by JB Heller
Smiling, I strut to the fridge and pull out a bottle of rosé, quite pleased with this plan as I pour myself a generous glass. After returning the bottle, I reclaim my comfy chair, situated by the largest window in the room. In the summer, it catches the best of the sunlight, but in the winter, like now, the glass frosts up and makes the most intricate little patterns.
Sipping my wine, I sink back into the plush velvet and look around my living room. It’s just one big open area that encompasses my kitchen, a small dining area and lounge. I’ve filled every available surface with either books or plants, and as I sit here I notice small signs of Dax’s presence.
His favorite mug by the coffee machine. A couple of his action thriller books on one of my shelves. His iPad laying haphazardly on the couch where he left it this morning. A small cactus I brought him long ago that I thought was hilarious. On the tiny pot it says, “I’ve met a lot of cacti in my time, but you, sir, are a fucking prick.”
Strangely enough, I don’t mind these little pieces of him in my space. But I wish I did. I know I’m setting myself up for the ultimate heartbreak. It’s my childhood all over again and I feel powerless to stop it.
A heavy weight settles in my gut, and my good mood plummets, just like it always does when I allow my mind to wonder of thoughts of my father.
“Honey, I’m home,” Dax calls after swinging the front door open. He steps into the room, kicks off his shoes, then places them neatly on the rack before turning around to face me. An adorable smile stretches across his face, his eyes alight with genuine happiness, until they meet mine. He frowns and immediately moves toward me. “You okay?”
I don’t even bother attempting to hide my mood from him. Let him see the disaster that is my mental state. “Not really.”
He pulls his messenger bag over his head and drops it on the floor before crossing the room and scooping me into his arms.
“What are you doing?” I demand.
“Making you feel better.” He brushes a kiss to my temple as he strides into my—I mean our bedroom. Once close enough, he tosses me onto the bed then drops down on top of me. His forearms frame my face as he runs the tip of his nose over my cheek. “I hate seeing that haunted look in your eyes,” he murmurs.
A lump forms in my throat, and I try to swallow it down but can’t.
His lips trail a line of gentle kisses from my temple to the corner of my mouth where he pauses. “Two options: I can kiss you better, or we can hug it out.”
A bubble of pained laughter slips from my lips, and he drops his forehead to mine then wraps his strong arms around me and rolls to his side, taking me with him. “I got you, baby,” he whispers. “I got you.”
Tears that have no business messing up my mascara pool in my eyes, and I bury my face in Dax’s shoulder, hiding it from his view. Squeezing my eyes shut, I push the unwelcome waterworks back. I might want him to see that I’m an unlovable headcase, but I don’t need him witnessing the carnage of my emotional breakdowns. That would ruin my badass bitch cred.
Lifting my head, I brace my hands on his chest. “You need to go. Like, right now,” I tell him, attempting to wriggle out of the vise-like grip of his arms caged around me.
He tightens his hold. “Fuck no. I’m not going anywhere. I want this, Ads, don’t you get that? The good, the bad, the ugly… I want it all with you. Now, stop being difficult and let me love you, damn it.”
Jesus in the freaking manger, what is it with this guy? Every time I push, he just comes back harder.
Huffing out an annoyed breath, I focus on my anger instead of my pain. “I’m serious, let go of me. I don’t want to look at you right now.”
The hurt that flashes across his face hits me like a punch in the gut. I don’t like hurting him, but it’s him or me, and I need to protect myself.
His jaw tenses, and he shakes his head. “Not happening. Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours? What was wrong when I got home?”
I arch a brow. “Right now, I want you out of my face. And when you got home, it was the same damn thing. I don’t want you here. You’ve put me in a position that’s messing with my head. You are messing with my head. I was just fine with how things were before, then you had to go fuck it all up.”
He rolls us until he’s once again hovering over me, this time pinning my arms above my head as he leans down so close his nose is pressing into mine. “Why is it always about you and what you want, huh? You were happy with how things were, but I wasn’t, and you knew that. But fuck me, right? What I want is irrelevant as long as Adley gets what she wants,” he snarls.
“Yeah, so?” I spit back. “No one has ever given a shit about my wants and needs except me. So why shouldn’t I put myself first? It’s about time someone did.”
Dax says nothing, his gaze penetrating my soul as he weighs my words. Slowly, he lifts his face away, still keeping our eyes locked as he says, “I think it’s past time we talk about what has you trying so desperately to protect yourself from me.”
I was not expecting that response. Like, at all. So, in place of a lie or more venom seeping from my tongue, the damn truth comes out instead. Like a rush of water on a stupid waterslide. And I’ve no power to stop it. “My father had another family. Mom and me, we were the second family he kept hidden from the rest of his life. And when I was twelve and Mom got sick and asked him to cut back on his work trips… Let’s just say the perfect life I thought I had, came tumbling down around me.” I squirm to break away from him, but he hold firm.
“You know who looked after Mom when the cancer treatment was eating away at her insides? Me. And where was he? Off playing house with his real family. Mom might have beaten the cancer, but she died on the inside.” I smile bitterly, shaking my head at the memory. “She still loved the lying bastard though, never turned him away when he showed up at our door, and never asked about his other family. Not even once. She turned into the shell of a person just so long as she could have a piece of him whenever he felt like throwing her some scraps.”
