“It’s not a big deal. You were having a bad dream.”
He turned but didn’t move toward her. He stood in the shadow, light from the window playing across the muscles corded along his arms and chest and the black boxers he wore to sleep. “I could have hurt you, Bianca.”
“No.” She made her voice firm, ignoring the way the hairs at the back of her neck stood on end. “You’d never hurt me.”
“I don’t want to,” he whispered, and his eyes were so miserable she could feel his suffering like a physical force between them. Keeping her away at the same time it drew her toward him. “But you saw me.” He swore again and ran a hand through his hair, the ends sticking up in wild tufts. “I hate that you saw me like that.”
“It had something to do with Eddie. You were dreaming about him.”
He gave a slight nod.
“I used to dream about him,” she said, forcing her shaking legs to stand. “It’s normal.”
“Nothing about me is normal anymore. I’m broken, Bianca. I told you I wasn’t good for you. You have to believe me. This proves it.”
“What does this prove?” He backed up as she approached him, until he was standing against the tall dresser. “You’re human. You lost a friend, and you miss him. You saw things—did things—that no man should see or do. You protected our country.”
“Don’t make me into a hero.”
She reached out a hand, pressing her palm over the place where his heart beat a wild rhythm in his chest.
“It’s hard not to when you keep acting like one.”
“I’m not.”
“Fine,” she agreed, sliding her other hand up and around the back of his neck.
“You should go before EJ wakes up.”
“Not quite yet.” She closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder, plastering her body to the front of his. He remained rigid, but she paid no attention. She knew what it was like to be alone, unsure if you could overcome all the fears and doubts weighing on your shoulders.
Her fingers splayed over his heart as her other hand gently massaged the back of his neck. She’d seen him do it enough to know it relaxed him. His hands gripped her waist as if he would set her away from him. Instead he held her closer, bending his head until it rested on the top of hers.
Neither of them spoke, but slowly Nate’s breathing returned to normal. His hold on her was tentative, as if even now he didn’t trust himself with her.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She tipped up her head to look him in the eyes. “Your dreams?”
“Nightmares,” he corrected. Then he shook his head. “Not now.” She must not have been able to hide her disappointment because he quickly amended, “Not yet.”
“Thank you for last night.”
One side of his mouth quirked. “Thank you, Bianca. For everything you are.”
When a bird chirped outside the window, she pulled away from him. “I do need to go.”
He nodded, but his lips pressed into a thin line. He’d tried to run her off minutes earlier but now it felt like she was hurting him by leaving. “You’re protecting EJ.”
“I’m protecting all of us. This is too new for him to know about. He’d have expectations. He might not understand that sometimes two people are together and it doesn’t mean anything.”
She waited for him to argue. It’s what she longed for—Nate to tell her what was between them meant something to him. She was quickly falling in love with him. With the tough, hardworking rancher and the scarred, troubled ex-SEAL and the sweetheart of a man who’d borrowed a pony so her son could learn to ride.
“I understand,” he said tightly, and she wanted to scream as the invisible wall he kept around him snapped into place again. Every time she broke through his defenses, something would happen to rebuild them just as quickly. One step forward and a million miles back.
“Are you busy today?” she asked as she picked up her boots from the floor. She didn’t want him to see the disappointment that must be apparent in her eyes. How was she supposed to hide how she felt? She’d always been an open book with her emotions, and it’s what had often gotten her in trouble. At least she was learning that if she couldn’t hide them, she needed to keep them to herself as best she could.
“The usual work,” he said. “Why?”
“I was wondering if this afternoon would be good for a riding lesson?” She held the pile of underwear and boots in front of her stomach like a shield. What if Nate said no? What if after one night she was out of his system? “I’m going to work with EJ on his numbers and letters this morning, and I’d like to finish organizing the garden storage shelves in the shed. But after lunch—”
“How about I pack a lunch and we eat it on the ride?”
