by Lucy Gordon
‘When will that be?’
‘I’ll call Sue and she can bring him over. It’s probably too late for her to travel today, but tomorrow. Before I left England I fixed him up with a passport so that he could travel at a moment’s notice. I was always going to bring him-if you wanted him.’
‘If?’ he breathed. ‘Please, get him here as soon as you can. We’ve lost too much time already.’
She called Sue, who promised to call back when she’d booked tickets. An hour later it was all sorted.
‘Tomorrow,’ Mandy said, hanging up. ‘The flight lands at midday.’
Renzo didn’t reply in words and she wondered if he’d heard, but the next moment he embraced her in a hug so fierce that it almost squeezed the breath out of her.
‘We’ll be there,’ he said fiercely and walked away, leaving her standing alone.
Mandy was too wise to follow him. It would have been wonderful to laugh and rejoice together, but she knew by now that this was a deeply troubled man and there was still some distance to travel. For the moment it was enough that he was glad about his son.
She found Teresa, told her everything and smiled at the older woman’s beaming delight.
‘I get a room ready for your friend,’ she said. ‘There’s a nice one right next to yours.’
It was a perfect choice. The room was large and airy. Teresa had a maid cleaning it out within minutes, decorating it with flowers until it was fit for a queen. Mandy gave her an impulsive kiss of gratitude and only wished she could call Renzo to see how his household was preparing for his son.
She didn’t meet him for the rest of the day. As dusk fell she looked out of the window and saw him in the garden by the fountain, staring into the water.
By late evening she still hadn’t spoken to him, and sadly she decided to go to bed. She heard him go to his own room and the door close with a depressing sound of finality.
But a moment later there came a soft knock on her door, and when she opened it she found him looking like a man who wasn’t sure of his welcome.
‘I’m sorry to disturb you,’ he said.
‘You can disturb me any time you like, surely you know that?’ When he didn’t move she took his hand. ‘Come in.’
He let her draw him in until they were both sitting on the bed, but when she tried to kiss him he stopped her.
‘Don’t you have something you want to say to me first?’
‘About what?’
‘About the way I behaved this morning, hurling abuse at you after last night.’
‘Perhaps remembering last night made it worse. We were so close, and if you thought I’d betrayed you-’
‘You’re very generous, but we both know I was out of control. I was cruel. I’ve never thought of myself as a cruel man, but I said terrible things just to hurt you. Can you forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive.’
‘Yes, there is. I shouldn’t have flown at you like that. I should have asked you calmly who you’d been talking to.’
She could almost have laughed at the way he said ‘calmly’.
‘You could have been calm if you didn’t care,’ she said gently. ‘Let it go. There’s no harm done.’
She spoke confidently but in her heart she knew that it wasn’t really that simple. Somewhere in a distant place in his mind Renzo’s demons were still howling. And he knew it. And was afraid.
CHAPTER TEN
‘T HERE’S no harm done,’ Mandy repeated gently. ‘You’re not a cruel man, just one who’s been very ill, and isn’t well yet.’
‘That’s nice of you, but-’
‘Renzo, stop it. You can’t blame yourself for everything, especially with me. Who knows better than I do what you’ve been through? And even I only half know. I didn’t suffer anywhere near as much as you did, but we know things that other people have never dreamed of, and we don’t have to explain ourselves to each other.’
He was about to speak again but she silenced him, drawing him towards the bed and down onto it. Now he was content to follow her lead, letting her undress him and reaching to undress her, but she was ahead of him, eager to be naked with him, eager to love him, because only her love could ease his darkened mind.
She went slowly, waiting for him to relax, teasing and enticing until he was ready to take command, then yielding herself up to him with joy. At last she had what she wanted when she looked into his face and knew that she had driven care from his mind.
But perhaps not for long. She knew the demons would return. She prayed that she would be powerful enough to banish them for good, but when she tried to look into the future she saw a twisted road with no sign where it led.
Afterwards, he lay in her arms. ‘How could I ever have forgotten making love to you?’ Renzo asked in a wondering tone. ‘It’s all clear now, everything-it was so cold that we had to huddle together for warmth, and so dark that we couldn’t see each other. It’s all come back.’
‘That’s what really matters,’ Mandy told him fondly.
‘We thought we were going to die,’ he mused, ‘and all I wanted was you.’
‘For however long we have-and afterwards,’ she reminded him.
‘Yes, I said that. And you said you loved me. Do you remember?’
‘I remember,’ she whispered, kissing him.
‘What happened when you got back to England, when you found you were pregnant?’