I grit my teeth, nostrils flaring as I blink away angry tears. “I refuse to live like that. To let someone pull the wool over my eyes so thoroughly that I lose all sense of self. Fuck. That.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I pant and desperately suck air into my burning lungs burn, my throat constricting painfully.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Rage pulses in my veins as Adley pours her heart out, laying herself bare to me for the first time ever. How could he do that to her? To her mother? To his other family? What kind of asshole does this shit?
I have no idea what to say to her. Ads is the strongest woman I know, and now I know why.
Releasing her hands where I’ve pinned them above her head on the mattress, I shift my weight off her and slide onto my side. Cupping her jaw, I swipe the pad of my thumb under her eyes, wiping away her tears.
“I am so fucking sorry, baby,” I murmur. Not only for what she went through, but because there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I can’t fix this. I can’t do shit.
Her chest heaves as she sucks down air like a starving person would food, so I curl around her, drawing her into my body and lie with her in silence. I don’t know how long it takes for her to calm enough for her breathing to slow.
Eventually, she shifts a little, her small hands carding through my thick hair as she softly asks, “Now that you know, does it make you feel better?”
“No,” I admit, feeling too many things to process them all at once. I’m furious at her piece of shit father. I don’t think I’ve ever resented a person more. And her mother… I’m conflicted on that front. I’m disgusted she didn’t kick his ass to the curb when she found out what he was about. But to be battling cancer at the time, I mean, she should get some slack for that, right?
Fuck. I don’t know what to think or feel. Adley has had to live with this as her reality since she was just a little girl. It all makes sense now. The walls she keeps between us. The host
ility whenever I get too close. Her resistance to being in a committed relationship.
“I understand now,” I tell her. “I wish you’d told me before, but I get why you didn’t.”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever told,” she whispers.
My head snaps up so I can look at her. “What about Tia?”
She shakes her head, a sad smile tipping her lips. “Going to your place when we were kids provided me with a sense of normality I craved too desperately to let my truth get in the way. I couldn’t risk changing anything by telling her. I know she would have held me and taken on my pain, as if it were her own. But I didn’t want that.”
“Jesus,” I swear under my breath. “You’ve carried this on your own for all these years. How?”
“It was the only way I knew.” She shrugs, as if it’s no big deal.
But it is. It’s a huge fucking thing to have to shoulder at any point in life, let alone when you’re twelve years old and your mother has just been diagnosed with cancer.
I stroke the side of her face, falling deeper in love with her by the second. “You don’t have to do it alone anymore. Let me take some of the burden. Please, Ads. I swear on my life I will never hurt you like that.”
She swallows and rolls her head to the side, taking her beautiful big brown eyes away from me. “I can’t. I don’t know how.”
I want to push, but I know now is not the time. She’s emotionally spent, and she already given me more than she ever has before. So, I let it go, for now. It’s clear I need to step up my game if I’m going to heal the wounds of her past and build a future with her.
At least now I know what I’m dealing with. And that is a gift in and of itself. One I plan to use.
After my confession, I’m beyond exhausted. I haven’t let my emotions get the better of me for a long time. Years, maybe. But it felt good, letting it all out.
I let my eyes fall closed for just a moment, to recharge. Dax’s warm body wrapped around me, holding me together fills me with a sense of wholeness I haven’t felt before. So, I give myself just a few minutes to enjoy it, then I’ll get up and get ready for work.
When I blink my eyes open, it’s dark outside. The only light in the room is the glow from under the bathroom door, and I’m wrapped up in my blanket like a burrito. I shuffle around to see the clock on my nightstand and launch off the bed. Holy shit, I’m so late!
In my haste, I trip on the blanket burrito and face-plant. Growling, I push myself up and kick my legs, trying to get out of the stupid blanket.
“Whoa there,” Dax says, appearing in the bathroom doorway, completely naked.
And dripping wet…
I about swallow my damn tongue.
He rushes over to me, his willy slapping between his thighs, making a wet thwacking sound. I burst out laughing as he comes to a stop above me, his wet willy kinda staring at me.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, bending over to help untangle me.
I can’t even get words to leave my lips, I’m laughing so hard. I think I’m having an emotional breakdown. This situation isn’t really as funny as my brain seems to think it is.
Dax frowns, abandoning his efforts to free me from my cocoon, instead deciding to stand above me, hands gripping his defined hip bones. I abruptly stop laughing. He’s so freaking hot. Why? Why does he have to be so hot?
He tilts his head, examining me with a quizzical look. Then the bastard licks his damn lips, and I can’t take it anymore.
“Help me up,” I demand.
“Alright, alright,” he says, grinning as he grabs the edge of the blanket with both hands and yanks, causing me to roll out.
Once free, I get to my feet and run my hands over my crinkled clothes. “Thank you.” I go to step around him when what I really want to do is lick every single drop of water off his sculpted body. But I have to go to work. Ugh.
“Not so fast. Where do you think you’re going?” Dax throws out a hand, then wraps it around my waist, effectively stopping me in my tracks.
