“LEAVE!” he yelled back in response to the grossly overused phrase. The hand Vanessa still held to his chest vibrated from the force.
Cold, angry eyes trapped her in their stare and she realized something—the man she’d come to know was now, officially, gone. She’d hurt and embarrassed him to the point that she was sure he wouldn’t bother trying to reach out after this, but those were her intentions, right?
Despite knowing he didn’t want to hear it, she uttered one, last, whispered apology, and then finally granted his wish—she left.
Well, there it was. He was alone again. After all he’d done, after the monumental strides he’d made, it… it didn’t even seem to matter. No, it hadn’t all been for her, but… who was he kidding? She was certainly a major part of why he worked so hard to change his ways. He cared about Vanessa and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her. His goal had been to become a better man, yes, for himself, but definitely for her, too.
Definitely for her, too.
But what had that gotten him?
No matter what he did, he’d never be good enough. For her. For anyone. Never had been. Never would be.
He wasn’t sure how his phone got into his hand. Nor could he recall how he’d gotten to Monique’s name in his contacts so quickly. However, there was now a ringing in his ear and the sound of her voice coming through the receiver instantly sparked a sense of control. He’d lost that the moment he allowed himself to fall for Vanessa.
She wanted him to back off? Wanted him to pretend he felt nothing? Fine. That wouldn’t be a problem. There were several ways to lick one’s wounds after heartbreak, but Zander, being a creature of habit, could only think of one.
“Be here in an hour. The door will be unlocked.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Take care, Cliff.”
Goodness… she could only hope her patients weren’t feeling her frustration during their sessions, but she was sure her behavior seemed off to them, too. She hadn’t deviated from her normal courses of action with any of their cases, but her moods had been very hit or miss.
Mostly misses.
She couldn’t help it, though. She’d never had to work under these circumstances before. With Simon’s foot on her throat it always felt like she was chained to her desk, like a prisoner.
His prisoner.
It only added insult to injury that, after all he’d done to hurt her, to tear her life apart, he got to go on controlling her even after their divorce was final. Aside from him not living in her home, it basically felt like she was still bound to him. He’d already made it clear that she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see other men, especially Zander, but what would be next?
Extortion?
Sexual favors?
Both tactics might seem farfetched for now, but what were the limits, really? Dangling her career and her son over her head had already gotten her to break things off with Zander. She could only imagine how far Simon would take things, how quickly the power he had over her would go to his head.
She shuddered in her seat and tried to focus on inputting her latest notes for Cliff into the system. She transferred her handwritten words to a computer document and the mindless task left her thoughts free to wander. Her position with Keiser still hung in the balance because she hadn’t found the nerve to tell him she’d be staying in the practice with Simon. It was unimaginable how, with one seedy agreement, Simon had managed to lasso her right back into this. Keiser had been her way out, but now…
She wouldn’t think like that, though. Being able to have her son was the best reason in the world to sacrifice so much, so she didn’t even bat an eye when she paused from her typing to text Keiser right away. A meeting needed to be set so the news could be delivered face to face. She owed him that after all he’d done to make room for her.
She’d just gone back to inputting notes when her phone sounded off with Keiser’s response. She looked over his availability and cross-referenced it with her own schedule, settling on a date at the end of the following week when she’d make things final with him. After that, after the last connection to the outside world was destroyed, she’d officially be locked in Simon’s web.
The thought sickened her, but she knew fighting back would only entangle her even more. He had all the exits blocked and she had no choice but to remain in his carefully constructed cage.
“Knock, knock,” came the voice of the last man she wanted to be bothered with—today or ever. “Mind if I come in?” Simon asked politely.
“Of course I mind, but when has that ever stopped you,” Vanessa mumbled back.
He sauntered in with a sickeningly sweet smile set on his face and an open envelope in hand. When he slid it across Vanessa’s desk and took a seat, her stomach dropped. What was it this time? An addendum to the original agreement? More demands?
“I forgot to tell you this came in about a week ago. Thought you might get more use out of it than I would,” he grinned.
She flipped the envelope over and read the name of her lawyer’s practice on the front. Without opening it, she knew these were the dissolution papers that had once been her ticket to freedom. Now, they were nothing more than a reminder of how close she’d come to finally ridding her life of Simon.
“What? You’re not going to read them over?” he asked mockingly. “Make sure everything’s as it should be?”
This was all a game to him. Vanessa realized that three weeks ago—twenty-three days to be exact—when he’d sprung those pictures on her and forced her to say things to Zander she’d never forgive herself for. The hard part to swallow was that there was no way she could win. Simon had all the pieces in his hands and he was playing her like a puppet.
Anger rose within her and it felt like she’d launch out of her seat and across her desk at him any minute. It would’ve felt so good to choke the bastard.
“Did you come in here for a reason or just to rub salt in my wounds?” she asked through clenched teeth. “I’ve got patients to see.”
Simon grinned. “On the contrary; I checked your schedule. Looks like you’ve got at least thirty minutes before your next appointment.”
