produced a frightened shiver.
I wrapped my arms around me tighter.
I didn’t want to see Grace’s birth, but it was a significant day, one that was central to Tom and CJ entering the battle. It was also the first glimpse I had of Alex’s grandfather’s spirit. While I had his memories of when he was living, this was the first vision of him with his wings. Wings that matched those of CJ’s when he got angry.
If Alex had an infusion of grace, would he end up with wings?
I shook the thought away and refocused.
Ty Ryan was even more intense than his son, CJ, and his expression as he glared at Lucifer chilled me. Ty’s memories were in my head, too, and the resemblance to Alex was even eerier than his resemblance to CJ. When a cocky smile formed on his lips, it was so similar to Alex’s that my chest squeezed.
I closed my eyes, blocking the image. It hurt just as much as seeing CJ had.
But this particular day was important to both the archangels and CJ’s father. It was the day his father lost his ability to leave Paradise Cove, along with Michael and Gabriel. Lucifer made a grand spectacle for the audience watching. He came out from Paradise Cove, where the battle had started, with both Michael and Gabriel’s heads in his bloodied hands.
When Lucifer had his grace, he was more terrifying than anything I had encountered. I couldn’t imagine going against him fully charged, but that’s exactly what Damian and Alex’s grandfather did. The minute Lucifer tossed the heads onto the newly fallen snow, both of them left the sanctity of the warded cottage.
Tom and CJ witnessed Lucifer tearing their father’s head clean off. I had both their memories layered together along with their emotions. The devastation CJ felt at watching his father decimated by Lucifer matched that of losing Tom.
I took a slow breath, trying to calm the building dread wrapping around me. How was I going to beat him? I was only sixteen and had no defense training whatsoever. I didn’t even know how to use a knife beyond stabbing with the pointy end.
I glanced at the house, and CJ stood in the bedroom window watching me. The knife glowed in his hand. I startled in the seat and then looked at the ground as heat filled my cheeks. I should have put that thing away somewhere, but I was too preoccupied with everything I needed to do.
He put the knife on his dresser next to him. When he turned away from the window, I exhaled at my stupidity. If one of the kids had gotten ahold of that blade…
I shivered and glanced back at the lake, resuming my inspection of their lives. I didn’t need to see anything more of Damian’s life. I knew how it ended, and again, it was related to the devil himself. I was tempted to sort through the cabinet that held CJ’s father’s memories, but I didn’t have time for that. I needed dirt on Lucifer.
I closed and locked up Damian’s memories and moved on to CJ. While I was curious to see some things from his background, I didn’t bother. Everything before they met Damian and Naomi was moot. I needed to see what kind of damage Lucifer had done to them. I still didn’t have enough of a pattern to go by beyond his craving for destruction.
CJ’s first encounter with Lucifer after the showdown with Damian left him in a coma for two years. But it was his next encounter that had me leaning forward in the swing with my hands clenched. Lucifer used CJ’s image to torture Valerie. That wasn’t the only time he used CJ’s image to torture those closest to him. My mind shuffled forward to a memory of a warehouse in New York City. Lucifer did the same thing to CJ’s father, and his father’s mind had fractured as a result.
With Tom, Lucifer used his wife and child to get in his head and try to coerce him to give up his soul. Tom lost both of them to Lucifer’s wrath because he refused to play the game.
I closed my eyes.
Lucifer already had control of Alex’s form. This was his favorite modus operandi, and he was sure to dangle it in front of us in equally tormenting ways.
He wanted to break CJ. That was a personal vendetta I was sure played into my father’s motivation. He didn’t need Alex to build an army, but it just made it much sweeter that Alex brought the missing archangel into the mix. It was a means to royally screw with CJ’s head.
And then there was me.
The daughter who chose the Ryans over her own father.
Of course, my father just wanted me for a refueling station to get his revenge on the Ryan clan. I’m sure the fact that Tom gave me his grace in order to shut my father in hell just made him angrier.
I was as much of a target as CJ, despite our blood bond. My father got off on torturing those he wanted to destroy, and I was now on his hit list.
How the hell do I fight that?
I stood up and crossed into the only portal to heaven on the entire globe. Paradise Cove. I licked my lips and glanced up at the sky.
“Damian?” I whispered.
The lake shimmered and fog rolled off it, creating an eerie atmosphere. A dark-haired man appeared. He looked like an older version of Michael Andreas, and he crossed his arms as he stepped out of the fog and onto the moss of Paradise Cove. He stared down at me, waiting for me to speak.
This was the man who’d punched a hole in the devil’s chest and ate his heart. I shivered at the power and will that had taken. I knew firsthand it wasn’t easy.
“How do I beat him?” I asked, looking at the man who stole Lucifer’s grace.
