by Cindy Miles
By the time we pulled up into the already-jammed yard full of vehicles at the Sigma Chi house, my nerves were fried. My gaze scoured the parked cars. I didn’t see Cory’s Camaro. I didn’t see Brax’s bike. And part of me felt relieved. God, I was so confused; I didn’t know what to do. And it was driving me insane.
Halloween night proved to be classic; full moon, dark clear skies, and the temperature had dropped to the mid-fifties. I shivered as we climbed from the Rover, my arms and legs bared to the elements. Orange and black lights had been strung from the front porch; all manner of monsters and zombies and slutty costumes littered the lawn, and laughter cracked the otherwise still night.
“Come on, chica,” Tessa said, and looped her arm through mine. She tugged me along as we hurried across the lawn to the front porch, and I pressed against her as we entered the house. Metallica blared from the surround sound, and it was literally wall-to-wall with people. Tessa scoured the crowded room, then looked at me. “Over there!” she hollered. “Let’s go!”
In a line, Tessa, Marcie, and Kelly, with me sandwiched between Tess and Marcie, wormed our way over to the far wall facing a small cleared area where a make-shift stage and mic stood. The noise deafened me: laughter, music, loud conversation. Couples dancing, making out. It was like a scene from an old eighties college slasher movie.
“Okay, Kelly, let’s go get drinks,” Tessa yelled. “You guys hold our place!”
Marcie and I watched the girls weave through the crowd until they disappeared.
“This is so wild!” Marcie hollered happily. “Oh my god!”
I laughed and shook my head, not nearly as enthused as Marcie with the party environment, and involuntarily I began to search the party-goers for Brax. Death—literally, someone garbed in a Death costume—made his way through, goosing females with his foam sickle. I prayed he stayed far away from us. Still, my eyes explored, and it was so hard to distinguish people. How would I ever find him? How stupid was I? I’d dressed up so he wouldn’t recognize me. Didn’t I for one second think he’d be difficult to find, too? Lord.
A disco ball twirled from the ceiling, and flickers of light darted through the semi-darkness, and it was then someone took the stage—which was nothing more than than a few stacked pallets. A spotlight swung toward himHe was dressed in a full-suited black tuxedo and his face was painted in black and white, like a skeleton. He cleared his throat and banged his hand against the mic, and the music lowered.
“Ooh, this must be the costume contest I heard about!” Marcie leaned close and said loudly. “Epic!”
“Excuse me, assholes, could you all please shut the ever-living hell up? I have an announcement.” The chatter lowered, too. “Why, thank you. Now, as you might have heard, the typically fucktabulous Jenks failed miserably at what most would’ve considered an easy task. But then again, he’s a Kappa, not a Sigma.” He shielded his eyes against the spotlight, searching the crowd. Jenks, if you’re out there, you sadden me, bro. And here we all had applauded you for completing your Kappa Phi Dare before time was up. Instead, you were duped, which is really kind of embarrassing, given your rep, man.” He shook his head. “Goddammit is all I can say, my friend. Godfuckingdammit.”
Boos filled the room. Dare? I looked at Marcie, who shrugged, and my eyes went back to the skeleton at the mic. What was he talking about? My eyes scanned the crowd, searching for Brax. I didn’t see him in the throng of partiers filling the room. It was then I noticed a few other guys dressed in tuxes with skull face paint. What the hell?
Just then, Tessa knocked into me and grabbed my arm. Her eyes were wide, filled with worry. “Olivia, we have to go. Now.” She began to pull me.
“No, Tess, wait—”
“Olivia!” Tessa said. “Brax—oh my god, it was all a hoax!” She tugged harder. “I’ll explain later. Come on!” I resisted, though, my eyes still searching for Brax.
The skeleton speaker continued. “So since Jenks nailed the poor little self-proclaimed virgin cowgirl, only to find out she’s the Gutter Fuck—remember that live feed, guys?” The crowd roared, and the skeleton laughed, and my stomach dropped to my feet as realization slowly penetrated my frozen brain. “We had to challenge a Sigma Chi brother to a new task.” He scanned the crowd again. “Bro, if you’re out there, you’re disqualified!”