“Do you mean in the barn?” Her voice sounded high-pitched to her ears, like she’d just inhaled a giant shot of helium.
Nate’s features relaxed fully as he smiled. Good to know her obvious terror helped him regain his equilibrium. “I mean on the trail. You and EJ haven’t been out to the windmills yet. It’s the spot where Jayden and Ariana got married last year.”
“Shouldn’t we stay in the corral? You made EJ stay in the corral on his first ride.”
“EJ’s four.”
“But he’s way braver than me.”
“You can do it, Busy Bee.”
“A trail ride.” She swallowed and forced an even breath. “Okay. Can Twix handle a trail ride?”
“EJ can ride double with me. Normally I wouldn’t do it, but we’ll let you get comfortable in the saddle before I put him on his own horse for a trail ride. Trust me, he’ll love it.”
“I’m sure he will.” She wasn’t sure about herself. “No running.”
“You mean galloping?”
She nodded. “That, too.”
“I promise I’ll take care of you.”
She wanted him to trust her with his demons and doubts, and turnabout was fair play. “I know you will. We’ll meet at the barn at eleven?”
“I can’t wait. And, Bianca?”
“Yeah?”
“As far as last night...”
She licked her lips, a strange mix of dread and anticipation sifting through her. “Yes?”
“Once with us is not enough.” His eyes darkened. “Nowhere near enough. If this thing is happening between us, I’m all in. You good with that?”
“Very good,” she answered and hurried out of the room before she did something embarrassing like rip off his shirt and pounce on him.
* * *
Nate got to the barn twenty minutes before Bianca and EJ were meeting him. He’d left the house before the boy woke this morning, not sure he could face the four-year-old with the knowledge of the night he and Bianca had shared burning through him like a wildfire that had spread out of control.
How was he supposed to curb his feelings for her when he wanted so much more? Along with his need came an equal amount of fear. He knew the things he was capable of, and even though Bianca thought she understood Nate’s life as a soldier, she didn’t.
She couldn’t.
She was light to his shadow. Goodness to the darkness that dwelled deep inside him. He craved her glow, but at the same time he was terrified of contaminating her with who he was on the inside.
Or worse...hurting her.
The nightmares that plagued him were vivid and real, at least to his unconscious self. The line between waking and sleeping blurred more nights than not. When he’d first left the navy, he’d spent months sleeping with a knife under his pillow, his hand wrapped around the handle. It was the only way he could force his body to relax enough to get any rest.
What if he’d had that knife when Bianca had woken him? Hell, he didn’t need a knife to hurt her. He knew a dozen different ways
to kill a person. Bianca was beautiful and delicate. The thought of putting his hands on her in anger made the breakfast he’d eaten hours earlier churn in his stomach.
So what was he doing here cinching the old Western saddle he’d loved riding on as a kid with Earl Thompson? He and his brothers had fought over who would get to accompany the rancher on the trail ride he took every Sunday afternoon after church. It hadn’t been long until they’d gotten good enough in the saddle to warrant their own horses. He thought of EJ, who was showing a natural gift for animals of every kind. Even now, Nate glanced up to see Otis sitting calmly in the corner of the barn.
He’d stopped pretending he wasn’t going to continue to feed the stray dog and secretly loved EJ’s attempts to tame the animal.
Nate loved everything about having Bianca and EJ in his life, which made him the most selfish bastard in the world. They deserved a man who could give them unconditional love and devotion. Not the person who’d failed to save Bianca’s brother. Not the man who had so many demons he didn’t know where to begin fighting them.
Yet he couldn’t let them go. Not yet.
“Mr. Nate, I’m ready,” EJ shouted as he ran into the barn. He climbed up onto the bench Nate had set in front of Cinnamon’s stall so the boy could watch him groom the big horse. “I wrote my whole name and spelled it right.” He held up his hands like he was a preacher calling down the Holy Spirit. “Edward James Shaw. That’s me.”
