But that would take Lev away, too, and I can’t bear that thought.
“Lev?” I call, one last time, hoping he’ll answer. I just want to know what’s happening to me. Is this yet another side-effect of the dagger, or are my fears causing me to do things like sleepwalk when I’ve never done so before?
I fold my arms across my abdomen and turn, taking in the full landscape surrounding me. Did I drive or walk here? It’s two miles from the house. I frown and try to orient myself, but this is a bigger cemetery than I’m used to, and I haven’t been here that much except when Bob was here. So where is that headstone he used to visit? I start walking to my left, but I’m not sure where I’m going. At night, the place looks totally different, and I’m cold, so it’s hard to focus.
In the distance, I see a figure standing by one of the crypts. I can’t make much out besides his or her slight build, but I’m willing to bet it’s Lev looking for me, so I start over that way, trying to ignore the hard ground and stones that dig into my feet and make me hobble around, muttering curses under my breath. The wind picks up strands of my long hair and toys with them before thrusting them into my face and obscuring what little I can see that much more.
Sensing the figure is about to turn the corner of the crypt and disappear into the shadows, I break into a run. Granted, it’s more of a jog because of all the headstones in my path, but I have to catch him. I just don’t understand why he’s not coming to me. Doesn’t he see me?
“Lev?” I call, half-stumbling over a stone. The pain rips across the top of my foot and I wince, but I can’t stop now or I’ll lose him. I jog faster, reaching the building as he disappears. By this time, I’m starting to pant because I don’t normally run anywhere, and I’m pretty tired, anyway. My hand is starting to ache, and I just want to go home.
I turn the corner, but I’m definitely not prepared for what’s on the other side. The figure is shorter than Lev and far less bulky, suggesting not a male but a female, and when I rustle through the thick grass, she turns to face me.
Jayzee. Her long, golden-brown hair has been tucked up under a hood that she jerks back so the length of it can spill over her shoulders.
“Not quite who you were expecting, Lizzie?” she asks in a caustic tone. Her arms dangle at her sides, but her fingers clench to fists. “This is so not going to be good for you.”
I step back, stunned. My heart rams in my chest, and all I can think is that I need to run. I don’t want this power to overtake me, and I can’t control it. So I turn and get about three steps before I feel her lunge upon me. The force of it knocks us both to the ground. My chest slams against the earth, stunning me, and for a second all I can think about is breathing, not getting up.
“Wasn’t that fun?” she asks, quickly rising and standing over me.
“You don’t know what you’re doing,” I whisper, trying to get to my feet. “You have to stop!”
“No, actually, I don’t.” She jerks her leg back, and I feel the front of her shoe jam into my ribs. “And you can’t make me, Lizzie. You might as well face that.”
She doesn’t know how wrong she is, I think, rolling into a ball, trying to slow my heart rate. I close my eyes, thinking that will stop my vision from transforming—the first sign things have progressed too far to turn around.
“Please stop,” I say again, my voice breathless.
“I will. When I’m ready.” Another kick I can’t block. Then her foot strikes my hand, and I scream from the pain. My eyelids jerk open, and I feel the cramps in my stomach, the desperate ache that accompanies the shift in visions.
“You don’t know what you’re doing! Stop!”
“I know exactly what I’m doing. Getting rid of my problem—the one that ruined all the plans I’d so carefully laid with Kane and Colin. You deserve to die!”
She starts to kick me again when I catch her foot and yank so she tumbles to the ground beside me. As her body hits the earth, she grunts as though she’s definitely not expecting it.
Pain shoots through my hand, and even in the moonlight, I can see a huge pink spot now stains the gauze, and it’s probably only going to get bigger from ripping out the stitches Evan put in.
“You’re going to pay for that,” she snarls, quickly getting to her feet. Behind her, I see the air shimmer as the faintest hint of her wings make themselves apparent. That’s the last thing I see as my vision totally shifts to the splotches of light. Her form is so bright it hurts to see her, and the outline of her body is so clear that when she starts to throw a punch, I easily dodge—too easily, which worries me all the more. I shouldn’t be this flexible or fast.