“Olivia, dammit, please!” Tessa yanked hard on my arm, but I stood my ground. More boos filled the air, and a girl approached the skeleton speaker and said something in his ear. He then looked in my direction, then directly at me, and then I noticed Kelsy standing beside the girl. He draped his arm over her and grinned.
“Oh, fuck me, will you look over there!” the skeleton yelled. The spotlight swung toward me, and I squinted at its blinding brightness.
“Oh, shit,” Tessa growled.
The guy laughed and pointed with his mic. “Now that’s a good sport right there, guys. Cowgirl, you lost your cherry a long time ago, but you got one big set of balls, darlin’! Gutter fuck? You look like an angel to me! You busy next weekend—ugh!”
The skeleton went down as Brax lunged out of nowhere, swung, and made the guy’s head jerk sideways with a forceful fist to the jaw. Brax wasn’t in any sort of costume like the other fraternity brothers. He was in jeans and a tee shirt. The crowd erupted, the light swung off of me and onto the two frat brothers. A sea of partiers closed in around them as they fought, and I could no longer see Brax. Only his fist as he raised it, smashed it back down.
The words sunk in as the crowd erupted into cheers. My head swam, and everything around me blurred. Poor little unsuspecting self-proclaimed virgin cowgirl. I was Brax’s dare. Bang ’em and leave ’em. From that very first day, Brax had lied. No wonder he’d taken off and left me. My gaze then lifted and Brax had left the fighting circle and was there, staring dead at me, not two feet away, his chest rising and falling harshly with heavy breaths. I felt frozen, unable to move and cold as ice inside. Unable to breathe. Those haunting blue eyes of his stared hard at me, unreadable, frightening. In the next second, Tessa shoved him and began guiding me toward the door. People knocked into me, my body jerked, but I didn’t really feel anything. Suddenly, I felt as though I was trapped, caged in an airless box, and I yanked my arm from Tessa and pushed through the crowd. Behind me, above the laughter and humiliating chanting of gutter fuck, I heard Brax’s frantic, guttural yell.
“Gracie! Stop!”
I didn’t stop, though, and when I hit the front door the chilly night air slapped my bare arms and legs as I rushed onto the porch, past other partiers and down the steps onto the lawn. I ran, best I could in Tessa’s heels, those gauzy little angel wings flapping at my shoulders, until a force stopped me in my tracks. Steel fingers wrapped around my wrist, my body spun around. Brax stood there, his strong hand holding onto me, his face contorted into fury and pain.
“Gracie, Jesus, I’m so fucking sorry. You don’t know the whole story.” He stepped toward me, not letting go of my hand, his voice edgy. “I tried to stop it, swear to God. Please. Just hear me out.”
Brax’s words hit me like a solid punch to the gut. Shock and anger that he’d been a part of such a low prank churned inside of me, turned to hurt, more humiliation. He’d known about it all along. I’d come to this stupid Halloween Blitz to approach Brax, to find out the truth, and the weight of his deception pressed heavy and suffocating against my chest.
I was sick of being a door mat. The butt of jokes. Of being disgraced. Of giving my trust and having it yanked away.
Every raw emotion within me collided, and without another thought, I closed my free fist tight, reared my arm back and swung as hard as I could. My knuckles connected with Brax’s steel-boned jaw, and his head snapped back in surprise. My hand exploded into white-hot pain, but I didn’t care. I didn’t give a damn, not anymore, and tears free-fell down my cheeks as I leveled my angered gaze to Brax’s.
“You can shove your lame apologies!” My voice held even, steady, belying just how rat
tled I truly was.
“Jesus, Gracie, your hand!” He reached for it, and I pulled back.
I turned, tried to run, and he caught me, pulled me hard against him. The heat from his body seeped through the gauzy material of the dress I wore and clung to my skin, and part of me still wanted to lean on him, melt into him. I wanted all of this to be wrong, a big mistake. I wanted it to have never happened at all. But it had. And I’d been had. Again.
He shook me. “It’s not what you think! Listen, dammit!” Brax pleaded. His fingers dug into my shoulders as he steadied me, anchored me to the spot of grass I stood in.
