“Do you think that's best for the child?”
“How the hell would I know? I don't have any kids. I have never done anything like this. What the hell in God's name am I doing?” he asked his aunt. The confidence of their conversation on the patio had vanished, and in its place was panic and terror.
His aunt reached for his hand again, but Colin stood and began to pace in the dining room. She pulled her hand back, and folded both of them in her lap.
“Are you all right, Colin?” she asked.
“I don't know,” he replied, not turning to look at her. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I haven't thought this through. You know how you said I'm as good a man as my father?” he asked, finally turning and making eye contact with his aunt. She nodded in response, but said nothing. “I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure about anything all of the sudden.” Colin sat back in the chair across from his aunt, and softly he wept.
“Hey,” his aunt whispered, and he looked at her, his cheeks wet with fresh tears.
“What?” he said softly, dragging his arm across his eyes.
“No one is sure about anything, Colin. Maybe it's about time you did something you weren't sure about. That's how a life is woven, son. People do things they're not sure about, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes the decisions are wrong, but you sometimes learn more from the wrong ones. You're not a kid, Colin. You're hardly too young and immature to be a father. I think you have a lot to offer a child.”
“This isn't how I thought I'd get one,” he said, and Aunt Sadie smiled.
“Of course not. This is extraordinary, Colin. This is the kind of thing you see on Oprah. But, I'm going to ask you a question, perhaps the most important question I could ask. Do you think you can love this child?”
“I already do,” Colin offered, and although his eyes were still sad, the corners of his mouth turned involuntarily into a weak smile. “I just feel sick over her mother.”
“You can't change what's happening to her. You can change what's happening to her child.”
“I know. I want to do this.”
“I can tell.”
“I don't want to be ordinary. I want to do something extraordinary.”
“You're hardly ordinary, Colin,” Aunt Sadie said, defending her nephew.
“That's not really what I mean. I need something in my life, something other than my work. I know Mia needs me, but I think I might need her more.”
Aunt Sadie smiled at her nephew, and pride shone in her eyes. He was a grown man, but she suddenly felt as though she were looking at a young boy uncertain of his future, and genuinely frightened. She was glad he was doing something that scared him so. It was those things that made a life truly extraordinary, and anything less was less than her nephew deserved. He was a good man, as good a man as his father, and because he didn't know this, because he doubted himself, and felt humility instead of arrogance, it made him a great man.
***
Ella Simons had known a great man. She had loved a great man, a man who was wonderful to his core, and his amazing qualities, the things she had truly loved about him, had been handed down to the child they had made, the child who sat beside her, holding tightly to her hand.
“Are you okay?” Caitlin asked, and Ella nodded. “That's not what Liz said,” Caitlin added, and Ella grimaced in response.
“I'm okay, no matter what the doctors say,” Ella replied, reaching out to touch her daughter's face. “You are so beautiful, Cate,” Ella said, and Caitlin forced a weak smile. “You were such a beautiful child.”
“I saw a picture of you in Mom's photo album. I look like you.”
“I know.”
“Didn't that make you sad? Weren't you sad every time you saw me? How did you do that, Ella? I don't understand,” Caitlin questioned, and Ella paused, choosing her words carefully.
“I knew I had done the right thing. No matter how much it hurt me.”
“You never doubted it? You never wanted to go back and change things?”
“Well, of course I did, Caitlin. We all want to do that. We're human, and humans often wish they could turn back the clock and do things differently. The one thing I wanted to change more than anything, was the one thing I couldn't. I wanted Charles to be alive.”
“Was he a good person, my real father?”
“Oh heavens, child. He was a great man. I met him at a picnic I had gone to with Liz. From that first moment, I knew I would love him.”
“I felt that way about Colin. I saw him across the room at a party, and he was so handsome, and he smiled at me. It was like he was just happy to see me there, not like he wanted to pick me up.”
“And did he?” Ella asked.
“Did he what?”
“Did he pick you up that same night?”