“Have you talked to CJ?” Although the timbre of his voice sounded like his son’s, his Greek accent threw me, but it made perfect sense given his upbringing.
“He can’t deal with the idea of losing his son. Besides, he never truly beat Lucifer. He may have torn his head off and laid waste to his body with angel fire, sending him back to hell numerous times, but he didn’t kill him. Nor did he strip Lucifer of his grace, like you did.”
Damian looked beyond me at the path, his expression brooding. When his gaze came back to mine, he nodded like he understood, and I suspected he probably did in light of recent events.
He looked out over the cove with a frown and a crease between his brows. He closed his eyes and tightened his fists, shaking his head. “I can’t believe my daughter made the choice to hand everything over to him. She knew how hard we fought against him so that this day would never come, and yet she just...” When his eyes opened, they were covered with a layer of tears that he blinked away. “If I had known all the destruction t
hat he would cause…” He wiped his face and took a deep breath.
I shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortable under the strain of his voice. “There wasn’t anything you could have done,” I whispered.
His bright gaze met mine. “You are his only obstacle left. Don’t let him win,” he added in a choked voice, and turned away.
Nothing he’d said answered my question. It only served to strike more fear in the pit of my stomach.
“But how do I beat him?” I asked again.
“You already know how,” he said with his back to me. “Tom gave you the weapon. You just have to get close enough to your father to use it.”
Chapter 2
Great. Just another directive that left me with zero choice.
I sat back down in the gazebo. The lightening sky did nothing for my mood. A new day, a new problem to figure out. Life marched forward despite the misery surrounding us, and it irked me.
My phone buzzed. I pulled it out, staring at the unknown number blinking in my text messages. I pressed the button to open the preview. One word displayed. Mine. Along with a picture of Alex kissing Grace below the statement.
My hands burst into flame. Fire engulfed the phone, and I pitched it into the lake with a roar that echoed across the water.
A flock of birds took flight, swirling away from me like I was the evil one.
I wanted to burn the image from my own brain. I clenched my fists, putting out the fire before I gripped the edge of the swing. I just wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to wake everyone inside, if I hadn’t already with my initial outburst.
I glanced at where the phone had plunked into the water, sending ripples out from the point of impact. My breath caught in my throat. I had just destroyed the only thing I had with Alex’s texts on it.
I closed my eyes, and tears squeezed from the corners.
“Damn it.” I put my head against the back of the swing and wrapped my arms around myself, trying not to lose it yet again, but it was too late. Hot tears slipped down my cheeks, and one pooled by the corner of my mouth bringing with it a salty taste of failure.
“Why don’t you come in,” CJ said from a few feet away from me.
I jumped. I hadn’t heard him approach at all. He was like a silent ninja in that manner, and it piled onto my feeling of inadequacy.
I shook my head, wishing I had more control, but my tears wouldn’t stop.
He took a seat next to me and put his arm over the back of the chair. The heat from him seemed to warm the back of my neck, loosening some of the tightness. His legs pushed off with mine, giving the swing a wider arc.
He sniffled. “You know if you want your phone back, all you have to do is retrieve it with your mind.”
“It’s ruined,” I said with a voice so full of sorrow that I thought I would choke on it.
“I could probably get the data off the memory chip.” He kept the swing moving.
I finally looked at his profile. The corners of his lips dragged into a frown, and I caught a tear tracing the side of his face. It dripped down onto his T-shirt unchecked.
“You’re not the only one he’s taunting.” His voice cracked. “He said the things he would do would make my father’s transgressions seem like child’s play, and he’d make sure it was caught on film so my son’s face would be just as infamous as my dad’s.”
I huffed and looked out at the lake. “He sure knows how to push our buttons.”
CJ let out a small laugh. His loss scraped over my skin like a dull razor.
“You’ve already written him off.” I studied him again.
He lifted his shoulder. It wasn’t a confirmation or denial. “He’s no longer my son,” he said and met my gaze. “And I’ve got four girls under my roof that are now his prime targets, along with my wife. I don’t have the luxury of hoping for a miracle.” He pressed his lips together. “Hope is not a tactic. We can’t rely on it, or we will all die.”
He rubbed his face and stopped the swing. “He’s using my son’s brains, too. Any time he pings me, it goes through so many goddamn servers that I can’t find him. I’ll keep trying to pin it down, but I haven’t had any luck with that for the last five months.” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I should have let him go with you.” He stood and marched back to the house, obviously kicking himself for the decisions he’d made.
I couldn’t let him take the burden of this. The breaches and Lucifer being topside were my fault and mine alone.
I followed him and stopped him at the door before he stepped inside. “I don’t blame you for this.”
“I know, but I do.” He turned and headed inside.
