“We're all set,” Rita said, as Caitlin climbed into the passenger seat.
“Thank you. I appreciate it, Mom,” Caitlin said. Did she? “It was nice of Nathan to help,” Caitlin said, making small talk.
“It was. He called me after he left your apartment. He said he needs to show you something.”
“Where's Georgie?” Caitlin asked.
“He took him right to the house.”
“I wonder how he made out with him. Georgie is old and cranky, and he doesn't care much for strangers,” Caitlin remarked.
“He didn't say,” Rita said, easing the Nissan into traffic once everyone was secure.
Caitlin kept her eyes on the side mirror. For two days she'd lived just a floor away from Colin's office. As the hospital disappeared from sight, another of her hopes faded. She had waited, hoping Colin would hear she was in the hospital, that someone would tell him, and he would appear. He hadn't come.
She sighed deeply, as Rita moved slowly through the busy streets.
“You okay, kiddo?” Rita asked, as they sat waiting at a stoplight.
“Yes,” Caitlin lied. “How's Liz?”
“She was better this morning,” Rita said, sounding more relaxed than she felt.
Rita Hollings glanced at her surroundings as she sat casually behind the wheel. In reality, she felt anything but casual. She thought of the promise she had made to her best friend, and silently prayed Ella would recover. Either way the truth would be told, and they'd be left with the fallout. Rita wondered what life would be like after that moment.
“Mom, the light's green,” Caitlin said, and Rita looked at her.
“Oh......., sorry,” Rita murmured.
“We're a pair,” Caitlin said, pausing to think. “Mom, didn't you come in a taxi?”
“I did,” Rita said, her eyes not leaving the road.
“Then where did this come from?”
“It was at the hotel,” Rita said sheepishly.
“Hotel?”
“I checked into a hotel Thursday night, after you said you thought it was close. Nothing exciting ever happens to me, Cate. I didn't want to miss this,” Rita said, sounding wistful. “Didn't you notice how quickly I arrived?”
“No. I think I was brain dead from the pain.”
“Childbirth will do that to you,” Rita said, sounding wistful.
Caitlin smiled, and turned to look at her mother. Softly, she spoke. “I'm sorry about Ella, Mom.”
“You say that like she's gone,” Rita whispered in response.
“No, Mom. That's not what I mean. I know she's your best friend, and I know you're scared. You can talk to me, Mom.”
“Would you mind?” Rita asked, and Caitlin smiled.
“Not at all. Frankly it would be nice to think about something other than formula and diapers, and my broken heart.”
Rita paused for just a moment before speaking. “We're a lot alike, Cate, Ella and I. We spend our days in that shop, talking to each other, or to the flowers. We're both alone, silently watching the clock, and our days get numbered. Other people celebrate the occasions we miss. We just create the flower arrangements people send to commemorate them. Sometimes I think we both feel like life forgot about us,” Rita said sadly, and Caitlin sighed. Before she could respond, Rita spoke again. “Don't you think I know what I am?”
“What are you, Mom?”
“I'm a flake, Cate. I'm old, and alone, and I'm thinking the best years of my life are behind me, and frankly, I'm scared as hell,” Rita said. Caitlin felt an ache deep inside her for the woman who seemed to be an open book, yet showed the world so little of herself, hiding behind a nonchalance that Caitlin suspected she didn't always feel.
“I'm sorry, Mom.”
“Sorry about what, Cate?”
“That I'm not a better daughter.”
“You're a good girl, Cate. I'm not sure I was a good mother. I wanted you to love me, Caitlin. I needed you to love me. So much so that I think you're right. I think I was a better friend than a mother. I suspect you grew up thinking you had to clean up after me.”
“You are a mess. But you know something, Mom........?” Caitlin said softly.
“I don't feel as though I know a hell of a lot, but humor me.”
“I think sometimes you piss me off because I wish I could be more like you.”
“Why would you wish that, Caitlin?”
“You love people, Mom. You really do. And you're not afraid to let people know you love them.”