‘Sue was living with me by then. She’s a nurse and she was doing agency work, just accepting temporary jobs so that she could look after me at the same time.
‘She spotted that I was pregnant. I thought I was just having dizzy spells after what had happened, but she made me see the truth. On the very same day I read in the paper that you were dead and buried.
‘Until then, I’d clung to the hope that you might still be alive. After that, it was only Danny who helped me to go on living. It meant you’d left me part of yourself, and he was doubly precious.
‘I used to talk to him about his father, even before he was born, and more afterwards. If you really had been dead, he’d still have grown up knowing about you. But now-’ she gave a happy sigh ‘-now you’ll get to know each other as father and son. It’s going to be marvellous.’
‘Is it?’
An odd note in his voice made her look at him quickly.
‘You have more faith in me than I have in myself,’ he said quietly. ‘How can I ever be a father?’
‘You are a father,’ Mandy insisted.
‘Only in name. You’ve managed very well without me so far.’
‘Oh, no, we haven’t,’ she said fervently. ‘We haven’t managed well without you at all. There’s always been a great gap where you belonged. You’re Danny’s father. Nothing can take that away.’
When he didn’t answer, she shook his shoulders gently.
‘Renzo, what’s the matter? When I told you, you couldn’t wait to see him.’
‘Yes, that was my first impulse, but since then I’ve been thinking. I told you once that with all I’ve got in here-’ he tapped his breast ‘-I’d better not have children.’
‘Until you were too old and decrepit to do anything else,’ she said lightly. ‘Well, I’m glad we dispensed with that one.’
He smiled, but he was still troubled.
‘I’m just not sure I can cope with a family,’ he said. ‘I told you a little about my experience of family life and I dare say Teresa has filled you in about the rest.’
‘She added a few things,’ Mandy agreed.
‘So you’ll know that it’s something that makes me nervous. Parents and children-how they relate to each other-I just don’t know.’
‘What about your father? Even when your mother left, you still had him.’
‘His way of coping was to let me do as I liked while he got on with his own life. I didn’t have any complaints at the time. No child is going to object to having his own way, but we ended up barely acquainted. When it comes to being a f
ather-I know nothing.’
‘And neither does any other man with his first child,’ Mandy tried to reassure him. ‘You learn as you go along. And you did have some family life, with your grandfather. Teresa told me he adored you, that he gave you the only love you really had in your childhood. You adored him too, didn’t you? That’s why his is the only picture you keep.’
He nodded reflectively. ‘If I hadn’t had him to cling to, things would have been even worse. He gave me security, and when I grew up he invested in me with a loan to start the business, no interest and unsecured. Later, when I tried to pay him back, he didn’t want it. He said I should keep it as a gift. I couldn’t let him do that, but he wouldn’t take the money.’
He grinned suddenly. ‘We had a historic battle. I paid the money direct into his bank and he hit the roof. We yelled at each other for a while, he wrote a cheque and stuffed it into my hand. I tore it up. He stormed off and deposited money directly into my bank. Then we had another yelling match.’
‘Who gave in?’ she asked, much entertained.
‘Me, of course. Nobody ever got the better of the old man. The best I managed was to make him accept a partnership in the business so that he had something to show for his money, and I paid him regular dividends. To this day he owns a quarter, and at least I can say he’s prospered. But if he’d gone bankrupt he wouldn’t have held it against me.
‘One day soon I’d like to take you both to see him. He’s very old. He spends most of his life asleep, but we might be lucky and catch him on a good day.’
‘Yes, I’d love to meet him. And he definitely ought to be introduced to his great-grandson.’
‘I wish he was still well enough to be there for Danny. He’d be a better father than I will. I don’t think I have the patience-Mandy, you know what I’m trying to say. I can be very difficult. You’ve discovered that.’
‘Yes, with people you think are trying to deceive you. I don’t think you need worry about that with Danny.’
‘You’re so sure, aren’t you? Far more than I am.’
‘Maybe I know you better than you know yourself.’
‘And if I can’t find a place in my heart for him? Face it, Mandy, it might happen.’
‘Then…’ She hesitated, unwilling to confront the thought, but knowing it had to be done. ‘If that happened,’ she said slowly, ‘then Danny and I would have to go away and trouble you no more.’
Renzo drew a sharp breath and his hand tightened slightly on hers, as though he were trying to prevent her escape.
‘I couldn’t stay here then,’ she said sadly. ‘Because eventually Danny would know that you didn’t love him, and he’d suffer the same kind of rejection that you did. I couldn’t do that to him. I’d have to take him away, wouldn’t I?’
