by J. Lea
Memories flood my mind again. The constant dizziness, nausea, the pain, syringes. I’ll see you on the other side, I hear him say, and feel his lips on my forehead. The sedative just wore off, so I feel everything when Ronnie cuts into my arm with a cold metal blade, all the way from my wrist to the elbow. A tear slides down my cheek. Ronnie. How could he have done this to me? Pressing a hand to my mouth, I frantically look around myself, and the doctor pushes a kidney dish in front of me. There isn’t much to throw up. I mostly just dry heave.
I break down in tears. Amanda and Max are right beside me, trying to comfort me. I wish I lost memory of the whole ordeal. That would be so much easier.
“Wha-what happened to him?” I manage to say through sobs. They know who I’m talking about.
Max purses his lips and the doctor responds to my question. “He’s in our care as well. He’s awake and responding. But don’t worry, he’s under constant police control, he can’t escape and he won’t hurt you. As soon as he’s recovered, we’ll hand him over to the authorities.”
“He should’ve died,” Max gets upset. “He’s the reason I almost lost my sister.”
“It’s alright, Max.” I place a hand on his arm. “I’m okay now, really.” I’m not upset by the thought of having Ronnie so close, even though I should be. He wanted to kill me. Yet he didn’t see it that way. He was certain that if he cut open the veins in our arms and bleeds us to death that we’ll be united in eternity. He’s a sick man and he needs medical help. I really hope he gets it; I don’t want him to hurt anyone else. But I never want to see him again. It would bring back too many painful memories.
The doctor leaves us, saying she’ll be back in a few hours during rounds. Max sits on the right side of my bed and Amanda takes the other.
“Why won’t you tell me where Jude is?” I ask Max again. I really want to see him. Before, he avoided the question, but now I’m not letting him off the hook. I need to know. He drops his gaze to his hands and he exhales. I look to Amanda.
“I’ll leave you two to speak,” Amanda says and gets off the bed, hugs me and disappears from the room.
“Max? Did something happen to him? Tell me he’s not hurt.” My voice gets shaky and I’m terrified he’s going to tell me bad news.
“He’s fine, like I already told you,” he assures me, but he’s not looking me in the eyes when he says that and he keeps squeezing my good hand, where I see the bracelet Jude gave me. I sigh in relief, the racing of my heart slowing down. He’s fine. So why is Max dodging my questions?
“What aren’t you telling me? Look me in the eyes, please.”
He finally lifts his gaze and his eyes lock with mine. I see anger there, burning fury. “Jude went back home,” he grits out.
“Okay, so he went home.” I hoped I’d get to see him, to tell him things. I almost told him how I felt as I was standing by the entrance of the Fenway Park waiting for my stalker, and I probably would have, if I wasn’t interrupted by the homeless man. He needs to know I’m in love with him.
“No, April, you don’t understand. He left you. He’s not coming back.” His words stab me straight in the heart. “He went away and he’ll never come back. As soon as he found out you were going to be okay, he took off.”
My heart cries in pain and I sniff, turning away from him. He left me and he’s not coming back. He left me. I’d felt the change in his behavior toward me before I was taken and he’s gotten closed off. I thought he was just worried about the stalker, determined to find him. But I never imagined he’d leave me without even saying goodbye. He could’ve at least waited for me to wake up. I don’t know what that thing between us was, but I thought we got along well and I hoped he’d give us a shot. It seems I was the only one having these feelings. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve known I can’t expect anything from him. He’s not built this way, yet his feelings for me felt real, at least when we were together. I felt it in my gut.
“I’m sorry,” Max says.
I shake my head, placing a hand over my mouth. “Could you,” I sob, “leave?”
“I’d rather stay with you.”
“Please, Max. I need to be alone now.” I gently graze the bracelet, barely holding myself together.
“Okay, if you say so.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, walks to the door, and looks back one last time before he leaves. When I hear the door close after him, I break down. I cry, partly because of everything that happened with Ronnie, but mostly because of Jude and what could’ve been.
