What about yourself?
The question made no sense. He would become whole only if Jenny allowed him to be. The past was in the past for a reason. They’d both made mistakes. They’d both shouldered equal blame for their marriage weakening, oozing out from under them like a mud foundation during spring thaw.
With Jenny standing frozen in her bedroom’s center, silent tears streaming down her too pale cheeks, Barbara gave her one last, fervent hug while delivering another whispered message.
Colby said, “Catch you later. Rose and I are a phone call away if you need anything.” He clamped his hand around Tanner’s shoulder and squeezed before helping Barbara down the narrow stairs and out of the house.
Tanner heard the front door open and close. He heard the SUV’s powerful engine starting, revving, then slowly fading away. Above all, he heard the pounding of his heart. The beat was all-encompassing, thumping not just in his chest, but fingertips, toes and head.
When it came to reconditioning himself for getting back to the firehouse full-time, he had a workout plan for each day. But in the matter of making his own wife love him? Tanner was flying by the seat of his pants.
The notion was part freeing, part terrifying.
“I’m hungry,” Jenny said.
Tanner glanced her way to find her swiping tears with the backs of her hands.
“What sounds good?”
“I’m not sure. What did I used to eat?”
Tanner bowed his head. “Nothing.”
“Did I need to lose weight?”
“Nope.”
“It’s funny how my shrink yammered on and on about accepting myself where I am, but it’s getting harder when all I learn about myself is that I could be a pain in the ass.”
“You enjoyed looking good,” Tanner said with a shrug. “Nothing wrong with that. Before the fire, we both used to be gym rats.”
“Now?”
“I can’t speak for you, but I take walks. Grow the wood pile. I’m gradually getting stronger, but it’s different.”
She nodded. “That sounds nice. May I come with you? On your walks? Gathering wood?”
“I guess. But you—”
“Wait—let me finish. I never liked walking or gathering wood?”
He laughed. “Nature wasn’t your thing. After all, you had your manicure to consider.”
She started to speak, but then held her hands in front of her, inspecting her now stubby and unpainted nails. “Do you think I need a manicure?”
“Do you want one?”
“I don’t think I could stand being that close to another person. Since my sleep, I’m not sure why, but I need space.”
Her sleep? Is that what she was calling a coma from which he and her family feared she may never wake?
“Do you have pizza?”
“What?” Her thoughts seemed all over the place. She jumped from deep issues to the most random things. “Probably? I usually have a few frozen ones. There might be mozzarella if you want—you know, to jazz it up. Better yet, we could run to the lodge. Nugget makes his own Italian sausage.”
“No,” she said with a vehement shake of her head. “I’d rather stay. Here. But I want to help.” She brushed past him in the hall. It disarmed him that she didn’t smell the same—a blend of her favorite floral perfume and hairspray. Pricey lotions and creams. Her current scent was clean. Shampoo. Maybe laundry detergent? Not at all unpleasant, just different. He liked it, but this was just one more facet of her he’d need to relearn.
His trips to see her in San Diego had been beyond awkward. Uptight, seated on opposite ends of her parents’ floral couch with Barbara watching his every move. She made him feel like a junior high kid with his first girlfriend as opposed to his pregnant wife.
“Between us,” he said, “you always were the better cook.”
“Finally, at least something I can do.”
“You did plenty.” He followed her down the stairs, noting how tightly she gripped the rail. “Your scrapbooks were a big hit. You made them for all your friends. In fact, Lilianna was always saying how you were good enough to turn your hobby into a business.”
“Really?” She’d reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to face him, eyebrows raised. “I think I might like that.”
“Then you should make it happen.”
She hung her head. “I wouldn’t know the first place to start.”
“If you want, we can figure it out together.”
“Thank you. That sounds nice.”
Getting the pizza into the oven didn’t take much effort, meaning he was all-too-soon searching for something new to keep their conversational ball juggling. “The oven usually takes longer than I expect. Since we’ve got at least twenty minutes before we’ll need to check it, want to see the yard?”
“I guess that would be all right.”
“Great.” He took a red hoodie from a hook near the back door. A gift from his crew, it had Kodiak Gorge Fire Chief in big letters screen-printed on the back. On the front, the same had been embroidered in smaller script. They told him they didn’t want him to forget he was expected to resume his former position. “How about putting this on? I’m sure it’s getting chilly.”
She took it with a faint smile, tugging it over her head. Of course, it was far too big for her slight frame, but she looked cute. He couldn’t get enough of her adorable baby bump. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Let’s go.” On a whim, after opening the back door, he held out his hand to help her across the deck and down the steep stairs. To his pleasant surprise, she accepted his offer.
The feel of her palm clasped to his made his chest swell with hope and his eyes sting. He’d never been the overly sentimental type, but ever since the fire, he found himself appreciating life’s simple pleasures that he’d once taken for granted. Sunrises and sunsets. Sharing a beer with friends. And now, holding his wife’s hand.
At the bottom, he expected her to release him, but she didn’t.