Despite her attempts to lash out at me, I keep blocking her and get to my feet. As I stand, her eyes widen, as though this is the first time she’s really thought about things going badly. “You’re not acting like you,” she mutters, stepping back and holding her punches for the moment. She cocks her head to the side and eyes me in a new light, as though trying to figure out what’s changed.
“It’s the dagger, isn’t it?”
I hate the way my heartbeat is speeding up. I feel like I can’t breathe. And she just stands there, watching me as though she’s expecting me to do tricks. I only have one, and she’s really not going to like it.
“You might want to get out of here and leave Griffin alone, Jayzee. It’s for your own good, I promise.”
“Like hell,” she mutters. “Griffin is mine.”
Anger simmers inside of me, and that’s when I see the light starting to glow in my fingertips. “I’m serious, Jayzee. Leave Griffin alone and get out of here. Now!”
“Should I pretend to be frightened of you?” She folds her arms across her chest and shakes her head. “I haven’t even used any supernatural force to hit you, Lizzie. Imagine what that would feel like.”
I can’t believe she hasn’t spotted the glow in my hands. I know it’s going to keep building. I have to get her to leave. I reach out and shove her with both hands. “I’m dead serious. Get out of here before I kill you, Jayzee. You don’t have a clue what you’re messing with.”
At that moment, she finally sees the fire on my fingertips and stumbles backwards, still staring at the bright light glowing in my hand. “What…what’s that?” She should be running. Instead, she’s just staring. How has she lived this long? It’s like a stupid horror film in which one of the girls just watches the monster, knowing it’s going to kill her but not moving just the same.
Except this time, I’m the monster.
“Get out of here!” I scream as the glow in my hand seems blinding even to me. But the warning has come too late. My stomach tenses with cramps, and I feel nauseated—as though I can’t bear the pain anymore but can’t stop it either. All I can do is grit my teeth and ride it; I no longer control my body. The dagger does.
Jayzee turns and starts to run, her wings materializing even as she flees. The light dances from my hand toward her, striking the middle of her back where the wings seam together so flawlessly. She screams and for a few seconds, she stands motionless, her body caught in the posture of mid-running, one knee raised high, her arms bent at the elbows and hands curled into loose fists.
“No!” I say, trying to unfurl my fists, but I can’t, and the light just keeps coming. Her body starts to fall, and the lasso of brightness holds her, charring her wings before the light finally dies away. All my energy goes as well, and all I can see is the blackness that washes over me. It tears at me, trying to suck me into its nothingness, but I fight it, unwilling to let it win again.
The pain is excruciating. I can hardly breathe. I roll into a tight ball and close my eyes, willing away the pain. Anything to diminish the clawing inside my gut.
It seems to take forever for my sight to finally go from the darkness to being able to see the dead grass I lie in, waiting for the world to make sense, yet some part of me knows that in the darkness there is no guilt or shame. Now that I can see, my vision focuses on Jayzee’s tennis shoe not f
ar from my head. Part of me wants her to jerk her foot or something—anything but this stillness that belies the unthinkable. Part of me wants to believe that at least now Griffin will be free, which has to be a good thing.
But that also means I’ve killed someone.
I shudder and gasp before forcing myself to sit upright and look over at her. Sure enough, she’s lying on her side with both legs bent. Her face peers straight up at the heavens with unblinking eyes, and her long, beautiful hair splayed around her head in a wild wispy halo. The wings are visible, but are not nearly as large as I thought they would be, and the feathers around the edges have been charred.
Her lips are parted. Only God knows the last sound that came out of them, and I don’t even want to try to imagine it. She’s so still, and right now I can’t bear it. I knew this would happen. I keep shaking my head as I force myself to go over there and check to see if she’s breathing, even though I pretty much already know the answer. The stillness in her body forces me to snatch my hand away, and I scurry backwards, ignoring the rocks nestled in the grass that bruise my legs and steal my breath. I’d keep backing up, but when I hit the wall of a crypt, there’s nowhere else to go and all the time in the world to get there.
