For me? Or Hawk?
“She’s in recovery now, but the surgery was fairly routine and a complete success. I don’t expect any lasting effects from her earlier fall.”
“Thank you.” As angry as he was with her, Tanner was also that much in love. He shook the doctor’s hand, thanked him again, then a nurse guided him to the clinic’s third floor, one-room maternity ward.
“Wash up,” the maternity nurse said, “then put this on, leaving it open in the back.” She handed him a pale blue hospital gown. “The restroom’s on your right. When you’re ready, press the metal plate on the wall to your left, and it will open the nursery door.”
Tanner nodded, thanking the woman before completing his chores.
Even though he didn’t know if Jenny’s baby was his, he desperately wanted her to be. He deserved her to be. Surely fate wouldn’t be so cruel as to steal this infant from him when he’d already lost so much? Even though he and Jenny were finally headed in the right direction as a couple, that didn’t mean she was the same woman he’d known before.
Maybe that was a good thing?
For now, all he wanted was to focus on his daughter. He refused to give light to the fact that Hawk could be her true father.
“There’s your daddy,” the nurse said in a sing-song voice to the sleeping pink bundle in a clear plastic bassinet. “Mr. Muldoon, if you’d have a seat in the rocker, I’ll bring the baby to you.”
Tanner complied. He could hear no sound other than his pounding heart.
He held out his arms and when the nurse landed the baby in his hold, his eyes welled with tears. Never had he seen a more beautiful sight—other than the baby’s mother.
Tracing his pinkie finger along her delicate brows and cheeks, Tanner scarcely believed the tiny angel was real. Had it really been only a few hours earlier since he’d talked to the baby in her momma’s belly?
“I don’t know much about pageants,” he whispered when the nurse resumed computer work on the opposite side of the room. “But if I were a judge, it would be a shoo-in for you to win.” The sleeping infant’s swaddling prevented Tanner from inspecting tiny fingers and toes, but he figured it was a pretty safe bet that they were as flawless as the rest of her.
He lost track of how long he rocked his daughter.
The next thing he knew was that a different nurse woke him, suggesting he return later that morning. A glance at a glowing digital clock showed it was 4:12 a.m.
“Do you know if my wife has left recovery?”
“Not yet,” she said. “But she’s been assigned to Room 302. Feel free to wait for her there.”
“Will do. Thanks.”
He left the nursery’s tight quarters to emerge into an equally cramped waiting area. How many new fathers had stood in this very spot? Enthralled by their son or daughter? Tanner envied them. The ease with which they’d slipped into their new role. He didn’t have that luxury. The realist in him had to face the fact that the precious baby girl may not be his.
The knowledge was crushing.
Though he was stone sober, exhaustion had Tanner stumbling down the hall like a drunk.
He finally reached Jenny’s room only to add insult to his already critical emotional injuries.
Hawk had helped himself to the room’s recliner, snoring loud enough that Tanner heard him while still out in the hall.
“Son of a bitch,” he muttered under his breath.
Unable to be in the same room with the guy, Tanner turned to leave, but then Hawk said in a groggy voice, “Stay.”
“I can’t deal with you now.”
“Tough.” Hawk worked the side lever that pulled in the recliner’s footrest, abruptly sitting straighter. “You have to know I wanted to tell you a hundred times. Jenny was going to tell you, but then there was the fire. She was hurt and you were hurt and…” Hawk hung his head, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I’ve always looked up to you, man. You’ve been like a big brother.”
Tanner snorted.
“Jenny never planned any of this. When she was with me, she truly believed she was officially divorced from you. If I hadn’t also believed, I never would have been with her. If it hadn’t been for that screwy paperwork, this never would have been an issue. She wanted a forever kind of guy, and you and I both know that’s not me.”
Armed crossed, Tanner pressed his lips tight.
