Rage

by Elizabeth Reyes

  Of course, she’d been right. AJ almost felt bad for her. A thought crossed his mind for just a moment. When not if they took this relationship to the next level, he’d be extending the same offer he had to his brothers. He’d like nothing more than to have his two girls along for the ride at all his games. If that meant she wanted to quit her job and homeschool Clair so they could do just that, he’d be all for it.

  A low and slow hissing noise distracted him from his thoughts. He turned to Clair. Seeing her so engrossed in what was on the screen that she held her popcorn at her lips made him smile. Then he did a double take because the hissing sound got a little louder, and he realized there was no popcorn in her hand and she wasn’t watching the screen. She was touching her lips. As his eyes adjusted to the darkened area, he could see her lungs rising a little too dramatically. Her hand also moved from her lips to her cheeks and then her neck.

  “You okay?” he asked, leaning across Addison’s empty seat.

  She turned to him, and he immediately realized that hissing sound was Clair wheezing. It was dark, but he could see her eyes were a bit wide. “Where’s my mom?”

  Even her voice sounded strange. Remembering her allergies and that damn ice cream he’d let her have made his heart thud. He grabbed Addison’s purse and sweater with one hand then stood up and held his hand out to her. She quickly stood and followed him out of the row of seats. The moment she was in the aisle he swooped her over his shoulder and rushed down the stairs with her.

  Addison nearly collided into them as they burst out the theater doors into the lit empty hallway. Startled, it took her a second to recover, but the moment she heard Clair’s wheezing she gasped. “What’s wrong with her?”

  AJ put her down, feeling enormously guilty and beyond anxious when he heard the terror in Addison’s voice and saw how dark Clair’s lips had gotten. Addison was instantly on her knees in front of Clair. “Can you breathe?” she asked, touching Clair’s face and neck.

  “Yes,” Clair said in that strange way she’d sounded earlier and her wheezing suddenly went high-pitched. “But it’s getting hard to.”

  “Oh my God,” Addison said, turning to AJ and reaching out her hand. “My purse. I need her EpiPen.”

  AJ thrust it at her, not knowing what else to say, but before he could even try to think of something, she shoved her phone at him. “Call nine-one-one,” she urged, her eyes already watering, but AJ could see she was trying to stay calm even as she rummaged through her purse. “Tell them she’s having a severe allergic reaction, I think she’s going into anaphylactic shock, and I only have one injection with me.” She turned back to Clair, who was wheezing even heavier. “You’re gonna be okay. Just relax, okay?”

  Nine-one-one? Now he felt that same terror he heard in Addison’s voice, the same one he’d felt when he got the call about Isaiah. He explained to the nine-one-one operator what was going on as he paced around Addison, when Addison suddenly cried out, “She’s not breathing!”

  With his heart nearly stopping, AJ turned back to her and saw Addison holding Clair’s limp body in her arms. Moments ago the operator had asked him if she was breathing, and he’d explained she was but it was getting hard to. “She stopped breathing!” He barked into the phone, feeling as emotional as Addison sounded now.

  She was sobbing between attempts to perform CPR on Clair’s lifeless body. “God, no! Breathe, baby please!”

  People were already surrounding them, trying to help Addison, who was becoming increasingly distraught by the second.

  “Where are the paramedics?” he demanded as the enormous boulder in his throat suffocated him, making it hard for him to breathe now too. “We need them here now!”

  What felt like an eternity later, as the operator kept him on the phone, the medics finally arrived. AJ had watched in horror as all of Addison’s resuscitation efforts were in vain. The crowd had grown even bigger as Addison’s hysterical cries brought more attention to them.

  AJ tried to calm her, at least hold her back from getting in the medic’s way. “She needs to hear my voice!” Addison insisted. “Baby, please, please, breathe for mommy!”

  Addison clutched onto AJ as they both watched how lifeless Clair’s little body was even after the medics arrived and shot her with an even bigger dose of the meds needed to buy her more time to get to the hospital.

