This slipup wouldn’t change things, Vanessa knew. It would only make things harder.
Now that both were clothed, she reached around Zander and pressed the button to reactivate the elevator.
Distance.
She needed distance.
The bell sounded, signaling her freedom, but Zander had other ideas. This was an opportunity meant to be seized.
“You’re not going to just walk away from me again,” he whispered, breathing the words into soft, coconut-scented hair when he pulled her into his side. “I won’t let you.”
Vanessa stopped cold, letting him hold her this way.
“I don’t understand why you’re trying to run, but I know it isn’t because you don’t want this.” The statement was bold, but it was spoken with confidence because he truly believed every word. There was nothing she could say to convince him he was wrong, not after this, not after what he felt from her.
When Vanessa initially tried to break things off, his pride had clouded his judgement. He knew that now. It’d been Dr. Shafer’s advice that brought all the pieces into alignment. Had she not advised him to ‘let himself feel this’ he never would’ve gotten to the bottom of why Vanessa walking away hurt so much. The truth was: it hurt because he didn’t believe this was what she wanted… didn’t believe he wasn’t what she wanted.
Fear. Fear had caused her to run. He saw it in her eyes that night, saw it in them now as she slowly came out of the haze and searched past the elevator doors into the lobby with wide eyes. He felt her attempt to separate herself once again, but he held tight.
“Zander, I—” Her words cut off. He’d never understand. Or, worse, he would understand and would then take it upon himself to go after Simon, which would only make things an even bigger mess and she couldn’t have that.
Slowly, she unlocked Zander’s fingers from around her waist and took a few steps toward the front of the building, making her way to the exit. She was so tired of crying, but… that seemed to be all she did lately. Even now, with him watching, with him probably thinking she was going through some sort of mental break.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” she breathed, finally finding the strength to turn her back on him.
He wouldn’t let her go so easily, though. Not this time. Her wrist was captured and she was stuck there, forced to cry for him. That’s basically what these tears were… her way of mourning what could’ve been.
Zander watched and tried to decode it all, but it didn’t make sense—the give and take. One moment she was in, the next she was out, then in again, and now… out.
“Why are you doing this?” he questioned, one final, desperate attempt to prove to himself that he wasn’t crazy. He couldn’t be imagining all these mutual emotions whipping around the two of them like a cyclone. She had to feel it, too.
Vanessa brushed the back of her hand across her cheek, gathering wetness. When she did, her eyes left him again, choosing instead to focus on the parking lot just beyond the glass doors of the lobby. He wanted answers and she knew he deserved them. She couldn’t tell him everything, though. So, she smashed all her reasons and motives down into one nice, neat pile, compressing it, boiling it down to the single most significant cause for all her actions lately.
“I have to do what’s best for my son.”
Confusion crossed Zander’s face and she knew he couldn’t have possibly known what that meant, but, nonetheless, his light grip on her wrist loosened even more and then he released her completely.
Vanessa took one last look at him and then her steps were quick.
Zander watched as she hurried to her car. Her eyes darted around the lot a few times, like she was searching for something or… someone. He wasn’t sure which, but he was sure she wasn’t herself anymore. Something was going on, something he was beginning to think he wasn’t allowed to be in on. And what about her excuse? What on Earth did her son have to do with this? It would’ve been easy for him to take her words at face value, assuming she meant she couldn’t be with him because she didn’t think he was fit to one day be around her kid, but… he knew it wasn’t that. He knew there was more.
What was she hiding?
Chapter Twenty-Six
She was a nervous wreck.
How could she have let that happen? What if her moves really were being tracked by someone? What if news of her impromptu rendezvous with Zander somehow got back to Simon and he did something drastic? She’d never forgive herself.
It couldn’t happen again. Not even by accident like today.
Simon had been with patients since she returned from Dr. Keiser’s office, so she couldn’t even gage his behavior. Not that he was exactly pleasant, anyway, but at least she could tell if he was more hostile than usual.
It was a miracle she hadn’t worn a path in her floor with all the pacing. She had notes to file and phone calls to return, but she couldn’t focus to do any of it. Her thoughts were all jumbled. On the one hand, she regretted running into Zander today. Doing so had been a major setback. Not only that, it was risky. However, on the other hand, in those few stolen moments they shared, he’d melted away so much of the hurt and pain she carried. Lately, it took all she had in her to hide her true feelings from Ryan. He’d been through enough, especially with what Simon had recently exposed him to. For that reason, she hid her weariness from him, bottling it all inside.
Until today, that is.
Today, it all came pouring out the moment Zander touched her. It didn’t matter that he didn’t have all the details, it didn’t matter that the relief was only fleeting. It’d been enough to keep her going just a little while longer.
The sound of her office phone ringing nearly startled her to death. She rushed over to answer.
“Yes?”
“Dr. Ferris, you’ve got a call on line one,” Greta replied.
“Sure. Thank you.” Her finger pressed to the button and, before she could even get a full greeting out, she found herself already being tested, so soon after vowing to keep her distance.
