I narrow my eyes and look around. Kristi Eckly, a girl who used to take pleasure in shunning me as a show of loyalty to Sienna, smiles slightly before rushing away.
Is it possible to feel your heart beat in your stomach? Because that’s how it feels right now. As if my heart is actually pulsating in my stomach, reverberating through my limbs.
But I swam last night, so I shouldn’t be nauseous. No, it’s not nausea, it’s nervousness. Something isn’t right here.
I see Nikki up ahead, and I nearly do my usual—veer out a side door. But then she nods her head at me, as if she’s totally okay with my being there. I almost stumble to a stop, but somehow I manage to keep my feet shuffling along the ugly brown carpet.
I blink, several times, waiting to see if a whole new picture swims into focus. A normal one, with people glaring at me or avoiding me altogether, but blinking doesn’t change things.
It’s as if I’m . . . normal again. As if I’m one of my old clique, and they’re okay with me. As if they don’t all hate me.
I’m torn between grinning like an idiot and hiding in the bathroom. Because I want to just ... slip it all back on like a perfect pair of jeans and go right back to the way it once was, back when I was happy. Back when I knew what it felt like to laugh so hard my sides hurt. It would be so easy to smile at the people who are looking at me right now.
But the other half of me knows I can’t possibly have all that back, that I can’t step one foot on a path that could lead to more death. Sienna is one thing, but the whole group? They’ll invite me to parties. Ask me to hang out with them during football games. I’m scared of that. Of how much I want it.
They’ll have expectations. And questions.
I shove my hands into my fleece jacket as I see Sienna approach. She’s smiling at me, a wide natural smile. She saunters over in kneehigh black-leather boots with a khaki skirt and maroon turtleneck, looking every inch the A-lister she is. “Hey.”
I nod. “Hey.”
I still haven’t figured out how to treat her, if I should act like the two years of insults and anger never existed. I’m starting to remember how it feels to have her around again.
She makes a better ally than enemy.
“Did you tell people? . . .” My voice trails off because I don’t know what I planned to say next. Tell people what? That she and I hung out for almost two hours without scratching each other’s eyes out? That the whole reason I’ve been such a bitch was because I was secretly in love with her brother? That I mourned him every day, so when he died I went off the deep end?
She chews on the inside of her cheek. “I just told them . . . that we’re . . . talking. And that maybe I needed a little bit of time to figure out what I think of everything.”
I nod, not because I understand what the situation is, but because there’s nothing else I can do. I have no idea what she’s supposed to tell people or what I’m supposed to think. It’s not like they cover this in some kind of class.
Too bad they don’t have siren school. I’m sure if they did, Killing Your Best Friend’s Brother 101 would be required.
“Oh. Uh, thanks,” I say.
She smiles. “Sure. Are we still doing movie night tonight?”
I blink. My face must betray me because she leans against the lockers next to us, lowering her voice. “I know this is weird.... It’s just . . .” She leans in closer. “It’s just . . . I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about all this. I’m so angry at you sometimes, and then I think about what I’ve done to you for the last two years, and I think maybe you’ve paid enough. I don’t know what I really want. But if you want to figure it out with me . . .”
I nod, clenching my jaw. I want to smile, cry, throw my arms around her, everything all at once. I force myself to remain neutral, pretend to be unaffected by Sienna’s offer.
“For, like, two seconds yesterday, it felt like it used to. Before he died. Is it stupid to want that? To forget about losing my brother for once in my life? Maybe we can’t be friends like before, but I feel like we should at least ... see.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, nearly choke on it. I want to tell her it’s not stupid to wish we could pretend like it was two years ago. Because I want the same thing. More than anything in the world.
Maybe . . . maybe it’s not impossible to have it. It could be different this time. I know what I am, what I’m capable of, now. I’ll just have to be more careful. I’ll make sure no one finds out what I am. Or gets hurt because of it.
I’m tired of being alone.
“So . . . movies?” She straightens, acting like the admission of weakness, of normal human confusion, never occurred.
“Yes,” I say. “That’d be great.”
“Awesome. I’ll come over around six,” she says, flipping a strand of her hair over her shoulder. She starts to turn, but I reach out a hand to stop her.
“Thank you,” I say. “For . . . you know.”
Her eyes soften again. She looks as if she wants to speak, but her lips stay pursed and she just nods.
I watch her walk away before I turn to my locker. I don’t know if that was the right choice. As hopeful as I’m trying to be, fear still gnaws.
I’m standing in line in the cafeteria, tapping my lunch card on the counter, when I feel a hand on my back. “Hey,” Cole says.
I turn and look at him, butterflies taking flight. “Hi.” I look back down at my card, feel a blush creep into my cheeks.
“I saved you a seat.”
I jerk back and look over at Sienna’s table, where two empty seats await.
“Oh, I don’t—”
“It’s cool. I promise. Just come eat with us, for old time’s sake.”
I swallow, glancing back at the table again. I don’t know if I can take this big of a step. I wanted to ease back into things, figure them out as I went along.
I hold my tray out for the lunch lady, who puts a slice of pizza on it.