I start shaking and force myself to get up. Unable to tear my gaze from her face, I retreat , my hand brushing against the polished marble I walk, more for guidance than support.
How do things get so twisted that people or angels become corpses? I don’t understand, and I’m tired. The nausea hits suddenly, and I force myself to turn away when I vomit. I don’t know why. It’s not as if she could actually see me do it. It’s not as if it matters. But I can’t feel her eyes on me like this. It hurts too much.
When my stomach has emptied itself, I force myself to straighten, closing my eyes as I turn away from Jayzee this last time. Part of me wonders if Griffin felt her passing from this world like I felt Lev’s the day Maguire shot him. Then again, it’s not the same. Griffin didn’t willingly fall in love with her; she forced his hand. I loved Lev with every fiber of my being, and it almost killed me to lose him.
As I grab the side of the crypt to get away from Jayzee, pain erupts in my hand, and I jerk it away. Through my blurred vision, I notice the stain on the palm is much worse, just like the pain. Of course, I’m alive, which made one of us.
I keep telling myself not to cry, but I can’t help it. I should have run when Lev told me I would probably kill Jayzee, that it would be the only way to free Griffin. I just thought if I avoided her, it would somehow work out. Suddenly my body starts shaking convulsively, and I know I have to get out of here; I can’t take much more of this. As it is, all the days I wish I could take back are gaining on all the days I’m glad I’m alive.
The heated flow of tears pour down my face, and no matter how fast and hard I try to wipe them away, I can’t stop them. They just keep coming. So I start to hurry my steps, trying desperately to ignore the stones beneath my feet. It’s so hard to know where I’m walking, and the night is just this crater of blackness around me. There’s lots of space, but I still can’t breathe. An image of Jayzee’s face fills my head and I suddenly break into a run, not caring how many stones I run into or how easily I could trip. I have to put some distance between me and this place where even the dead don’t seem to rest in peace.
The blackness blurs together, and I peer up at the starless canopy of midnight blue overhead, lamenting the absence of starlight. My teeth chatter, and I rub my good hand over my arm, trying to add to the warmth. The wind picks up and flips my hair into my eyes, making them sting.
The world is so strange around me, and I don’t know where I’m going; I just know that anywhere has to be better than here.
Chapter Six
One moment I’m running through the cemetery in a blind panic, my vision smeared with tears, and the next I feel hands gripping my arms, stopping me.
“Elizabeth? What’s going on?” The voice is distorted, and I can see a figure in front of me, but the moonlight isn’t bright enough for me to distinguish much else, which only leads to me trying to pull away harder and crying. I have to get out of here. Jayzee is dead back there.
“Are you hurt?” Hands wrap around tightly my arms as I try to bolt again. His grasp is strong and sure. Faint moonlight washes over his grey sweatshirt. “Stop trying to run.” He slips his hand under my chin and forces my gaze to his.
It is then I see the moonlight trickle through his blond hair, and I realize Lev has found me, but it is too late to take things back—too late to stop the monster I am becoming.
“Say something, Elizabeth!” he demands in a frantic voice, and his gaze sweeps over me as though looking for a physical reason I have become mute.
“You have to get away from me!” I snap, wondering if that power will suddenly resurface. While Lev is pure and Jayzee wasn’t, I don’t know that there is much else that is different about them.
“Calm down. I’m not in any danger, okay? If I were, I’d be gone. Now tell me what happened.”
“Jayzee.” I don’t have the strength to say more and I start to pull away, bent on running until I get the hell out of this place, but Lev isn’t releasing me.
“Where is Jayzee?” he asks, frowning as he takes in the lay of the cemetery. “I don’t see her.”
I swallow hard and force myself to look back so I can find the crypt and point it out. “On the side.” I try to hedge away. No go. He isn’t easing his grip one bit.