“Edward James Shaw,” Nate repeated, wondering at how he hadn’t realized the connection before. “Like your uncle.”
Bianca came to stand next to her son, a shy smile on her face. “He will be a Shaw. I’ve applied to have EJ’s last name legally changed. He was named after Eddie, so I want him to fully be a Shaw.”
“I bet your brother loved that he was named after him.”
A shadow crossed her face. “Are we ready to go?”
He studied her for a moment but chalked up her sudden change in mood to nerves.
“You’re riding Daisy today.”
She swallowed. “What about you and EJ?”
“We’re on Cinnamon, Mommy. I told you.”
“Is that a good idea?” Bianca asked. “That’s the horse that almost came down on EJ.”
“I’ve been riding him for years,” Nate assured her. “He’s spirited but with the right rider, he’s an angel.”
“He’s so tall.”
“You trust me, right?” Nate asked.
“Yes,” she said without hesitation, and his heart soared.
“Let’s go, then.”
He led Cinnamon out into the corral and dropped the reins.
“Won’t he run off?” Bianca asked as she followed.
“Nope. He’s used to being ground-tied so he’s not going anywhere. EJ, I want you to help me get your mommy settled on Daisy. Can you do that?”
The boy nodded. “Come on, Mommy. I’ll teach you how to hold the reins.”
EJ took Bianca’s hand and led her toward the stall that held the dappled mare. Nate followed, giving Bianca an encouraging nod when she glanced over her shoulder.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“The best.” Nate grabbed the horse’s bridle from its peg on the wall and opened the stall. He led Daisy out into the aisle and attached her to cross ties. “The first thing you’d normally do is make sure she’s been groomed so there’s nothing under the pad and saddle to irritate her. I’ve taken care of that part so why don’t you grab Daisy’s pad and put it on her?”
“Always walk up to a horse on the left, Mommy,” EJ told her when she took a step forward.
“Thanks, buddy. I’ll remember that.” She picked up the pad and approached the horse, then frowned as her gaze flicked to Nate. “Why are you smiling?”
“The look on your face makes it seem like you’re approaching a fire-breathing dragon.”
As if she’d heard him, Daisy gave an indignant snort. Bianca tightened her hold on the saddle pad but kept moving. “Not at all,” she said, her voice dramatically gentle. “Daisy is a sweet girl. She’s calm and docile and she’d never buck or kick.” She lifted the pad onto the horse’s back and adjusted it so the sides were even. Daisy turned her head, her eyes focusing on the new person at her side. “We’re going to a have an easy day together. Right, girl?”
Nate watched as Daisy shifted position so she could sniff at Bianca. “Take a breath. She can sense your fear.”
“Horses as far away as Mexico can sense my fear,” Bianca shot back but reached out a hand and stroked the velvety tip of Daisy’s nose.
The horse snuffled and rubbed her head against the front of Bianca.
“She’s a cuddler,” Nate told her, earning a small smile from Bianca.
“Mommy likes to cuddle, too,” EJ announced. “When I used to have night terrors, I’d sleep in her bed. She snuggled me too much.”
Bianca threw a tender look toward her son. “There’s no such thing as too much snuggling.”
When her gaze met Nate’s, pink rose to her cheeks.
“I agree,” he said quietly. “Let’s get Daisy’s saddle on her then you can lead her out.”
“Or we could just call our little visiting session good for the day.”
“Mommy,” EJ said with the type of exasperation only known to young boys. “I’m starving. I want to ride so we can eat lunch.”
Nate pulled the saddle from its rack and hefted it onto the horse. Daisy sniffed but didn’t move as he tightened the front and flank cinches around her. “We’ll adjust the stirrups after you’re on. Ariana was the last one to ride her, so they should be close in length.”
He put the bridle over the horse’s head and showed Bianca how to fit the bit in her mouth.
Her eyes widened. “I’m never going to do that.”
“Never say never,” he told her with a laugh then handed her the lead rope. “We might make a horsewoman out of you yet.”
