The House of Roses

by Holden Robinson

  ***

  Caitlin opened her eyes to find the world around her had grown dark. A soggy bag of frozen corn lay on the chaise lounge beside her. She was on the porch, and could hear sounds coming from inside the house. Rogan was crying. She pushed herself to a sitting position, stood carefully, and steadied herself with the porch railing. Her head felt like someone had hit it with a wrecking ball, but she felt lonely and detached, and needed the company more than the rest. That need propelled her into the kitchen.

  “Pizza,” she said, as the glorious aroma filled her nostrils. “How long did I sleep?” she asked, and Rita looked at the clock.

  “A couple of hours,” Rita said. “Do you feel better?”

  “My head hurts like hell,” Caitlin said, and Rita shook hers.

  “I'm glad Stan was on hand to look you over,” Rita said, grateful for the doctor who had also been her friend for years.

  “I guess if you're gonna knock yourself out, it's handy if your mother is good friends with the local medical staff.”

  “He said you'll be fine, but he agreed you're overdoing it. I told him you've been spending a lot of time running back and forth to Manhattan,” Rita said, as Caitlin sat beside her.

  “I can't imagine staying away,” Caitlin said. “Where did the pizza come from?” Caitlin asked, changing the subject.

  “Nathan brought it,” Maria said. She sat beside Nathan at the table, and Caitlin was pleased to see how comfortable they'd become with one another.

  “Thanks, Nathan,” Caitlin said.

  Caitlin could hear the giggling of two young girls coming from the living room. “Who's that?” she asked, turning toward the sound.

  “It's Erica and Becca. They wanted to see the babies. Everything all right in there, girls?” Nathan asked.

  “Rogan peed on Becca!” Erica shouted.

  Caitlin started to rise, and Rita stopped her. “I am on baby duty, kiddo. You stay here.”

  “Okay,” Caitlin said.

  “I'll have to run her home to change,” Nathan said. “I'd like to swing by and see my dad at some point. He just got home this afternoon, and I didn't see him last weekend because I was out fighting crime,” he said with a smile. “Maybe we could all get together again tomorrow.”

  “I'd like to go see Ella again, and maybe take the twins. I know how much she would like that,” Caitlin said.

  “Well, how about a picnic in the afternoon?” Nathan asked, and Maria nodded. “And, maybe we could all go see Ella after that. It's supposed to be a nice day.”

  “We should take advantage of the weather. Who knows how long it will last,” Caitlin said.

  “Sounds like a plan, girls,” Nathan agreed, before standing to leave. He leaned over to kiss Caitlin's cheek. “Stay off your ass, kiddo,” he whispered. He took her hand and squeezed it warmly, and she smiled at him.

  “I'll walk out with you,” Maria said to Nathan, as she winked at Caitlin.

  Caitlin smiled, but inside she felt sad. They made it look so easy, although she knew Nathan had been through hell, and wished every happiness for him. She wished the same for Maria, who had a habit of getting love wrong. She closed her eyes and remembered the night she had met Colin. It had been easy then. When had it gotten so hard? They had taken each other for granted, of that she was certain. It wasn't his fault, or hers. They had each stopped trying, and had let themselves drift apart, but love still bound them. She had to believe that.

  “It got quiet in here,” Rita said, as she rolled the stroller into the kitchen. “This boy has a bladder the size of a horse. I've never seen a baby so wet,” she said playfully, and Caitlin smiled. “I'll get their bottles ready and we'll feed them. I'll heat up some of that pizza for you,” Rita offered.

  “I probably shouldn't eat it, Mom.”

  “You need to eat, Caitlin. You can't go hungry.”

  Maria returned wearing a broad grin, and Caitlin smiled. “Did you kiss him?” she mocked, reminded of Maria's question in the tent.

  “He kissed me on the cheek. I may never wash it,” Maria said, giggling like a teenager. “He is a really nice man, you guys. I am so glad I came this weekend, and not just because of Nathan.”

  “I'm glad you came, too,” Caitlin admitted, and she was. She had isolated herself for far too long, hiding from everyone.

  “I'm thinking about leaving the city, Cate. I've been thinking about it for a while now,” Maria said, sounding wistful.

