“So, are you going to tell me?” Sigrid asked as she placed a cloth over her shoulder and gently patted the baby’s back.
“Tell you what?”
“Whatever is going on between you and Drake.”
Confused, I shook my head then took a sip of the orange juice. Drinking it down I tried to figure out what she meant. She was always so very perceptive and yes things had been a little awkward after the birth, but… “What do you mean?”
“Something has changed,” she said as if that explained everything. I raised my eyebrows imploring her to elaborate. “A couple of weeks ago you two couldn’t keep your hands off each other, and now he’s barely here, isn’t he?”
I bit my trembling lip. “The business needs him,” I replied, excusing his behaviour.
“That’s never stopped him from coming home before though has it?”
I shrugged not wanting to pursue the topic anymore. In a matter of a few days we’d become distant; I didn’t want to think about it. Perhaps he was bored of me, and after birthing his child he no longer could bear the sight of me. And who could blame him? I was a wreck. I wasn’t myself.
“Okay, I get you don’t want to talk about it. You can tell me though; whatever you’re thinking. There will be no judgement from me.”
“Not now, Sigrid.”
“Fair enough.” She drifted away into the living room and placed the baby in a crib that had been set up in there. I couldn’t remember picking it out or it being built. It must’ve been new. Sigrid re-joined me back in the kitchen. She leaned down, her elbows pressed upon the island counter, looking in my direction. “So, what do you fancy doing today? This morning a courier dropped off some files from the nanny agencies. We could go through them together if you like? Find a good one to help out a bit.”
“I don’t need a nanny—”
“Vi…”
“I don’t,” I said forcing a weak smile, “not when I have you.”
She righted herself and returned the smile. I could see the cogs behind her eyes turning, knew she was on the verge of saying something to contradict me, but she merely replied, “For now.”
“I know, I know; you probably have your hands full with the party business I lumbered you with, too. But Sigrid, I don’t think I can trust anyone else.” My throat thickened and I willed it to go away. It felt like every moment I was on the verge of breaking down, disappearing in a pool of tears.
She scooted around the counter and wrapped her arms around me. “Whatever you need,” she whispered.
Chapter Five
“Vi?”
My eyes flickered open. The room had descended into darkness. I’d fallen asleep again. It seemed that was all I was good for; I could sleep for England if they’d let me. The door creaked and opened wider. A figure, silhouetted from behind, stood half in and half out of the room. The light from the hallway pooled at his feet. I knew instinctively it was Drake.
“Are you awake?” he whispered.
So much for getting home early. I cast my eye to the closed curtains. Not a shred of a light came through around the edges. It must’ve been very late or…
I cleared my groggy throat. “Drake?”
“Yes, it’s me. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have woken you.”
“That’s okay.” A small rush of panic jolted my heart. My body caught up to my mind as I wondered why he woke me. “Is everything all right? The baby?”
“He’s fine, darling. I just missed you,” he replied in a low, dull tone, as if the very hour made him wish to be quiet.
I moved to a semi-sitting position. The bulky pillows allowed me to sit at a slight angle and Drake came closer and took my hand in his.
“I miss you, too. Where have you been? You said you would be back earlier today.” I regretted my words as soon as they were out of my mouth, but I couldn’t backpedal in time.
“Please don’t start, Vi. I got back as soon as I could.”
I held my breath, and my tongue. But it didn’t last long. If only he’d just apologised, said he was sorry for not keeping his word, then I would’ve let it go. He’d said he would be back, he said we’d take the time we needed as a family; to name our newborn son. He’d failed to do that. It was as if his business was becoming the number one priority in his life. Everything was changing and I felt an immense weight upon me. Like I was about to be squashed by all the pain that was starting to crash down on me.
“It wasn’t soon enough,” I said coldly and took my hand back. I lay my hands in my lap. Drake didn’t attempt to take them again.
“There’s no point talking to you if you’re going to be like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like everything is my fault.”
“Well in this case it is, Drake. You said you would be home so we could name our son and you failed to turn up.” I paused and caught my breath. I was hot with rage, the blankets were suffocating me. I was glad he hadn’t turned the lights on but I knew he could sense how angry I was with him. He stayed silent, either thinking of an excuse or waiting for the bluster to go out of my sails. “It’s like you don’t even want him… or us.”
“Now you’re just talking stupid.”
I wanted to yell and scream and tell him to get out. And yet the need to have him near me took over. At least he was here now, I tried to tell myself. I bowed my head and looked at my hands in the gloom.
He slowly eased himself down onto the bed. Sitting on the edge. Feet still on the floor and his weight making the mattress dip slightly at the bottom. We sat in silence for a moment and he placed his hand on the top of my calf through the covers.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better, okay?”
I nodded, hoping he couldn’t see the tears streaming down my face.
“How did today go though? Did you go through the applications? Find anyone good?” he said all this slowly with a hint of optimism. He was trying to change the subject, get us off a back track, but he merely put us another another rocky one.