“Okay. You need to calm down and tell me what happened.” His jaw clenches, and I can tell this is so not what he wants to talk about.
“How did you find me?” I ask, wishing my heart would slow and let me breathe normally.
“It took a while. Now back to Jayzee….” he prompts, his gaze lingering on the crypt.
“I must have sleep-walked out here because I woke up from a nightmare and found myself on the ground. I’ve never been here at night so I was disoriented. I thought I saw a figure by the crypt and expected it to be you. When I got there, I realized my mistake—that it was Jayzee. I tried to get out of there, but she attacked me. I was afraid of the power coming out, so I tried to stay calm and not react. I did pretty well until my hand got hurt again. Then….” My voice trails off and it’s just as well because I know I’m going to start crying again if I keep talking about this.
“Let me see your hand,” he demands, reaching for it.
“It’ll be okay,” I lie, not wanting him to freak out about the blood seeping through the bandage.
“Let me be the judge of that.” He quickly grabs my hand and flips my palm up to the sky so the growing stain which is now about the size of a tennis ball faces him.
“It’ll be fine!” I insist and try to jerk my hand away.
“No, it won’t. When Jayzee attacked you, she pulled the stitches loose. Evan is going to have to redo them to get the bleeding to stop.”
The thought of a needle going into my skin forces a convulsive shudder, and I whisper, “No.”
“This isn’t a debate, Elizabeth. We have to get the bleeding to stop.” He grabs my free hand and starts to lead me back toward the crypt and Jayzee when I fight him, not that it does much good.
“I don’t want to go back there!” I dig in my heels and try to jerk back, but he keeps towing me toward Jayzee regardless. “Lev, please. I can’t go back…there.”
My voice is filled with panic and pain, which halts him. “Will you promise to sit here, then, and let me look after her if I don’t force you to go?”
“Yes.” At his point, I would promise him pretty much anything not to have to revisit what I’ve done. It doesn’t matter that maybe she did deserve it. She was alive, and now she isn’t, which is all my fault, and that goes against everything I believe.
“Sit down,” he says quietly and waits for me to sink to the ground before he turns and heads to the crypt. Once or twice he looks back to make sure I’m staying put. Satisfied, he rounds the corner and
disappears. I draw my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them so I can lay my head on my legs. Once I’ve settled, I close my eyes and wait, wondering how Lev will deal with Jayzee and what will happen next.
As I sit there, I feel myself start to drift to sleep, so I jerk upright. Even though the dreams haven’t begun again, I see those angelic faces, and they frighten me, and I force myself to sit straighter, hoping that will drive away the exhaustion. The cold night air is definitely helping on that score. Chewing my bottom lip, my gaze keeps shooting toward the crypt, waiting for Lev to re-emerge.
I know I tried not to kill her. I warned her, but she refused to listen. But knowing that doesn’t change how I feel about what happened. I blink to see Lev return. At first, his head is tilted to the ground, but as he walks he looks up at me, a frown etching lines into his forehead.
As he gets closer, I stand. “What did you do?” I shiver.
“Dealt with her human form.” His gruff voice hints that he really doesn’t want to talk about this.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling my shoulders sag.
“It’s not your fault,” he says, taking my hand so he can check the bleeding. “You look like you are freezing.”
“Yeah. It’s colder than during the day.” I try to brush the hair from my face, but the wind keeps blowing it back, blocking my vision.
“I should get you home.”
I try to orient myself to the parking lot, but I’m still turned around enough so I can’t even guess where it is. “Did you drive here?”
Lev shakes his head. “What do you think, Elizabeth?”
“Guess not.”
“Are you ready to fly?”
I nod , and he slips in front of me and wraps his arms around my torso. Seconds later, we rise into the air toward the bruised sky sans stars. Once again, Lev’s hold seems so casual, not like he’s the only thing keeping me from falling to my death, and even as we soar across the sky, all I can see are his blue eyes staring at me. His lips are parted, and I know he must be thinking a million things, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know any of them right now.
Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4) Page 6