  “Wow. What would you do?” Caitlin asked, genuinely surprised.

  “I don't know. I haven't thought it all out yet. I think I just decided.”

  “That happens here, Maria. This is a good place to think. Things seem clearer when you're away from the rat race of the city, don't they?” Rita asked, and Maria nodded. “I can't imagine living anyplace else.”

  “I'm staying,” Caitlin said. “I'm going to write my new book here. I guess I'll figure it out along the way, and hopefully work things out with Colin.”

  The three women chatted for thirty minutes, while Rita fed Rogan, and Maria looked totally at home with Hannah in her arms. Caitlin was grateful for the company, and they were sipping coffee and talking about their lives when a timid knock came at the kitchen door.

  “I wonder if Nathan came back for a night cap,” Caitlin said, arching a brow at Maria.

  “He did,” Rita said, glancing out the kitchen window. She laid Rogan in the stroller, and Maria laid Hannah beside him. Nathan stepped into the kitchen, and Caitlin inhaled sharply when she realized he'd been crying.

  “What happened?” Rita asked. Caitlin watched the blood drain from her mother's face, and felt it drain from her own. She knows. I know.

  Three seconds that felt like three hours passed with an agonizing slowness, and all three women stood and waited as Nathan took a ragged breath.

  “Ella died,” he whispered.

  Caitlin started sobbing, and Maria took her arm and led her back to the table. Rita took Nathan in her arms, and they held each other and cried for what seemed like forever. Caitlin held tightly to her friend's hand, and laid her head on her shoulder. Maria whispered words of comfort neither would remember, and the kitchen became a symphony filled with sounds of sorrow.

  “What happened, Nathan?” Maria asked, bravely breaking the silence.

  Nathan cleared his throat and tried to speak. He felt no shame and made no move to hide his heartbreak. He wiped his eyes on a tissue Rita offered, and with a trembling hand, he took the glass of water she had poured him. Caitlin looked at her mother whose face was deathly pale, and she knew her heart was breaking. Caitlin knew how she felt. She felt the same.

  “Sit down, honey,” Rita said. Her voice was already raw from crying, and for the first time in a long time, Rita Hollings looked her age.

  Nathan took the chair she offered, and Rita sat by his side. Caitlin and Maria sat across the table. Their hands were still linked, and tears still slid down Caitlin's face, although more slowly.

  “Here, sweetheart,” Rita said, passing a tissue across the table to her daughter. Caitlin took the tissue, and Rita seemed surprised when she didn't let go of her hand.

  “I'm sorry, Mom,” Caitlin whispered, and Rita only nodded. There were no words of comfort she could offer. It was horrible to lose someone you loved, and the heartbreak was nearly tangible.

  “I'm sorry, too,” Maria whispered, and when she reached for Nathan's hand, he took it, and held it tightly. “What happened, Nathan?” Maria asked again, and Nathan, who was still crying, but feeling slightly more together, began to speak.

  “She had a stroke about two hours ago,” Nathan said softly, and Rita shook her head. Caitlin said nothing. “The hospital had just called when I got to Mom's. My father was crying. He never cries. I knew the minute I saw him. Mom said they tried for an hour to revive her. The doctor said her body was worn out.”

  “Oh my God,” Caitlin whimpered, as she began to sob again.

  “It's all right, honey,” Maria s
aid, trying to comfort her best friend. But, it wasn't all right. It wouldn't be all right for a long time.

  “Where's Erica. Is she all right?” Caitlin asked, finally finding her voice.

  “She went with Becca so she could change her clothes. I thought it was best if she stayed there. I called Becca's mom, and she agreed to keep her overnight. She won't say anything to her. She's telling her I had to work. I need to get myself together before I tell her. She really loved Ella,” Nathan whispered. He turned his face away, and Caitlin knew he was crying again. “I really loved her, too,” he added, and Maria looked away. Their sadness was heart breaking, and she felt helpless.

  “So did I. My Lord, I just lost my best friend,” Rita said, and Caitlin squeezed her hand tightly.

  “I'm so sorry, Mom.”

  “Me too, honey.”

  “What do we do, Mom? Do we need to do anything?” Caitlin asked.

