by K E Osborn
I glance at Jana, she already knows, folding her arms across her chest with the biggest of frowns appearing as I gulp down the lump in my throat. “I used a fake ID. I knew if you saw who I was, you probably wouldn’t deal with me—”
“What? So you could scope out the shop, you fucking asshole!”
“No, Tomi, no. I swear. It was just so I could get my tattoo done by the best, without you thinking I was doing exactly what you’re thinking. If I came in and told you who I was, when I started sending you emails a few months later, it would have been weird.”
“And this isn’t?”
I exhale trying to bring it back to my original point. “I know this is messed up. I couldn’t find a way to keep the original Hope & Faith Ink building, but I have been working on a new design that’s going to be similar to what it is now, but with some better features, with things you wanted in your dream store.” I sigh. “I’m doing this for you because I can… let me give you this, Tomi.”
She scoffs. “Right, so I can be indebted to you for the rest of my fucking life? No, thank you, sir. I don’t have the money to fall back on if shit hits the fan when you decide I need to pay you back everything.” She folds her arms over her chest defiantly. “No. The answer is no. Firmly, no. Now leave, Alex, you’re not welcome here.”
My chest aches at the thought of never seeing her again, so I make a move. “You’re still my girl, Tomi. Whether you want to be or not. Whether you believe me or not. You will always be my girl.”
She snorts out a laugh. “Who says shit like that? I’m not your girl, Alex. Now get the fuck out.”
I glance at Jana, who seems to have softened her stance toward me. I weakly smile at her, then turn walking toward the door. “I’m not giving up on you, Tomi. Ever!”
“Please do,” she replies, making me laugh.
“There’s my girl.”
“Not your girl,” she cuts back.
“Yes, you are,” I state, walking out and closing the door behind me before she can say anything else.
I turn back to see her watching me. I dip my head, to which she flips me the bird, making me warm inside. If anything, that little action has only made me more determined to get her back.
And I will.
I just have to show her I’m not giving up on her.
She needs to know how much I care about her and Levi.
TOMI
Seeing Xander in a suit did all kinds of things to my libido. As much as I try to deny my feelings for him, I know I’ve fallen hard for the man who played me like a fiddle. I think that’s what hurts the most knowing that usually, I’m so smart, so switched on about this sort of shit, but Alex threw me completely.
There was not one thing that made me suspicious of Xander, nothing that triggered alarm bells. That’s what makes him such an unprecedented liar. How could I ever trust him again? I think that’s why it hurts—that I trusted him, not only with myself but with Levi. How Levi’s going to cope with Xander not being around for him anymore, I don’t know. Levi finally felt like he had a man he could trust, who would be there for him. But Xander let him down too.
That’s not cool.
Jana’s talking to me as I continue to dismantle the workstations after Xander’s departure, but I can’t hear a word she’s saying. My head is racing with thoughts I can’t control. Memories of times Xander and I spent together, times we’ll never have together. I didn’t realize the hold he had on me until right now until he’s actually gone.
“Tomi… earth to Tomi?” Jana calls out snapping her fingers in front of my face breaking me from my thoughts.
I glance up at her. “Huh?”
She exhales with a frown. “You’ve been cleaning the same section for the last twenty minutes.”
I glance down at the workstation I’m actually meant to be pulling apart rather than cleaning, and I throw the cloth down in a huff. “I’m gonna go get some more cloths.”
Jana raises her brow at me but nods as I stomp my way over to the supply closet. I walk in searching for the cloths, and a flashback hits me—Xander, me, up against the shelves kissing like mad fools. My chest squeezes as the emotion slams into me full force.
I want to be strong.
I’m supposed to be brave, but right now, seeing Xander dressed like him, like Alex today, it’s all a little too much.