  Never had AJ felt so fucking helpless, just standing there watching as Addison completely fell apart, trying to fight him, so he’d let her go. But he knew he had to hold her back.

  “Let them do their thing, babe,” he said then shushed her even as the boulder in his throat broke and his own words gave because it really felt like it’d been too long now.

  “There’s no pulse,” one of the medics said as they frantically continued performing CPR on Clair’s tiny body.

  “No!” Addison’s loud cries only made the tears spill out of AJ’s eyes as he struggled to hold her back. “Dear God, no!”

  It was all AJ could do to keep himself from crying out with her as her voice went even more high-pitched. “Please, Clair Bear! Breathe for Mommy! Please!”

  Chapter 23

  AJ

  The empty locker room was as silent and dark as AJ’s aching heart felt. He sat there, still shirtless from not having been able to finish dressing after the game. The locker room had long ago emptied, and he hadn’t moved from the bench where he sat, face buried in his hands. His heart had never felt so much pain in his life, not even with either one of the deaths of his parents. This was brutal, and the worst thing was he had no idea what to say anymore: how to help Addison and her parents deal with the suffocating anguish.

  But worse than anything, he’d never forgive himself. Never would he have imagined Clair’s allergies could be so dangerous. No wonder the coach had referred to her as delicate. She was tiny and sweet and a little awkward, yes, but he’d never seen her as a fragile little girl.

  Why hadn’t he taken Addison’s precautions more seriously? He’d inconsiderately waved them off as Addison and her parents being overly protective. He’d never known anyone with such severe allergies or allergies period, so he’d mistaken Clair’s family’s over-the-top safety measures when it came to this as them being that way because she was their precious little princess. The center of their world. Not because it was that vital.

  “Why?” he whispered through his teeth. “Why the fuck didn’t I take it more seriously?”

  Unable to sit anymore, he got up and paced the locker room, picking up a bat because he needed to squeeze something. The question would forever haunt him, and he stopped in the middle of the locker room, bringing the bat over his head, resting it on his shoulders, and squeezing it at either end. “Why?”

  Taking a deep breath, he welcomed the anger he was beginning to feel again. The same anger had raced through his veins the day it happened and took over the massive ache in his heart. “Why, damn it!” He banged the bat against the lockers. “Why? Why? Fucking why!”

  When the bat shattered into pieces, he picked up one of the wooden stools and started banging it against the walls and lockers. One after another he picked them up and banged them against the wall, asking the same miserable question. By the time he fell to the floor, exhausted and barely able to catch his breath, he’d lost count of how many stools he shattered. All he knew was, unlike what he’d been told all his life, letting it out did not make him feel better. Not even a little bit. His heart was still completely shattered and would be forever. Once again, he squeezed his eyes shut as his body shook uncontrollably and the relentless tears overwhelmed him.

  ~*~

  Addison

  Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. It was what Addison had been told when Clair had slipped into a coma. Addison tried to hope for the best but knew the real possibility existed that Clair could possibly have suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen.

  She’d always said this would be her worst nightmare, yet nothing could’ve prepared her for the
enormity of the pain. For days, her entire body had been numb. The words anyone but the doctors said to her barely registered. Her life as she’d known it was over—over until either her baby woke up or . . .

  Addison shook her head, not wanting to even consider that possibility. “If you can hear me,” she whispered as the tears streaked down her face, “come back, baby. Wake for Mommy, please.”

  She kissed Clair’s little hand then brought it against her face as she cried for the millionth time. How could this have happened? Addison had taken every precaution. They’d never even used her EpiPen before, but she carried it with her religiously. She did everything the doctors told her to. The girl at the concession stand even showed her the can of canola oil they used for the popcorn, not peanut oil as so many theaters used and could be deadly for Clair. Addison always made sure she double-checked.