This man was literally sucking the life right out of her, monitoring her every move.
“Which leads back to my original question: What do you want, Simon.”
With a casual shrug, he propped his ankle up on his knee and got comfortable. “You know what? You’re right. I did come here for something. Something you haven’t given me in a long time. Something I believe I’m entitled to.”
The hairs on her arms stood on end and her shoulders tensed.
“Your undivided attention,” Simon clarified with a smile, knowing the conclusion Vanessa had jumped to when he left the statement open ended. Watching her relieved expression, he had to laugh. “Oh, come on. You didn’t think I meant—”
She did. She absolutely did think he meant that.
“Be reasonable, Vanessa. I’m not a monster.”
She begged to differ.
“All I ask is that we, for the first time in a long time, have a civilized conversation.” He took a breath, remembering how helpless he’d felt when she first told him to leave. It had always burned him up on the inside having to hold in all he wanted to say. To him, guilty or not, he deserved a chance to plead his case.
She couldn’t do this, pretend like she cared about anything he had to say. Especially, not when it came to his infidelity. She knew all she needed to know about that, which was that it happened. The details were insignificant. He broke their vows and she owed him nothing.
However, Simon begged to differ.
“I don’t want to do this. Not today. Not ever,” Vanessa countered.
Simon lowered his head and Vanessa wasn’t surprised when he chuffed a short laugh. That little contract of his had made him quite cynical these days. Despite it not being legally binding, per se, Vanessa knew that violating it wouldn’t end well for her. It was in her and Ryan’s best interest for
her to abide.
“Well… here’s the thing: it’s not exactly up to you. If I say we’re going to sit here and spend the rest of the day talking about absolutely nothing, that’s exactly what would happen. Care to know why?” he seethed.
Vanessa’s blood boiled and her nostrils flared with each ragged breath she took. She hated him.
Absolutely.
Hated.
Him.
Their eyes locked as Simon answered his own question. “Because I own you, Vanessa. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” He didn’t look away as she tried to cut him with her stare. “Now… as I was saying,” he went on, making himself comfortable at her desk. “It’s time we finally discussed a few things.”
Vanessa’s gaze shifted out the window, toward the trees.
Simon cleared his throat and his tone was far softer now than before. Maybe he hoped she’d have pity on him, but that wasn’t possible. She’d never feel anything toward him but disdain.
“I never got to explain myself because you x’d me out of your life so quickly,” he began. “And I couldn’t help but to feel like I deserved better than that.”
“You—”
Vanessa caught herself. She couldn’t let herself go there; she couldn’t go to the place where she was so angry she couldn’t see straight. Not again. So, in an effort not to completely undo all the work she’d put into learning to control herself, she approached the statement more rationally.
“I didn’t need an explanation, Simon,” she hissed. “All that mattered was that you couldn’t seem to keep your dick in your pants. The when’s, where’s, and with whom’s don’t really matter a whole heck of a lot at this point.”
He lowered his head a bit, nodding. “I couldn’t agree with you more,” he replied, “which is why I never intended to share such details. All I wanted was to be understood.”
This might not have been going in the direction she thought it would, but that didn’t make her any more interested in hearing what he had to say.
“I’ve had this… this issue,” he confessed. “These… urges, impulses I can’t seem to control. And I can’t help but to think that you, a psychologist specializing in sexual disorders, of all people, would understand that.”
That was low, using her profession against her, using it as a ploy to draw on her sympathy. She wasn’t going for it, though.
“Simon, if you need some couch time, you’ll have to make an appointment and pay me just like everyone else,” she interjected, unable to hide her indifference. His ‘issues’ were no longer any of her concern.
He hated when she did this to him, made him feel like less than a man, made him feel like he wasn’t worthy of her time.
Standing to his feet, Simon had taken about all he could take of Vanessa’s mouth.
“You know what?” he growled, barely able to keep his voice down. “I think maybe we should hang our little agreement up on your wall, right beside all those shiny plaques and degrees. Maybe that would be the cure to your crassness and disrespect.”
She said nothing, just stared into the eyes of her oppressor.
“Or… on second thought,” he amended. Another smile touched his mouth, but this time, it was different. There was just… something behind it. “Just keep doing what you’re doing,” he added. “Perhaps it would be more fun to break you in... other ways.”
Vanessa had no idea what that meant, but it definitely didn’t sit well with her. Simon had something else up his sleeve. She didn’t know what it was, but she could feel it.
“Enjoy the rest of your day,” Simon said in parting.
Vanessa tried to relax, but couldn’t seem to, not even with him gone. She couldn’t live like this. Something had to change, but in reality, her hands were tied. She was at the mercy of a man hell-bent on grinding her will down to dust.
This could only get worse.
*****
“Zander.”
“Zander.”
Dr. Shafer finally had his attention, but it took her raising her voice a little to get it.
“Where’d you drift off to?” she asked.
Zander didn’t have an answer for her. Honestly? He wasn’t sure where he’d gone. Work had been the only thing he managed to focus on. Otherwise, he felt like a dead man walking.