Tears pool in my eyes as my throat squeezes in anguish. My breathing comes in shallow bursts as my heart hammers in my chest. I can’t help it, the tears start to cascade down my cheeks as I let out a sob. My hand smothers my mouth to try and keep quiet so Jana can’t hear me as I clench my eyes shut, trying to contain myself. But the harder I try to stop my emotions, the stronger they become, and the more intense the flashes of Xander and I up against those shelves appear. They’re like living Technicolor invading my mind as I cry full force, gut-wrenching tears, the hot liquid pouring down my face while my stomach’s heaving and my legs give out from under me.
How could he do this to me?
How could I let him do this to me?
I rock back and forth on the floor, my emotions wracking through my body, enveloping me and taking me prisoner. I haven’t cried like this in so long, certainly not since my parents passed away. I feel like a piece of me is dying right now. A piece of me who felt like I had a future with Xander, like we could have built a life together. He was everything I could have ever wanted, for me, for Levi. But he’s this whole other persona, a man I’ve been waging a war against for so long.
How the hell did I not know?
The way his face would crinkle or the way he would shift when I talked about Alex Scott. I noticed his reactions, and I should have picked up on it more. I’m so damn stupid, and I have no one to blame but myself.
This misery I’m feeling right now is my own burden to bear as the tears flood my cheeks. I sniff back trying to keep myself in some sort of semblance of a functioning state, but it’s hard when my emotions are fast becoming out of control. I need to find a way to calm myself, but I can’t as I rock back and forth, thinking, wishing things were different, just wanting one more night with Xander, Just Xander, not the ghosts of Alex in the room.
Suddenly, the door flies open, and Jana’s eyes shift down at me. “Oh, T-Tomi.” Her voice breaks as she drops to the floor, yanking me into her arms.
It only makes me cry harder as she strokes my hair. “Let it out, honey… just let it all out.”
I collapse into her arms as she holds onto me like she’s my lifeline. I need her right now as I cry for everything I’ve lost. It all hits me.
Not only Xander—he’s just the catalyst of this meltdown.
My shop.
My business family.
Kaylie.
My parents.
Stability for Levi.
I’ve lost so much in my twenty-five years, and it’s all hitting me with gale-force winds blowing right through my soul. I’m a blubbering mess as I sob uncontrollably in Jana’s lap. She’s doing everything right as she simply sits with me, stroking my hair while I let this built-up emotion sweep me into its wake. She gently rocks me back and forth in a soothing motion as the sobbing gradually eases, the hiccups start, and my tears begin to slow.
I have no idea how long we’ve been on the floor.
It feels like seconds.
Or is it a lifetime?
I have no concept of time right now as I sniffle and slowly sit up in her arms. Her somber eyes glistening like she too is on the verge of tears as she leans in wiping stray tears from my cheek.
“Tomi, I’ve let you have your mental break. You’ve deserved it. It was needed. But honey, you have to pull your shit together now.”
Swallowing hard, my eyes widen as I take in her no-bullshit attitude. I know she cares about me, she’s not trying to be mean, so I hear her out. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, blinking a few times. “I don’t know how?”
Jana reaches out steadying my shoulders looking me dead in the eyes. “Ye
s, you do. I know this hurts. I know what Xander… Alex, whoever the fuck he is has hurt you. What he did was unthinkable. But Tomi, you don’t have the time to have a meltdown over him, and you know why?”
It clicks into place, my heart hammers in my chest as I think of the one shining light left in my life. I may have lost everything I hold dear right now—my shop, the people I work with, my career and Xander—but I still have the one young man who shines the brightest out of everything in the entire world. Levi.
I nod as I take in a deep breath. “I have to be strong for my brother.”
Jana’s gorgeous pale face lights up the small room. “There you go, you’re getting it. I know this is hard, and it fucking sucks, but girl, you have something, no someone, you need to live for. Someone you need to be on your A-game for. If you go down in a heap, what will that do for Levi?”
Inhaling sharply, the thought of me not functioning for Levi almost breaks me all over again. But I find the strength to pull my big girl panties up and wipe my face. “Thank you. You’re so good at this.”
