“What are you going to do?” he said. “Why did you bring us here?”
“I’m not really sure,” I said. I met his eyes. “I had a dream about this place. But it’s foggy. I think I need to find my mother.” The whispers were growing louder, more intense. I staggered a little, and Gage caught my arm.
“You gonna be okay?” he said.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying for a smile. “It’s different for us here.”
“Us? You mean you and Lucifer?” I nodded. “This is where you found him, isn’t it? When you came here with Sam.”
“Yes,” I said. “He was here for a very long time.”
“Like, weeks?” he said.
“More like centuries,” I said.
“I’ll never get used to that,” said Gage. He looked around.
“Go find her, Bobby,” I said, nudging him. “I’ll be fine. Go see your wife.”
Gage nodded and started up the center aisle, looking left and right, searching for a familiar face. I closed my eyes when he was out of sight and held onto a nearby slab for support. The nausea was back, hitting me in waves. My vision went a little cloudy at the top of each wave, but I fought it down. I took a breath and headed into Sheol, the glow of the souls leading me through, the whispers rising as I passed each sleeping, translucent body.
I thought about the first time I’d seen Lucifer here, the souls sitting up and becoming blazingly bright as he passed, sparks filling the air as he approached. There had been such power about him. I’d known instantly who he was, and Samael, the angel of death who had brought me here, had seemed pale and weak in comparison.
I paused and closed my eyes again, trying to put away the memory. It hurt too much to think about Lucifer. I felt an empty hollow in the center of my chest that ached and throbbed with all the nothingness that it contained. I wanted him here more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted him to take my face in his hands as he had done on our last night together. He had looked into my eyes and said, “Nothing matters but this, Niki. Nothing.”
Exhaustion was overwhelming me. I sank to my knees on the ground. I only needed to rest for a moment. Just a little while until I stopped feeling so sick. I lowered my face to the cool stone floor. I felt myself drift off even as I choked on a sob.
I looked up and knew it was another dream. A woman, ethereal and translucent and beautiful was standing over me. Wavy red hair fell down to her waist and I knew who she was without even asking.
“Cassandra,” I said.
“You know me,” she said. She watched me stagger to my feet. “I know of you, as well.”
Cassandra was the human who, centuries ago, Lucifer had tried to save. He had loved her and she had been murdered out of spite by the lords of Hell. Lucifer brought her back only to have her die again, and he had been powerless to save her. Out of madness and despair, he asked a necromancer to bring her back. She had lived, but had lost her soul in the process. She was like a wild animal and, after she had killed someone, Lucifer had to kill her himself. Afterward he had spent several hundred years in Sheol, to atone. He claimed that living in Sheol had driven him sane, and given him the time he needed to recover from his own hubris and the grief he felt at losing Cassandra.
“You must feel quite conflicted at the sight of me,” said Cassandra. “Rest easy, I’ve not come for him. It’s you who needs me.”
“Me?” I said.
“It was never me, you know,” she said. “I was delicate back then. Someone he could save to make himself feel like he hadn’t lost himself in this place. I’m not sure he ever really loved me. Not the way he loves you, Niki Slobodian.”
“How do you know any of this?” I said. I was afraid to touch her. I thought she would swirl away from me just like every other soul I touched. Even in a dream.
She was studying me, as if I were an enigma she wanted to solve. “We see more than you think we do.”
“The dead?” I said.
“Yes. Our minds are free to wander. He’ll die for you, you know.”
“What? No, I don’t want that.”
“He would not die for me, but for you…I don’t think there’s anything Lucifer won’t endure. But you mustn’t let him.”
“I don’t understand.”
“He’s come to you, yes? Perhaps just like I’m coming to you. What did he say?”
I hesitated. It was ridiculous, but I felt like speaking of the time I’d spent with Lucifer in my dream was like sharing something intimate, something private. I shook my head of the thought.
