“If you mean Eli, this is not the same thing,” I said.
“Yeah, but, I mean, you do have a history of getting rid of your boyfriends.”
“I did not get rid of Eli,” I said. “He left and went to go live with his creepy demon-daddy in Erebos.”
“And invited you to live in his castle,” prompted Gage.
“So? Eli turned into a bastard anyway.”
“After you broke his poor demon heart,” said Gage, trying unsuccessfully to hide a smile.
“Very funny,” I said.
“But really, Nik. That guy must really be hating life right now,” said Gage.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you dumped him because you wouldn’t move to Erebos with him, right? But you’ve been staying there with Lucifer without a complaint.”
“It’s not the same thing,” I said.
“If you say so, Nik,” said Gage. “I’m just saying, he has to see you living in sin with his family’s mortal enemy. That guy must really hate you.”
“Can we please stop talking about Eli?” I said, glaring at him.
“So why aren’t you looking for him?” said Gage.
I shrugged. “Maybe, there’s a chance he doesn’t want to be found.”
“So you meet this powerful guy, he falls head over heels in love with you, you’re crazy about him, and go live with him in his weird castle. Then he disappears and you figure he did it on purpose? Hell of a girlfriend.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said, draining my glass.
“Why? What did you do?”
“You assume it was something I did?” I said. “That’s just offensive.”
I ground my teeth as I stared at him. He looked back at me like a bulldog with a bone. “Okay,” I said rolling my eyes. “There may have been an argument.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“There may have been a certain phrase tossed around that I hadn’t quite said yet.”
“He told you he loved you,” said Gage.
I pursed my lips. “Possibly.”
“And you said…?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You are such a piece of work.”
“I’m not,” I said. “Why does everyone have to say the things they feel? Why can’t we all just show how we feel? Why do I have to say it?”
“Because that’s what people do.”
“Lucifer and I are not people, Bobby. He’s the devil and I’m Death.”
“And you’re in love with him.”
“Yeah, but…”
Bobby grinned and pointed at me. “Gotcha. You totally are in love with him.”
“What’s your point?” I said.
“So why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because I’m screwed up, Bobby, that’s why. I’m broken. And now he’s gone.”
“Missing,” corrected Gage. “Trust me, Niki, that guy would never leave you, even when you’re acting like a crazy person.”
“He’s crazier than I am.”
“That would be an interesting debate,” said Gage. “But you’re the kind of person who thinks an argument is the end of something. Take it from me, there are going to be arguments. Lots of arguments. They’re just part of the process.”
“Process of what?” I said.
“The process of being happy. Of living happily ever after. And you got what no one else has, Niki.”
“What’s that?” I said.
Bobby leaned back in his chair again and for once I saw the glimmer of hurt in his eyes. “You have time. An eternity for all I know. I don’t know how it works. But most of us only get the blink of an eye.” I tried to think of something to say, but the pain was gone from his eyes in an instant. “So do yourself a favor, Slobodian. Go find the guy. Let yourself be happy.”
I swallowed hard, not sure how to say what I wanted to say. “I’m not sure I know how,” I said. “To be happy, I mean. I want it more than anything, Bobby. I can see it when I’m with him. Like if I just reach out and touch it, it could be mine. But I’m scared. I can’t help it. Every time I take a step in the right direction…”
“What?” Gage said.
I met his eyes. “I feel like I’m drowning. And if I go under, I’m afraid I’ll never get back up again.”
“Niki,” Gage said. “That’s normal. That’s what love is. It’s a risk. You can’t be afraid of it. You say you want it more than anything.” He shrugged. “Prove it.”
“What does that mean?”
“If you want it bad enough, you have to take the risk. You have to be willing to drown, Nik. Or you’re no better off than you ever were. And the more afraid you are to jump, the longer you hesitate, the bigger your cracks get. Until there’s no hope for you. It’s too late. You’ll be broken, and there will be no one left to help put you together again. Do you get it, Slobodian? You need this. You need this guy. You’re good together. Stop being an asshole. You gotta jump. Because from what I know, Lucifer’s already drowning for you.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling guilty. Gage lost his wife Sarah long before we met, but I knew he had adored her. And I had to send her ghost away. I didn’t think Gage would ever forgive me, but he understood what I had to do. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him.
“Good,” said Gage, smiling again.
“I need your help with something,” I said.
“Of course you do,” he said. “You didn’t come for the company, did you?”
“Sorry,” I said. “But I will. I promise. It’s just that a monster kidnapped a boy who can open up holes in the world and I promised his dead mother that I would find him.”
Gage sighed heavily. “You’d better start at the beginning.”
* * *
Gage looked into his empty beer glass, his brow furrowed in thought.
“So…snow?” he said.
“Snow,” I said.
“And bloody footprints.”
“Yep. And some kind of magicky ice. You ever hear of such a thing?”
“A few things come to mind,” he said. “Can I look into it? Come back tomorrow and I might have some answers.”
“Sounds good,” I said, starting to get up from my chair.