“I put them in the bin.”
“What? Why?”
I sucked in a lungful of air and he waited. His hand was gone from my leg. I missed its warmth. Even that small bit of contact had given me hope. But now it was gone.
“I told you before. I don’t want anyone else looking after my kids. Sigrid will help while I get my strength back.”
“You can’t expect her to stay forever, Vi,” he said as I’d said the most ludicrous thing in the world.
“Then maybe you should take some time off? Maybe you should stay in her place then?” The room went silent, as if all the air had been sucked out.
“You know I can’t do that… as much as I want to.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
His figure moved, his hands went up to his shadowed face and kneaded his temples. “Vi, we both knew this month would be difficult. I thought everything would be tied up at work before the baby came… but then things happened and changed everything. You knew this. I took off all the time I could when you were in the hospital.”
“But I need you now. Right now. I need you to be here. I need you to put us first.”
He scooted closer and took my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “I will always put you first.” He leaned in for a kiss but I foolishly pulled away. He was lying. Trying to calm me with false sentiments. We both knew what came first and would always be his top priority, and that would be his company and his billions.
Drake sighed and dropped his hands. “I don’t know what else I can say anymore. I’m trying.”
“Not hard enough,” I muttered under my breath. “Stay the whole day tomorrow. Stay with me and your children and maybe then I’ll begin to believe you.”
“I—”
“God help me, if an another excuse or lie slips from your lips I will scream this place down!”
He stood abruptly, his hands went to his head as if it pained him. “I can’t be in here with you right now,” he said through clen
ched teeth. Slowly he backed away and disappeared through the door, shutting it behind him, and plummeting me once again in full on darkness.
I sat motionless for a few minutes wondering if he was on the other side of the door, wishing he would come back in and we could redo the whole conversation over again. The house was deadly quiet, even the sounds from the city below were muted. But as my ears adjusted to the stillness I began to pick up voices. Two of them. One was female, the other was rough and low—Drake’s.
Being as careful as I could I eased myself off the bed. My bare feet touched the soft, plush threads of the carpet, bouncy beneath the soles of my feet. Slowly I tested my strength and found my legs were going to support me, but just. I made my way to the bedroom door, stopping every couple of steps to make sure I wasn’t hearing things, but the voices were still there. No doubt reverberating down the hallway, then slipping under the bottom of the door and into the air of my bedroom.
My hand clasped the handle and twisted it in tiny increments, little movements until I felt the door part from its frame. The voices were louder now, but still hushed. I guess they were coming from the living room, and dared to open the door wider.
As I silently moved down the hallway, hidden by the shadows, a sense of déjà vu crept slowly over my body. Cold, fresher air sent the little hairs on the back of my neck into a frenzy.
Drake and Sigrid were sitting on the white leather couch together. They were close, their thighs in contact with each other’s. Drake was leaning forward, his elbows upon his knees and a tumbler clamped in his hand. Sigrid beside him was rubbing his back.
“I don’t know what to do for the best, you know?” Drake said. “This is not what I signed up for. It’s like there’s a stranger living in my house.”
“You have to do what you think is best, and you know I’ll be there to help. Always.”
Drake took a sip from his glass and nodded. “Seriously, I know I’ve said it so many times these past few days but I don’t know how I would be still standing if it weren’t for you. Thank you.”
Sigrid’s perfect mouth lifted into a smile. Drake turned to her and returned it, then pulled her into a hug.
I stood watching, unable to speak, unable to shout. Rigid and unable to even fucking move as they embraced. It seemed to go on for an age; locked together with their arms wrapped around each other.
Finally Drake began to loosen his arms and pull back his head. My stomach twisted. I felt like I was going to be sick; they were about to kiss. All my previous inability to move was lifted and I turned my head, not wanting to see, and back away as fast as my weak legs could take me.
Chapter Six
The next few days all seemed to blend into one as I worked through what I had seen. I was like a zombie, only able to shuffle around the apartment slowly, but also one who was in a state of shock. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if my brain was a computer and every time I tried to feed it the information—of Drake and Sigrid being intimate—it just rejected it.
But my eyes didn’t lie. They saw exactly what they saw. Hugging. Leaning in for a kiss. For hours afterwards, during a sleepless night, I lay awake debating with myself, going back and forth. I was imagining things, it couldn’t have been real. Could it?
Slowly as the days passed, the disbelief and denial turned naturally to guilt. I’d brought it on myself. Was it really any wonder that Drake had let his eye wander when I looked the way I did, acted the way I did?
It was my fault.
All of it.
There was no way around it. Everything about the incident, as I was now calling it, was down to me. If only I hadn’t pushed him away, nagged at him like an old-fashioned wife. I should’ve given him a chance, perhaps he was hurting, too?
But just as those emotions occupied my thoughts constantly they were soon replaced by a swift and almost unbelievable rage. I started to watch them both like hawks, waiting for them to slip up. I needed to catch them in the act. I knew what they were doing and I wasn’t going to let them get away with it.