They walked together into the afternoon sun. The day was clear and crisp, a gentle breeze blowing from the south. Winter was one of his favorite times in Paseo. After years spent sweltering in deserts across the Middle East, he enjoyed the mild Texas winters, when temperatures could dip below freezing at night but warmed to near perfect during the day. This was one of those perfect days, and he thanked his lucky stars to be able to spend it with Bianca.
He could hear her murmuring to Daisy but couldn’t make out what she was saying. The horse’s ears twitched, as if she were hanging on to Bianca’s every word. Nate could relate to that.
Bianca stopped a few feet from where Cinnamon stood. The big horse gave a foot stomp and Daisy seemed to answer with several twitches of her ears. “They’re friends now, right? Cinnamon isn’t going to mess with Daisy?”
“Mommy, you can see them talking with their bodies. It’s like when Reed Parker pushed me so he could cut in line on the first day of school.” EJ held up his hands as if he was a teacher explaining a concept to one of his students. “He was just nervous and didn’t know how to use his words. Then he learned and now we’re best friends.” The boy frowned. “Well, we were when I went to school. Maybe he won’t remember when we go back.”
“He’ll remember,” Bianca said gently.
Nate wanted to argue—not that EJ’s friend wouldn’t want to be his friend but that the two of them weren’t going back to San Antonio anytime soon. It had only been a few weeks, but Nate couldn’t imagine life on the ranch without Bianca and her son.
“Time to saddle up,” he said to Bianca instead. “Do you want a block to stand on?”
She shook her head. “I can handle this part.”
Nate came to her side anyway, holding Daisy’s bridle with one hand and turning out the stirrup so it was easier for Bianca to manage with the other.
She swallowed, fit her boot into the st
irrup then grabbed the horn and lifted herself up and over the saddle like a pro.
“You did it, Mommy,” EJ called.
“I sure did,” she agreed with a too-bright smile, her voice breathless.
Nate handed her the reins and squeezed her leg. “You’re doing great.”
“Liar,” she breathed, her smile not wavering.
“Keep Daisy a few lengths back from Cinnamon. We’ll go slow to start.”
“We’ll go slow the whole time,” she corrected.
“Do you have the food, Mr. Nate?” EJ asked.
“I have a ton of food.” He pointed to the saddlebag positioned behind Daisy’s saddle. “We’ve got sandwiches and chips and fruit—”
“And cookies?” EJ asked hopefully.
“You bet. Ready?”
EJ nodded and Nate swung him up on the thick pillow at the front of the saddle. He mounted Cinnamon behind EJ, being sure to give the boy enough room. “Once we get on the trail, I’m going to let you take the reins.”
“Mommy,” the boy called, “I’m going to drive the horse just like you.”
“Uh-huh,” came the choked answer from behind them.
Nate kissed the air and pressed a thigh to Cinnamon’s flank, giving the horse direction. Cinnamon loved trail riding, so he didn’t need much prodding. With a shake of his head and mane that made EJ giggle, the horse turned and started for the field leading to the path that wound its way through the entire property.
“Give her a little nudge,” he instructed, glancing over his shoulder to Bianca.
“Don’t leave me,” she called.
He gave Cinnamon’s reins a gentle tug. “Whoa, boy.”
“Mommy, come on.” EJ didn’t bother to turn around as he shouted the command.
Nate patted the boy’s shoulder. “Be patient with her. Remember, a man’s job is to take care of the women he loves. You love your mommy very much.” He turned perpendicular with the trail so he could watch Bianca’s progress. “You’re doing great. Daisy can be kind of lazy when she sets her mind to it. Give her a kick with your heels.”
“I’ll hurt her.”
“She’s a thousand pounds. You won’t hurt her. Do it gently—just like I showed you back in the ring. You’re telling her she can’t have her own way.”
Her Soldier 0f Fortune (The Fortunes 0f Texas: The Rulebreakers Book 1) Page 12