Cole rests a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. I won’t take no for an answer.”
And then he’s smiling that gorgeous smile of his, and I find myself nodding, paying for my meal, following him across the cafeteria. He takes the seat nearest Patrick, Sienna’s boyfriend, and I take the one on the end. With the group . . . but not part of it.
For a long moment, no one speaks. I take a giant bite of pizza, wishing a big hole would come and swallow me up.
“So how’s your grandma?” Kristi asks, staring at me from across the table.
“Good,” I say.
“I haven’t seen her in forever.”
Over two years, I think. “She’s really into embroidery. If anyone wants a custom pillowcase . . .”
Nikki and Kristi giggle, and all of the sudden, I find myself smiling back at them. “Seriously. I’ve been hiding at least six sets in my closet because I can’t possibly use them all, but she likes making more. Still, I feel bad when she opens the linen closet and it practically explodes all over her.”
“She’s so cute. I can totally picture her in that recliner of hers, surrounded by like a million pillowcases,” Kristi says.
“You should come over sometime,” I say, before I can stop myself. “She’d love to see you again. And you know, I’m sure you’ll receive a lovely custom-made parting gift.”
She laughs again. “Yeah, totally.”
I want to hate the optimism building inside me, but I can’t bring myself to.
I want my friends back.
Chapter Sixteen
I spend two hours cleaning the house. Vacuuming the shag carpets, washing the wood-paneled walls with sweet-smelling Murphy Oil Soap, wiping down the marbled Formica counters, and scrubbing the old pink-ceramic toilets. I even scrub the shower, though obviously it’s not like Sienna is going to use it.
I’m acting as if this movie night is a date night or something. I shouldn’t feel the need to impress the girl who was once my best friend, who knew me better than anyone, with a clean house. But
I do.
If my grandma is suspicious of my behavior, she doesn’t say anything; she just sits in her recliner flipping channels, occasionally glancing at me when I walk by.
At ten to six, the heat blasting from the woodstove has turned me into a sweaty mess, so I jump in the shower. Five minutes later, I’m throwing on a pair of jeans and a vintage T-shirt, running a brush through my hair as I walk down the hall, the freshly vacuumed shag carpet soft between my bare toes.
I hope I look okay. It’s been so long since I’ve tried to look good, but I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard either. I’ve spent two years trying to blend in to the background.
When I reach the living room, I do a double take. Sienna is already sitting on the couch, and she and Gram are laughing.
Neither of them look like themselves. Gram is bright, happy. Sienna is light, airy, chuckling, nothing like the person she’s been for the last two years. Relief surges through me.
Even though I’ve taken a step down a path I’m not entirely sure is the correct one, I have to keep going to see what happens.
Sienna smiles, a big, genuine, sparkling smile. It makes the mask she’s worn for two years seem like a distant memory. She holds up two DVDs. “I went with classic Reese Witherspoon. Cruel Intentions and Legally Blonde.”
“Cruel Intentions is my favorite movie,” I say.
“I know.” She winks at me.
Oh. Right. “Let’s watch that first.”
Sienna hops up off the couch to put the movie in. Right on cue, my grandma stands up. “I’ll leave you girls to it. I have a bit of a headache today,” she says.
“Are you sure? You can stay—”
Gram waves it away, her deeply wrinkled eyes blinking rapidly. The only time she blinks like that is when she’s lying. She doesn’t know I can read her so easily. “Yes, I’m rather tired, so I’m just going to go to bed early today. Popcorn is in the cupboard.”
I suppress the urge to smile. I give Gram a hug, and don’t miss the sparkle in her eyes. Was she really that worried about me? “Thanks, Gram.”
“G’night, Mrs. Wentworth,” Sienna says as she picks up the remote.
“Have fun, girls,” Gram says.
And then she’s gone, and it’s just me, Sienna, and the bright menu screen. It illuminates the living room, somehow making the whole scene feel more awkward, like there’s a big spotlight beaming down on both of us.
Sienna turns to me, and it’s impossible to read the range of emotions on her face. She’s not wearing as much makeup as she does at school. She looks more the way she did when we were younger, before she learned the virtues of eyeliner and blush. A junior high version of Sienna, naturally beautiful and a touch more innocent.
“You know what I was thinking about today?” she asks.
“What?”
“Do you remember when you wanted that blue Gucci purse?” she asks. “We spent three weeks scouring the malls for it.”
I can’t help but break into a grin. “And I ended up buying that knockoff, but you told everyone in school it was real, and they believed you?”
She’s smiling back at me, a totally unguarded smile, one I haven’t seen for two years. It melts what’s left of my apprehension. “You did the same for me with those Prada boots.”
“You mean Prado?”
We burst out laughing. The ice between us shatters. “It’s better than that Channel jacket you bought at a garage sale.”
My eyes widen. “I didn’t know Chanel only had one n!”
Sienna continues smiling as she leans back into the couch, sinking into the floral cushions. “I’ve missed hanging out with you.”
“Me too. I mean, with you.” I stand abruptly. “I’ll go pop some popcorn,” I say. “Do you want a soda?”
“Sure. Just make sure it’s—”
“Diet. I know.”