“When she told me she was pregnant and didn’t know who the father could be, she was mortified. The good news for you is that she flat out told me she prayed the father wouldn’t be me. You’ve gotta believe I’ve prayed for the same. If the baby does turn out to be mine, I’ll sign her over. I’ll—”
“You don’t mean that. You can’t. I’ve held her and trust me, that bond is intoxicating. In an instant, you’ll know you’d be willing to give your life if it guaranteed her safety.”
“See, man?” Hawk pressed his hands to his chest. “That’s what I’m talking about. You get it—life’s bigger picture. It’s not about chasing the biggest wave or adrenaline junkie thrills, but love. People who make you love. I want that, but I must be missing a gene. No matter how many times I try, I always screw everything up. But you?” Hawk laughed. Shook his head. “You were born to be a husband and father. There’s nothing I want more than for you and Jenny to raise this baby girl and be a happy family. When you left, I tracked down the doc, explained the situation, and got him to order a paternity test. A lab tech already swabbed my cheek. After they check you and the baby, we’ll know—I’ll call the lab tech up here now. But like I already said, it doesn’t matter. Regardless of the results, you deserve to be this baby’s father. She equally deserves you.”
Nice words, but did Tanner dare believe him?
Then there was the issue of how dirty he felt inside about Jenny’s lies. All that time he’d been fighting to recover for her, she may have been dreaming of growing strong enough to once again be with Hawk. Without her regaining her memory, how would he ever know?
What should have been the happiest night of Tanner’s life had grown horribly complicated.
Chapter Fourteen
JENNY WAS SLOW to wake, but when she did, the first awe-inspiring sight that greeted her was that of her husband holding their baby girl. “You look good holding her—like you’re already an expert daddy.”
“Thanks. How are you feeling?”
“Tired. Sore. I’m not sure which hurts worse, my head or the surgical site. But none of that matters. All I want to do is hold our angel.”
He brought the baby to her, settling her into Jenny’s arms.
Instant tears warmed her cheeks. “She’s a true miracle. It’s crazy—how back when I was barely showing, I doubted I even was pregnant. But then the bigger I grew, the more I realized my parents and sister were telling the truth—that I was married.” She swiped tears, but needn’t have bothered as more followed. “I’m so sorry it took all these months for me to realize how much you mean to me. I love you, Tanner.”
“You don’t have to say that.” He stood with his back turned to her while he stared out the picture window at sun burning mist from the lake.
“Of course, I don’t have to say it. I want to. The three of us—our perfect little family—it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Hmph.”
“Tanner? Is everything okay?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” With his attention back on her and their baby, he flashed a smile. Was it her imagination or did it seem forced?
The baby fussed.
Jenny fought a tinge of panic. “What do I do?”
“She’s probably hungry. Were you planning on breastfeeding? This all happened so fast, I never thought to ask.”
“Yes. I for sure want to feed her myself. You’d think it would be natural, but would you mind getting a nurse? I’d love a few pointers.”
“No problem. I’ll be right back with help.”
While Jenny inspected her daughter’s eyelashes
and button nose, for a moment she froze, thinking she’d heard raised male voices in the hall. When they stopped as soon as they’d started, she resumed her adoration.
She’d expected to love her baby, but nothing could have prepared her for the all-consuming wonder of holding the precious infant in her arms. She already knew the perfect name, and assumed once Tanner heard her idea, he’d agree.
“What a wonderful life we’ll have,” she said. “You, me and your daddy will be so happy. Just wait till you see your pretty house. Don’t tell your daddy, but I think it looks like a cupcake.” The baby returned her stare. “What are you thinking? I’m excited for us to share long talks about books and boys and parties. But promise you won’t grow up too fast? Adulting can be tougher than it looks.”
The room’s door creaked open, and a nurse walked in. “Your husband says you need help breastfeeding?”
“Silly, right? I mean what could be more natural.”
“Relax. Sometimes it’s tricky. But I’ll try making the learning process as painless as possible.”
“Thank you. Before we start, do you know where my husband ran off to? I thought he’d be back with you.”
