by Silla Webb
“I put a ring on it, you can plan it as long as we are married by July.”
“July?” I laugh, curious as to why he’s so eager to marry me. Hell, it’s nearly April. How the hell am I supposed to plan a wedding in three damn months? I think he’s lost his friggin’ mind.
“The baby is due in September, right?” I nod. “You can’t be travelin’ after the seventh month, darlin’. So marry me by July and you’ll make me a happy man.”
“So you want me fat, barefoot and pregnant when you marry me?” I twist around to look at him, with my eyebrow cocked. My dream wedding doesn’t include any of the above.
“You’re beautiful regardless, baby. You handle the wedding and I’ll handle gettin’ you moved in here.” He peers at me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for my reaction. I drop bread into the toaster, then plate his food. He pulls the barstool out waiting for his food and I can see now he could get used to being waited on hand and foot.
“Okay, living arrangements haven’t even been discussed yet. What makes you assume we plan to live here?” I ask, sliding a plate across the island to him.
“Simple.” He cocks his head to the side like I should know the answer without him stating the obvious. When he sees that I’m still expecting an answer, he huffs and says, “Because I said so; leave it at that.” Did he really just try to play the man card? Go ahead, Colton, pull the man card and watch me rip that bitch in half.
“Oh hell NO. You did not just say that!?” I laugh at his brazenness. “Care to explain in further detail, why you ‘say so’?” I mock with air quotes.
“Alright darlin’, but don’t get pissed. I’m just bein’ honest. First, I sure as hell ain’t livin’ in your childhood home. With the amount of shit Big John kept buried deep, I ain’t about to sleep where his skeletons lie.” He holds up another finger and delivers a blow that I didn’t see coming. “Secondly, you must think I’m one dumb son of a bitch to sleep in a frickin’ room where another man had MY woman.” Yep, he went there and knocked the wind right outta my damn lungs. I nearly choke on a bite of bacon as his words wound me, but he doesn’t even notice as he continues to deliver his point home. “Lastly, this is Heidi Jo’s home. That little girl has only known this house and Momma’s. I can’t interrupt her life just because mine is changin’. We can build on, whatever we need to do, but this is our home now.”
I sigh, biting down on my lip, considering his explanation. I didn’t expect him to bring Luke into it, but what should I expect? He’s still wounded. I’m just grateful that he is looking forward more than he is looking behind him.
“Okay, that all seems fair. And it will be nice to have your mom close by when they baby is born. I’m a little clueless and to be honest, I’m scared shitless.”
“You have nothin’ to be worried ‘bout, baby.”
“By the way, when the hell did you have time to buy an engagement ring?” I ask taking a sip of orange juice.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told ya, so I’ll keep it my own little secret.” I cock an eyebrow up at him and he sighs in defeat, rolling his eyes at me. “Alright, you win as usual.”
He scrubs his hand roughly up his face, taking a deep breath. “I bought your engagement ring right after we got back together; when you came home in the fall. I know it was a bit eager on my end, but I’ve always known I was gonna marry you, Carly Jo. I had planned to ask you to marry me on Christmas Eve, but then you left me after the accident. I put it away, because I knew you’d come back, I just didn’t know when.”
My mouth drops open wide and he tips my chin, closing my lips together firmly before kissing me gently. “So you’ve had it all this time?” I ask looking down at my hand.
“Yep, and it took everything in me not to ask you when you found out you were pregnant.” He shakes his head as his eyes drift shut, and I can see the agony of the last three months wash over him. “I knew you weren’t ready though. These last three months, Carly Jo, the rocky cliff we’ve balanced from gripped me so tight, some days I just wanted to give up. Thankfully, God didn’t let me lose my faith in you.”
I climb into his lap wrapping my arms around his neck, clinging to him like my life depends on his touch. “Thank you for not giving up on us. I can’t imagine life without you, Colton.” Tears trickle down my cheeks, but he quickly kisses them away.
“Don’t cry.” He shushes, consoling me. It’s bittersweet tears that I cry. We’ve both wronged the other. But after all of the lies, secrets and destruction we have dragged the other through, we find our way back together.