  “My mother and father are meeting with the funeral director tomorrow afternoon. Mom would like you to go, Cate,” Nathan said. “I know it's such an awkward thing, and I am so sorry for you, more than you'll ever know. I'm sad, Caitlin, but my heart is really breaking for you. I'm sorry, Rita. I mean no disrespect.”

  “It's okay,” Rita said.

  “Mom is going to the hospital tomorrow morning to get Ella's things.” Nathan sighed, a sick, ragged sound, and Caitlin felt a physical pain deep within her. She didn't know how to feel. Her mother was sitting across from her, holding her hand, and yet, her mother had died, and tomorrow she would help to plan her funeral.

  “I think I might be sick,” Caitlin said, rising as quickly as she could.

  “I'll go,” Maria said, following Caitlin. The door to the small bathroom off the kitchen was closed, and Maria could hear Caitlin's soft sobbing. She knocked timidly.

  “Go away,” Caitlin whimpered.

  “No,” Maria said.

  “No?” Caitlin asked, opening the door a crack.

  “Let me in.” Maria demanded, and finally Caitlin opened the door. “Can we both fit?” Maria asked, staring in amazement at the tiny space.

  “You're the one who wanted to come in here.”

  Maria stood in the doorway watching Caitlin try to pace in the small bathroom.

  “What can I do to help?” Maria asked.

  “I don't know. I don't know how to process this, Maria. My mother just died, my real mother, and it hurts like hell. I'm sad, and I feel betrayed and cheated, and I would have said things to Ella, things I'll never get to say now. I don't want to be mad at Rita, because I know her heart is broken too, but I can't help it. What do I do? You're a smart woman, Maria. Tell me what to do, how to feel!”

  “I wish I could, Caitlin. I know being angry with Rita won't help. You can't know what it was like for her to carry that guilt all those years. I'm sure she has regrets, everyone does. I'm sure Ella did, too. If you want my advice, and obviously you do, or you wouldn't have asked, all I can say is don't do anything tonight you'll regret tomorrow. Don't blame Rita. You need her, and she needs you. Remember, no matter what we do, we can't change the past. All we ever really have is now.”

  “You really feel that way? That doesn't sound like you.”

  “I know. It sounds like my therapist.”

  “You're in therapy?” Caitlin asked, the crisis at hand momentarily forgotten.

  “Yeah. I had to finally lay my own past to rest. Besides, I didn't have you to drink and cry with anymore. I had to do something.”

  “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shut you out of my life.”

  “See?” Maria asked.

  “See what?”

  “See what regret does?”

  “I know. What do I do?”

  “Go out there and hug that poor woman who looks like she's ready to collapse. Comfort her, Cate, and let her do the same for you. She doesn't know what to do either. No one does when this happens. We just do the best we can.”

  “It's not fair,” Caitlin said, as her shoulders began to shake again. She began to sob, and Maria put her arm around her.

  “Of course it's not fair. Nothing's fair,” Maria whispered. “Come on, honey. Come back to the kitchen with me. We'll just get through it.”

  “Okay,” Caitlin said, sounding like a child.

  Caitlin padded slowly back to the kitchen with Maria at her side. Nathan sat quietly, staring out the window. Caitlin could see Rita on the front porch, and she saw a thin sliver of smoke rising toward the porch light.

  “She's out there,” Nathan whispered.

  “Mom?” Caitlin said, as she stepped out onto the porch. “I'm sorry.”

  “Me too, Cate.”

  “I don't know how to feel about things.”

  “Me either.”

  “What do we do? How do we get through this?”

  “I know what Ella would want,” Rita said, turning toward her daughter. Her face was streaked with tears, and Caitlin saw that she was shaking.

  “What would she want?”

  “She'd want us to be okay. She wouldn't want this to tear us apart. She'd want it to bring us closer.” Rita's voice cracked with emotion, and Caitlin put her arms around her.

  “Then that's what I want. We'll do this, Mom. We'll do it for Ella.”

  “I'm sorry, Caitlin, for everything.”

  “I'm sorry, too.”

  “I'm glad you're here,” Rita whispered.

  “So am I.”

  “Please don't go. Can you stay, like you planned? Can you stay, at least for a while?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can we be close, Caitlin? Can we be a family again?”

