by Steve Martin
OMG (FYI, I abbreviated “Oh my God” to save space [oh, I abbreviated “for your information”], I made my own ten best people list this year!
Two broken legs forces me to cancel hokey-pokey dance recital.
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I can put right leg in, left leg in, but hard to “turn myself around.” Which is, of course, what it’s all about.
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I put my right hand in, then I shook it all about, then it fell off, thanks to flesh-eating disease.
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With other hand, doing “pokey.” Still fun. Playing music LOUD.
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Now, what do I tell trusting wife? That I was doing hokey-pokey without her? This is not good.
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Been on the phone for the last hour with hokey-pokey anti-defamation society. My official response forthcoming.
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I would like to apologize specifically to the Okefenokee Karaoke and Hokey-Pokey Dance Club for any grief I may have caused them.
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Thoughtful Tweet upgrade: If Socrates is a man, and all men do the hokey-pokey, therefore, that’s what it’s all about.
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THIS JUST IN: Scientists discover hokey-pokey to be basic building block of matter. So the hokey-pokey is, after all, what it’s all about.
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@LadyAstronomer: Where is this Hokey-Pokey paper? Results need to be confirmed before everybody “shakes it all about!”
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NOTE: This is where I first started to save responders’ names and tweets.
I have just been given The “Golden Fellow Award.” This is a one-time award given out by me. I’m suspicious of its validity, however.
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I have just determined that the “Golden Fellow Award,” given out by me, is completely legitimate! NICE! Prize came by FedEx I sent yesterday.
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I just pulled up in a limo at my own house. Staff is taking photos of me as I walk to front door.
I invented Facebook. Lawsuit in preparation. Details to follow.
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My original site, GalPal, morphed into Galrate, which became GalPage, which was stolen by Al Gore. Which became GorePage…
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GorePage became GoreDiddy. Which became DiddyBook. Diddybook transformed into GalPal, my original site.
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GalPal then became MisterGal, which became FaceGal, which was stolen by Zuckerbook. Copied by BookFook, then Oglegal. Which became Google.
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Google became Glee. Which became FaceGlee, soon to become CuteKittenPhotos. Which, of course, became Facebook.
I made a video for YouTube but it went straight to the theatres.
Last night, watching show on my DVR. Accidently saw three seconds of commercial. Trusting wife stunned. Dog hates me. Banned from remote.
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@Dark_Artz: You’ll pull through champion.. this too shall pass
@HitAndRunKitty: the proper word is #telecommander.
@ADAMsauter: I let a whole series of commercials play once. I live under the 405 now.
@Wtaussig: Can you still be called a man?
@dpalacio16: Did the dog quickly lift and turn his back to glare at you then did a half muffled bark to show his dissatisfaction?
SUPERBOWL
Buffalo wings = chicken wings in spicy sauce. World = full of lies. : [
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@PeterPoffles: So how do buffalos fly then?
@The_Iceman2288: Hot dogs are worse, I was so disappointed when I found out.
@TomR2D2: Didn’t you ever see Dances With Wolves? Using their wings to escape predators is the only reason they haven’t gone extinct!
@cheezmo: French fries are actually potatoes and not fried frenchmen.
I thought the “Ceremony of the Coin Toss” was incredibly moving this year.
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@ruffleader: It touched me in ways that a priest never has.
Commerciality is ruining the Superbowl ads this year.
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@Reynoldsbon: I don’t want to watch the Superbowl till I read the book first. The show leaves out all the characterization
@ShineALiteOnME: youre not funny at all.
@biffyb: Going through my contact list. Trying to figure out who you are. Did you do the thing with the one hour shirts?
(Attempting to class-up Tweets) I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, “Is it gay in here or is it just me?”
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(Attempting to class-up Tweets) It was Charles Dickens who said, “A Tale of Two Cities is a great title for one of my novels, but which one?”
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@youcatastrophe: I think I’m the only person in the world that truly understands you and gets your humor. That said… you’re not very funny
Conversed with shrink about followers being funnier than me. He really made me laugh. Shrink funnier than I am.
On the street, ran into Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown. So funny! Funnier than old King Kong!
What’s making me so hungry? Is it the drive home from the restaurant?
THE OSCARS
Religious holidays notice: Oscars. High holy week begins today. Please respect my religion by not shooting suction darts at your TV screen.
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@Violet_Davis: Partaeeee POOPER!
@mikesontour: How about adhesive based projectiles? Is glue kosher?
@zyblonius: But real darts cause so much more damage.
@DavisMets: Too late.
@Eden_Brower: I worship at the church of the Teen Choice Awards.