  A light knock sounded at the door to the room and then it opened slowly. AJ stepped in, his eyes as red-rimmed and swollen as hers felt. “Any change?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

  Addison shook her head. “The doctors are still trying to figure out what it could’ve been that caused such a violent reaction. They say only something nut-related could cause a reaction this bad. But none of what she had that day had anything of the sort. So there’s a possibility she might’ve developed yet another allergy to something we weren’t even aware of.”

  AJ stared at her, the shock of everything that had happened in the last couple of days still wearing heavily in his eyes. He’d been just as devastated by all this as she’d been, but she forced him today to go to his game. There was nothing he could do for her here, and he was risking fines and contractual legal issues if he just didn’t show up. Already he’d missed a few games in this crucial part of the season because of his brother, and he’d missed another one because of Clair yesterday.

  “Would it help if they knew?”

  Addison shrugged, glancing back at Clair. “It might. They could at least rule out that it might be a new allergy, one we’d obviously have to monitor closely.”

  Her parents walked in and said hello to AJ then were immediately at Clair’s side. “You should go get something to eat, honey,” her mother said, caressing Clair’s head. “We’ll stay here with her and call you if anything changes.”

  With a weary smile, Addison nodded, kissing Clair’s hand one last time. “Furthest I’ll go is the cafeteria, so I won’t be long.”

  “I’ll go with you,” AJ said.

  As soon as they were out of the room, AJ took her hand in his. “We need to talk.” Addison turned to him curiously. “I think I know what might’ve caused Clair’s reaction.” She felt her eyes narrow but said nothing, letting him continue. “When you walked out to take that first call, Clair asked to taste my ice cream.”

  Addison’s eyes immediately opened wide, and she pulled her hand from his. “And you let her?” She shook her head, trying to remember what kind it was. “Did it have nuts in it?”

  “No. It was sherbet, and she said it was her favorite, so I figured she couldn’t be allergic to it.”

  “But it could’ve been contaminated,” Addison countered. “Was it the scooped kind or the soft serve?”

  “Scooped,’ he said, lifting his hands in front of him. “But, Addison, babe, she said it would be fine—”

  “Did she?” Addison asked, raising her voice. “Did she, AJ? Is that why she’s in a coma?

  Never in her life did she feel such a mixture of emotion for someone. As much as she loved this man, at the moment she hated him.

  “I’m sorry. I thought it’d be okay. I had no idea—”

  “No idea?” She was yelling now, but she didn’t care. “You’ve seen the precautions we’ve taken with her from day one. How do you know they didn’t use the same scoop they use for any of the other flavors with nuts? That’s all it takes, AJ, and look!”

  She pointed at Clair’s room door just as it opened and her dad stepped out. “What’s going on?”

  “He gave her ice cream!” Addison said loudly. “The day of, just before she had the reaction. Scooped ice cream from the theater.”

  Her dad glanced at AJ then back at Addison. “Okay, honey, that still doesn’t mean—”

  “No!” she said, feeling herself falling apart all over again, then turned to AJ “How could you! You watched me—teased me about cleaning the area so thoroughly—then callously ignored everything I’ve done to protect her!”

  “Callously?” AJ said, reaching his hand out to her. “Addison—”

  “Don’t touch me!” she said, slapping his hand away. “I don’t want you here anymore. I don’t want you anywhere near me or Clair ever again!”

  “Addi, you’re not thinking clearly,” her father said calmly.

  “I want him gone!” she screamed now even as her father hugged her.

  “Honey, just calm down. It was an honest mistake.”

  “No,” AJ said in a strained voice. “I knew it was a risk.”

  Addison turned to him and saw his tear-filled eyes, and just as he always had from the beginning, he was incapable of hiding any of his emotions. “I should’ve been more careful. I’m sorry. I’ll keep . . .” His voice broke, so he paused for a moment before continuing. “I’ll keep praying for her. I love you, Addison.”