Instead, she clung tight while they moseyed across their new backyard’s uneven slope. Though the mowed weeds could hardly be called a lawn, he’d manicured nature as much as possible in hopes she’d find it welcoming.
“I’m not sure what I expected,” she said, gazing out at the expansive valley view, “but this is… Wow.”
“Yeah… I feel the same. This view never gets old.”
They happened to look at each other at the same time. When their stares locked, he prayed she might find a moment of familiarity, but there was none.
He cleared his throat. “Our old house was in a fairly typical neighborhood. It was nice, but nothing special. The kind of house and lot you could find in Ohio or Iowa or a hundred places in between. I picked this house because it reminds me of just how grand this place—Alaska—really is. The view makes the few inconveniences worth it. Endless summer days and winter nights. Not having an Olive Garden or McDonald’s on every corner.”
“I get it.” Her faint smile made him think maybe this time around she did. “I love San Diego, but this… It’s majestic. Like standing in a painting. Is that your trail?” She pointed toward the well-worn path leading into a conifer forest that he used for morning jogs.
“One of them. Feel up for a little exploring?”
“Yes, please.” She still held his hand.
Together, they left the sunny clearing that embraced their home, exchanging it for a world of shadows and slanted sunbeams. A fitting metaphor for their marriage’s next chapter. A little mysterious, yet beautiful. For Tanner, filled with hope.
Pine needles softened their footsteps.
The rich, pungent smell took the edge off his nerves.
They should turn back to check on the pizza, but when she paused on the next bend in the winding trail where the forest gave way to marsh, her smile proved more powerful than his growling stomach.
“They’re stunning,” she said of the wild iris blooming along the marsh’s edge. She dropped
his hand to charge ahead, running with the excitement of a small child. He missed their physical connection, but couldn’t get enough of her joy. “So many—like a blanket of blue.”
“They’re a couple weeks early. Must be putting on a show for you.”
Her grin was contagious. “I like it. Can we come here every day?”
“As much as you’d like. The exercise and fresh air will probably do us both good.”
“In all the times you visited, we never talked about how the fire affected you. Are you all right?”
“I will be.” It touched him that she cared. “I’m getting stronger all the time. After I got you out, on my crawl through the bathroom window, a portion of the ceiling caved on my back. I was stuck in a burn unit for months. But I met some great people. My favorite had to be my main nurse, Stephie King.”
“Like the author?”
“Exactly. Her parents have a thing for his work. Anyway, without her, I doubt I could have made it through. She was quite an inspiration.”
“Were you attracted to her?”
“In a way.” The question caught Tanner off guard. Could his wife be jealous? “I admired her drive and the way she refused to put up with any of my B.S. One day, I was so determined to see you that I escaped my bed. I was too weak to stand and ended up crashing. It was bad. She gave me a good scolding, but promised as soon as I was strong enough that she’d take me to see you.”
Her smile faded. “But our reunion wasn’t what you’d hoped?”
Wincing, he shrugged. “It was what it was. I can’t blame you for having been in a coma.”
“Still… I’m sorry. That had to be rough—working toward a goal of a romantic reunion only to have it fall far short of your expectations.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
“At that point, maybe you should have left me for her.”
“Stephie?” He snorted. “She’s too much of a ballbuster. Besides…” He glanced down, then up. “I’ve always had a thing for you.”
Heat rose in her cheeks, making her even more pretty.
“Want me to pick you an iris bouquet to take home?”
“No, thank you. I’d rather see them here. Can we visit again tomorrow?”
“Absolutely. But for now, I’m thinking we should get back to check on our pizza.”
“Okay.” She returned to the trail, but then glanced over her shoulder at the flowers and stumbled.
On instinct, Tanner reached for her, not just steadying her, but drawing her and their baby into the safety of his arms. How long had it been since he held her? He wanted to stay this way forever, breathing her in. Her new clean, crisp scent and that old familiar something of her that he recognized on his most basic instinctive level as belonging to him.
He’d expected her to immediately push him away, but when she didn’t, he kissed her forehead. “I’m so glad you’re home.”
“This feels good. Right. But that’s confusing because I don’t know why.”
“That’s okay. Just go with the good part and we’ll work on the rest.”
She nodded against him, but then drew away. “The pizza. We should might check.”
“Good idea. Let’s go.” He offered her his hand. “Need help?”
She cocked her head as if his question raised confusion deep inside her. He’d noticed her awkward word phrasing. Could that be a roadmap to her feelings? He hated the thought that he’d upset her. On the flipside, maybe she needed an emotional shake to remember.
Chapter Seven
JENNY COULDN’T BREATHE or think. Her only focus was the exhilarating flutter in her chest. What was wrong with her? Was this a heart attack? Was the baby coming early? Since her sleep, everything felt strange, but this…
She took a step back from the man who was supposedly her husband.
Aside from the wedding photos her mom had showed her, there was no proof she and Tanner had shared their lives. “I talk friends.” Stupid. She hated when her words failed to come out right. She knew what she wanted to say, but the information got tangled. She shook her head, fighting the knot in her throat.