Chapter 21
DESPAIR
de·spair
verb di-ˈsper
: to no longer have any hope or belief that a situation will improve or change
Luke flops down, placing his arms across the back of the couch, relaxing instantly between Carly and me. A sweet smile splays across his face and the sparkle in his eyes as he speaks causes goose bumps to blanket my flesh. I scoot closer to the edge of the couch putting distance between Luke and me. Pulling in a deep breath, I pinch my eyes shut as I gather my thoughts.
You’re married, Savannah. Yeah, your husband is an abusive bastard who could care less about loving you, only uses you to feed his need for control. But remember, Savannah; you made vows to be a faithful, loving wife. Until Josh gets tired of beating the shit out of you, endure the abuse and smile through the tears. Nobody cares about your pain.
“Savannah, you okay over there?” Carly says pulling me from my internal monologue.
“Yeah, sorry got lost in thought I guess. What were you saying?” I ask looking from Carly to Luke. As soon as his eyes capture mine I feel naked and exposed. My eyes well up with tears but I bite them back before they spill over my lids.
“Luke was asking you about Josh. I know he’s not much of a get together kinda guy, but where is he?”
“Oh.” I say, wringing my hands nervously in my lap. “He had to travel to North Carolina this week for work.”
“What’s he do?” Luke asks, his eyes piercing through me like a dagger. It isn’t a look that’s terrifying, but a look that leaves me feeling vulnerable.
“He’s in coal sales.” I say quietly. Carly chooses this inopportune time to go to the bathroom, leaving me to my own devices. I look down at my hands trembling in my lap then glance up at Luke quickly before searching the room with my eyes, looking anywhere but him.
He gently lays his hand on top of my wrist and jolts of electricity surge through me stemming from my fingertips all the way down to my toes. Inching closer to me, too close for my comfort he leans in with a whisper, “Savannah, I hope I don’t make ya nervous, sweetheart.”
My eyes flutter to his and the blue swirling ocean waves of his irises calm me briefly. “Sorry, I-I get nervous with men. I-it’s nothing to do with you, really.” I stammer, my tongue feeling too thick to talk. He squeezes my hand lightly before letting go and giving me space. I release the breath I’m holding and rub my sweaty palms down the top of my jeans.
“I understand. Please, don’t be nervous with me though. I promise you, I don’t bite.”
Carly returns to the living room just as Emma begins to say her goodbyes. Realizing how late it is, I gather the kids so we can head home. Passing around hugs to everyone, my heart stops when Luke gives each of the kids a high five, then opens his arms to hug me. I don’t want to be rude, so I slip one arm around his waist and hug him quickly. Before I can step away he embraces me closely, both arms tightly around my waist with his face pressed into my hair. “Take care of yourself, sweetheart.” He whispers before releasing me.
I step away from him, nodding my head as I keep my eyes trained on him. Bumping into Carly, she laughs and wraps me into a hug. “Girls day, we gotta do that again soon.”
“Sounds good.”
“Once we find out if the little monkey is a girl or a boy, we’ll close down Babies ‘R’ Us, okay!” She giggles; the excitement and happiness radiates from her.
I’d give anything to have just a morsel of her joy. My knight in shining armor is really just an oger in disguise and my happily ever after is the nightmare no woman should ever have to live through. But I plaster on that fake ass smile that is beginning to crack at the seams.
Pulling down the long driveway of our estate I hit the garage door button on the visor, and as the door pulls upward my heart constricts when I see Josh’s truck in the garage. He wasn’t supposed to be home from North Carolina until Sunday. I glance at the clock on the dash, checking the date and time, sure that he said Sunday, not Wednesday. I gather the kids from the back of the SUV and tell Brailee to get her shower first so they can get ready for bed. When we walk into the living room, the kids run and jump into Josh’s lap, squealing with excitement that he’s home early.