“He said I couldn’t save him,” I said. “He said I had to let him save me, but I couldn’t do anything to help him.” I looked away from her. “He said I had to leave him behind.”
“Is that what you’re going to do?” she said, raising a perfect auburn eyebrow. “Are you planning on leaving him behind?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’d rather die,” I said, the intensity of my voice startling even to me.
Cassandra smiled coolly. “Good,” she said.
There was a shudder in reality and suddenly Cassandra was gone, replaced by empty space. Another shudder and the space filled with figures. I backed away, shaking my head.
“Please don’t,” I said. “I can’t do this now.”
The figure at the front stepped forward.
“It must be now, Nikita,” said Sasha, whole again and looking at me with sadness in his eyes.
My mother stood beside him. She was crying silvery tears. She tried to smile at me.
“It’s not your time,” she said, her voice heavily accented. “It cannot be. You must call your father.”
“I tried,” I said. “He didn’t come.”
“He will,” she said. I looked at Sasha, but there was no hurt in his eyes at the mention of Pineme. He only looked at me like I was the saddest thing he’d ever seen.
I looked beyond my parents to see Sofi, young again. Naz stood next to her, the hole in his chest closed up, his eyes crinkling at the sight of me. The figures were multiplying rapidly, all the faces familiar. The people I had known, some of whom had died for me, all stared at me like I was some sort of marvel. A figure moved through the throng to the front, emerging between Sasha and my mother.
“Eli,” I said. He was human again, before the demon side of his heritage had emerged. It was the Eli that I had cared about, the gentle man who had tried to keep me so close even when I did my best to run from him. He smiled, and it was like going back in time. Before his father had come into the picture, before Lucifer, before Sam. When it was just me and him and an apartment with nothing but ramen noodles in the cupboards.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault.”
“No,” he said. “I’m sorry for what’s happened to you. I didn’t make it easier. I was cruel to you, blinded by ambition and bitterness.”
“I hurt you,” I said.
“You have friends, Niki,” he said. “When it’s time to call us, we will come. You have to stop.”
“Stop what?” I said.
“This thing you do to yourself,” said Sasha. “You live for everyone else. Is not good.”
“If you want this world, if you want anything to exist,” said Sofi, almost unrecognizable with soft brown hair and red lips, “then you must stop thinking, Niki. Let us help you.”
“Let us,” said all the voices in unison.
“I don’t know what this means,” I said. “What are you saying?”
“You have to survive,” said Eli. “I see that now. The future lies with you. The future of every world. You hold it inside of you.”
“What?” I said, trying to understand.
“It is not just you, Nikita,” said Sasha. “Not anymore.”
“Lucifer?” I said.
“He is very much a part of you now,” said my mother. “Don’t let him slip away. You’ll need him.”
“Call us,” said El
i. “You’ll know how when the time is right. You’ll know how to hurt in just the right way.”
“Hurt?” I said. “Why will it hurt?”
“Because sometimes,” said Sofi, “to love is to sacrifice. But you must sacrifice. You must leave us behind if there will be any future. You must, Niki. I have seen it.”
“Why?” I said. “What is all this?”
“He’ll die for you if he has to,” said Cassandra, suddenly standing beside me. “You are everything to him. Don’t squander him as I did. I was only a path for him to get to you. He didn’t know it, but it’s always been you, Niki. And you hold the proof.”
“The proof of what?” I said.
“You will know,” she said. “In the end.”
“Sacrifice,” said my mother.
“Sacrifice,” said Sasha.
“Sacrifice what?” I said. I felt tears on my face, but I hadn’t realized I was crying.
Every voice rose to speak as one. “EVERYTHING,” they said. And in an instant a picture flashed in my mind: A backbone, a circle of gold, and I knew I could find it. The Devil's Backbone.