“What did you mean?” Zander pried. “The remark about your son… what did you mean?” he repeated.
Vanessa’s eyes closed and, while she knew good and well what remark Zander referred to, she couldn’t get into this. Especially not on her work line.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I can’t talk right now. I’ve got someone on their way in and—”
“I don’t give a damn! No more lies, Vanessa!” he yelled, calling her bluff. “I deserve the truth,” he asserted. “As difficult as it’s been at times, I’ve always been honest with you, haven’t I? The least you can do is offer me the same courtesy.”
Cornered.
Trapped.
That’s how she felt. Not just now; in general. It seemed like, lately, someone was always backing her into a wall and she, a woman who’d once thought of herself as a force to be reckoned with, had somehow become the weak one. Zander only meant to find answers, Vanessa knew that, but it didn’t change how she felt.
“As much as I would love to show all my cards, I’m not exactly at liberty to do so,” she countered, doing her best to hide behind the vague response. For all she knew, her phone calls were being monitored, which meant she couldn’t say much and could only pray Zander wouldn’t say too much either. Revealing what they’d done today would… it wouldn’t be good.
Zander felt her rushing him off the line, but wouldn’t have it. “Fine. I tried to do this the easy way, but, as usual, you have to make things difficult, so I’ll be at your place tonight at seven. We’ll talk about it then. It’s either that or you come to me, but, one way or the other, you will see me tonight,” he assured her, meaning every word.
This couldn’t happen—this conversation, him showing up at her home. While Zander ranted, Vanessa had her phone in hand and sent him a text, agreeing to meet him at his house at the time he specified, and also begging him not to say anything more. She knew he’d think it was strange f
or her to send such a message while she had him on the line, so the next text she sent was a promise to explain later. There was a moment of silence while she imagined he read her short sentence.
“Okay?” she said into the phone nervously as she held her breath, hoping he’d drop it now without exposing her. She knew her behavior would only make him more suspicious, but that was all she could do to quiet him. She’d go to him tonight after Simon came to take Ryan back to his place. She’d take a roundabout route, making sure no one followed, and then… apparently, they were going to talk.
She planned to say as little as possible, just enough to appease him, and then she’d return to her side of town and pray for peace.
She had to believe that still existed… peace… even if life had gone out of its way to prove otherwise lately.
*****
Rain fell in sheets. No matter how fast her wipers worked, the water still distorted her view of the road. Because of it, she decided not to drive straight to Zander’s. If someone was on her tail, she’d never be able to spot them like this, so she erred on the side of caution. On top of taking the long way, she also kept moving until the rain slowed to a gentle lull. She was now sure she’d be pulling up to his home alone.
While, yes, she may have been overly careful, paranoid even, it was all warranted. There was no telling what her ex had up his sleeve.
Standing beneath her dark umbrella, she waited at the front door, unsure of what she’d say, unsure of what truths Zander would dig out without her wanting to go there.
Heavy steps on the other side came before the knob turned. When it did, the door was pulled ajar and Vanessa felt that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. This visit had ‘bad idea’ written all over it.
Zander looked her over as she stepped inside, offering to take her things. She handed over the umbrella and jacket, but didn’t speak. Not yet. She was too nervous.
Zander could feel the anxiety emanating from Vanessa’s body. He was sure he’d come off quite forceful when he called earlier, but he’d acted on impulse, a moment of desperation as he questioned Vanessa’s strange behavior. It didn’t matter that he knew he shouldn’t have called. His gut told him to leave it alone, to leave her alone, but… he simply couldn’t do that.
He needed to know she was okay. Really okay.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” he offered.
“Um… just water. Please,” Vanessa answered softly.
He left to grab a bottle from the fridge and returned to find that she’d taken a seat on the sofa. Her posture was stiff, like she hadn’t relaxed in weeks. She was so tense. He noticed that earlier, too. A walking, talking bundle of nerves.
Their fingers grazed one another’s briefly when he handed the bottle over. Instead of sitting in the adjacent armchair, Zander chose to sit right beside Vanessa, angling his body toward hers so he wouldn’t miss a thing once she began to explain.
She sipped. Sipped and thought. Tried to gather her words and thought some more.
“You wanted to talk?” she finally asked, probably only to dissolve some of the tension in the room.
Zander nodded and didn’t hold back. “I did. You can start by telling me what your son has to do with any of this. You brought him up earlier and I know that wasn’t just some random, slip of the tongue,” he asserted.
He sat silently while Vanessa squirmed, aimlessly sipping from her bottle.
When she didn’t answer, he pressed a little harder. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
There was no point in denying it, so he simply waited for her to comply. A few seconds later, she nodded, confirming what he already knew.
“Is something going on that you’re afraid to tell me?” he asked next.
Vanessa sat like a stone, unmoving as she weighed her words. When everything she thought to say felt too incriminating to share, she chose not to speak at all. Instead, she lowered her gaze, focusing on the silver wristwatch she wore, listening as its ticking became louder and louder.
The back of her hand warmed when Zander placed his on top of it.
