by Cassia Leo
She opens the manila envelope and removes a large stack of paper from within. She sets the envelope aside and lays the stack of paper on top of her lap.
“After your parents decided that it would be better for us not to be part of your life, I grieved for a while. I hadn’t just lost you, I had lost the right to know all the things that would make you who you are today. All the birthdays and holidays. All the school projects and bedtime stories. All the triumphs and failures. All the lessons and heartbreak. I was going to miss all of it. That was the worst part. But I quickly realized that, if I was diligent, it’s possible that you wouldn’t have to miss out on any of that stuff.”
She hands me the stack of paper and I lay it gently in my lap. “For the past seventeen years, I’ve kept a journal, an unpublished memoir of sorts. I tried to record all the most important events of our lives over the past seventeen years, in hopes that one day I would be able to gift it to you. And I’ve documented what I remember most from the time your father and I met up until the day we lost you and beyond. I’ve tentatively titled this memoir Shattered Hearts, but it will never be published. It’s for you and only you. I printed you a copy and emailed you the file.”
I hug the stack of papers to my chest as I stare at the carpet. “I wish Caleb could read it with me. He… He really loved you guys.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulders and squeezes me. “We loved him too. And we love you. It hurts me so much to see you in so much pain.” She strokes my hair and I sigh as she wipes the tears from my cheeks. “I just need you to promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“Promise me you’ll write the last chapter of that book. The one where Abby realizes what a beautiful second chance at life she’s been given and she uses it to get her happily ever after.”
I nod and she takes me into her arms, holding me tightly until my body stops trembling. When she finally lets go, I look into her eyes and, for just a brief millisecond, I see her as a seven-year-old girl. If she could survive losing her whole family, like Caleb, then I can survive this. It’s time to open that email.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Four months later
I SLIDE INTO THE driver’s seat of my new white Volvo and the door closes and locks on its own. I press the start button, then I begin entering the Cary address in the navigation system. I confirm the destination and my self-driving car sets off on the short journey from my house to my other house.
I had originally wanted to call them House #1 and House #2, but Junior thought it was so funny that their house was #2. He certainly didn’t need any more material for his arsenal. So I settled on “my house” and “my other house.”
I mostly stay at my house, but I have spent a couple of weeks at the house in Cary. And I even convinced my parents to spend Christmas with the Knights and the Pollocks. I like to see it as pulling double-duty, making sure Caleb’s heart is always surrounded by family.
But today, I’m headed to Cary, in the car Chris insisted he had to buy for me, for a very different reason. It’s been four months since I opened Caleb’s final email to me. And today would have been Caleb’s nineteenth birthday. Today, I’m finally going to fulfill Caleb’s final request.
When I opened that email four months ago, I thought my parents were going to have to take me back to the hospital. My heart—Caleb’s heart—was pounding so hard just from seeing the words “Hey, sunshine!” But I managed to calm myself down and read on. And what I found was a very short email containing the log-in information for Caleb’s YouTube account. In the email, he explained how he had some private videos he wanted me to see, and how he would leave it up to me how I wanted to use those videos.
Immediately, I thought to myself, “Caleb is giving me what I want. He’s giving me a chance to hear his voice one more time.” And I didn’t know if I was ready for that. So I saved the username and password and tucked them away for another day. A stronger day.
Two weeks ago, on New Year’s Day, I made a resolution to be stronger. To do more with the awesome gift Caleb bestowed upon me. And the first thing I did was log into that YouTube account.
There are six videos in all. Each one is of him sitting on the stool in his bedroom with his guitar in his lap. He introduces himself and talks about the song he’s about to play. The first video I click on is titled “Chasing Abby.” And the first time I hear his voice, it’s like a kick in the chest.
“I wrote this song after you ran away from me in the mall and you hid in that shoe store. Don’t worry. It has nothing to do with malls or shoes. And I’m not actually going to sing the song. The lyrics are in the description, down there.” He points downward and I resist the urge to reach out and touch his hand on the screen. “I’m kind of hoping you’ll sing while I play, ’cause you know my voice is shit. But you sing like an angel. So, yeah, here it goes. ‘Chasing Abby.’”
Today, I’m going to learn how to record a vocal track in Chris’s home studio. Today, I’m going to use the many gifts Caleb and the world have offered me. Today, I’m going to sing while Caleb plays.
EPILOGUE #1
Seventeen months later
SITTING IN A TRAILER while Abby has her hair and makeup done is surreal. I’ve only been to three shows where Abby performed, but she wasn’t the headliner. So she didn’t get her own trailer, which is fine. She’s been using Chris’s tour bus to play shows all over the country for the past seven months. Chris has been to nineteen of the forty-two shows she’s played, which is a lot when you have a new baby in the family.
But Chris has his juggling act down to a science. He’s home with me and the kids all week, then he flies out to attend the bigger shows on the weekend. While he’s gone, Junior and Ryder help me with Baby Caleb.