@1RoguePoet: Crud, didn’t even think to use suction… new screen required.
@toqueguy: In deference, I think that conflicts with the precepts and tenets of Nerf Wednesday.
@bokonon07: In OUR home, we reverently place our hands on the screen.
@SherrieGG: Even over our shoulders with mirrors? Orthodoxy…
newbaby55: who will your God be wearing?
At 6pm PST, starting overnight caviar on toast-points fast, giving up capers and diced hard-boiled egg yolk condiments.
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@BorrisSpassky: Thank you for your suffering
Oscar Holy Monday: The Ceremony of the Borrowing of the Jewels.
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@howardweiser: Are you making your way through the Stations of the Smorgasbord?
@mdham_21: what day is The Renting Of the Stretch Hummers ?
@Donna_Ritchie: Shouldn’t have any trouble finding an ass to throw a cloak over.
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Oscar Holy Wednesday: The Coveting of the Nomination
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Oscar Holy Thursday: The Holy Reading of Presenters’ Banter from Oscars Past.
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Oscar Holy Good - But It’s Just Not Right for Us - Friday
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Oscar Holy Saturday: The Sacrifice of the Virgins. Oh wait, that takes place all through the year.
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Oscar Holy Sunday Morning: Today you are forbidden to drive yourself.
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Oscar Holy Sunday Afternoon: The Holy Wedging of the Spanks.
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Oscar Holy Sunday Evening: The Holy Failure to Mention One’s Spouse.
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There’s a rumor that a recent Oscar host is going to play Catwoman. Waiting by my phone for the call.
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@dougevil: I have dreamed of seeing you in the leather catsuit.
@mattMICKenna: Oh no, Steve, that was Anne Hathaway. I see why you’re confused though. You have hosted the Oscars.
@R_Optimist: I’d pay to see that… well, on Netflix…
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Doing a sit-up in preparation for my Catwoman role.
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@DorkinTWizzard: you might need to do two for that role
@tralalajamie: work it boy
@flying_python: shouldn’t you be licking your paw and curling up in the sunshine?
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One sit-up has created ripples on abs. Embarrassing when in tight tee, with light hint of perspiration, walking dog in bright sunlight.
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@pimplimpin: I know what you mean. Just climbed flight of stairs and quads are chiseled.
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Preparing for Catwoman role by leaping off roof into shrub. On third try, I managed to hit the shrub.
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@Gary_Vale: You are Catwoman. You just are.
Trying to remember my Amazon password. Jerkone? Banjonut? Goofyguy? You-the-man? Speedowearer? Dang it! None work.
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Thanks to your suggestions, have tried, Hatescans, Budgiesmuggler, Pepsicatflufferwoman, 92Y, w1ldnCr4zyg|_|y, Ol’ Saggybag, AlwaysBeenGrey. None worked.
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Got it! Thanks to your reminders: HumbleStudMuffin
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@Scriptking: I’d have laid money on TutMeister.
The colon is the world’s shortest emoticon :
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AKAMisterSmith: does : mean Botox?
I JUST DOWNLOADED ELEVEN HUNDRED BOOKS ONTO MY KINDLE, AND NOW I CAN’T LIFT IT.
@comedy4cast: You should have downloaded the paperback versions. Much lighter.
@AshGhebranious: You mean I didn’t need to buy a kindle for each book I downloaded????
@KeyboardHussy: Change the text size.
@urbanfish: I just read and responded to your tweet, and now I can’t get that 45 seconds of my life back. Help!
@ChrisPerry0627: too funny. It made my mudd mask crack.
HI, I’M STEVE’S CAPS LOCK KEY AND I’D LIKE TO MEET OTHER CAPS LOCK KEYS. I’M INTERESTED IN BOATING AND HIKING.
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@pastelpastel: I’M PASTEL’S CAPS LOCK KEY BUT AM VERY SHY. SO SOMETIMES i end up doing this…..
@RaphPH: your kind are not welcome here #lowercase
@cam311: HELLO CAPS LOCK KEY! DO YOU LIKE LOUD WALKS ON THE BEACH!?!?!?!?!?
@jollroger1969: Hi SCLk. I AM AN ELDERLY CAPLOCK KEY. I HAvE TROUBle keepING IT DOWn. need cApLOCK Viagra FOR MAINtaINiNG INTERfACE
@jakefogelnest:
@allcapstweet: SO NICE TO MEET YOU! I THINK WE WILL GET ALONG GREAT. I ENJOY VEGETABLE MASSAGE AND LLAMA TAUNTING.
@DanaBrunetti:
@AvivaVesna: e.e. cumming’s twitter account never had this problem.