“You didn’t know.”
“I absolutely should have known when Bridget tried to kill you.” He spun on me with such ferocity that I stepped back. “I should have known she was compromised. If I had left her behind then, Alex would be here with us now.”
“She just lost her husband; you couldn’t have just sent her packing.”
“He should have,” a sleepy voice said from behind me.
I spun around to April standing in one of the bedroom doors. Her blonde hair was knotted and unruly from a night of sound sleep. She ran across the room and threw her arms around me. I held her tight and closed my eyes, letting Tom’s love for her fill me.
I kissed the top of her head and opened my eyes. “Your father loved you so much.”
I hadn’t had much time with April after Tom’s death and I knew our time was limited now, but I wanted her to know just how much her father cared.
She smiled up at me. “I know. He’s been trying to get me to forgive my mother, but I can’t. Just like I can’t forgive Grace for what she has done.” She pulled away from my hug and propped her hands on her hips with an uncompromising pout.
“You do know that forgiveness is more for you than it is for anyone else,” I said, and even CJ’s eyebrows went up. “Holding onto anger… It just destroys who you are.” I glanced at CJ and then back to April. “Don’t hold on to it. Let it go.”
She stared up at me as my words sank in, then dimples appeared in her cheeks. “Quoting Disney movies now?”
I couldn’t help it—I grinned, too. I hadn’t meant to quote one of her favorite movies of all time. But she embraced it, opening her mouth and belting the song out like a true thirteen-year-old diva. I looked at CJ, and then joined April, because I needed a little silliness after everything I had been through. Our singing woke Valerie and the girls, but I didn’t care, and obviously neither did April.
And we sang the hell out of the song. When we finished, we turned back-to-back and crossed our arms, claiming the power of Elsa. Power we sorely lacked at the moment, and it was rejuvenating.
CJ started a slow clap from his position against the bench. The half smile on his lips warmed me as much as it reminded me of Alex, and my heart ached.
“Are you two done with your little show?” He waggled his fingers at us.
“Why, do you want to join us?” I asked.
April giggled from behind me.
CJ cocked his eyebrow as his girls came out of the room rubbing their eyes. The sun’s rays came over the mountain and bathed the room in warm spring morning light. He opened his mouth, and the first words to another popular Disney song came rolling off his tongue His girls clapped with glee.
His voice was as mesmerizing as it had been on television. Full, with a beautiful timbre that brought gooseflesh to my arms and put Elton John’s voice in the dust. He opened his arms and turned to the new day, welcoming it with the song like he was on stage and his audience consisted of more than a few birds and his own family. His entire persona switched into the entertainer I was used to seeing, and with it came that magical gleam in his eyes along with a full smile that reminded me so much of Alex that my knees weakened.
When he got to the chorus, we all joined in, and our harmony filled the house. Arianna and Amber’s voices were just as rich as their father’s. Just as
rich and full as Alex’s voice had been. April and I… Well, we weren’t quite as mesmerizing, but at least we were on key.
Levi just stared at us from the floor like we all had lost our minds. Valerie leaned against the bedroom door with a sad, slightly haunted grin. She still wasn’t quite herself, but at least there was a smile on her face.
The only ones who hadn’t stirred were Michael and Kylee, but they had had a late enough night for sleep to overcome any noise at this point. I just hoped our singing euphoria hadn’t woken Alexis.
Music soothed me as much as it seemed to soothe the Ryan clan. My heart actually felt lighter because of it, and from the looks of it, it seemed to break whatever depression had settled on the house since we had arrived.
I knew I’d pay for my all-nighter later today, but for now, I would hang on to this lightness even though I knew it was a farce.
Quiet fell on us as CJ whipped up some eggs for the family. We sat around the table eating with only the clang of silverware on the plates to keep us company. Smiles faded as reality crashed down on us. Even Arianna and Amber ended up falling silent.
“When is Alex coming back?” Amber asked after we finished the meal. She looked at me, not her father.
I pressed my lips together and shrugged. “I don’t know.” I glanced at CJ for help, and he stood and started clearing the plates.
“We don’t know if he’ll ever come back to us,” CJ said, slamming the mood right into the toilet.
I wouldn’t have said it in the same way. He didn’t even try to soften the blow. I got up and walked out the door, leaving them all to deal with the fallout. That seemed to be my norm when I couldn’t deal with the emotions surrounding me. This wasn’t a new thing, either. I used to do the same thing with my mother when I was upset. Disappearing into the woods when things got heated was my way of pushing aside the unease itching at my fingers. It was either that or set the place on fire. So, I opted to remove myself. It was a good strategy most of the time, but it still felt like running away.
Instead of going to the swing again, I sat on the stairs on the dock.