Jana chuckles. “No, Tomi, you’re good at this. You’re amazing with Levi. You’re the best person in his life, you just gotta remember that.”
Swallowing hard, I pull myself up, dust myself off, and stand tall. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s get on with this. I might be losing my shop, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to cry another stupid tear over Alex-asshole Scott.”
Jana stands smiling wide. “There’s the Tomi I know.” She wraps her arm around my shoulders, and we head back out into my studio for the last time today. We’re almost finished packing up. When we’re done, we’ll be saying goodbye for good.
But I won’t cry.
Not again.
It’s time to be a stronger, more positive Tomi. For Levi and me.
I can do this.
I know I can.
TOMI
A Week Later
The cold texture hits my tongue as the burnt caramel flavor explodes through my mouth, making my senses finally come alive. It’s the umpteenth time I’ve eaten this ice cream since the tattoo studio closed down a week ago, and what am I doing? I’m sitting here in my pajamas in the middle of the day eating from a tub of creamy goodness scrolling through jobs in the employment section.
Way to reach rock bottom, Tomi.
Levi’s at school, it’s a miracle I got him there this morning. He’s been off, suspended multiple times and acting out since the shop closed. He’s been out of his usual routine of going there after school. He doesn’t like change, and this minor adjustment has thrown him for a loop. I’m getting calls from the school saying he’s distracted in class, his temper has flared, and his sensory issues are heightened at the moment. Where he could stand certain things before, now he’s having issues with them. Things like chairs scraping on the floor, and in a classroom, that’s going to be an issue.
He isn’t coping.
I’m not coping.
I miss working.
But more than anything I miss the feel of my tattoo machine, Betsy, in my hands. The vibration it sends through my fingers is like a shot of euphoria that I haven’t felt for a week. I miss my friends, my work colleagues, but most of all, much to my horror, I miss Xander.
Having him around, his funny texts, having him to rely on.
I just miss him.
I hate admitting that I miss him.
I know I’m much stronger than this.
So much for a better more positive Tomi.
I know Xander wasn’t technically a real person, he was playing a part, just trying to get to me so that I would leave the location, and they could get their project underway sooner. But he failed, I stayed my term only leaving when my hand was forced. He didn’t succeed in his mission. I’m glad for that at least. I don’t feel like a complete fool who’s been taken for a ride.
Suddenly, my phone beeps with a text. I grab it from the coffee table, glancing at the screen. It’s from Xander. I exhale. I should really change the name of his contact to Alex, or just delete him altogether, but curiosity gets the better of me as I swipe my screen opening the message.
Xander: You’re still my girl, Tomi.
Bringing my pen to my mouth, I chew on the end with such force I hear the plastic cracking under the strain. I’m annoyed to see his name, but I can’t stop the corner of my lips from turning upward. My lips are traitors.
Inhaling deeply, I then exhale, shaking my head, exiting the text without replying even though I know he’ll be able to see I’ve read the message.
It actually makes me feel a little better knowing he’s still thinking about me after a week apart. I’m still pining over a man I thought I knew. It seems Xander or Alex—whoever the fuck he is—is still thinking about me too. But I can’t get lost in those thoughts. I need to find myself a job, so I can support Levi. The inheritance from my parents will only support us for so long. Luckily, they set up a trust for Levi, and he will be supported with care from his therapists and nanny for the rest of his life. My parents made sure everything was covered should anything happen to either of them. I’m grateful for that, at least I don’t have to find that money because if I did, I would be screwed right now. They left me some money, but it won’t be enough to keep me going until I find another tattoo studio, so for now it’s job searching for me. The money I got from Scott Enterprises wasn’t a lot, but I want to keep that for when I’m able to open a new shop. For now, that’s tucked away in case I need it.
So, I get back to work, shoveling another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth as I scour the employment section.
A Month Later
“Thanks for shopping at Frank’s Fresh Food Mart,” I drone out as another happy customer walks away from my register. I begin to swipe the next customer’s groceries, my belly rolls again sending that feeling through the pit of my stomach.
