“No thanks,” I say. I don’t feel entirely comfortable being around both of them at the same time. Not after lunch. “I think I’ll show Cole the house.”
I realize belatedly that my excuse is a lame one. Cole has been here more than I have for the last two years. Kristi and Nikki exchange a look, but Erik doesn’t pick up on it.
I drag Cole out of the den. We make our way across the tiled halls and I relish the warmth of Cole’s hand under mine. How did I ever live without touching him?
Somehow, we make it to the stairs. I find myself going up the same path I took with Steven two years ago—only this time, I’m pulling him. I find myself bringing him to the same den, to the same deck, until we’re standing out there, staring at the not-so-distant ocean. It gleams under the almost-setting sun.
I don’t know why I brought him out here. After all my fuss and homework excuses, all my efforts to avoid our spending a date at the beach, here I am, standing on the deck, staring at the ocean as the sun begins to set.
The last time I was here, I didn’t know what I was. What I was doing.
Tonight is different. Tonight I know what a dangerous game I’m playing. But, I have to see, once and for all, how strong the ocean’s pull is.
No matter what happens, how my test resolves itself, I won’t bring him to the ocean. I won’t swim in front of him.
Worst comes to worst, Erik will come to my rescue. He’ll stop me from walking out of the house with Cole in hand. He won’t let me repeat my mistakes.
Cole sits down in the exact same seat that Steven chose. The entire thing replays in my head, one giant loop, over and over. But that’s okay. This is my chance to re-create what happened, to choose a new ending.
I move to the railing and stare out at the ocean. When I don’t sit down, Cole joins me along the deck railing. He’s wearing a warmlooking zippered sweater. Somehow, he steps up behind me and, with his hands in his sweater pockets, envelops me, protecting me from the gentle fall breeze. He leans in, nestling his face against my neck.
Something in me unwinds. Having him this close just feels right, as right as swimming. In that moment, it seems impossible that Erik could be my match; it’s Cole who feels like he was made to fit into my world.
“You okay?” he asks. Again.
“Better than ever,” I say, so quietly I’d think he couldn’t hear. But he must because he leans even closer, so close that his body pushes up against me. There’s no longer space between me and the railing. My backside, my legs, feel warm from his touch.
I take another deep breath, wishing there was a way to slow down the clock, wishing I could stand out here forever, in the last place I ever saw Steven’s smile.
I should feel guilty, should feel eaten alive, but I can’t muster the emotion whenever I’m around Cole. When he’s next to me, it’s like the whole terrible Steven thing never happened and I can just ... be.
“Really?” he asks, returning to his age-old question.
“Yeah, I think so.”
He rests his cheek against the curve of my neck. “Anything you want to talk about?”
I shake my head. “Nope. I just want to stand here all night.”
The sun hasn’t set yet, but it’s about to. I twist around, so that my back is to the ocean and, with it, everything that has haunted me for so long. Cole wraps his arms around my lower back and pulls me in, so we’re hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder. I reach up, interlacing my fingers behind his head, at the base of his neck, pulling him in.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about Erik. I don’t know what makes sense anymore, what I want. I kiss Cole stronger, deeper, and he responds in kind, wrapping his arms around my back. He pushes against me, until I’m pressed into the railing with the weight of both of us. I’ve never felt so hungry, so alive, so desperate to find whatever it is that I’ve been afraid to look for.
Again, it’s Cole who pulls away, steps back just enough that I’d have to move my feet to kiss him again. He shudders the tiniest bit before taking a deep breath and looking at me, desire swirling in his eyes even as he tries to rein it in.
Eventually my heartbeat steadies, and I stop gasping, find myself again, and look away from him, blinking hard to bring the cedar decking back into focus.
“I—” I don’t know what I was going to say. But as I stand there, searching for the words, something changes. I blink several times, trying to figure out what it is. It’s like I was doused with cold water.
I turn around, and that’s when I realize: The sun sank on the horizon. There’s no sliver of light left, just bright orange clouds, streaked with purple. Something familiar wrenches through me, and I abruptly take a large step away from Cole.
The distance is equally devastating.
“I have to go,” I say, refusing to get close to him again.
Cole doesn’t meet my eyes. He just stares at the ocean, darkly intense. For one long, lingering moment, it’s like I could tell him everything. I want to trust him with every secret; he’s the only who’s never judged me.
But he would, if he knew the truth. That soft, sweet look he gives me would never surface again if he knew what really happened to Steven.
My own dad disappeared once he knew. Why wouldn’t Cole do the same?
He swallows slowly, the faint curve of his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I wish you would let me in. I just want to know you.” He steps forward, tips my chin up. “I want you to let the wall down. Just for me.”
I look down, try to hide the sadness swelling inside me. But he tips my chin a little further, so that I can’t evade his look.
“You can trust me,” he says.
“I know,” I whisper, sadness and fear coursing through me. I’m going to lose him before I really had him. I know that now. Being with him clearly isn’t enough to stop the pull of the ocean. And I can never tell him the truth, which means this will never last. For the first time, I begin to wonder if Erik has a point.