Nineteen
A few months later - August
Jude
“You look like shit, man,” Cole greets when I open my front door.
“If you came here to annoy me, you can just turn around and leave.” I leave him standing there and walk back inside. I don’t need him lecturing me, too. I already feel like shit without everyone busting my ass. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I plop back down on the couch.
“I just came to see how you’re doing.”
“You just saw me at the office. Beer?”
“No, I’ve got a case waiting for me. I only stopped by for a few minutes. When are you thinking of coming back?”
“Coming back? What the hell are you talking about? I’m right here.”
“Maybe physically, but not mentally. It takes you longer to solve cases than before and you’re not as careful as you used to be. You make mistakes, you snap at people. You’re nothing like your usual self.”
“Did the old man send you?”
“No one sent me, Jude. I’m here because someone needs to kick your sorry ass. Stop moping around and act like a man. Ever since April’s case you look like a heap of misery.”
“We all have bad days.”
“Bad days? More like bad months. Go back to April and tell her how you feel about her. Swallow your pride, that big ego of yours, and admit you’ve been wrong. We all make mistakes and you’re no exception. Perhaps, if you’re lucky, she might even forgive you, even though you’re a total shithead.”
“You’re a shithead.” Lifting a can of beer to my mouth, I let the cold liquid run down my throat.
“Fine, have it your way. Jessie and I aren’t going to keep on saving your pathetic ass forever.”
“Fuck you! How many times have I had to drag your sorry asses out of trouble?”
Cole holds his hands in surrender. “Okay, man. I’ll leave you alone. I see I’m not getting anywhere with you. And please, take a few days off to get your shit together. You can’t live like this anymore.” He turns around and walks through the door. I throw an empty can after him, cursing furiously.
He’s right. I know he’s right. I’m slacking at work which is not like me. And a woman is to blame for everything. A fucking woman with big blue eyes, pretty hair and luscious curves. A woman I’ve fallen in love with. There, I said it. I’m in love with her. I never thought I’d feel like a part of my heart was missing, I left it with her. For some reason, I don’t want it back. I want her to keep it with her. And since I’m a selfish bastard, I want to possess a piece of her heart, too.
I’ve gotten myself into this mess. If I didn’t only think about myself and told her back then how I truly felt about her, I wouldn’t have had to sneak away from there with thinking I’m doing her a favor for walking away. She’s not better off without me. I realize that now. She didn’t deserve this. Neither did I. It’s nice to have someone to laugh with, share a place or a home with and wake up in the morning to. I never had that before. April’s opened a window into a whole new world for me. She’s gotten me addicted to it and I want to live in that world. With her. Now I can only hope I’m not too late.
Taking a deep breath, I ring the doorbell. I’m here, in Boston, trying to get her back, if she’ll want me. I’m shifting my weight from one foot to another and I freeze when I hear the keys turning. And then she opens the door, more beautiful than ever. She’s saying something over her shoulder and stops in her tracks when she sees me.
Her smile falters.
“Jude?” She looks over her shoulder to whomever is in her house, again.
“Hi,” I breathe, nervously, and take in the sight before me. April looks stunning. Her hair is in an elegant twist at the nape of her head, a few loose strands framing her face, and she’s wearing a long black evening gown with thousands of tiny diamonds scattered across the chest, a slit on the right side, reaching up to the middle of her thigh, and black stilettos on her feet. Dramatic smoky eye make-up brings out the rich blue of her eyes and she’s currently frowning at me.
“Who is it, sugar?”
Sugar? Who the hell is in there? Jealousy starts rearing her ugly little head out. Is she seeing someone?
“What are you doing here?” April exclaims in surprise. She ignores the deep male voice coming from inside. Her attention’s fully on me.
“You look stunning,” I say, unable to take my eyes off her.
She runs her hands down the front of her gown. “Thank you,” she responds softly, leaning on the door.