“I asked about the woman we spoke about during your first session several weeks ago. I noticed you haven’t brought her up since then and, whenever I ask about her, you conveniently change the subject. Why is that?”
Zander exhaled sharply, knowing that, eventually, it would come to this. He’d avoided discussing Vanessa because he didn’t want to. He preferred not to relive the pain and humiliation of that night he practically begged her not to leave him. At the thought of it, even now, he felt ashamed. But not just for pleading with her, but for falling for her in the first place.
He knew better.
Lengthy arms, arms still clad in a leather riding jacket, stretched out across the back of Dr. Shafer’s sofa and Zander blew out another breath.
“There’s nothing to tell,” he replied, truly believing that. He’d gotten played. End of story.
Dr. Shafer jotted down a few notes and then met Zander’s gaze again. “Well, I don’t mean to offend you, but I call BS.”
The statement, and his doctor’s frankness, made him smile. “Is that so?”
She nodded. “Absolutely.”
Zander watched as the doc set her pen and notebook aside. Next, she removed her glasses and set those aside as well. Something he’d come to realize, after weeks of coming here, she was very straight forward and, much like Vanessa, didn’t let him get away with too much. And, from the looks of it, she was getting ready to tell him exactly what was on her mind.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, Zander, it’s that you don’t mince words. You only hesitate when you talk about your childhood, but that’s to be expected, considering all you went through. But when it comes to her… this woman… you’ve gone radio silent,” she deduced. “Care to hear my theory on why that is?”
Zander had never been one to turn down a rousing game of cat and mouse, but this time he wasn’t exactly in the mood to have his innermost thoughts and feelings fished out of the shadows.
“Actually—”
“You love her,” Dr. Shafer cut in before he could protest. “And, given your past, I’m willing to bet that scares the hell out of you.”
Silence filled the room as he let his doctor’s words sink in. No, this wasn’t breaking news to Zander, but he hated that someone, other than himself, knew his true feelings.
“I’m also pretty sure things aren’t going so well right now,” Dr. Shafer added. “And, while I won’t claim to hold the answer to whatever the problem is, I am one-hundred percent positive it isn’t doing you any good to hold it all in either.”
Zander said nothing.
“If you talk about it, maybe I can help you sort something out,” she went on.
“There’s nothing to sort out,” was Zander’s rebuttal. “It’s over. Nothing to fix. Nothing to salvage.” It still hurt admitting that.
“Well… okay. We won’t focus on trying to fix it. My main concern is that you’re all right anyway. I’m curious how you’ve been coping.”
When Zander failed to reply again, Dr. Shafer cut to the chase. “Have your old habits picked up again? The women?”
He released a breath and thought back to his first reaction to Vanessa’s rejection. Monique was the first woman he’d actively pursued in months aside from the obvious. It was nothing for him to make that call, to summons her to help soothe his aching heart. In fact, he recalled the devious smile that crossed his face when he heard her letting herself in that night. He was in bed, naked, waiting for her. She reached the top of the stairs in all her glory, too, apparently shedding her clothes as she ascended the steps. She was always ready for him, always willing to give him whatever he needed, but… she wasn’t Vanessa.
That
night ended quite differently than he meant for it to. Hours upon hours of mind-numbing sex had been his plan, but, when he stared at Monique’s naked frame, she did nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. She pulled out all the stops, trying to excite him. There simply wasn’t any part of him that wanted her. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself he did. As it turned out, it was no longer his cock that governed his body.
It was his heart.
“Get out,” he recalled muttering in frustration. Monique looked up with wide eyes from her position on his bedroom floor, kneeling before him as she worked her mouth in skillful ways that used to get Zander going.
But not tonight.
Not anymore.
“Get out,” he growled, wanting her to leave him alone in his misery. She tried to talk, tried to ask what was wrong, but Zander said nothing. It’d never been her conversation he was interested in, so why start now?
He came back to the present, staring his doctor in the eyes as the memory evaporated.
“No, I haven’t gone back to my old ways.” He left out the part about trying and failing.
“I’m glad to hear it. You’ve made a lot of progress and I’d hate to see you going backwards.” Taking her notebook once more, Dr. Shafer made a note.
“Yes, wouldn’t want to go backwards,” Zander parroted with just enough sarcasm for Dr. Shafer to pick up on it.
“Let’s avoid the passive aggressiveness and just speak your mind,” she countered. “What is it?”
Zander nodded, agreeing it was best to be straight forward with things. “I’m beginning to think this is all for nothing,” he sighed, frustration very visible in his expression when he did.
“Well, that all depends,” Dr. Shafer replied. “Were you only trying to change for this woman?”
Zander shook his head. “No, of course not. I took the first step toward healing before I even knew her.”
Healing… that’d been Dr. Shafer’s word of choice for this journey Zander was on. She didn’t want him to think of it as something that required a cure, rather past hurts that needed to be faced in order to find a healthy balance he could live with.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 35