“Wait, Niki,” said Gage. He raised an eyebrow. “Have you stopped to consider what this kid is opening up? These…what did you call them? Holes in the world.”
“I have no idea,” I said. “I figured they were just, I don’t know, portals of some kind. To other places.”
“Yeah, but what kinds of places?” said Gage.
“What are you trying to say, Bobby?” I said. I could feel the souls starting up again. A painful tug at my chest, like a meat hook lodged in my sternum.
“Well, we know about Erebos, and the angels have told you about Briah. So that’s three worlds including this one, right?”
“Yeah, so?” I realized I was exhausted. My eyelids burned and I could feel the ache in my shoulders and back. I needed sleep. How long had it been since last I slept? I couldn’t even remember.
Gage cleared his throat and looked at me, some kind of realization blooming in his eyes that I didn’t understand.
“What if there are more? What if Heaven and Hell are just the beginning?”
“Then I guess we’re in some pretty deep shit,” I said.
“I guess we would be,” said Gage. “Some things never change.”
CHAPTER THREE
I touched down onto the gleaming black stones and breathed a sigh of relief at the red sky. Erebos was the only place I couldn’t feel the tug of the dead. My shoulders slumped and I shuffled through the door and down a spiral set of stairs. Demons backed out of my way when they saw me coming, ducking their heads as though they didn’t want me to notice them. It had always been like this, even before I officially became Death. But it had gotten worse since tearing the soul from the most powerful lord in Erebos in the town square six months ago. I managed to kill Ba
al, an old god feared by even the most powerful demons and now, the lesser demons scattered when they saw me and most lords tried very hard not to say anything that might offend me. Usually it bothered me, but now I didn’t care. As long as I didn’t have to stop and talk to anyone, I was content to be feared.
I stumbled through the large double doors and leaned against them as they closed with a slam. The room was empty, I saw with a cold shiver of disappointment, as I knew it would be. I knew Lucifer wouldn’t be back, but a small part of me had hoped he would be collapsed on the bed, exhausted from his trip.
I shook my head at my own stupidity. If he was back, I would have felt him. I fell onto the bed and felt myself sinking into sleep even as a thought coursed through my mind:
Something was very, very wrong.
* * *
At the crack of dawn I was lacing up my boots. I looked out at the red sky, streaked with orange and gold. Morning in Erebos. I felt two arms slide around my waist and warm lips pressed to the back of my neck. I leaned into him and closed my eyes. I liked the smell of him, warm and musky with something like lightning after a rainstorm. He held me tighter.
“Don’t go,” he whispered into my ear, sending shivers up my spine. “Stay.”
I felt myself smiling. It felt strange, as though it was somehow wrong for me to be doing it. Wrong for me to be happy. But I let it stay and reached behind my head to touch his stubbled cheek.
“I can’t,” I said. “I’ve been gone too long already.”
“It’s only been a few hours, hasn’t it?”
I laughed. “Three days.”
I heard the rumble of laughter in his chest, pressed up against my back. “Seemed like minutes.”
This is a dream.
I slid out of his grasp and turned around to face him. His hair was mussed, but he somehow looked even better. I could feel his eyes burning into me even in the dim light, and a feeling filled up my insides. The feeling terrified me sometimes. I could get lost in it, lost in him when we were together. Like nothing else mattered. And it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want it to scare me, but it did.
“I can’t be gone for so long,” I said. “I need to be more responsible.”
He reached for me, grasping my waist with warm hands under my shirt. “Why?” he said.
“Because of the souls,” I said, my voice hardly more than a whisper. I could feel the heat coming off him, echoing the same heat coming off of me. “They need me.”
“I need you more.” He bent down and kissed me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
This isn’t real. It’s just a dream.
He pulled away, and stared at me, still holding me close. “Let’s go away. Anywhere. Let’s run away together.”
I laughed, but he didn’t flinch. “Are you serious? We can’t.”
“Yes we can,” he said. “I’m sure of it.”
“What about Erebos? And the souls? We can’t just leave…”
No, not a dream. A memory.
“Who will stop us?” he said. “The Creator? It’s not as if He cares one way or another. I’ve heard He’s already left Briah again. I have people I trust that can take over here. The souls will wait. There will always be souls, Niki. They’ll never stop for you.”
“Where would we go?” I said, my heart racing. I couldn’t go away, could I? “Anywhere in the World isn’t possible. I feel them all there, pulling at me all the time.”
“Outside of Erebos, then,” he said. “Or Briah. You’ve never been there, but you’d love it. It’s beautiful up there. And no one would bother us. Just you and me, alone. No distractions.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“What’s to think about?” he said. “Come away with me.”
“Why?” I said. “Isn’t this enough?”
I felt his grasp tighten. “It’s never enough, Niki.”
I didn’t leave.
* * *
I woke with the tang of the memory sharp in my mind, I touched my lips, remembering the taste of Lucifer in my mouth. I should have gone with him. I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have told him it was never enough for me, either. But I didn’t know how to say it.