“Can we talk?”
She looks over her shoulder, hesitating.
“Not a good moment? Am I interrupting anything?” There’s so many things I need to say to her.
“We’re just on our way out.”
“Out?” Of course. She wasn’t planning to sit around the house wearing that gorgeous gown. “Who’s in there with you?”
Footsteps sound down the hall and I see a man approaching us. April lowers her head, not looking me in the eyes. Todd fucking Peters steps at her side, her co-host. He’s grinning from ear to ear and places a hand on the small of her back, stepping even closer to her. Get your dirty hands off her.
“Can we help you?” he asks.
I pay him no attention, my eyes on April. “I just came to talk. Just…”
“We’re late,” Todd announces to April, then points a finger at me. “Hey, aren’t you that detective who used to follow our April around?”
I glance at him. “Yes.”
“You saved her life, man. Thank you. We’re forever grateful for that.” He reaches his hand out to me but I don’t shake it, clenching my jaw together.
I may have saved her life, but she was the one who saved mine without even realizing it. She showed me life is much more than a series of one-night stands and meaningless encounters. She taught me how to feel and showed me what loss means. I’m completely lost without her. And it’s about time I get April back.
Todd seems slightly irritated by me ignoring him, so he looks at April, putting his hand back into the pocket of his tailored pants.
“Just give me five minutes,” I beg her.
“Todd, could you wait for me in the car? I’ll be right there.” He looks at her, gives her a pointed look, and before he walks down to the car he leans in to kiss her cheek. The side of my jaw ticks, jealousy suffocating me.
“Are you and Todd an item now?” I find it hard to say the words out loud.
“What do you want, Jude?” April sighs and ignores my question.
“You,” I tell her. Enough beating around the bush.
Her reaction is nothing like I expected; she closes her eyes and sighs. “I wish it were that simple,” she shakes her head.
“It can be,” I say, taking her hand in mine, and give her a pleading look. “I messed up. I admit, I’ve acted like a complete jerk, and you can’t imagine how much I regret it now.”
She pulls her hand out of mine and places it in front of her. “I’ve heard this a million times before. I’m sick of it. Why can’t you just…” She shakes her head again, looking away. “You left me, remember? Everything I felt for you died the day you left, without even saying goodbye, if I may add. Max had to break the news. For God’s sake. I thought you were dead or something, when he wouldn’t tell me why you weren’t by my side. Dead!” she exclaims, waving her arms in the air, her eyes glossy. “Who’d do something like that? You left a huge scar when you left. I wished I’d never kissed you, never gotten to know you. What happened between us was one big fat lie. And now you’re back. Why? What do you want from me? Just…” she runs a hand over her face. “Just go back to where you came from and leave me alone.”
“I can’t. I can’t leave without you.”
“Look. I’m in a hurry,” she tries to brush me off and rubs a finger under her eye.
Examining her wrist closely, I notice she’s still wearing my bracelet. “You still have it.” I brush my fingers over it.
“Yes, I’m still wearing the bracelet.”
“You’re leaving with him? Are you dating him?”
“Jude, that’s none of your business.”
I nod solemnly. She’s right, even though I don’t want her to be. But I need to keep trying. “Please, an hour, that’s all I’m asking.”
“I’ll think about it. Now I really need to go.” She turns around to lock the door, showing me the view of her bare back. I close my eyes, feeling nauseous at the thought of Todd’s dirty paws on her bare skin, whispering sweet nothings to her and having her all to himself.
“I love you,” I yell after her. There, I said it. I love her, with all my heart, truly and honestly and now she knows it too.
Her step falters, but she recovers quickly and hurries to the car parked at the curb. When Todd drives off, our eyes meet briefly. I notice a tear escape down her face and it hits me straight into my heart. I’ve hurt her. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her to forgive me.
