by Alexia Purdy
“Where are you going?” Shade stood at the doorway of Soap’s room as he stuffed his recently cleaned and sharpened weapons. She watched him nervously as he finished depositing the last sword into his pack and stuffed a dagger in a scabbard strapped to his belt.
“Nowhere,” he said. “I’m just stowing away my weapons, making sure they’re ready to go just in case I need them.” He turned toward her as he dropped the bag onto the bed and came to stand before her. He reached out, sweeping a loose strand of her hair out of her face. Her eyes darted back and forth across his handsome face. She was feeling torn and attempted to hide her panic. “Why so nervous? I said I wouldn’t leave you, didn’t I?” He pulled her close and embraced her in a warm hug. She let his scent envelope her as she pushed the crazy thoughts of him possibly leaving out of her mind.
“Sorry, it’s just that for a second there, I thought you were going to leave, too. Just like….”
“Just like Dylan?” Soap stepped back away from her, studying her eyes and searching them for whatever it was he was looking for. His lips pressed together, firmly and with slight irritation. “I thought you wouldn’t think of me like that,” he sighed as he tied up the end of his bag on the bed. He refused to look back at her as he finished and started on his clothes, folding the freshly washed trousers and shirts. He’d taken to using khaki cargo pants and jeans while living with her instead of the linen and leather pants he usually wore in Faerie. He was a pair of jeans at the moment. They were soft and worn and clung to him like a well-worn glove. She couldn’t help but gaze at his arm muscles as they rippled while he worked. He was not a wimpy kind of guy, and it had not escaped her notice.
“I’m sorry,” Shade stumbled as she spoke to him. “I didn’t mean for you to think I was thinking of you like that. I can’t help it if I still miss Dylan. We are still bound, and I don’t know how to undo it. The way I feel probably has something to do with it.” She sat down in the chair next to the bed, moving a pair of his boots from the chair to the floor.
Soap turned to her. His eyebrows furrowed as his stare intensified. His eyes turned dark green as he continued to stare, making her gulp. She could feel something upsetting him. His eyes were like a mood ring which never lied.
“Shade, I don’t think it has anything to do with that at all,” he said as he sat down on the bed and ran his fingers through his long hair, ruffling it up and causing some strands to dangle out of place. “Do you know what I mean, Shade?”
“No. What do you mean?” She pulled her legs up onto the chair and leaned on her knees, tightly hugging her calves and dreading his answer.
“I mean that even though you have given us a chance, even though I have tried to give you everything your heart desires, I’m still on the outside looking in. I worry I won’t see your face light up again, the way it lights up when you look at him. I’m wide open, but I keep banging against your walls. I just don’t know, Shade. It’s been a month, and I am no closer to getting into your heart than I was before. Is there anything I can do? Anything at all, aside from magic of course, which can change your heart?” He watched her as she rocked silently on the chair, wringing her fingers together as her head lay sideways on her knees.
“I don’t know,” she croaked. “I don’t know anything.” Letting go of her legs, she let them slip to the floor. “What do you want me to say? I said I had no guarantees. I’m sorry if that’s not what you’re looking for.” Shade held her gaze to the wooden floorboards, afraid to meet his eyes. She wanted to fall in love with him. He was everything she should want, but it wasn’t enough. Somehow, she didn’t know why it wasn’t him she was waiting for. She did love him in her own way, but it didn’t fill the hole left gaping in her chest when Dylan had left.
“Besides, you haven’t been totally honest with me, Soap. You never have told me what Dylan meant when he said you weren’t telling me everything.” She sucked in her breath, bit down on her lip and closed her eyes.
I sound so childish! How do I get out of this? Think, think, think!
Soap knelt down before her in a flash. His eyes burned in fury, but he kept it in control as he cupped her chin gently and held her face so that they were eye to eye.
“Shade, you want to know why it is that no one trusts me? Fine. I had hoped not to have to retell it, for it was a very long time ago, and I don’t care to recall it. But for you, to make you happy, I can suffer through it one more time. But I do require that you, at least, look at me.” Soap’s voice was stern and cold.
Shade opened her eyes to stare straight into his. She waited quietly as he slumped back onto the floor, leaning his back and head against the bed. His face suddenly looked tired and defeated. She wanted to grab him and kiss him until that look faded away.
Why do I have to feel so conflicted inside?