The bed seemed cold without him and I rolled out and pulled my shirt on over my head. The thought I’d fallen asleep to reverberated now and a feeling like blind panic started to expand in my chest. Something was very, very wrong.
It was time to talk to Ash.
CHAPTER FOUR
I found him in the hall, walking determinedly towards the meeting hall where I had first met the lords of Hell. He stopped, looking distinctly irritated at my presence, though he bowed his head just as all demons did in my presence. He wasn’t as large as some of the demons I’d met, though he towered over Lucifer. His shoulders were at least as wide as two of me, though he had never achieved the imposing horns the other demons had, something he seemed self-conscious about.
“I’m sorry,” he growled. “I’m in a hurry. The lords await.” He fixed his yellow eyes on me, as if willing me to move out of his way. I frowned, trying to decide if I could trust him. He was a demon, but he wasn’t like the lords. He had always been a vocal supporter of Lucifer, even during his absence. Ash’s nostrils twitched as we stared each other down.
“Was there something you wanted, Niki?” he said. “I really am in a hurry.”
“Something’s wrong,” I said. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my voice level.
He stopped twitching and his expression changed to somber and intense. He ducked his head to look at me eye to eye. “What is it?” he said, his voice low. He glanced behind me, making sure no one was listening. A girl was scrubbing floors at the end of the hall and Ash took hold of my arm and pulled me into a nearby room, shutting the door behind us. It was a servants' quarters, the only light coming through a small window set near the ceiling. There were small beds set against the walls, a fireplace with the dregs of a morning fire burning out. It smelled of woodsmoke and earth.
“Tell me,” said Ash. “What do you know?”
“Maybe it’s nothing,” I said. “I’m probably overreacting.”
“Lucifer?” he said. I nodded. “He’s been gone too long. I was going to propose to the lords that we send a party to search for him.”
“The lords would love that,” I said. “They’d all have a good laugh.”
Ash nodded. “I know. But I have no other options. Why do you think something is wrong?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how to explain. I can’t feel him like I used to.”
“Feel him?” he said.
“There’s this connection. All the Archangels have it. They can sense each other, wherever they are, always. I can’t feel any of the others, but I felt it with…another angel. And I can usually feel it with Lucifer.”
“You felt it with Samael,” said Ash. “No need to be coy.”
I ignored that. “That connection with Sam is completely gone,” I said. “He’s dead, unmade, and there’s no connection at all. But Lucifer is different somehow. It’s weak, but it’s there. Like he went somewhere where I can’t feel him. Or maybe he’s hurt. I don’t know.” I looked at Ash, feeling a sense of helplessness I hadn’t felt since Sofi died. I felt like my stomach had filled with ice. “He’s still alive. I’m sure of it now. I wouldn’t feel anything if he was dead. But something’s wrong.”
“How long has it been?”
“Since a few days after he left. But…”
“But?”
I looked away. “I thought he was doing it. I thought he was shutting me out. Or else I would have told you.”
“You had an argument,” he said, his voice gentle.
“No,” I said. “Well, yes. I’m not really easy to get along with.”
“You are Death,” said Ash. “And therefore complex.”
“Not so much complex as, kind of an asshole.”
Ash squared his shoulders, looking toward the red coals in the fireplace. �
�This is a very bad thing. Very bad indeed.” He looked down at me again. “You do realize where he’s gone? Did he tell you?”
“No,” I said. “He just said he needed to go to the Wastelands to take care of something.”
“Have you ever heard of the Grace?”
“No.”
“If you had, you would never have permitted him to go.”
I raised an eyebrow. “He’s the devil. You think I could stop him from doing anything?”
Ash didn’t blink, but he narrowed his eyes a little. “I think Lucifer would do anything for you. I think he would move worlds to keep you happy. And, given the chance, you would do the same.”
I stepped back, overwhelmed by Ash’s intense stare. “You don’t know that.”
“I know what I see and I know love.” A dark look crossed his face before he recovered. He attempted to smile, but it wasn’t in his nature. “And from what I hear, the two of you are the most powerful beings left in the worlds. Except for The Grace.”
“Who is the Grace?” I said.
“Not one creature. Many. Witches,” said Ash. “Powerful magical beings that have transcended their humanity. The story goes that they traded their souls to the devil in exchange for immortality. Of course that's ridiculous. Lucifer has never bartered for souls. However, it may be possible that they purchased it...somewhere else.”
“Where?” I said.
“They were known to be obsessed with a certain Greek deity. A dangerous obsession.”
“So they are immortal,” I said.
“They are very old,” said Ash. “They have not been seen for hundreds of years. I assumed they died in the Pits.”
“They were in the Pits?” I said.
“Yes. They were banished there by Lucifer himself.”
“They couldn’t have been that strong, if he sent them away. Wouldn’t they get weaker being locked up all that time?”
“I cannot say,” he said. “But those that have the Sight have seen them. And they are not weak. They are frightening. I do not know how they rose from the Pit, but it would take extraordinary power to do such a thing.”
“Power like Abaddon?” I said.
The Devil's Backbone (A Niki Slobodian Novel: Book Five) Page 2