“No. We talked for hours, and eventually I asked him out to dinner. I asked, he said yes. We had our first date the following night.”
“That's nice when it happens that way, when it's easy,” Ella offered, looking nostalgic.
“It was easy, for a long time. Then it got hard, and then it ended.”
“Did you want him to go?”
“No,” Caitlin whispered.
“Did you tell him that?”
“No.”
“Cate, I thought you were a smart girl. How did you let that happen?”
“I don't know. It was easier to let him go than to fight.”
“And you think it's better not to fight for something?” Ella asked, and Caitlin shook her head.
“No. I think people should fight. I gave up on us. You won't give up, will you, Ella?”
“Of course not,” Ella said, sounding weak.
“Good, because I don't want you to die,” Caitlin said, her words coming out in a small sob.
“Oh, child. I don't want to die either, but everyone dies, Caitlin. It's not about when we die, it's about how we lived while we were here.”
“I know,” Caitlin choked.
“My body's worn out before its time. I was a bad girl. I knew a while ago something was wrong, but it was easier to let it go.”
“Letting things go must be in our DNA,” Caitlin said.
“Well, then I think we should change that, Cate. Have you spoken to your young man?” Ella asked, watching as Caitlin tensed.
“He's not mine anymore.” Caitlin lifted her right hand to swipe at the tears in her eyes. Ella could see the pain there. For several seconds neither woman said anything, until finally Caitlin began to tell her real mother the story of Colin at the hospital, with the little girl and the beautiful woman.
“Maybe she was a patient,” Ella offered, and Caitlin arched a brow at her. She hadn't considered that. Her wounded heart had simply jumped to conclusions.
“No, there was too much familiarity. There was something so natural, so comfortable about the way they were together, as if they shared a great secret, or other things lovers share.” Caitlin felt her heart nearly break and she began to cry again. She couldn't imagine Colin in another woman's arms, in the pretty woman's arms, and it made her physically sick to think of it.
“Oh, Cate,” Ella said, reaching out to take her daughter's hand. “So lost in this life, you are. So much to go forward for, but you can't let go of the past.”
“Did you?” Caitlin asked, and Ella flinched slightly.
“Enough to accept things. It's all we can ever do.”
“I can't live without him,” Caitlin said in a whimper.
“Of course you can. You are.”
“You're supposed to be the hopeless romantic. Don't you have any words of wisdom, Ella?”
“You didn't let me finish.”
“Sorry.”
“You can live without him. You are living without him. But, you don't have to, Caitlin, and you don't have to go back to get him. Go forward, and find a way to connect with him again.”
“Sounds so easy.”
“It's not, but it's worth it. Love is the only thing worth figh
ting for.”
“I think you're right,” Caitlin said, as Ella's eyes fluttered.
“I need to sleep a bit,” Ella whispered. “Will you sit with me for a while?”
“Of course,” Caitlin said. She sat for a long time in the dark, listening to Ella's even breathing. Eventually Caitlin lowered her head, although not to sleep. Instead she prayed, asking God for the strength to accept the past, and for Ella to be with them in the future.
Thirty-one
Nathan Parker had one hell of a long night. His daughter Erica was an adolescent, and he'd long since forgotten what it was like to take care of infants. He'd had little sleep, and was due to report to work later in the day. If he didn't get a few minutes to close his eyes, he wouldn't be worth a shit.
He sat in Rita Holling's kitchen, gripping a cup of instant Maxwell House, with the intensity of one who was desperate. And, he was. If the coffee didn't kick in before the baby monitor blared to life, he was afraid he might have to call for back-up.
His head lolled forward, until it was resting on his chest, and immediately he was asleep. As he often did, he dreamed of his wife. In the dream, she was young, like when they'd first met. He remembered her toenails had been painted pink. She had been wearing white sandals and a little blue dress. It had been a breezy day, and the gentle wind had captured her perfume, a soft lilac scent, and had carried it to him. He had been mesmerized, and had taken her in with all of his senses. She was beautiful, and she smiled at him the first time she saw him, with a smile that had been inside of her for twenty-two years, a smile reserved for just the right man. For Nathan. He reached for her and their fingers nearly touched. The dream was always the same. Every time, he nearly touched her.