“I’m late for work. I need to call the girls and let them know I’m coming.”
A mischievous grin curls his delectable mouth, and he slowly shakes his head. “I took care of it; you’ve got the night off. Janessa has it all under control.”
I gape at him. “But I—”
He dips his head, capturing my lips in a toe-curling kiss. “No buts,” he murmurs, then plunges his tongue into my mouth, and I’m lost.
My hands come up to fist in his damp hair, and I moan as he lifts me without breaking the kiss. He walks us back toward the bed, spins at the edge, and sets me on my feet before divesting me of my clothing. His palms skate over my body as his gaze burns into me. “You’re all mine tonight,” he murmurs just before his lips seal over mine once again.
I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms round his neck and pushing to the tips of my toes to get as close as I possibly can. His strong hands lock around the backs of my thighs as he picks me up again, slowly dragging my body up his.
A shiver races through me at the delicious feel of his cock nestled between my folds, so I wrap my legs around his hips and grind against him, grinning when he rips his mouth away from mine with a deep groan. He delivers a sharp, punishing slap to my ass, and I revel in the burn.
In one swift movement he turns, and suddenly we’re on the bed. His devilish smirk warms me from the inside out, and I return it with glee. “You going to stare at me all night or actually make a move?” I taunt.
“Oh, so our current position doesn’t tell you what’s about to go down?” His smirk still in place, he rolls his hips, dragging his length back and forth over my sensitive flesh.
I cock an eyebrow. “Quit playing and get to the good part already.”
Without warning, he shifts off me, leaving me bereft of his warmth. But before I can complain, he flips around, bringing his mouth down and over my clit, sucking it between his lips.
“Oh shit,” I whimper as he goes to town eating me out like a champion. His knees sink into the mattress by my side, and I slap at the outside of his closest thigh. “My turn,” I say, tugging his leg until he obeys and lifts it over my head, putting us into a sixty-nine position.
I don’t waste anytime taking hold of his shaft and bringing it to my eager lips as I circle my tongue around his crown. His hips flex forward, and I take the opportunity to suck him down my throat.
He stops feasting on me to sink his teeth into my inner thigh. “Fuck your mouth feels so good.”
If I could smile around his dick, I would. His approval when we’re screwing around does something unexplainable to me, and I can’t get enough of it. I suck him harder and deeper until he buries his face in my pussy again and does this thing with his tongue that causes my mind to blank out. Then he slides a finger inside me, going straight for my G-spot, and I throw my head back as my orgasm crashes over me.
Dax laps at my release, then shift his position until we’re facing each other once again. He brushes his mouth over mine, then slides his tongue between my parted lips, letting me taste myself on him.
Breaking the kiss, he reaches to the side table, opens the top drawer, and retrieves a condom. “I can’t wait for the day I can throw these things away and feel you bare,” he says, then rips the packet open with his teeth and rolls the latex down his rock-hard shaft.
I’ve never even considered the thought of going bare with anyone, ever. Would it even feel any different?
He takes my silence as rejection because he frowns and shakes his head. “Forget I said anything,” he mutters, coming to lie atop of me again.
“I didn’t say no,” I tell him, taking his stubbled cheeks in my palms. “I’ve just never thought about it before.”
He arches a brow. “You haven’t?”
“Why would I?”
His stare boars into me, and I know his mind has gone to what I told him this afternoon. And that’s the absolute last place I want him, especially right now. So, I t
ug his face down as I hook a leg around his hip, shoving up as I do, effectively reversing our positions.
Now, I have him where I want him. Rising up on my knees, I take his length in one hand and place my other on his chest for balance as I slowly impale myself on his glorious dick. I close my eyes, loving the slight burn as my body stretches to accommodate him.
Not one to let go of the control for long, Dax wraps a hand around the back of my neck, tugging me down until my tits are pressed into his hard chest. He then takes over, planting his feet flat on the bed and gripping my hip with his free hand. The feral, possessive look in his eyes is everything as he fucks up into me in long, deep thrusts that make me dizzy with desire.
His fingers tighten on my neck as our bodies slide and slam together over and over again. Sweat dampens our skin. Moans of pleasure and the sounds of flesh against flesh fill the room as we lose ourselves to the overwhelming pleasure that builds and builds and builds…
“Dax, I’m. So. Close.” I pant. “Don’t stop.”
“Never,” he promises. His lips claim mine in a fierce kiss that steals yet another piece of my heart, and I come undone.
Dax rolls us until I’m flat on my back, still in a daze as he slows things down, rolling his hips in a hypnotic rhythm while brushing sweet kisses along my throat and collarbones. “You’re never more beautiful than right after you come,” he tells me, lifting his head to stare into my eyes.
Against my will, a blush creeps up my neck at his words. I don’t know how to respond, so I don’t, instead sliding my hands into his hair and lifting my lips in offer. He smiles one of his heart stopping smiles then kisses me.
It’s moments like this that I wish I wasn’t so broken inside. That I wish I could just blindly trust that he will never hurt me. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to do that. I’ve been on guard for so long; it’s my default setting now.