“Are you, Cate?”
“I don't know. I think maybe I am.”
“Why?” Rita asked, averting her eyes from the road for only a moment to glance at her daughter.
“I don't know. I think maybe I see it as a weakness.”
“Oh, Caitlin. Love isn't like that at all. We're all vulnerable when we love someone, but life isn't worth anything without love. You want to know how I know that?”
“How?”
“Look in the backseat, Cate.”
Caitlin did. Both babies were sleeping, and at that moment Caitlin began to understand more about love. She stared at her twins, surprised when the tears came. She loved them more than her own life, and it didn't make her feel weak. It made her feel fulfilled in a way she'd never been. And although she was still frightened, she felt stronger because they were in her life. She felt inspired to be more, to do more, to strive to make them proud to call her their mother. Caitlin turned to look at her mother and saw her as she never had. She saw a softness Rita rarely showed, a need to love and be loved she didn't see as weakness. Rita looked like a mess, but inside she was a beautiful person. A beautiful woman whose daughter had never given her enough credit.
“I love you, Mom. I hope you know that.”
“I do, Caitlin.”
“You don't have to say it back.”
“I don't?” Rita asked, glancing again at her daughter.
“No. You do enough showing. I need to learn how to do that. I told Colin I loved him. I'm starting to wonder if I ever showed him. It was easier to be angry with him. That made me feel strong. I thought loving him made me weak. Now I know I was wrong. God, I fucked that up bad,” Caitlin said, realizing the truth of her words. “Sorry about the language, Mom.”
“It's okay, sweetheart. We're in the car. I think the etiquette of language is different here.”
“You should ride with Colin,” Caitlin said, and Rita laughed.
“Colorful?”
“Very,” Caitlin whispered, sounding as if she were far away. God, I miss him,” she admitted through a wretched sob.
“Oh, honey.”
“What do I do, Mom?” Caitlin asked.
“I don't know, Cate. We'll see what we can figure out.”
“Okay,” Caitlin whimpered.
Eventually her tears stopped, and she turned to look out the window. Rita said little as the miles passed, aware that Caitlin needed the quiet moments to think about her life. The hour and a half passed quickly, and before Caitlin knew it, Rita was maneuvering the Nissan along the streets of New Hope, where Caitlin had spent her youth. The babies had slept the entire trip, and she turned to look at them.
“How are they?” Rita asked.
“Getting ready to keep us up all night,” Caitlin said.
“Noonie's here,” Rita said, as they pulled into the driveway of the house where Caitlin had lived as a child.
“Don't call him that to his face,” Caitlin said, her eyes scanning the familiar surroundings. The house was an older farmhouse, it's exterior worn by time, but there was something beautiful and welcoming about the chipping paint and sagging shutters. Her eyes were drawn to the corner window on the second floor, and she wouldn't have been surprised to see a little girl standing there, gazing at the world, and dreaming of the adventures she'd have.
She was home. She missed the apartment in Brooklyn, but she realized how much she had missed this place, her home, and the town where she had once lived.
“I'll see if Nathan will help you,” Rita said. “I need to check messages at the shop.”
“Okay,” Caitlin said, opening the back door to extract the first of her two infants.
“Hey,” a voice said behind her.
“Hey, Nathan,” Caitlin said, without turning. “Thanks for getting all this.”
“You owe me,” Nathan said, as Caitlin lifted Hannah and her car seat from the back of the SUV.
“I can imagine,” Caitlin said, and only then did she turn. “What in God's name happened?”
“I had a little run-in with your cat and saw my life flash in front of my eyes.”
“Holy cats, Georgie did that?”
“Holy cats, yeah, he did.”
“He's funny around strangers. I warned you,” Caitlin said.
“Well, he was absolutely hysterical this morning. You said he might be reluctant, you didn't tell me he was a deadly weapon,” Nathan said with a chuckle.
“I'm sorry, Nathan,” Caitlin said, as Nathan reached out to relieve her of the car seat. “Are you sure?” she asked, gazing in amazement at the enormously bandaged hand.