  With that, he turned away, and Addison fell into her father’s arms again. As much as she wanted to blame AJ, she knew this was all her fault. Sure, AJ had been careless about something so serious, but she was the one who left her daughter alone with her boyfriend, a man she’d only known for several short months. He obviously didn’t understand the severity of Clair’s allergic reactions.

  This was one of the biggest reasons why she’d held out for so long from bringing someone into Clair’s life. She’d been terrified of the responsibility it carried. She knew she could trust AJ with Clair’s life and hers. The man wore his heart on his sleeve. She’d never once doubted his love for both her and Clair. He was perfect, and now she had to wonder if maybe that wasn’t the reason she hadn’t been more careful. Not once had she thought it, but she wondered now if maybe subconsciously a part of her feared someone as perfect as AJ might think she was too much baggage to deal with. Maybe she’d unintentionally held back from clarifying just how severe Clair’s condition could be.

  She’d gone from her dad’s shoulder to her mom’s now as she, too, had come out to see what the fuss was about. “This is all my fault.” Addison wept against her mom’s shoulder.

  Her father had since explained to her mother what had happened. “It’s nobody’s fault,” her mother insisted, shushing her crying. “No one should fall into a coma over a little ice cream,” her mom said as she patted Addison’s back. “It’s unfortunate and life isn’t always fair, but I do hope you’ll call AJ once you’ve calmed down and realize there is no way that man would ever do anything to hurt either of you. You can see it in his eyes when he looks at you both. In such a short time, you two seem to mean the world to him, and I’m sure he’s hurting and feeling so guilty. Don’t make him suffer any more than he’s already suffering, Addi.”

  Nodding to acquiesce to her mother, Addison knew she’d be doing no such thing. She’d never forgive herself for this. She’d allowed the thrill of her new relationship with AJ to cloud her judgment—distract her—and she’d let her guard down when it came to Clair’s safety. She should’ve stuck with her gut and known allowing herself to become involved in a relationship might distract her from her number-one priority.

  If, by the grace of God, Clair made it through this, Addison would never make that same mistake again. And if she didn’t . . . AJ would forever be a reminder of the unforgivable mistake she’d made in her life. So either way, anything more between her and AJ or anyone else was out of the question.

  ~~~

  At her parents urging, Addison was finally making the call she’d been dreading. It’d been two days since AJ walked out of the hospital. He’d since called and texted her sever
al times, and his sister Emi had even left her a message begging her to please just forgive her brother, even if she didn’t want anything to do with him again.

  Once again, it had Addison sobbing. It was all she’d done ever since this all started but especially when AJ had confirmed what she suspected. Clair’s allergic reaction had been a direct result of Addison’s carelessness. She’d been crying at the drop of a pin, but Emi’s voicemail was the only one of all the messages she’d listened to. She knew hearing AJ’s voice would be unbearable. Though, she’d been a mess all through Emi’s message as well.

  Her parents were right. She should be the one who made this call. He deserved to know, and Addison’s father said he preferred if she made it. He was in Atlanta now, but she knew his game was over. He answered on the first ring.

  “Addison?”

  Something instantly squeezed her windpipe just as she’d expected from hearing his voice alone. “I don’t blame you,” she said, doing her best to not fall apart. “I’m sorry that I did the day you told me about the ice cream, but I know it wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “How is she?”

  “She’s awake,” she whispered, the tears already streaming down her face.

  “She is?” As usual, the emotion in his voice was undeniable.

  “Yes, but she’s not speaking yet. The doctors say it’s normal for that to happen when a patient first wakes.” She took a deep breath before going on. “All her vitals are on target, and she’s been staying awake a little longer every time. Each time there’s improvement too, as far as the stages of recovery go. As usual with Clair, the doctors say she’s actually ahead of the game. She’s already following instructions and doing little things like squeezing our fingers when asked to. My dad flew in Snickers, and she brightened up even more. She’s just not speaking yet, but the doctors are feeling positive about her full recovery. They’re just warning it may take some time.”