I jolted awake, and scrambled to my side to retch. My stomach clenched, grinding into itself when there was nothing left to vomit. I was sweating, but I shivered. I sat on my heels when I’d finished and wiped my mouth. A final shiver coursed through my body, but as it passed I found that I felt better. A heat filled me, slowly crawling out through my arms and legs and fingers and toes. I felt alive. Something moved inside me and I felt strength within me. I breathed out and I was like new again.
I needed to find Gage and leave this place. I felt no need to see the people I loved who slept here. I’d already seen them, and something about the memory of the dream made me calm. Walking over to the sleeping form nearest to me, I tried to touch the man’s soul who lay there. My finger went through him. He did little more than shudder, though his whispers became louder, more plaintive.
I would know how to call them when the time was right, Eli had said. You’ll know how to hurt in just the right way. The thought wasn’t pleasant, but I had to trust my intuition that it was the truth. I had to stop running from things that caused me pain. It was time to face my fears. It was time to find the Grace.
It was time to bring Lucifer home.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I looked down at Eli’s body. It looked like shredded meat at the throat. There was no sign of the gigantic wolf that had attacked him. I looked at Gage who stood shakily beside me. It wasn't safe for him here. What happened to Eli could have happened to him.
“I'm sorry, Bobby,” I said.
“For what?” he said.
I touched his forehead gently and the big man went down like a sack of bricks. I looked to the two remaining guards. The rest lay at our feet, dead. “For his protection,” I said. “Where did the wolf go?”
The guards exchanged a look.
“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” I said wearily. “I won’t hurt you.” I looked down at Dorana’s body and felt something clench inside me. I felt like I might throw up again, but it passed after a moment.
“It…when you left us…the wolf just ran off,” said the guard closest to me.
“It didn’t attack you?” I said, frowning.
The two shook their heads.
“Did you get a weird feeling about that thing?” I said.
“What do you mean?” said the guard who had been quiet until now. “I’ve never seen anything like it, if that’s what you mean. There has never been such a beast in Erebos.”
“Could it be another monster?” said the first guard. “Like the one that attacked the city?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It was like it was protecting us.”
The two demons stared at me like I’d said something crazy. Maybe I had. But the wolf was odd. I felt as though I’d seen it before, though I couldn’t imagine how that could be true.
“I have a job for you two,” I said. I nodded to Gage’s sleeping body. “I need you to take my friend back to the city. Do you understand? He'll wake in a few hours.”
They nodded, looking toward Erebos. The second guard looked decidedly relieved.
“What about you, miss?” said the first guard.
“What about me?”
“What will you do?” he said. “You can’t go out there on your own.”
“Can’t I?” I said. “Don’t worry, I have a plan. Not a very good one, but you can’t have everything, can you?”
“I don’t know, miss,” said the guard.
I sighed. “Never mind. Just take Bobby back. I’ll be fine.”
“If Lucifer comes back, he will be very upset if anything happens to you.”
“What do you mean if?” I said.
The guard shifted uncomfortably.
“I’m going to bring him back,” I said. “And when I do, you will be rewarded. I don’t have time to argue. Just go.”
I watched them carry Gage, a hulking arm over each of their sizable demon shoulders, Bobby’s feet dragging along the red dirt at the toes. When I couldn’t see them any more, I turned and looked down at Sheol. I could still hear the whispers, and I frowned, the heat in my guts feeling like it was going to burn right through my skin.
“I need you,” I muttered to the air. “Lucifer, you’d better not goddamn die. I won’t let you.”
I turned, fixing in my mind the image that my mother’s ghost had shown me. Hopefully it hadn’t been just a regular dream. Who knew where I’d end up if it wasn’t real. There was a sound nearby and I strained my eyes to see in the dim light. A shape moved toward me and I froze.
The wolf was as tall as my shoulder. The shaggy fur made it look bigger than it was. It walked slowly toward me, wary. It had its head down and ears raised. I felt my heart speed up as a jolt of fear went through me. But just as I braced myself to fight, the beast lowered its head even farther, almost to the ground. It laid down and something like a whine came from it. I took a shaky step forward and the beast pulled itself toward me and set its great head on my feet. It was warm and alive and I felt a shock of recognition.