“I really like you. You know that, right?” he says.
I force myself to meet his gaze, but it only lasts a moment before I tear my eyes away, because I can’t take what I see in his look. I’ve hurt him. It’s already starting.
I stumble away from him, what’s left of my heart solidifying like a block of ice in my chest. It sinks into my stomach, then my knees, more like a rock than a heart. I never should have done this. Let him in. Led him to believe we’d become something. It was cruel. Stupid. Dangerous.
I can’t lie to him forever.
I make my way back to the door. The very door where I stood that night with Steven when I asked him to go swimming. Maybe this is my punishment for that moment. “I’m sorry,” I say, though I’m not sure it’s loud enough for him to hear. “I know I’m confusing you. I’m . . . God, I don’t know. But I’m sorry.”
Then I twist around and rush through the door and stumble down the steps, the same steps I took that night I held Steven’s hand in mine.
But tonight there’s a difference.
Tonight, I know what could happen, and I know why I’m leaving.
I’m leaving to save him.
Chapter Twenty-Two
It’s as if he knew he should come to the lake. I don’t know how or why, but he’s standing under my tree. Erik. How did he beat me here? Did he race up here, slamming the gas pedal down as hard as I did?
He’s standing there in the shadows, silent, and I walk up and shove him.
Hard.
Despite the fact that Erik outweighs me by at least seventy or eighty pounds, he flies backward and lies on the muddy shore of the lake. I stalk forward, not stopping until I’m standing over him, one foot planted on each side of his hips. “Why do you have to be right?”
I spit the words, so angry I almost choke on them.
But then I see his expression, realize none of this is his fault. He’s hurting as much as I am. He shrugs, still lying in the mud as he turns his face away from me.
“I hate yo
u,” I say, my voice breaking.
“You don’t,” he says simply.
I hate it even more that he’s right.
I step over him and walk to the shore. My toes nearly touch the water. I want to get in and swim right now, my body craving the cool water. But it won’t change anything.
I try to rein in my pain, my anger as he sits up. His sweater is covered in mud. I shouldn’t have pushed him like that. What’s strange is that he didn’t bother fighting back; he just let me do it. It’s as if he knew I needed to get rid of the fury boiling through me.
“So,” I say, turning my attention to the water.
“So . . .?” he asks.
“I want to be with him. Cole,” I say.
“I know.” I hear the edge of pain in his voice. The pain in my chest grows. Why do I always have to hurt people?
“But . . .”
“Yes?”
“He’s already asking so many questions. He’s not going to stop until he knows the truth. And then when he does, he’ll just leave.” I pause, wincing at the way this sounds when I say it aloud. “If I don’t accidently kill him first.”
“I know.”
“You swear you can fix this?”
My question lingers for a long moment. Finally, he finds the words. “I can’t promise you that you’ll fall in love with me. But I can promise that if you do . . . if we do . . .”
I interrupt him, a new idea dawning in my mind. “Why didn’t one of you guys find my mom? She died for this curse. One of you could have saved her.”
“Like I said before . . . you’re hard to find. It’s not as if you advertise what you are.”
“Yeah, I get that. But why didn’t she know about your existence? My curse dates back two hundred and fifty years, and none of them went looking for you guys?”
He looks up at me from where he sits, still in the mud. “I had hoped you’d be looking for me. But I suppose I’m not surprised. Sirens rarely last long enough to pass on the legend.”
I jerk back and look at him.
“I’m sorry. But it’s the truth. Sirens just don’t seem to handle this as well as nixes. Maybe it’s the difference between men and women. Maybe it’s the difference between our curses. It’s just very hard to find a siren who lives long enough to pass the legend down to her daughter. Nixes, on the other hand, we’ve passed this down for generations. We grow up knowing what is to come. What we need to do before we reach our eighteenth birthday.”
“When is your eighteenth birthday?”
“Twenty-seven days.”
I whirl around and stare at him, my jaw unhinged. “A month? Less than a month?”
He blinks and stares back at his muddy palms. “Yeah. That’s why I was so desperate to find you. Because without you? I have no life.”
When I meet his eyes, I snap my jaw shut. Hope. That’s all I see there. He actually wants to be with me, wants me to realize he’s right. Wants me to save him from the things he’s describing.
I’m always the one to cause pain. I’ve never been the one to save someone from it.
“If I agree to this . . . what comes next?”
When he stands, I cringe at the mud covering his backside. He edges forward, so his shoes hit the edge of the water. He’s so much taller than I am—we stand shoulder to biceps instead of shoulder to shoulder. “We spend some time together. I can’t promise you this will work. But if we fall in love . . .”
A second of silence lingers there, and we stare at each other, a hundred things passing between us. He clears his throat. “If we fall in love, the curses break.”
Somehow, the look in his eyes makes everything inside me unravel. I finally see him for what he is: cursed just like me. Screwed is more like it. He’s after the same thing. He’s hoping that somehow we’re okay. Somehow, we can be what everyone else is.
But he’s just as scared as I am that it won’t work.