“No telling. If he’s like most proud papas, he’s off buying cigars. The gift shop has tobacco and bubble gum varieties.”
Jenny smiled. She loved the thought of Tanner bragging about their baby girl almost as much as she loved him. And just now, she realized how much she had grown to love him. It hadn’t been any one grand gesture, but a slow build. Their shared walks. The swing he’d built for her on the back porch. The flowers he’d helped her plant. Even that burnt pizza endeared him to her when he allowed her to see his flaws. She no longer needed their past because she’d been gifted with their dazzling present.
“I PAID EXTRA to rush the test.”
Tanner sat across from Hawk in the hospital’s snack bar. The smell of coffee and bacon made his stomach growl, yet Tanner was too nauseous to eat.
“Colby flew our swabs to Anchorage. The lab promised results by this afternoon.”
“Good. I want this mess behind us ASAP.”
“Roger that.” Hawk nursed a black coffee. “I really am sorry.”
Tanner waved off his apology. “We’re all somewhat to blame. Maybe me most especially for sleeping with her again even though we were supposedly divorced.”
“File it under shit happens.” Hawk took another sip. “I meant what I said. This test is merely a formality. If the baby is mine, I want you to raise her.”
“You don’t mean that. Until you hold her, really spend time with her, you’re unqualified to make that big of a decision.”
Deflecting, Hawk asked, “Did you and Jenny decide on a name?”
Tanner shook his head. “Until the paternity question is answered, I’d feel like an imposter even weighing in with my opinion.”
“Get over it. You are this baby’s father. It’s a done deal.”
“Have you held her? Even looked at her?”
“No, but—”
“I rest my case. Until you hold her, breathe her in, you can’t know. It’s impossible.”
Just like this whole situation.
Thirty minutes later, Hawk had left for work and Tanner bought a daisy bouquet and stuffed pink rabbit from the gift shop before trudging back upstairs. He didn’t have energy for the stairs, but needed the extra time to gather his thoughts.
Dare he take Hawk’s words at face value? Could any man—even one as outwardly self-serving as Hawk—give up his baby girl sight unseen?
It wasn’t plausible.
Which meant that until Tanner learned he was officially a father, he couldn’t celebrate the fact. All he could do was long for it to be true.
“It’s about time,” Jenny said when he entered her room. She held the baby to her right breast. The sight was so lovely, so innocent, his breath caught in his throat and eyes stung from fresh tears. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m good.”
“Are you? Because, sweetie, you look exhausted.”
Sweetie?
After placing the flowers and rabbit on the rolling nightstand, he settled into the recliner and closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear to look upon Jenny and her baby. The thought of neither being his was unbearable. “It was a long night.”
“I’m sure. For me, it’s all a blur. I hate that you must have worried.”
“I already told you—it’s all good.”
“If you say so…” They shared the silence save for the baby’s occasional mews and grunts. “In other news, I thought of the perfect name.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“In honor of your mother, Mckynley Claire. I saw her while flipping through one of the scrapbooks Rose gave me. She was a beauty. I remembered that photo of her standing in front of Mt. McKinley and how Rose explained your grandmother wanted your mom named for the mountain, but at the time she made out the birth certificate, she couldn’t remember how to spell it.”
Tanner squeezed his eyes shut. The name was an extra special remembrance of his mom, whom Jenny had never met. Which left Tanner feeling like the fraud for not coming clean to her about their situation.
But if the baby did turn out to be his, why trouble her?
If the baby wasn’t his?
He’d somehow find a way to deal.
Chapter Fifteen
“YOU SHOULD HAVE told me.” Tanner slammed his palm against the eight-top table he occupied at the lodge along with most of his supposed friends. Hawk was conspicuously missing.
“Everything okay over here?” Nugget, the cook and owner stopped by to refill waters and iced teas. “Y’all seem tense.”
“We’re great,” Colby said with a hint of a smile. “We’re here to celebrate the birth of Tanner and Jenny’s baby girl.”