“Yeah, it hardly hurts at all now,” Nathan lied. He winced as he reached for the baby seat, and Caitlin grimaced.
“I am so sorry, Nathan. Is there anything I can do?” she asked.
“Yeah, you can never ask me to do that again,” he said, and she smiled.
“Deal.”
When Caitlin had taken her son from the back of the SUV, she started up the sidewalk with Nathan behind her. She sat Rogan's baby seat on the kitchen table, and Nathan sat Hannah by his side. Both babies began to stir, and although they were awake, they didn't fuss.
They seemed to look around the kitchen, taking in their new surroundings, and becoming acclimated. Nathan left to bring the rest of the things from the car while Caitlin started a pot of much needed coffee.
“Coffee?” she asked, when he returned. “Thank you,” she added, reaching for the suitcase.
“Let me,” he said, and she was reminded of how truly kind he was. “You should still take it easy for a while. I remember when Patti........,” he trailed off, and looked away. Caitlin could hear the pain in his voice, and she hurt for him.
“Why don't you have some coffee, Noonie,” Caitlin said, chuckling. “Sorry, old habits are hard to break.”
“Thanks, I think I will,” he said, taking the steaming mug she offered. “I never thought I'd see you back here,” he said, making conversation.
“Me either, Nathan, but life takes some unexpected turns,” she said without thinking. Nathan sighed, and Caitlin grimaced. “Sorry,” she added.
“It's okay. I won't break,” he said, but as she looked at him and saw the pain in his face, and the tension in his body, she wasn't sure. They sat side by side at the table as the babies dozed in their car seats.
“So, how are you?” he asked softly.
“I'm doing as well as can be expected. I'm blissfully happy, but I'm also sad as hell. Does that make any sense?” she asked, and Nathan nodded.
“It does to me,” he said.
“I miss Colin so much. You never met him, Nathan, but he's such a good man and I loved him. I really did. I saw him leaving the hospital while I was there. He was with a woman and a little girl.”
“I'm sorry,” he said softly.
“Me, too. I'm not sure how I expected things to turn out, but I thought they'd be okay. I thought he'd come back,” Caitlin said softly.
“Did you ask him to?” Nathan asked.
“No. I haven't talked to him since he left nine months ago,” she said, and figuring he could do the math, she smiled. “It was one hell of a goodbye,” she added, reaching out to touch her daughter's hand.
“I see that,” he said.
“How are you, Nathan? I mean, other than badly wounded.”
“I'm hanging in there,” he said. “Boy, Cate, I don't know what went wrong with that cat this morning. It was as if all hell broke loose in there,” he said, shaking his head. He recounted the story, and before he was finished, they were both laughing. Rita walked into the kitchen to find them in stitches. Nathan told the story again, and when he finished, the kitchen seemed to quake with their laughter.
“Oh, poor Nathan,” Rita said, through her tears. “I have an arrangement that needs tending to right away, so I'm going to grab a cup of coffee and head back to the shop if no one needs anything,” she offered, helping herself to the coffee.
“We're good, Mom,” Caitlin said, and she noticed Nathan had grown quiet again. “How are you, Nathan?” Caitlin asked, after Rita had returned to the shop. “How are you really?”
“Rotten,” he said. “I'd heard the second and third year were worse. It's true,” he said sadly. “Honestly, I'm lonely.”
“I'm so sorry,” Caitlin said, reaching for his hand. “I'm lonely, too,” she whispered.
He pulled away suddenly, and Caitlin jumped. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I'm not used to being touched.”
“That's very sad,” Caitlin whispered, and Nathan sighed.
“Did I ever tell you that Patti and I broke up right before we got engaged?” he asked.
“No.”
“She said she wanted to talk about a future together, but I was too stubborn, so she broke up with me.”
“She did?”
“Yup. I cried myself to sleep for a week, bought a diamond, went to see her, and begged her to take me back.”