“No! You listen!” I said, shrugging out of his grip. From my peripheral I noticed people from the party passing slowly by, as they walked in and out of the Sigma house, watching our argument. Tessa stood there, too, waiting. Maybe I’d end up on YouTube again, and they’d all get some satisfaction from one more public humiliation out of me. It’d be the very last. I cradled the throbbing hand I’d punched him with. “I trusted you, Brax. I believed everything you’d said, despite my hesitation. Despite your thuggish looks, I never believed the rumors.” More tears burned my eyes, and I could do nothing more than shake my head and laugh. “God, was I so wrong about you. You’re no man. Just a stupid boy with no goddamn sense.” My voice caught then. Breathe.
“You weren’t wrong about me.” he growled, scrubbed his face with his hand. “This is fucked up, was taken way too far and you’ve gotta hear me out—”
“I don’t have to do anything.” Somewhere deep inside of me, I found a shred of courage. A little more self respect. I stepped closer to him, tilted my head, ignored the hurt I saw in his crystal eyes that matched the deep ache in my heart. “Just pretend you never met me, Brax.” I cocked my head, studied him. “Leave. Me. Alone.” I turned and began to walk away, but he once more followed me, grasped my uninjured wrist and swung me around to face him. The panicky pain I saw etched into his features made me flinch.
“I tried, Gracie. But I just fucking can’t.”
He’d tried? What did that even mean? Confusion spiked through my brain but I held eye contact, as hard as it was to do that, and yanked free of his grasp. “My name’s not Gracie.” The cold, flat finality that resonated in my voice surprised me. From the ashen look on Brax’s face, it’d surprised him even more.
“Olivia, are you okay here?”
Noah Hicks’ voice sounded behind me, and he eased his body in front of mine, mostly blocking Brax from my view. “Walk away, man. You don’t need to make things worse.” Noah’s shoulders stiffened as he addressed Brax.
Brax said nothing, pushed his fingertips into his eye sockets, then locked his fingers behind his neck. “Fuck!” he swore under his breath.
Then he charged Noah and the two went down fighting. Noah was athletic, but no match for Brax. Noah grunted as Brax’s knuckles connected to his jaw. “Brax, stop it!” I yelled. “Stop!”
Brax was like a rabid dog, taking his frustrations out on Noah fist over fist. Cory’s big frame pushed forward and he pulled Brax off. “Whoa, man, take it easy, take it easy.”
Noah rolled up from the ground and took my hand. “Come on,” he said. “I’ll get you out of here.”
“You won’t fucking take her anywhere!” Brax fought to break Cory’s hold—and almost did. Although Cory was a big guy, the strain was evident in his face as he struggled to contain Brax. Finally, he did, pinning his arms behind him and holding him tightly against him in a backwards bear hug. “I can’t hold him forever,” Cory said to Noah. He cocked his head. “Get outta here.”
I looked once more at Brax’s face. His eyes. Silently, they pleaded with me. Begged me for something, some unknown thing. Noah draped his arm over my shoulder, and I turned away.
“Gracie, wait. Please, just listen to me. Hear me out. Let me the fuck go, man! Gracie!”
I didn’t look back as Noah guided me to his Mustang parked along the walkway. He opened the passenger side door and I climbed in. Just as he slammed the door shut, I heard Brax’s tortured cry as he called my name, cutting through the chilled night air, and it struck me in the gut. Something about all of this felt so damn wrong. All of it. None of it. Everything. I tried not to look, tried not to torment myself by seeking Brax out, but I couldn’t help it. He was there, still held captive by his best friend.
Behind Brax and Cory stood Kelsy Evans, his arm draped over some girl dressed as a seductive nurse. Even under the shade of darkness, I saw his stupid grin of victory.
I closed my eyes.
As Noah pulled away, I glanced at his face. With a busted lip and a swollen eye, he stared straight ahead and maneuvered his car away from the Sigma house.
“Thanks,” I offered. “I’m … sorry for all the drama. I’m sorry you were hurt. This—it’s not who I am, Noah. It seems to follow me.”