“It was about a hundred years ago when I was about twenty years old. Young for a faery, but an adult by human years,” Soap began. “I had just begun to control my powers. I tested them out often, changing into different faeries and using the different powers as I learned to master each one. Ilarial had sent me to live with the Teleen Clan to learn my heritage from them. I never discovered who my mother was or if she or my father was of that heritage. I guess I’m not destined to know. Either way, I spent months in their caverns learning their culture and ways as any Teleen should know, even a Halfling like me.
“Dylan was already captain of the Teleen Guard back then. He kept a close eye on me and all my dealings among them. I don’t think he ever trusted me. He was suspicious of everyone, even then. Well, to get to the point, while I was there, Jack was also a frequent visitor. One time, he came with a beautiful raven-haired human faery named Evangeline. She was a Fire Witch, and she was part Sidhe Fey, much like you. Everyone was fascinated by her. She had paired off with Jack and many of the men were jealous. Darren, in particular, was very intrigued by her. You could say it bordered on obsession. He hated that she’d chosen Jack and that they would soon be married. I now know he devised his plan to break them up in his sick, twisted way. I was young and naïve and a little too trusting.
He convinced me Evangeline was no good for Jack and that she meant him more harm than good. He knew about my Changeling powers and devised a plan for Evangeline to meet me in the guise of Jack and get her to admit to whatever treachery she was up to. So when the day came, I met her in a secluded place. Darren hid from sight to watch what would happen.
“When she came to that place, she was happy to see Jack. I spoke to her. I told her I no longer wanted or needed her. I told her that her human blood would be a taint to the Teleen bloodlines and I was ashamed to have thought that it would work out. I told her I didn’t love her at all.”
Soap stopped. His eyes glazed over at the long-ago memory, the horror of the moment repeating itself on his upset face. Shade sat wide-eyed, listening and hoping he’d somehow fixed it.
“You said that to her?” Shade’s voice came out soft and choked as tears stung her eyes. Oh no. Why would you do that, Soap? Why?
“Yes. And since she couldn’t see it was all a trick, she immediately ran and gathered her things. She ran so far away from Jack, he never even knew what had happened.
“After she left the secluded place where we’d met, I heard Darren laughing. He’d watched the whole thing and thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. I grew infuriated. I ran toward him and started to hit him, realizing what he had really meant to do was to break them up.
“Dylan arrived soon after. He obviously had been following his brother, and he broke apart the fight. He demanded to know what was going on and Darren cheerfully told him what we had done. I was so mad, I wanted to kill him. I don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid. By the time we made it back to the Caverns, she was long gone. There was nothing we could do except tell Jack that she had left.
“Dylan bound us to not tell anyone about what happened because Darren would’ve been in a whole lot of trouble. He was just trying t
o save his brother, but there was no one there to save me. I left Teleen after that. I tried, but I was never able to track Evangeline down to tell her the truth. Now too much time has passed, and I know she wouldn’t hear the truth even if I told her.”
Soap hung his head down, wiping away some tears which slipped from his eyes. His face remained solemn and still. Shade let go of the breath she held, not knowing what to say. No wonder Dylan never trusted him. And Jack, poor Jack! He was all but oblivious to it all. She wondered what else she could say. Soap was sorry, but messing things up for Jack and Evangeline like that was basically unforgiveable.
Shade slumped. She decided she wouldn’t judge him on that. It wasn’t her forgiveness he needed. She reached out toward him as she slipped to floor with him and touched his face. Trails of tears traced his cheeks as he blinked up at her. His eyes were dark as he silently wept. She sat next to him and embraced him from the side, leaning her head on his chest.
“Well, that’s something you live with every day, I bet. I know you would take it back if you could. I know you’re not evil or malicious inside, that’s not you. Don’t ever believe that. The day will come when you can make it right.” Shade turned toward him and smiled, brushing his long locks aside. He nodded, wiping the wetness from his face as he took a deep breath.
“Sorry, I don’t really like you seeing me like this, bawling like a baby.” Soap let out a haughty laugh as he sighed. Staring out into space, his eyes glazed into a far-off look. Shade stood up and held her hand out to him, breaking his trance.
“Come on, silly, I’m helping Mom find a place for all the crap you guys bought. Who knew you could fit all that into a minivan? Cans of food galore and oodles of water bottles everywhere! I can’t even see the TV from the couch. Let’s make it more livable.” She tugged on his arm and he jumped up to his feet. She gave him a wide grin before pulling him out of his room and toward the living room mess.
Chapter Twenty-Three