The kids have been blessed. They have never seen Josh raise a hand to batter my face. Hell, I don’t think they’ve ever truly saw him angry. The picture they portray of their daddy is what every innocent seven year child should see; a sweet, loving Daddy who hung the moon and stars high in the sky. He rough houses with them as they tackle him to the floor and he tickles them both into a fit of laughter. I stand quietly, watching the rare genuine smile that melts to his face as he plays with the kids and it tugs at my heart just a little. I want to love my husband so badly, but after all of the heartache and physical pain I’ve sustained, my heart has hardened and I’m merely the empty shell of the woman I once was.
“Alright kids, it’s past your bedtime so get your showers and get in bed.” Josh stands firmly on his feet, speaking with cold, hard steel laced in his voice. The kids run off upstairs to get ready for bed and as soon as they are out of sight he approaches me.
“Glad you’re home, honey. What cut your trip short?” I ask tipping up on my toes to peck his cheek. He leans into me running his fingertips down my bicep, gripping my elbows tightly in his fist.
“Where the hell have you been, Savannah?” He inhales deeply, sniffing my neck then my sweater. “Why the fuck do you smell like cologne?”
“Cologne?” I question, turning my face into my shoulder inhaling Luke’s woodsy scent. A soothing calm envelops me until he tightens his grip pinching my flesh with his steel corded hands. Stammering around my words I try to explain, but I know it will do no good. “Carly invited us over to dinner so she and Colton could announce that they are expecting. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“You still didn’t answer my question, Savannah. Now, why do you smell like fuckin’ cologne?”
“I-I don’t know. I hugged Colton before I left, maybe it’s his cologne you’re smelling.”
I try to pull away from his grasp, but he grips my throat in his hand, dragging me up to meet his face. A blazing inferno of hatred flashes in his eyes and my body shudders in fear. “Are you a fuckin’ whore, Savannah?” Tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to let him see me cry. I refuse to thrill his demented, masochistic mind by letting him see my pain.
“N-no,” I mutter slowly as my throat runs dry, begging for air as he clenches my throat harder.
“Get the hell upstairs, bath the kids then take your fuckin’ trashy ass to the bedroom and wait for me there.” He spits through gritted teeth, his saliva spraying on my lips. He drops me to the floor and stomps off to his office.
I trudge upstairs slowly to help the kids get ready for bed. After they’ve had their baths and brushed their teeth, I read them a bedtime story before tucking them in tightly. As we whisper our nightly prayers, I pray for protection from my husband’s hand. Kissing the kids goodnight I flip off the light, pulling the door behind me softly so they don’t have to hear my tortured cries.
I know the affliction that Josh has planned for me, and I have to will my cemented feet to move, dragging them slowly behind me as dread soaks through my bones of what awaits me.
Opening our bedroom door, I hear his mantra, “Confessions of Hatred” by Sevendust. He always taunts me with psychotic blasts of metal when he’s angry. The lyrics of the songs lash at me, and I feel all the hate he harbors for me without him lifting a finger. Just make me a playlist filled with all of your disgusting screaming lyrics, expressing the dark hatred that fills your veins. But please don’t continue to crack everything that I am.
The room is dark, but the embers of his cigarette light up momentarily, drawing my attention to the corner of the room where he’s sitting. He only smokes when anger controls him. I ignore his presence, going into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. Find the courage to fight, Savannah, my conscious urges me but I don’t think I have the strength.
Before I can pull the fleece bottoms over my thighs, Josh rips the bathroom door from the hinges, splinters of wood scattering about the floor as he thrusts me against the wall with his fist tightly clenched around my throat. My head smacks the wall and my vision blurs. I lurch forward as his knee slams into my stomach knocking the air into my throat. I can’t breathe. He squeezes my throat tighter, and the sinister smile that meets his flaming, wild eyes paralyzes me. My eyes roll back and I pray for death to carry me home.
“Don’t you pass out!” He screams in my ear, jolting me back to reality. He throws my body through the door way and my head crashes into the footboard when I land. Stomping towards me, Josh grips his fist through my hair as he leans down and spits in my face. “Open your damn eyes, you stupid bitch. I want to see the fear in your fuckin’ eyes as I inflict you with my hatred.” He slams the heel of his foot into my stomach and my knees wince forward as I roll to the side, vomit spewing from my lips, splattering all over his feet. “Nice! Fuckin’ nice!” He yells, covering his mouth with his hand. He hates vomit. The thought, the sight, the smell disgusts him. He stomps into the bathroom to wash his feet off, leaving me lying miserably on the floor.