I crouched down and set my hand on its head. The wolf didn’t move, just kept lying at my feet.
“What are you?” I whispered. I ran my hand through its thick, matted fur. There was something so odd about the creature. “Why are you helping me?”
As if in reply the wolf raised his head and looked at me. I frowned at the glimmer of its eyes. I felt a shiver go up my spine. I caught my breath. With a shaking hand I reached out and lifted the fur that partially covered his eyes.
“Oh my god,” I breathed. I couldn’t stop looking into those eyes. So dark with no whites. Shapes seemed to move behind the black like storm clouds at night. I pulled my hand away and stumbled back. “It can’t be,” I whispered. “Jesus, it can’t be.”
The wolf was watching me and growled a low growl. Not a dangerous growl, though. Not the way he’d growled at Eli when I was in danger. I stared at him.
“What the hell is happening?” I said. “This isn’t possible.”
The wolf looked away, as if ashamed. It gave a soft whine and put its big head on his paws. I was sure now. I knew what it was that I’d found familiar.
“I’ve been looking for you for such a long time,” I said, “Lucifer.”
* * *
“So…you’re a wolf now,” I said, sitting across from the giant beast that used to be my boyfriend. He didn’t move, just stared at me, barely blinking. I didn’t know if he had his mind intact, or if his mind had been taken as well. It seemed there was something of Lucifer intact. I looked away, sniffing.
“Did the Grace do this to you?” I said, looking back. The wolf just kept up his steady stare. “Goddammit,” I said. “You should have told me. You should have let me come.”
The wolf growled.
“Whatever,” I said.
I couldn’t leave him. Not again. Especially not like this. I would find a way to
change him back. I had to. I stood and the wolf stood with me. My plan was to travel between the worlds with him, envisioning the destination and taking him with me, just as I had done with Bobby Gage. But I wasn't sure that would work. He was too big and I was afraid he’d forget who he was and bite me. I sighed.
“Well, I guess we’d better get going,” I said. Lucifer padded along with me across the dry, hot plain.
* * *
I didn’t eat or drink much any more, but took Eli’s pack anyway. After a few hours of walking, I was starting to get blisters on my feet and there was dust in my throat. We stopped and I pulled off my boots and drank some water. I poured a stream for Lucifer to lap up.
Lucifer. It was hard to wrap my mind around that. I eyed the big animal and a searing pain flared up inside me. I was going to make those witches pay. They were playing a game with me, and I hated games.
What does Death fear?
Why did they care? What was it about me that figured into their game? It could be something regarding their deaths, or lack thereof. It might involve the Creator, or my father Pineme. I wished Ash were here to give me sage advice. I felt stupid trying to understand all this stuff.
I looked at the wolf. I could see his Lucifer-eyes, and it made my chest hurt.
“I don’t know if you understand me,” I said. “But I wanted to say it, you know. I wanted to tell you. I’m drowning for you, too. You probably don’t know what that means, even if you know what I’m saying, but it’s true. I can’t do it without you, Lucifer. Any of it. Taking the souls. Surviving. Being alive. Any of it. I don’t want any of it without you. So I’m going to bring you back. I know you told me not to, if that really was you in my dream, but I don’t give a damn. You understand that? It’s not up to you anymore. I’m saving you because I’m goddamn selfish, and a world without you isn’t worth it for me. It’s nothing. Like a body without a soul. It may as well crumble into dust.” I swallowed thickly. The animal hadn’t looked away from me. “It’s always been you, Lucifer. Even before it was you. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.” I looked down into my lap. “I’m not going to let you go.” I looked into the beast’s eyes again and when I spoke once more, my words were like steel. “I won’t ever let you go. Never. And if you don’t believe that, then you don’t know me at all.”
The Devil's Backbone (A Niki Slobodian Novel: Book Five) Page 10