From somewhere just outside consciousness, he thought he heard the front door open and close.
“Nathan,” someone whispered, and he smiled in his sleep.
“Patticakes,” Nathan whispered, using the nickname he had called his wife.
Caitlin, who was standing over him, inhaled sharply. He was dreaming of his wife.
“Nathan,” the voice said again, and hesitantly Nathan Parker opened his eyes, but sleep called him quickly back. He wanted to hang onto the dream, to hang onto the memory, and to defy what was possible, to bring Patti back with him. He couldn't, but he always held part of her with him. The love remained. The love they'd shared stayed with him always. He fought against exhaustion and the lure of the dream, until finally he opened his eyes. Caitlin sat beside him, holding tightly to his hand.
“Good morning,” Caitlin whispered, and Nathan yawned loudly.
“Wow, you look as bad as I feel,” he said without thinking. Immediately, he apologized. “Sorry, Cate. How'd it go?” he asked, as Caitlin moved across the kitchen in search of the coffee pot.
“Ella made it through the night,” Caitlin said, sounding exhausted. “I'm going to have some coffee, and take a shower, and then I'm going back with your mom.”
“What about the twins? And, speaking of them, shouldn't you be taking better care of yourself?”
“I'm fine. I need to be there for Ella. Rita knows that. She's offered to watch the twins.”
“How is Rita?”
“She seems okay,” Caitlin replied.
“Are you okay?” Nathan asked. The question had sounded stupid in his head, and equally so aloud.
“No.”
“What can I do?” Nathan asked.
“I don't know,” Caitlin admitted, keeping her back to him. “I'm exhausted, hurt and betrayed, and scared as hell that Ella and I will never be able to make up for lost time.”
“What did the doctor say?” Nathan asked.
“The doctor said she's holding her own, whatever the hell that means. He said that Ella's had diabetes for a long time. Ella told me she hadn't been to the doctor in over two years, and she told Liz she knew something was wrong. She was scared, Nathan. So, she didn't go. Untreated diabetes causes a lot of problems, and in Ella's case it caused heart failure. The doctor also said she is at risk for another heart attack or a stroke. She needs surgery, but she isn't strong enough right now. If she gets better, they'll operate in a few days.”
“That sounds bad, Cate.”
“I know,” Caitlin said, as the coffee pot gurgled on the counter. “I feel helpless, Nathan. I wish I could do something, but I can't. All I can do is be there for her.”
“Good morning,” Rita said, coming into the kitchen. She looked like a train wreck, and Nathan laughed before he could stop himself.
“Thanks,” Rita said.
“I'm sorry, Rita,” Nathan said. Rita paused to look at her reflection in the toaster, and shrugged. Her hair was sticking out everywhere, but it didn't look much worse than it normally did. She smoothed it back with her hands, and wrapped it with a rubber band she had in her pocket.
“Better?” she asked, and Nathan nodded.
The baby monitor sparked to life. Someone was crying, and Nathan looked terrified.
“I'll get them,” Caitlin offered, without so much as a glance at her mother.
“How's it going, Rita?” Nathan asked, as Rita passed him a fresh mug of coffee. Nathan sipped at it greedily, and it burned his tongue.
“Yeow!” he cried, and Rita rubbed his back.
“Easy, tiger.”
“Are you two okay, Rita?” Nathan asked softly. Rita sat beside him and sighed.
“I don't know.”
“I understand.”
“I don't know if I can fix this, Nathan. Caitlin is hurt, and angry, and I did that. I did it, Nathan. I knew I should have told her. I should have told her as soon as she was old enough to understand. I cheated her, and I cheated Ella. I robbed them of the relationship they could have had, and now it might be too late.”