Jimi spent the holidays at home in December, which helped fill the void when Abby spent the holidays with Brian and Lynette at her other grandparents’ lodge. The weird thing is that I went eighteen years without Abby, and now I feel empty when I don’t get to see her during the holidays. I do wish I would have had more time with her before she went off on tour, but I’m just happy to see her blossom into such a gifted, hardworking performer. And I’m extremely proud that it was Chris who made it all possible. In the end, she needed him as much as he needed her.
Caleb is getting antsy in this trailer. I’ve taken him for three walks outside since we got here at five p.m., and it’s only 6:45. He hates being in confined spaces. He’s been sitting on the twin-size bed in the trailer, playing with a box of Legos I brought from home. But now he’s grunting and throwing the pieces all over the floor in frustration. Someone’s going to step on one of these and sue me.
I scoop him up in my arms and hold him while I kneel down to pick up all the stray Lego pieces. I thought these days were over after Ryder reached a certain age. But it turns out having a new baby in the house has been a blessing in disguise. A very stinky, messy, sickeningly adorable disguise. Even before he was born, Caleb has done a good job of keeping Abby tethered to us. He’s very hard to resist.
Abby’s personal assistant, Ariana, smiles as she approaches me in the back of the trailer. “Do you need any help, Mrs. Knight? Perhaps a video or something for Caleb to watch?”
“No, thank you, Ariana. Chris will be back soon, then we’ll be heading out.”
Caleb grabs a red Lego piece out of my hand and stuffs it inside my shirt collar. I laugh as I turn away from Ariana so I can reach inside and dig it out.
“No, Caleb. Stop,” I whisper as he tries to put another Lego in my shirt.
“Please let me know if you need anything at all,” Ariana says, but when I turn around a few seconds later, she’s gone.
I walk about ten steps to the middle of the trailer where Abby is getting her hair done. A woman in a black T-shirt, blue jeans, and a small black apron is styling her hair in perfect beach waves. In her blue peep-toe booties and that silky cream dress, Abby looks more like she stepped off a runway than a beach. But I know I’m ju
st being overprotective. Abby is not a little girl. She’s twenty years old. And she’s endured way more than most girls her age. She deserves to be doted on and glammed up.
The hairstylist spritzes Abby’s hair with a few final squirts of hairspray, then she holds up her arms. “Done!”
“Yay!” Abby cheers, smiling at my reflection in the mirror as she stands from the chair. She turns around and holds her arms out for me to hand Caleb over. “Come here, Bubba.”
“He’ll ruin your dress, and your hair. That’s not a good idea.”
“Mm-hmm,” the hairstylist agrees with me as she coils the cord around a curling iron.
“Oh, who cares?” Abby protests. “I’m not the star of today’s show.”
“I beg to differ,” I say, handing Caleb to her. “I believe it’s your name plastered on all the concert posters.”
She smiles as she rubs noses with Caleb and he laughs. “You’ll agree with me after you see the show.”
She plays with Caleb for a few more minutes, then she heads into the bathroom to warm up her vocal folds. She insists on doing this in the bathroom. She thinks it’s rude to do it in a roomful of people.
She comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later, as I’m walking Caleb up and down the narrow space running along the center of the trailer. She sits back down in the makeup chair and she suddenly begins to tear up.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she insists, grabbing a tissue off the makeup counter and dabbing at the corners of her eyes. “I just had a bad vision that I messed up the performance and I let Caleb down.”
“Oh, Abby. You could never let him down. Wherever he is, he is so proud of you.” I pull Caleb up into my arms and settle him down on my hip. “You’ve done more with his heart than I’m sure he ever imagined you would do. And I’m sure whatever you have planned for today is going to go perfectly. And if you mess up, I’m sure Caleb will be looking down on you, pointing and laughing.”
She lets out a puff of laughter as she wipes her eyes. “You’re right. He’d be happy just to see me sitting here talking to you. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“Yes, I do. I have to thank you. Without you, my parents wouldn’t be standing in the front row tonight. Without Chris, I wouldn’t even be on that stage. I love you, Mom.”
“I never get tired of hearing you call me that. I love you, sweetheart.”
I lean in to kiss her forehead, then I remember I’m wearing lipstick. But when I pull back, Caleb has a chunk of Abby’s hair in his hand.
“Oh, no.”
I unfurl his fat fingers from around her hair and she smiles as I step back. Then she reaches down and grabs Caleb’s hand to walk him up and down the narrow corridor, as I was doing a few minutes ago.
I wish I could tell Abby how much Chris longs to hear her call him Dad. But I know she’ll do it when she’s ready. She and Chris have spent most of their time together working. I imagine it must be difficult for her to separate all the roles he plays in her life.
As if he can hear my thoughts, Chris enters just as the makeup artist arrives to touch up Abby’s makeup. But Abby ignores her. And she’s too engrossed in Caleb to see Chris. But Chris’s eyes are locked on her, and only one thought crosses my mind.
I don’t think there’s anyone in this world who loves Abby as fiercely as he does. And you don’t need to hold the title Dad to be someone’s father. Just as you don’t need to be someone’s father to hold the title Dad. But when your Dad and your father are both Chris Knight, you can be sure that you’re the luckiest girl on the planet.