@itskatieanne: @jakefogelnest: @SteveMartinToGo
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i would like to apologize for the behavior of my caps lock key. i have slid a toothpick wedge under it.
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From my window, I can see my capslock key, boating.
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@Diane_travelmom: Just to let you know, I tried the slow-motion setting in my shower today, and Wow! What a difference!
@allmytweets: doyouseemyspacebarintheboat?
Today’s tweets are sponsored by “Creepy Guy.” Whenever you want something done around the house, be sure to hire “Creepy Guy.”
@Sasha827: Hey, I saw that dude on match.com!
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Creepy Guy here fixing basement. Odd that he has to tie me up to do it.
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Why is Creepy Guy doing exotic dance instead of repairing basement leak?
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@gulsonroad: What if he’s reading your tweets in the basement? “The tweets are coming from INSIDE the house!”
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OH MY GOD! HI, I’M STEVE’S CAPSLOCK KEY. Not now you idiot. I’m dealing with Creepy Guy.
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ARRGGGHHH! Just saw Creepy Guy charged for exotic dancing on his repair bill. Oh well. Later, Creepy Guy! Next week, roof repair!
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I traveled across the country, but found Creepy Guy’s green hammer in hotel bed. Eeww. Creepy.
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Rare Bird Alert #3 on Amazon! I’m as happy as a clam. Wait. Are clams really happy?
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@gropious3: The chilling sound of clam-laughter has caused many fishermen to quit the sea
Out on the town today. I tried to tweet but couldn’t find a tweet booth. Maybe they’re a thing of the past.
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@Heidi_vonM: And then when you find a tweet booth you know its probably gonna be broken and smell like pee inside :/
Found some great new twitter pants. Tight red spandex with calf protectors. I’m sure the quality of tweets will improve now.
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Added to twitter outfit. Got rubberized day-glo vest that fits over nylon twitter tee. Tweets sure to improve.
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@xooglr: Unlikely to improve Twitter performance unless you acquire matching latex fingerless gloves and foam rubber orthotics.
@BuddyGott: I have the exact same twitter outfit. Let’s not wear them at the same place at the same time, ok?
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Tweet outfit complete. Wearing straw fedora with alpine feather and groovy mirrored wraparound sunglasses. Tweets sheer poetry now.
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@Lineman1200: Super sized rhinestone glasses to complete the picture. Please don’t twicpic this. I’m trying to get over the ham image.
Like in The Da Vinci Code, today’s tweets will contain secret, hidden [YO MAMA] messages for you to try and discover.
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@kansasbard: Is it, “YO MAMA”?
@DoesItMakeSound: I suddenly have this desire to listen to Yo Yo Ma….
@JDGDredd1050: I must call my father’s wife to get the next clue!
@ClaudineDC: Ooh. I can’t wait for the first one…
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Another secret message is hidden in this [BANANAS ARE HIGH IN POTASSIUM] tweet.
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@adimike55: Do I need special glasses to see these messages. Do you sell them?
@KaighLu: Nope, still haven’t found a single hidden message.
@ProfeJMarie: Dang it, is this one of those tweets you have to squint to see the cool picture? I can’t ever see those. What IS it??
@Terpsdude7: but WHAT could it be… TO THE BATCAVE!
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Try to figure out what secret message is hidden in this last tweet. [HINT: THE SECRET MESSAGE IS “WHOA, HORSIE!!”]
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@Willhemina1R: scared
@redheadtech: You’re going to have to provide some kind of decryption key. Your hidden messages elude me!
@JohnSReardon: did you get a medical marijuana card recently?
@Rickratt52: Hope you will be well soon!
@jscottwilson: I will study this offline for a while. Thanks Steve!
@CharlieCurrie: By you, do you mean me specifically, because i am not sure I can live with that kind of pressure?
@dinofromnewark: I keep pouring lemon juice on my iPhone and I still can’t read the secret message.
@tweetgajan: “Ha Ha I woose”<
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At home today, building a table. I’m using data I found around the house.
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@cynicalife: good thing you didn’t limit it to just the kitchen, then all you’d have are pie charts. Data tables are better.
Trusting wife angry at me for violating sacred pact of marriage. A married man, she claims, does not wear a bustle.
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@tomgrasso: I gotta side with the Mrs. on this one Steve…
@bradhinshaw: It’s still okay for unmarried men to wear bustles right? Right! I thought so. Thanks, Steve.
@SaraBuchan: well… not in the FRONT. That’s probably what has made her angry. ;)
@KluvFM: Pssshhh If wearing a bustle is wrong then I don’t want to be right.