“She said yes,” Caitlin said, and although it wasn't a question, Nathan nodded.
“She always said I was too indecisive,” he explained.
“Is that true?”
“I don't know,” he said with a chuckle, and Caitlin smiled. They were both quiet for several seconds, and when Nathan turned to look at Caitlin, she noticed his eyes looked sad again. “That's why when they came to me and said there was nothing more they could do, I told them to turn off the machines. For once in my life, I didn't want to be indecisive.” Nathan wiped a tear from his eye, and sniffed loudly. “It was so hard to see Patti like that. Harder, I think, than it was for me to let her go.”
“I'm so sorry, Nathan. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you then. I wish I could make it up to you.”
“Just don't think about getting me a cat to make it up to me.”
“I'd never do that. I like you too much,” she assured him.
They both sipped their coffee for a moment, until Caitlin broke the silence.
“Nathan?”
“Yeah?”
“How hard was it for you to see Ella like that?”
“Awful. The first time I looked at her I damn near fainted. It was like seeing Patti all over again.”
“I can imagine. God, Nathan, I hope Ella will be okay,” Caitlin said softly.
“I need her to be okay,” Nathan said, sounding broken. “I just stood there watching her and thinking of how amazing it is that someone can be so battered and still fight to live,” Nathan said.
“I know,” Caitlin agreed. “I don't think we realize the value of life until we're fighting for it.”
“I started wondering if maybe she'd just let go, if she'd want to be with her parents, and with Charles,” Nathan offered, and Caitlin just looked at him.
“Charles?” she said softly.
“Did she ever tell you about him?”
“I think she did. A long time ago I asked her about her ring, the one she wears on the chain around her neck. She told me she was in love once. She never told me anything else, or even his name. God, I think I was still a kid. Do you know anything about him?” Caitlin asked.
“He was her first love. Her only love. He died really young, in an accident, I think Mom said. Ella was devastated.”
“God, that's horrible,” Caitlin said, feeling sorry for her mother's friend and the love she'd lost. “Is that why she never married?” she asked.
“I think so. She told me there was never anyone else, only him. I've always felt sad f
or her. It's hard to be alone,” Nathan offered.
“Do you believe that, Nathan? Do you believe there could never be anyone else?”
“Patti would want me to find someone else. We actually talked about it.”
“So did we,” Caitlin offered.
A sound from the doorway caught their attention and they both turned.
“Georgie!” Caitlin said with delight.
The cat took two timid steps into the room, and made eye contact with the adversary seated at Caitlin's side. He eyed Nathan suspiciously and backed up toward the doorway, before hissing loudly and taking off in a run.
“Jeez,” Caitlin said.
“I love you, too!” Nathan called.
Caitlin refilled her coffee cup and Nathan's without asking, and they sat for several minutes sipping the steaming liquid, each absorbed in their own thoughts.
Finally Nathan broke the silence. “Cate, can I ask you something?” he said, sounding wistful.
“Of course.”
“Do you still love Colin?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then find your way back to him,” he offered with a weak smile. “Ella said love is the only thing that matters.”
“I think Ella might be right, Nathan.”
Twenty
Colin Thomas stepped off of US Airways flight 1157 in Spokane, Washington, just as night began to descend. He retrieved his bag from the baggage claim, and strolled out into the evening.
He opened the worn wallet, and took out a small piece of paper tucked behind his Visa, then flipped open his cell phone and dialed the numbers, amazed at how nervous he was. His aunt answered on the third ring. Before she spoke, he could hear barking in the background, and he suppressed the urge to hang up, giving in to his cowardice.
“Aunt Sadie?” he said, feeling like a small boy.
“Colin?” she replied, and Colin stifled a sob with his free hand.
“Yes,” he said softly.
“How are you, son?” she asked.
“I'm well. I'm in Spokane. I'd like to see you,” he said softly.
“I can meet you,” she offered, and he smiled. “It's getting late though, and I don't care for driving at night. How long are you here?”
The House of Roses Page 11