“Vi, are you okay? You’re staring at me,” Sigrid asked as she navigated her way through the living room with the baby, successfully dodging scattered toys that Leah had been playing with earlier.
“What? Yes, sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t really sorry. I wanted to know how she could do something so horrid and have the audacity to keep up the pretence of being my friend. For her to continue looking after my children all the while she was having it on with my husband. A revelation struck me, and I thought I was going to be sick. They were probably fucking each other in our bed, the door closed and with me only a few doors down the hall. I would never have known. I was always too exhausted to stay awake to see that Sigrid had left the apartment after Drake returned. She was probably staying over… at night it would always be just the two of them. Alone.
But I was determined that night would be different. I’d managed to force myself asleep earlier on in the afternoon, and had gotten a couple of hours rest. That would enable me to stay up until Drake returned home and Sigrid left.
If she ever did leave.
At some point she must’ve, she never wore the same clothes in a row. But that didn’t mean anything. Not really. There could be a suitcase full of her things somewhere in the vast apartment. Above head-height, perhaps. Somewhere where I couldn’t physically reach, not without tearing my stitches.
“You’re still doing it.”
“Don’t mean to,” I quickly replied and forced myself to look away.
“Do you want to take him? He’s all fed, burped, and changed.”
She was holding her arms outstretched, offering him to me. I should’ve been excited to spend some time with my boy, but instead dread spread within my whole body. It started in my stomach, a cold, heavy feeling. It then slowly worked its way outward, never diffusing. As it travelled to every inch of me, filling and consuming me, the feeling became even more concentrated.
“Vi?”
“Of course,” I said, trying to force an enthusiastic smile. I failed miserably. It must’ve looked like a grimace.
“You’re not in any pain are you? Just let me know and I’ll get your medication. Or if he’s too heavy…”
For a moment of insanity I wondered what type of pain to which she was referring. The pain of a broken heart? The pain of finding out one had been betrayed?
I shook my head then looked down at my son. I stayed silent watching him, holding my breath, waiting for the inevitable moment when he realised he was in the wrong hands. His sleepy eyes tried to focus up at me and for a second I began to hope that maybe this time—just once, please—that he wouldn’t start his imitation of a police siren.
He seemed to take his time thinking about it. His mouth opening and closing as if he were testing and making sure that everything was in working order before starting his assault.
With my arms wrapped around him, I tried to hold him closer to reassure him everything was okay. That everything would be okay.
He didn’t think too much of that sentiment and began to cry.
Rocking him did nothing, and I couldn’t move much anyway, couldn’t get the right angle to swing him properly without my midsection feeling like it was snagged on something. I tried shushing him, at one point I even tried singing to him. But I could only imagine that made him more upset with the situation. My singing voice would cause cats to run for cover.
“He’s being a grumpy boy again, isn’t he?” Sigrid said and she scooted closer to us on the couch.
“Do you have his dummy?” I asked helplessly.
“Yes, hold on. It’s around here somewhere.”
She left my side, thankfully. What with the baby crying, battering my eardrums, and her next to me, making me feel incompetent, I felt like I was a pressurised canister ready to explode.
Within a few seconds she was back. She didn’t sit, but stood hovering over me and then handed over the dummy. I moved my concentration back to the baby. His p
oor little cheeks were red and he doing his very best to show me how big his lungs were. The dummy was useless. He wanted nothing to do with it. Every time I tried to offer it to him he forced it out of his mouth again.
Over the cries the lift dinged and for a split-second a wash of relief crashed over me. Drake was home. Everything was going to be okay once he was home with us. But then the memory of what I’d witnessed the other night came flooding back, wiping away the relief as it were never there.
“I could hear him all the way from the third floor in the lift!” he said over the cries.
Sigrid half turned her body toward him as Drake entered the living room. She smiled first but then her eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch, and so did her shoulders. A shrug, barely perceivable. But one that said a thousand words. One that meant him crying had nothing to do with her, that it wasn’t her fault. Meaning it was someone else’s doing. Mine.
“Leah was never this fussy,” he said with an easy-going tone trying to make light of the situation. But I saw through his act. “I guess that just means girls are better, huh?”
“You know we are,” Sigrid answered playfully her hand going to his arm. A simple gesture and yet for every second that she held onto my husband’s upper arm I wanted to scream and tell her to keep her hands to herself.
“He’s not impressed with that dummy is he? Want me to give it a try, Vi?”
Drake in his handsome suit sat down beside me, his head leaning over to see the baby’s face, his arms outstretched. I gave up the baby, handed him over and let my hands fall into my lap. Useless appendages, I thought bitterly. If they couldn’t comfort my own child then what fucking good were they?
“Have you missed your Daddy? Have you? Is that what all this crying is about?” Drake rocked him and continued to talk to him as if the baby could understand and soon enough the cries diminished. The violent echoes that had been bouncing around the large room eased off and then disappeared.
Loving my Billionaire Stepbrother's Baby Page 4