She was trembling. Realizing this, Zander’s senses became heightened. What wasn’t she telling him? What was it she didn’t want to say?
He hadn’t cared very deeply about many people in his lifetime, but Vanessa was definitely on the short list of few. Her wellbeing was as important to him as his own, hence the reason he couldn’t just let this go.
He’d been so expressive lately it didn’t even cross his mind to stop himself from sharing his thoughts. Besides, judging by the vacant look in Vanessa’s eyes, he was sure she needed to hear what he was about to say.
“You know I’d always protect you, don’t you? From anything? Anyone?”
Protect… he wasn’t sure why that particular word came to mind, but it had. Maybe it was because she was starting to cry again, or because she couldn’t seem to sit still long enough to get comfortable, but she seemed so unsettled. If she was afraid of something, he needed her to know that, whoever meant to do her harm, would have to come through him first. And he meant that, even now in their current state of limbo. Nothing had changed.
“I’m fine. Everything’s fine,” she lied, once again attempting to pull the wool over Zander’s eyes.
“You don’t have to do that here. Not with me. With me you don’t have to always be so damn brave, Vanessa.”
Hadn’t she figured that out by now? Hadn’t he done enough to show her she could trust him? As frustrating as it was to have to prove that fact again and again, he wouldn’t stop until it finally stuck.
She swiped away the wetness from her eyes and shook her head. “You say that, but… you don’t understand.”
“Then tell me,” Zander pleaded. “Tell me what I’m not understanding.”
So many things could go wrong from here. For one, she’d known Zander to be a creature driven by impulse. If, upon hearing what Simon had done, Zander reacted without thinking things through, no one would pay the price for that but her and Ryan. The possibility of that being the way things played out kept her lips sealed.
Zander moved closer. If this had been anyone else, any other woman, he would have given up by now, decided she was more trouble than she was worth. However, he knew better than that with Vanessa. He knew she was worth whatever it took to get and keep her, even if helping her was beginning to feel like a fruitless attempt.
“Okay…” Zander breathed. “Let’s do this instead. Start by telling me what you need from me. Whatever it is, you have my word right now that I’ll do it.”
Vanessa’s gaze met his. She wasn’t sure when he’d become so sensible, but he had. And it was no act. At some point during their journey together, Zander had become someone she could rely on, someone capable of calming her when things spun out of control. Her lips parted and she considered his offer, deciding this was a simpler place to begin.
“I need you to promise me you won’t… act,” she replied. “You can’t make a single move without me knowing because… if you do… everything would fall apart.” The statement was wrapped in her sobs so she wasn’t even sure if he understood that last part. Not until he nodded.
“You have my word.” He couldn’t let it show because she needed him to be strong right now, but she was scaring him.
Without another word, Vanessa reached inside her purse and retrieved her phone. Zander watched anxiously as her fingers moved over the screen. The next second, it was placed in his hand and he wasn’t sure what to make of the images. There were several, of the two of them the night they returned from Black Hawk.
Vanessa said one word. Well… one name. “Simon.”
Immediately, the pieces began to fall into place for Zander.
“He’s… he’s made threats,” Vanessa went on. “Against my job, that he’d find a way to take my son away.”
“All because of this,” Zander seethed. “Because you’ve moved on.”
She nodded, watching as a red hue colored his face. T
hick veins lined his temple and the tendons in his neck as, what she assumed to be anger, spread throughout his entire body. She’d seen Zander upset before, but not like this.
“Yes,” she finally answered.
So many thoughts ran through his head. For starters, he was furious that the man whose unfaithfulness had broken Vanessa’s heart now had the gall to break it again in new ways. Was he so hateful that he never wanted to see her happy? He owed her that and so much more. And to place threats on top of that? Zander couldn’t even wrap his mind around it.
“He told me I had to stop seeing you if I didn’t want him to report me, report what you and I had done, to the APA, because you were once my patient,” she added. “And, from there, he promised to ruin my reputation in the field so it would be next to impossible for me to find work, and then he’d go after custody of Ryan. And…” Her throat seized up on her and she had to clear it before saying more. “An old friend of his offered him an open invitation to partner with him in France and um… he said that, if I forced his hand… he’d take Ryan and go.”
Red.
Zander saw red.
Threatening to separate a child from his mother was… it was unthinkable.
It was all starting to make sense. All the pieces were coming together—the way she cut him off without explanation, looking over her shoulder the way he observed at Jim’s office, the cryptic text she sent during their phone call earlier. He was right to sense she was afraid because that’s exactly what she was. Afraid of Simon and what he might do if he knew they were in contact.
Zander had never been one to accept being controlled. That sense of defiance had only grown as he aged, so this situation made his skin crawl. Already his wheels were turning. For Vanessa’s sake, he had to do something. He knew she didn’t want him to stir things up, but there had to be a way to free her.
Had to be.
“What’re you thinking?” she asked, skepticism heavy in her tone.
The last thing he wanted was to add to the anxiety she already felt, so he decided to share his thoughts aloud instead of leaving her in the dark.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 37