“So what ... we just hang out?”
He shrugs again, those perfectly sculpted, Greek-god-size shoulders moving upward. “I guess ... I guess we get to know each other. See if it becomes what it is supposed to.”
I swallow and take a huge step into the water. Strangely though, it doesn’t have its usual calming effect.
My physical need for it abates, but my nerves don’t dissipate. “Okay,” I say. I feel as though I’m losing something beloved and gaining something new. It’s Cole for Erik—and a lifetime of possibility. “Let’s try that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. How could I go on with my life without knowing what this is? Tomorrow, I’ll tell Cole it’s over. We can ... We can try. See where this goes. See if it can be something.”
His grin is so wide, it envelops his face. After the darkness of tonight, it’s like the sun is beating down on me, warming me from the inside out. I want to bask in it, enjoy it forever. Maybe with Erik
. . . maybe I could.
Never have to swim again? We could do anything. Be anyone. I can give up all the drama and truly focus on college. Studies. On being someone.
How can I not want to do that? How can I not try? I have to.
And yet as I accept a hug from Erik, all I feel is my betrayal.
Because I still want Cole.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The next morning, I trudge into the halls of CCH. I know I would have lost Cole eventually, but I am dreading what is to come. In 250 years, none of the sirens in my family has ever had a guy stick by her side when he knew the truth. It’s not like I’m so naïve as to think that Cole would be the first.
Besides, it’s not all about Cole. It’s about everyone within a twenty-mile radius. It’s about the curse and not killing anyone ever again. And it’s also about having a life, a real, normal teenager’s life. The kind of thing I’ve dreamt of for so long.
So, that’s it. I trade one person for everything I’ve ever wanted.
And yet, I don’t know how to tell that to the person staring back at me with the most adoring eyes I’ve ever seen. Every second he stares at me, I hate myself more.
“Cole . . .” My voice trails off to a pitiful whisper.
The smile dies on his face, and he stares at me with a look that says he knows that what comes next won’t be good. He reaches for my hand, and all I can do is pull it away, out of his grip.
“I just think . . .” The words choke in my throat. How can I just dump him when he’s the first guy in two years I’ve cared about? The first guy who could hold a candle to Steven? I force the words. “You’re not the right guy for me. I think we should see other people.” I swallow the boulder in my throat. “I think I want . . . someone . . . more into . . .” I can’t even think of a suitable excuse. There is none for what I’m doing.
Cole cares about me in a way no one else ever has. He believes in me when no one else does.
But he will never be mine. And that’s the only fact that matters.
“So this is what it’s like,” Cole says, staring at me, his expression a mix of anguish and awe.
“What?”
“Being on the wrong side of a breakup.”
My lips part, but I don’t know what to say.
Again, he reaches for my hand. This time I let him hold it for one long, lingering, blissful moment. Then I pull away.
“Don’t do this, Lexi.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. It’s the only truth I’ve spoken. “But we both knew this wouldn’t work.”
“That’s not true! You’re scared and you’re running. You know that’s what this is.” There’s an edge to his voice—a note of panic. He knows he’s already lost.
“I’m sorry, Cole. This was all a mistake,” I say.
“How can you say that?” he asks, his voice now gruff and angry.
I fake anger right back. “Look, just because you’re used to getting what you want, doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind. So you can quit with the entitlement.” The words, so much like Ice Queen Lexi, escape before I can st
op them. I guess I’m still good at masking pain with anger.
When he looks at me, his eyes shine with his pain. I just hit him right where it hurts, insinuated he’s still the same guy he was two years ago. If I wanted to ensure he’d never take me back, I just did it successfully. I walk away from him without a word, my resolve weakening with every step, hating myself more and more. But I did what I had to do. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
But it doesn’t change the fact that my heart has disintegrated into a million pieces, leaving a gaping hole where it used to be.
Cole isn’t sitting at Sienna’s table at lunch. His absence seems bigger than anything else in the room.
Erik is sitting in the same spot he’s occupied for the last week, at Sienna’s table. At my table. He’s motioning wildly with his hands, telling some kind of story. Everyone around him hangs on his every word. Less than a month and he’s got them, hook, line, and sinker. I guess it’s not hard to be popular when you look like Erik does—more like a model than a teen. He’s easily the hottest guy ever to sit in this cafeteria. In high school, that means one thing: the A-list.
I’m strangely grateful for that. For Erik fitting right into my old clique. It’ll make everything about this easier. I can fit into my old life, and he’ll fit into it with me.
I look around, trying to find Cole, but I don’t see him, and I can’t just stand over here, frozen. So I fake the best smile I can muster and head to their table. There’s one empty seat, next to Erik, and he beams at me when I sit next to him.
For a long second, the whole table is silent. It’s like I can see them rewinding, remembering the party last Friday. It’s as if they’re asking themselves: Wasn’t she with Cole? Nikki has some weird smirk frozen on her face, something between amusement and anger, like she can’t choose between the two. A blind person would have picked up on the fact that she was into Erik. I hope she doesn’t get upset that I’m going to be the one with him.
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