“I was real happy to hear you two worked things out. Any chance of reopening the fishing lodge? Not a day goes by that someone around here doesn’t bellyache about missing it.”
“Afraid not,” Tanner said. “I’m probably heading back to the fire station. It’s satisfying work.” If Tanner told himself the standard line long enough, he might one day believe it. Until then, he could hardly stomach building Jenny a fire in their hearth. He didn’t want to see fire or smell it or hear about the devastation it caused. He knew far too much about it firsthand.
“That’s a shame,” Nugget said. “But congrats on that baby. Bring her and Jenny by for supper. On the house.”
“Thanks,” Tanner said. “I know she’ll like that.”
Once Nugget passed through swinging doors to the kitchen, Tanner eyed each and every person at that table with disdain.
“You all are my family. How could you keep this from me?”
“How could we not?” Rose asked. “Think about it? By the time Hawk told Brody and he confided in everyone else, it was never the right time. You were recovering and Jenny was in a coma. We couldn’t risk you learning this news, then falling into a depression that might have hurt your rehab. Once Jenny woke, we all breathed easier, assuming she’d tell you. But then we learned about this whole amnesia thing and we knew we were really screwed. We all held our breath that night when she kissed Hawk. I don’t know why he didn’t at least tell her everything when he had her alone. You have to believe none of us ever set out to purposely hurt you.”
“We love you, man.” Brody’s expression was sincere. “No matter how this turns out, someone’s going to get hurt.”
Please, God, don’t let that someone be me…
Tanner’s phone dinged, signaling he’d gotten an email. He opened the app. His stomach fisted when he read the subject heading from the lab: Muldoon/Stark Paternity Test Results.
“Is that it?” Colby asked.
Patrick glanced over Tanner’s shoulder. “Yep.”
Lilianna reached for Tanner’s phone. “Let me read it.”
Tanner gladly handed it over.
At first, she was silent, then he witnessed tears po
ol in her eyes, spilling over onto her cheeks. “Oh, Tanner…”
She backed out of her chair, dashing around the table, crushing him in a backwards hug.
“What does that mean?” Rose asked, snatching the phone to skim the letter herself. “Oh. Oh, no…”
Forcing a deep breath, Tanner said, “Let me guess, I’m not the father of my wife’s baby?”
Rose shook her head.
“IT’S ABOUT TIME, you got back. I was—oh, Hawk. I was expecting Tanner. Not that I’m not happy to see you, but…” Jenny smiled. “Tanner left for lunch with the gang a few hours ago. He should have been back by now.
“I get it.”
“Did you see our baby? I swear, she’s already got her daddy wrapped around her pinkie finger. Tanner practically glows when he sees her. His whole face lights up. And his eyes…” She felt a cheesy grin coming on. “I love when his pale eyes sparkle.”
Hawk cleared his throat.
“You look sick. Are you coming down with something? If so, you should probably leave. The nurse took the baby for her bath and to spend time under her sunlamp to prevent jaundice.”
“I heard. I sat with her—the baby—in the nursery.”
“That’s nice, but…” She narrowed her gaze. “I thought they only allowed immediately family to visit?”
“Jenny…” His voice was hoarse. “We need to talk.”
“I-is something wrong with Tanner? Why do you look so sad?”
He tipped his head back, rubbing his palms over his whisker-stubbled cheeks. “Where do I even start?”
“You start with my husband. Is he okay?”
“Yes—physically, he’s fine. But I think I know the reason why you lost your memory. You’ve—we’ve—been keeping something from him that we can no longer hide.”
“What are you talking about? You said yourself that the two of us were awful together.”
“Look, I’m just going to say it. Your baby? She’s mine—not Tanner’s. I told him I was prepared to give her up. Sign her away to be raised by both of you, but after holding her, I realized I can’t do that. My whole life I’ve searched for something—someone—to ground me. To make me stop taking stupid risks with my life and—”
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