“Josh, please.” I beg and I don’t know whether I’m begging for him to kill me or to just leave.
“Clean that fuckin’ mess up now, Savannah. Then get your ass in the bed, so I can teach you a lesson you’ll not forget.” He yells from the bathroom.
I find the strength to crawl into the bathroom. The tears that glaze my eyes dry instantly when I look in the mirror. Emptiness stares back at me and I don’t recognize the woman I see gazing back at me. Disgusted by the reflection pleading with me to find a safe harbor, I pull Lysol, an old cloth and bucket from the cabinet.
My sides ache in protest as I bend down on my hands and knees to scrub up the putrid vomit. Taking my time, I scrub harshly against the carpet trying to bore Josh from inflicting me more. The song switches on the iPod and the metal thrashing sound of Some Kind of Monster by Metallica grips my heart. Josh clutches my elbow, dragging me behind him then he forcefully tosses me on the bed. He strips my clothes from my body then tugs my hair back in his fist. “On your fuckin’ knees,” he spits across my face.
Obeying his commands I crawl up the bed on my knees, burying my face in my pillow. Suffocation would be an easier death than enduring this pain. I hear the metal of his belt cling as he removes it from his pants and my body cringes knowing what’s next.
“You disappoint me, Savannah.” LASH, I wince in pain as the leather belt collides against my ass cheek. “You’re a lot of things; a pitiful excuse for a wife, a terrible mother, a stupid bitch.” LASH. “Don’t fuckin’ move again.” LASH. “You wanna be a filthy whore? Comin’ into my damn house reekin’ of another man’s cologne; I’ll treat you like a fuckin’ whore.” LASH. My knees give out and my legs tremble beneath me with each lashing. He fists my hair in his hand again, pulling me up from the bed against his chest. “Did I tell you to lay the fuck down, Savannah? FUCK NO!” He yells in my ear and I break. Just like he wants me to I beg and plead for forgiveness, and reprieve.
“Pl-please stop. I-I’m sorry.” I cry, but my plea is lost on him. He lashes the belt against my ass one last time and I cry out loudly. When I hear the zipper of his pants I turn around quickly crawling backwards up the bed. “Please, just beat the hell out of me, knock me out I don�
��t care but please, please, Josh, I don’t want to feel you like this. Please!”
He grabs my ankles sliding me down the bed towards him. He backhands me across my face then forces my legs open gripping my hips strongly as he enters me. I pierce my eyes shut and sob softly in to my hands. He grips my throat in his hands choking me as he thrusts into me.
“Look into my fuckin’ eyes, Savannah. I want to see the pain and fear you feel; it excites me. I crave it.” He seethes with gritted teeth and I obey. I stare into the eyes of the monster who stole my heart, as he pumps into me roughly. Staring into his fiery eyes, I fall away from his abuse and hatred, lost in my own solace as he finds his release. A void consumes me and although my heart still beats, my soul has finally died.
Lifeless. My heart still pumps blood through my veins as it flows freely through my body. But my soul escaped my body last night, my desire to live-gone. My bones ache in protest as I roll to my side, every inch of my body aching. I find the strength to sit up taking my time to catch my breath before standing. Slowly, I make my way into the bathroom and the reflection that screams from the mirror stops me cold. I touch my face, wincing in pain from the swollen bruises that stain my delicate flesh. Yellow, purple, blue, black bruises blanket my body and I know in this moment that I’m lucky to be alive.
I’ve suffered too many times at Josh’s hand, but my body has never been so badly battered. I’m confident when I die, my blood will stain his hands and rage roils through me knowing that it was only by the grace of God that I opened my eyes this morning.
How the hell did you let it go this far?
You’re a beautiful woman; not a damn punching bag!
Run! Take your babies and run as far as your legs will carry you!
The reflection yells at me.
I recognize the small mousy voice and her eyes look familiar.
I want to be strong and fight back, but I’m defenseless.