April
I love you. Jude’s final words still resound in my head. If only he told me earlier. When it still mattered. Then it would be so different…
I’ll never forget that day in the hospital when Max told me Jude had left. No goodbye, no explanation, he just ran off with his tail between his legs. He didn’t have the guts to admit he used me. I wouldn’t be offended if he did, after all, we never discussed commitment or anything similar. We had sex. To him our time together was just a passing affair, but to me it became much more. I fell in love with him. I never expected him to run away. It was hard for me to face the facts; I even gathered enough courage to call him a few times, but he never answered the phone, as expected. I wanted explanation, some sort of closure. The days we’ve spent together were unforgettable. I really hoped our feelings were mutual. When we went our separate ways, I imagined his face in front of me like a picture. I didn’t have any real photos of him, but that didn’t matter; I have him imprinted on my brain for eternity. Sometimes I wish life was like a picture—frozen in time, where you’re always happy and never lonely, all smiles and giggles, where no one can break your heart. But real life is anything but.
I couldn’t get rid of the pain etched in my chest. It took me a while before I could start functioning like a proper human again. I’m still broken on the inside but I suppressed the pain and decided to move on, turn another chapter in my life. And I think I’m doing okay.
Speaking of life; Ronnie’s recovery was successful, at least physical. The psychiatrists have found Ronnie unfit for trial and they put him in a mental hospital where he’s under 24-hour medical supervision. I hope he gets the help he needs and that he’s locked in there for the rest of his life. It’ll take me forever to heal after the hell he’s put me through. I hope I’ll never see his face again.
“Are you okay?” Todd asks, squeezing my hand in his. We’re driving to a going-away party, our going away party. Todd and I were offered to host a news show in Chicago because they liked our chemistry. I took some time to think about it thoroughly before finally deciding on saying yes. This is what you've been dreaming about, I kept reminding myself. It's what I pushed myself for. For every day in every horrible, demeaning job I took so I could get experience and move up the journalist ladder. This is why I became I reporter.
“Yes,” I wipe at a stray tear and give him a small smile.
I left Jude standing at my house. He looked terrible. His hair has grown quite a bit and hasn’t seen a comb in a while, and
he grew his beard. Dark circles under his eyes indicated he hasn’t been getting enough sleep. Yet he was still the sexiest man I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I never took his bracelet off. I probably should have so I could get over him faster, but I simply couldn’t force myself to separate from it. Maybe someday I’ll be strong enough to do it.
“You love him, huh?” Todd overheard me talking about Jude with Heather a few weeks ago and I thought he was going to go all Toddish on me like I was used to, offering his skilled sexual services, as he liked to call it, but no. He was surprisingly kind and compassionate. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still an irrevocable womanizer bringing up sex at every occasion, but he’s doing that to make me laugh. He realizes there’s never going to be more between us than friendship.
I look into his eyes. “I’m trying not to.”
He nods. “I can see it in your eyes.”
I smile. “Todd Peters, have you just said something romantic? I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“Oh, I’m very romantic. Just ask Tina. Yesterday, we—“
I press my hand to his mouth to shut him down. “Tina? Seriously? I’m not interested in details.”
“I see you still don’t like her.”
“She’s a back-stabber.”
“But she’s a freak between the sheets,” he wiggles his eyebrows.
“I don’t have any interest in knowing what’s going on between you two.”
Todd shrugs. “I’ve lost interest, too.”
“Just when I think you’re getting more serious,” I grin at him.
“Ah, I’ll save that for when I’m old and wrinkly. Babes are waiting for me. Chicago, here I come. Babes, beware!” he yells, and I can’t help but to chuckle at his antics.
I get up early the next morning. I promised my dad I’d come visit him at the retirement home and then I have to finish packing my things and clean the house. Moving to another city is a big change for me. It’s going to be hard leaving my brother, his family and our father behind. Even though my dad doesn’t remember me anymore, I remember all the good moments we shared and what a great father he was. I’ll treasure those moments in my heart, carrying them with me no matter where I go.