Nathan wasn't sure what to say. He simply looked at Rita with sympathy in his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he finally whispered.
“Me too. I don't know what to do. You know Caitlin sat in that room with her all night. She just sat there watching Ella sleep. Your mom and I stayed in the waiting room down the hall. I checked on them a few times, and Caitlin was just sitting there holding Ella's hand. All night.”
“She's a good person, Rita. She'll find a way to make peace with all of this. You just need to give her time.”
“All I ever wanted for Cate was calm seas, a life without storms.”
“No one has that, Rita.”
“I know. Look at us now.”
“You'll be okay.”
“I know, but I'm worried about Caitlin. I'm so worried, Nathan.”
Caitlin's voice sounded from the monitor. “You pooped in your hair, Rogan. How does someone poop in their hair?” Cate asked, and Nathan and Rita both smiled.
“Glad I'm off duty for this one,” Nathan said with relief, and Rita nodded. The monitor grew quiet, and they both sat sipping coffee for several minutes.
“I made a lot of mistakes, Nathan,” Rita said, sounding tired. “I tried to make us into a family. I wanted to give my daughter a sense of family. That's what I promised Ella I would do. Look at Caitlin now. She's a single mother with two little babies, grieving for the love she walked away from.”
Rita sighed, grateful the baby monitor only carried voices one way. She could still hear Caitlin taking care of the babies, allowing her a few more minutes to talk.
“Rogan, how did you get poopie in your hair?” Caitlin's voice said through the baby monitor.
“Her vocabulary is certainly improving with motherhood,” Nathan said, and Rita nearly choked on her coffee. The light moment passed immediately, and the conversation took on a serious tone once more.
“I love her,” Rita said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “From the moment Ella laid her in my arms, I loved her. Still, I felt like a thief, Nathan. I felt like I had stolen Ella's happiness.”
“I don't think Ella sees it that way,” Nathan said, sipping gently at the coffee.
“Of course she doesn't. Ella isn't
like that. I think it always hurt her, but she accepted it.”
“Did you, Rita?”
“I don't know. There is something between Cate and me, something I put there. Something born of guilt. I loved her, but I always felt guilty, like I didn't deserve her. But I do love her, Nate. I love her so much. “Do you think she knows how much?”
“She knows,” Caitlin said, from the doorway. She held one baby in each arm. Rita stood and reached for her grandson. “She knows,” Caitlin whispered, putting her arm around Rita. Nathan smiled as he watched them. He glanced at the clock and yawned loudly.
“You should get some rest, Nathan. Do you have to work today?” Caitlin asked.
“I switched with someone. I'm gonna take a nap and go see Ella. I'll probably see you there later, if you go with my mother,” Nathan said to Caitlin.
“You don't mind, Mom?” Caitlin asked, and Rita shook her head.
“Not at all. The babies will be fine with me. I'll take them out to the shop with me. I'm just worried about you, Cate. You must be exhausted.”
“I'll be fine. I'll sleep tonight, and I'll sleep better after I see Ella. I need to see her,” Caitlin said cautiously, and Rita nodded.
“I'm here for you, Cate. Whatever you need,” Rita said softly.
Caitlin smiled a weak smile and sat beside her mother at the table. The phone rang, and Rogan let out a screech.
“Okay, that's my cue. I'm off baby duty,” Nathan said. He crossed the room and planted a kiss on Caitlin's cheek.
“Thank you again, Nathan,” she whispered.
He smiled at her, and hugged Rita. Rogan let out another fierce cry.
“This one's gonna give you trouble,” Nathan said to Caitlin, who nodded in agreement.
Nathan disappeared out the door, leaving Rita and Caitlin alone in the kitchen. Rogan whimpered in his grandmother's arms, as she stood with the phone on her shoulder.
“I'll let her know,” Rita said, before hanging up the phone. “Liz said she's going back about eleven. She'll call before she leaves the house.”
The House of Roses Page 17