“Relax.” He took her hand, holding it softly, stroking the back as if she were a precious gift. “There’s no need for you to be stressed around me. Let’s just get to know each other. That’s all. Are you wanting to talk to your former friends? Is that what you were trying to say?”
She nodded.
“Perfect. Rose wants to throw you a welcome home party Saturday night. I told her it was too soon, but should I tell her to forge ahead?”
“Yes. But I’m also scared. What if they’re mad and I can’t remember? What if my words get jumbled and everyone laughs?”
“Babe… These are good people. They love you. They all want nothing more than for you to make a full recovery and be happy.”
“I’m still scared.”
He released her hand to draw her back into his arms. Because he felt solid and warm against her, and smelled of sun and sweat and a masculine something she couldn’t identify but knew she liked, she wrapped her arms around him, too. With her ear pressed to his chest, she heard his heart pounding as fast as hers.
What did that mean?
Did she make him as nervous as he made her?
They stood like that forever, holding each other in that enchanted glade, bathed in golden sun, lauded by a chorus of songbirds and wind whispering high in the pines.
“We should check on our pizza,” he said.
When he released her, she felt bereft. Weak-kneed and confused and sad, yet excited.
He offered his hand.
Bowing her head, fighting a secret smile, she accepted.
Nearing the trail’s end, a faint beep warred with nature’s pleasant hum.
“Shit…” Tanner dropped her hand, then took off running.
“What’s wrong?” she shouted after him.
“That noise is the smoke alarm!”
ACTING ON PURE adrenaline and instinct, Tanner ran into his home when he should have called 9-1-1. But before his injuries, before his entire life had gone up in flames, he’d been on the responding end of emergency calls.
Black smoke rolled from the oven, making it hard to find his way. His lungs ached from the effort of finding clean air when there was none. He felt along the counter for a dish towel, found one, then turned off the oven and opened the door, standing back when more smoke billowed into his face. He wrapped the towel around his hand, then withdrew the charred dinner remains. Charging out the back door, he ran across the deck, tossing the pan and still smoking contents into the yard.
After propping open the back door with a deck chair, he reentered the house to open windows. And then he was back on the deck, dropping to his knees, trembling, crying like a stupid-ass kid. What was wrong with him? He didn’t cry. Never cried. Only since his agonizing months spent in recovery, he now did. Constantly.
The fact disgusted him.
Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why did he have to come off as vulnerable and weak in front of the only woman he’d ever loved?
“It’s okay.” She knelt beside him. “It’s just a pizza. We’ll forage for a new dinner.”
“This isn’t about the pizza,” he snapped. “Look at me. I’m a wreck. That fire stole everything—you. Our home. My career I loved. I feel like an empty shell. I want to show you how much you mean to me, how desperately I love you and our baby, but how can I do that when I might not even have a job to return to? Last I checked, the fire department doesn’t need guys who are afraid of fire.”
“Stop kicking yourself when you’re already down. How can you say you’re afraid of fire when you just ran into a house that could have been burning? That was incredibly brave.”
“…Or stupid.”
“Maybe…” She slipped her arm around him, drawing his head to rest on her shoulder. “But let’s get one thing straight—you don’t have to impress me. Right now, my past is a puzzle I’m working to figure out. That’s m
y job. All I need you to be is patient. Kind. I don’t need a hero. Just a friend.”
Great. But he already had plenty of friends.
What he needed most was his wife…
Chapter Eight
SATURDAY NIGHT, JENNY would have felt more comfortable facing a moose herd than dozens of people she was supposed to know, but didn’t. Introduction after introduction was made. Hugs and more hugs and smiles. Yet none of this outpouring of affection made sense when delivered by strangers.
Had Tanner been more affectionate, maybe holding his arm protectively around her waist through each new encounter, she might feel better. Ever since he’d held her by the marsh, she’d craved his slightest touch. Or was it just his attention? How was she supposed to know?
The hostess’s log home was lovely with a soaring A-frame ceiling and wall of windows overlooking a gorgeous view of what Tanner had called Kodiak Gorge—a rocky masterpiece forged by nature with impenetrable cliff walls and white-water surging over stepped falls.
A Welcome Home banner hung from the rafters and a cake featured a photo of her with a smiling group on New Year’s Eve. Only five short months in the past, yet so much had changed—vanished.
“I’m Lilianna and this is my husband, Brody.”
“Remember me? I’m Colby, the guy who flew you in from Anchorage. This is my wife Rose. She used to spend more time with you and Lilianna than me.”
“Did not!” the vibrant brunette said with a playful elbow jab to his ribs.
“Nice to meet you,” Jenny found herself saying over and over again, forcing a bright smile, praying for one face—any face to make sense.
Tanner had been beside her through it all, but still not touching her. Why not? She would have appreciated even the simplest gesture. Maybe resting his hand on the small of her back? Reminding her that though she might feel alone, she would always have him. But what if she didn’t? What if like this roomful of strangers, she never remembered what they’d once shared?
Be My Valentine, Baby Page 4