It’s strange, how the details come back so quickly, as if the last two years never happened.
I toss the popcorn in the microwave and dig out a big plastic bowl, then fill two glasses with soda and ice. I’m back in the living room in no time, settling down at the opposite end of the couch. The popcorn bowl sits between us.
The movie starts rolling, and I mentally revisit the last time we watched this movie together. We were at Sienna’s house. Fifteen, laughing nonstop, talking about boys and clothes and a million other things that I can’t even remember right now but which seemed so important at the time.
“Do you remember that camping trip we went on?” Sienna asks.
“The one with Steven?” My heart leaps to my throat. That had been the weekend I’d decided I was in love with him.
We drive for two hours, past Podunk logging towns and through old mining areas. Steven is on a mission to get to the camping spot, promising us over and over that it would be worth the long drive. He’s at the wheel of his mom’s SUV, his buddy Craig in the passenger seat. The two of them seem so much older than Sienna and me, sitting just behind them in the backseat. They’re so mature, adult-like. Whenever I’m around them, I feel like a silly kid trying too hard to impress them.
Once we pass the last town, we drive up a winding tree-lined county road. Steven pulls onto a gravel logging road edged by soaring hemlock trees.
Finally, Steven announces that we’re there and parks the SUV. Sienna and I throw the doors open, practically falling out into the warm summer air. It’s early August, nearly eight, the sun falling in the sky, but it’s still warm. Steven rounds the back of the SUV and starts throwing our gear out onto the ground, eventually uncovering our folding chairs in the pile of stuff in the back of the car. He arranges the four chairs so that they’re facing each other, and then puts the tiny folding card table between them.
“We need to get some firewood. Do you think you two can handle the tent? The instructions are in the bag.”
For a second, I think he means me and Sienna. I glance at her, but she’s looking at Craig. Then I realize that Steven wants me to come with him. It’s Sienna and Craig who he’s asking to handle the tent.
Steven claps his hands together, meeting my eyes with a mischievous smile. “Let’s go find some kindling for the fire.”
“Okay,” I say, trying really hard not to look him in the eyes, because if I do, I know I’ll blush.
He’s the only guy who has that effect on me.
He slides a mag light from the loophole on his cargo pants. “But we have to go into the woods.” He flashes it right into my eyes for emphasis.
I bat it away, stars freckling my vision. “Quit it,” I say, but I can hardly feign annoyance. I give up and just grin.
“May I escort you, my lady?” Steven says, in a horribly bad English accent, swirling the mag light in front of him like some kind of sword.
“You may,” I say, adding a faux curtsy. He grins, sticking his elbow out.
My heart hammers harder as I tuck my hand into the crook of his elbow. He leads me away from the banter of Sienna and Craig, their laughter dying as we walk into the darkness. The trees soar out around us, and what little light the moon provides dims as we walk under the canopy of the trees.
“Your birthday is coming up, right?” He glances my way, somehow looking . . . shy? I’ve never seen such a nervous, timid expression in his eyes.
I nod. How did he know? Does that mean something? The whole moment seems glossy, surreal, like something I made up as I was falling asleep. Me gripping Steven’s arm, him pretending I mattered.
He stops abruptly. “Did you hear that?”
I freeze on the needle-covered path, immobile as I strain to hear something. A rustling? A snapping of twigs? Other than the yellow beam of Steven’s flashlight, it’s too dark to see anything in the trees. Somewhere behind us Sienna shrieks, but it’s a playful flirty tone, not the sound of impending danger. I will my heartbeat to slow down enough that I can make out whatever Steven heard. I stand stock-still, my head tipped to the side. My dark bangs slide into my eyes.
I jump sky-high, putting at least two feet of air between my boots and the damp ground.
By the time I regain my senses, he’s doubled over, laughing as he clutches his side.
“You jerk!” I smack his arm, but I can’t stop giggling.
“Ow! That was uncalled for!” He scowls at me playfully. “Here, hold this.”
I take the flashlight from him, and before I can take another breath, he grabs my waist and throws me over his shoulder, spinning me around as I shriek and playfully beat on his back. Finally, he drops me back to the ground, but it’s hard to let go of his shoulders.
I don’t want to be apart from him.
As he slowly releases my waist, I know what I feel for him is far more than a crush. My heart spasms in my chest and seagulls flap madly in my stomach.
I stand there and stare up into his eyes for a moment too long, hoping he’s going to kiss me. Instead, he clears his throat, taking the flashlight out of my hand. “Well, how about that kindling?”
I blink away the memory as I realize Sienna is waiting for an answer. “Yeah. I remember the trip.”
She pulls a strand of blonde hair and twists it around her finger as she stares at her knees. “I should have known then that you liked him.”
“Why?” I chew on my lip, tasting the salt and butter from the popcorn. I grab another handful and shove it in my mouth, two kernels falling into my lap.
“We all slept in one tent, remember?” She raises an eyebrow and gives me a knowing look. She gulps down a long swig of her Coke without taking her eyes off of me.
I cough, choke on a kernel of popcorn. “What? I didn’t do anything with him! I swear!”
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