I shouldn’t be here. I should be doing something with art, celebrating the way drawings come to life on skin. Not scanning packets of condoms, cable ties, and cucumbers? What the hell does this person get up to?
“Tomi?” I glance to my left to see Hogtie walking in as I finish up this customer’s strange collection of groceries.
“Thanks for shopping at Frank’s Fresh Food Mart,” I mumble as the customer walks off with his weird sex fetish purchases, I’m sure.
I glance at Hogtie as he steps up to my register with a strange look on his face. “What the fuck are you doing wasting your talents here?”
My eyes search the room for my boss, Brent, who happens to be a nineteen-year-old pimply-faced jerk with a superiority complex, but he must be out the back right now. “It’s so good to see you, Hogtie, but I need to pay my bills.”
Hogtie turns his lip up at me. “You need to be working in another studio, Tomi. Why the hell aren’t you slinging ink? Why the hell aren’t you renting a spot, somewhere?”
My chest squeezes. I hate this. “It just doesn’t feel right if it’s not at Hope & Faith Ink.”
He slumps his shoulders. “I get it, I do. Just don’t waste your talents for too long, Tomi. I’m over on Sheffield Street if you change your mind. There’s a spot there any time for you. Just say the word.”
He winks at me as he turns, walking out of the store without buying anything. It’s like he came in here simply to talk to me. I tilt my head wondering if I could go back to tattooing for another studio. Could I work in the industry again as an employee? I’ve had this swirling feeling in my stomach ever since I left, and I can’t seem to dull it no matter what I do. The stress messes with my body in all kinds of ways because I feel all out of sorts.
Brent steps up to my register tapping the end of it snapping me out of my thoughts. “Tomi, you’re good to go, close up your shift.”
I furrow my brows. “But I don’t finish for another half hour.”
Brent steadiest his shoulders. “If you’re going to stand around talking rather than working, then you need to leave.”
I narrow my
eyes at him. “This is my wage you’re taking away here, Brent.”
He scoffs. “Then maybe you’ll learn to work and not be a Chatty Cathy… I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I scrunch up my face as I unwrap my apron throwing it down on the checkout bench, then storm to the locker room mumbling under my breath. Moving to my locker, I open it, grab my bag and reach in for my cell to see if there’re any messages from Greta, but I notice there’s a text from Xander instead.
My stomach flips.
I think about him every day, without fail. I miss him more than words, but I’m still so undeniably fucking angry at him. I take a breath as I swipe the screen to open the message.
Xander: You’re still my girl, Tomi.
I pull my lips in to try and stop the smile forming on my face. I haven’t gotten a text from him in a month, though he has sent me two bunches of flowers in the last two weeks. Even so, I thought he’d move on, that he’d forget about me, while all the time I think about him constantly even though I tell my head to forget about him. I don’t even know how to comprehend forgiving him. I’m still angry as fucking hell. All I know is I miss him, and I hate that I miss him.
My finger hovers over the keypad for a moment, and I start typing.
Me: I’m not your girl.
I hesitate over the send button, I go to push it, then stop, then groan out loud.
“Ah, fuck it!” I hit send as I stand, tapping my foot impatiently as the little ‘read’ sign comes up followed by the three bouncing dots. My stomach flutters as I impatiently wait for him to write back.
Xander: Yes you are.
I let out a small laugh, tears forming in my eyes as I blink them away. I don’t reply, leaving it just as we did over a month ago. Sniffling, I grab my shit and go to relieve Greta from watching Levi.
A mixture of emotions swarms through me right now, making my already unsettled stomach rattle with more nerves as I head to the front door of my home. I’m pissed at Brent for sending me home early, but hearing from Xander has lit something in me. I’ve been moping about for the last month with my tail between my legs, hating him, but missing him like crazy. The dueling emotions wreak havoc with my body as I try aimlessly to get through each meaningless day.