IT WAS DIFFICULT for Claire to accept that I need to be on the road with Abby this summer. Especially since her forty-first birthday is coming in August, which is also the twenty-fifth anniversary of our first kiss. But she claims she’s okay with it now. As long as I’m back before the New Year, our twentieth wedding anniversary.
Where did the time go?
There were so many years, so many endless nights, where it seemed the time would never pass by fast enough to make it to Abby’s eighteenth birthday. Now, two years after she walked through my front door, I just want time to slow down. I’m afraid I’ll wake up tomorrow and thirty years will have passed, and I’ll be scratching my head, wishing I had done more.
But I know this fast-paced life, the long hours in the studio and the touring, will all pay off for Abby. And in a couple of years, I’ll be able to sit back in my recliner and watch her singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. And I’ll smile and say, “That’s my princess.”
The sound check went great, now I just have to get a good-luck kiss from Claire and this show is sure to go off without a hitch. I race down the steps backstage and make a beeline for Abby’s trailer. When I enter, I’m not surprised to find Claire watching as Abby walks little Caleb up and down the tight corridor in the middle of the trailer.
I must admit that I felt vindicated when our fifth child turned out to be a boy. We now outnumber the girls in the house. We have strength in numbers. And it seemed natural that we should let Abby name him, since he was the spark of hope on the horizon for quite a while after Caleb’s death.
“Oh, I can’t take it. I can’t resist those chubby legs!” She scoops him up in her arms and he giggles as she turns him upside-down and gently bites his leg. “Yum!”
There is no sound as beautiful as a child’s laughter, but I know the song Abby is going to sing today is going to come pretty damn close. She hands Caleb over to Claire and he laughs as she plants a loud kiss on his cheek.
Claire steps out of the way so Abby can sit down in the makeup chair and the makeup girl scoots around her to do one last touch-up on Abby’s face. Abby closes her eyes as a fine dusting of powder is applied to her forehead and cheeks, and I wonder what she’s thinking. I hope she’s not too nervous.
She’s been playing smaller venues for the past seven months in preparation of this album launch. The album released last Tuesday and she’s been freaking out for the past four days as she watched the first single, “Chasing Abby,” hit the Billboard top ten in its first week. But she’s never performed the song live. She wanted to wait until today’s show in Raleigh before she unveils something she’s been working on for four months with her new boyfriend.
It was odd to me when Abby told me she was dating someone new. I’ve been wanting her to move on after Caleb’s death, but I didn’t realize how much Caleb had gotten under my skin until Abby told me about her new beau.
Five months ago, I hired Jaxon Stone to work as a lighting technician on the Chasing Abby Tour. About a month after I hired him, I began noticing Jaxon and Abby sneaking off to have private discussions. At first I didn’t think anything of it. I thought they were just discussing ideas for the lighting. Then, I noticed how sullen Abby looked when Jaxon wasn’t around and Jaxon was the same whenever Abby was gone. Finally, I asked Abby what was going on between them and her answer surprised me even more.
“Jaxon is helping me plan a tribute to Caleb.”
The smile on her face told me there was more to it than that, but I don’t think Abby had admitted this to herself by then. Another month passed and Jaxon was sent away for a couple of weeks to work on a show in Savannah. I saw Abby twice during those two weeks and I’ve never seen her look so distracted. She was missing marks on the stage, which caused feedback in her earpiece. And the feedback would send her far off pitch. Once Jaxon returned, everything went back to normal. That’s when I decided to pull them both aside and find out what was going on.
Like two kids in the principal’s office, they both hung their heads when I took them backstage to talk. It took a little coaxing, but eventually they admitted that they were seeing each other outside work. I was skeptical at first. I didn’t think it would last more than a month or two. Until I saw what Jaxon and Abby have been planning for tonight’s show. I knew then they must be in love. For Jaxon to help her plan this tribute to Caleb and fo
r Abby to allow him to help her tells me they’ve put a great deal of trust in each other.
The makeup girl finishes powdering Abby’s face, and she slides off the chair and turns to me. “I’m so nervous.”
I step forward and hold my hand out to her. She reaches out and I pull her into a hug. Her arms wrap around my waist and I kiss her forehead.
“You have nothing to be nervous about. Even if you mess up, I’m sure people will be too busy wiping away their tears to notice.” I stroke her hair as I hold her close, reveling in the sensation of her heart beating against my chest. “You ready, princess?”
She shakes her head, so I hold her a while longer until she’s so calm I can no longer feel her heart pounding. When she lets me go, I’m surprised to see her smiling.
She lays a soft kiss on my cheek and shrugs. “I guess it’s showtime.”
I kiss Claire and Caleb, then Abby and I set off through the crowd of crew members scurrying about the grassy field behind the stage. As we approach the steps leading up to the stage, the hum of the crowd gets louder. We stop at the bottom of the stairs and Abby looks around for Jaxon. Within minutes, he comes bounding out of a pack of lighting techs and Abby sighs with relief as she turns to me.
“Good luck, baby.”
“Thanks, Dad.”