  “Yes. You're my family, Mom. You always were, and you always will be.”

  “I'm going to miss her so much,” Rita whined, and Caitlin could feel her mother's thin body shake against her own.

  “I know. Let's go back inside, Mom. Nathan needs us. This is a lot for him, too.”

  “I know.”

  Nathan sat at the kitchen table, sipping wine from an old Tupperware cup.

  “I didn't know where you kept the glasses,” Maria said.

  “In the hutch in the dining room,” Rita replied.

  “Are you guys all right?” Nathan asked.

  “Honestly, no,” Caitlin said softly. “But we will be.”

  Rita smiled a weak smile at her daughter, and Nathan stood to hug her.

  “Did you wash that cup?” Rita asked.

  “After the blender incident? You better believe I did,” Nathan said, and everyone laughed. The laughter sounded good.

  “You know what makes me really sad?” Caitlin asked, and everyone looked at her. “The babies will never know her,” Caitlin said, and the tears welling in Rita's eyes spilled over again.

  “They will, Caitlin,” Maria whispered, and Caitlin looked at her. “They'll know her, because you did. You'll tell them about her. You will, and Rita will, and Nathan will. They'll know her because she'll live on in the people who remember her.”

  “They'll know her, Cate, because you'll write about this,” Rita said.

  “I don't know if I should now.”

  “Aunt Ella would want you to,” Nathan said, and Caitlin nodded.

  “Let's get through the next few days, Cate, and when you start your new book, the right words will come,” Rita offered, and Maria flinched.

  “Like the last one?” Maria asked, and Caitlin swatted her.

  “This one will be different,” Caitlin promised. “It won't be empty.”

  “Speaking of empty,” Nathan said, holding up the orange cup. “I'm not big on liquid medication, but do you have any more wine, Rita, and maybe a cup that isn't orange?”

  “There's wine in the cellar. I'll get the glasses from the hutch.”

  “I'll get the glasses, Mom. I don't feel up to doing those rickety stairs,” Caitlin said.

  “Thanks, Cate.”

  “So, how are you enjoying your time with me?” Nathan asked softly, after Caitlin and Rita had left
the kitchen. Maria looked at him and managed a weak smile.

  “I'm glad I'm here.”

  “Me, too.”

  Nathan's cell phone rang, and he politely excused himself and walked into the living room. He reappeared a moment later.

  “Was that Liz?” Rita asked. She stood at the counter opening a bottle of wine, looking slightly more composed. Caitlin looked crushed, but she had stopped crying. Still, Nathan had to avert his eyes from her to keep himself together.

  “She wanted to know if she and Dad could come over here. She doesn't know what to do with herself. I told her that was fine.”

  “It is,” Rita said. “I can make coffee.”

  “I'll put the babies to bed,” Caitlin said.

  “I'll help you,” Maria offered.

  Caitlin picked up Hannah and held her to her shoulder. “This is what people mean when they talk about the circle of life,” Caitlin said, as she rubbed her daughter's back. “They come into the world, and someone else leaves. I just wish it hadn't been Ella.”

  “Me, too,” Rita said.

  “Yeah, me too,” Nathan said. He had helped himself to another glass of wine, and took a long sip as he watched Caitlin and Maria with the babies. “They're so precious, Caitlin. They'll give us all the strength to get through this.”

  “You're right, Nathan. They're so beautiful and so sweet, and they have no idea how sad we are. They're so innocent, and all I want to do is protect them, because I never want them to be hurt.”

  “Everyone gets hurt, Caitlin,” Maria whispered.

  “I know. I know that, Maria. I know they have to find their own way in life, and find their own way to cope with things that hurt them. I know how I'm going to get through this. I'm going to write. I'm going to write about Ella. That's what I'm going to do.”

  “Remember, Caitlin, you don't have to figure everything out right now,” Rita said, and Caitlin nodded.

  “I know. I'll be right back, guys. I'm gonna take them upstairs.”

  “Okay, Cate,” Rita said. “Thanks for helping her, Maria.”

  “Thanks for letting me,” Maria said, as she followed Caitlin up the stairs.

  “Are we going to be okay?” Rita asked Nathan, when she was sure they were alone.