He looked at me, a fast glance, then returned his stare to the road. “It’s okay. And I know this isn’t you, Olivia.” He reached over and patted my knee, then returned his hand to the wheel. His hair was messy from the tussle with Brax, and his tee shirt was torn at the collar. “It’ll all blow over.” He gave a grin, then winced at the cut on his lip. “It always does.”
We talked for a while, just driving around, until finally, Noah took me back to the dorm. He walked me to the entrance. “If you ever need me, Olivia, just call.” He smiled, and it was genuine and unthreatening. With his hand he straightened my crooked fairy wing. “I mean it.”
“I will. Thanks, Noah.”
I watched him drive off and, despite all that had happened, the humiliation, the hurt, the shit, my eyes darted through the darkness. Seeking a familiar headlamp from an even more familiar motorcycle. There was nothing. The lot was empty, save my old truck and few other lone vehicles. And I wasn’t sure if I felt relief or disappointment.
With a heavy heart I slid my card through the key lock and entered the dorm.
Putting Brax behind me proved much harder in reality than in theory. He texted. Called. Emailed. I ignored them all. Although he’d stayed away that night after the Blitz, he’d since made it his mission to ensure I got home from work okay. I found myself looking for that single headlamp in the parking lot, and hating myself when relief swept over me. He tried his best to talk to me, but I just … couldn’t. He was everywhere; stuck in my memory, my brain, my thoughts.
My humanities class.
Right along with Kelsy.
I sat away from them both and tried my best to concentrate on my studies. It was as if my brain had its very own clump of gray matter at its beck and call. Against my will my gaze would slip over the room and seek out Brax. Every single time it happened, he caught me. He’d have his gaze fixed on me, too, and a look of anguish and helplessness would wash over his distinctive features as his eyes silently pleaded with me. I hurriedly turned away every time. It was almost unbearable. My emotions were so raw, conflicted, at war with one another and me, jammed right smack in the middle. It drained me. Made me tired. Uninterested with school. Sad. I missed Brax. Missed the way it’d been … before. His voice. His accent. His playful teasing. All of that clouded my recent memory of the embarrassment and pain I’d endured once I’d discovered his true intentions at that stupid fraternity Blitz. Maybe it made me feel better to have a shred of hope that some of it had been real. How could anyone be that callous? That shallow? The truth of his deception was plain and evident. Black and white. Cut and dry. So why did I still carry hope? Was it the pleading of his voice I heard in my head, over and over again? Begging me to listen, to understand he’d tried to stop it? That I didn’t know the whole story?
Stupid girl.
As soon as class was over, though, I’d have my bag already clutched in my hand and I’d hurry out the door and down the stairs, never giving Brax a chance to catch me. Kelsy, blessedly, didn’t even try. He had his seductive nurse girlfriend from the Blitz at his side constantly now and had apparently moved on. I was old news, no longer a conquest. In my
heart I knew he thought he’d won. Let him think it. He was the very last thing I needed to worry about. I was glad his obsessive behavior was turned on anyone else other than me. Poor girl.
Over the next two weeks before Thanksgiving break I seriously struggled. Tessa was right there for me. She, Marcie and Kelly tried their best to convince me to go out with them again, but I had zero interest in going to bars. Strangely enough, Ash’s fight with Brax hadn’t deterred his pursuit of me, and after getting my cell number from Tessa, he’d texted and asked me out. I was flattered, but uninterested, and declined. Then I threatened to strangle Tessa for giving my number out. She promised not to do it again.
A week before break I was closing at the oservatory with Steven when all hell broke loose. Noah and, regrettably, Dr. Callander, were both present and in the lobby. Steven and I were turning all the lights off in the displays in the back.
“I need to speak to Gracie Beaumont. Now.”
Brax’s booming voice, a little slurred, resonated off the walls, and Steven and I exchanged a worried look.
“Uh oh,” he said quietly. “That sounds like trouble. Maybe you should stay back here with me?” He glanced at the doorway. “Let Professor Callander handle it.”
I nodded, but moved closer to the doorway so I could hear a little better. Steven moved with me. Inside, my heart pounded.