He nodded, and there was infinite sadness in his face.
‘Yes,’ he said sadly. ‘That’s what you’d have to do.’
They were both at the airport the next day. Earlier in the day Renzo had declined to go there, using business as an excuse. Mandy guessed the real reason. He didn’t want to meet his son for the first time in public.
But when she looked into his office to say goodbye he suddenly announced that business could wait and came out to the car with her.
‘It would look rude if we didn’t both welcome your friend,’ he said.
She wasn’t fooled by that, either. He might pretend as much as he liked. He couldn’t wait to see Danny.
It was a good omen, she told herself. As they rode in the back of the car to the airport she was full of hope.
The plane was on time and they had only to position themselves by the gate and wait for Sue to appear.
‘Just a few more minutes,’ she said excitedly. ‘Renzo-where are you?’
He’d moved a few feet behind her. ‘I’ll wait here,’ he said, ‘while you say hello.’
It sounded reasonable enough, but it meant that once again he’d withdrawn to watch from a distance. Mandy tried not to be uneasy. He was bound to be cautious.
Then she saw Sue coming towards them, carrying Danny, and all else was forgotten in the joy of seeing them. As she ran forward, Danny spotted her and began wriggling free, yelling, ‘Muuu-meee-Muuuuu-’
‘Darling,’ she cried, taking him from Sue. ‘You didn’t forget me. Give me a kiss-there-there-my gorgeous boy.’
‘Thank goodness you took him before he escaped,’ Sue said, laughing and flexing her arm. ‘He’s getting heavy.’
‘Allow me to help with your luggage, signorina,’ said a quiet voice. ‘I am Renzo Ruffini.’
‘Where are my manners?’ Mandy said guiltily. ‘I took one look at Danny and everything went out of my head.’
‘Very natural,’ Renzo said.
‘This is Sue. I’ve told you about her, and she’s been looking after Danny while I was away. And this-is Danny.’
Father and son stared at each other in silence.
Then Renzo said, ‘We’re holding people up. Let’s get out to the car.’
In the car home Mandy sat with Danny on her lap, hugging him and resting her cheek against his head, happy in their reunion but longing to reach home. Renzo was talking to Sue, asking polite questions, seemingly interested in the answers, but Mandy could sense that he was filled with tension.
At last the car drew up. As they entered the house Teresa appeared, beaming a welcome and offering to show Sue up to her room. Sue went with her willingly, knowing that the others needed to be alone.
Renzo followed her into the front room and closed the door.
‘Here he is,’ Mandy said, turning so that he could see his son clearly. ‘Doesn’t he look like your grandfather?’
‘Yes, his face is very like,’ Renzo agreed.
‘He’s one year and three months old, and he’s got a real personality. He likes his own way and if he doesn’t get it he lets you know how he feels.’
‘I believe I was much the same.’
‘From what I hear, you still are,’ she said with an attempt at humour.
‘Like father, like son,’ he said in the same spirit.
It was all wrong, she thought with a sinking heart. He was doing his best, but it was a palpable effort.
‘Would you like to hold him?’ she asked.
‘I’d be afraid to drop him.’
‘Sit on the sofa and I’ll give him to you.’
He sat down and she sat beside him, easing Danny into his arms.
But the child promptly let out a bellow and began to struggle, so that she retrieved him hastily.
‘He’s tired,’ she said. ‘He needs a nap before he meets people.’
‘Of course,’ Renzo said, with something in his voice that might have been relief. ‘I’ll leave you two together, while I get on with some work.’
He departed quickly.
It was too soon, Mandy told herself. Renzo was bound to be wary at first. He just needed time. But she was haunted by the sight of him at the airport, seeing her embrace her son, pouring out motherly love, something that had never happened to him. With all her heart she longed to welcome him into the magic circle, but only he could decide when the moment had come. Until then, he was condemned to stand apart.
Then Danny clamoured for her attention and for a few hours she was able to forget everything but the joy of their reunion. Everyone in the house wanted to meet him, so she had to take him everywhere. The maids lined up to make joyful noises, which Danny returned with interest.
Teresa had outdone herself, reviving every baby-food recipe that she’d ever known, and laying out the details for inspection. Mandy ventured to suggest that for tonight Danny had better stick to his regular diet, which Sue had thoughtfully brought with her. But this was met with outrage.
In order to keep the peace, she made a choice, silently resolving to keep his normal food ready in reserve. But Danny was fast learning the social rules, and from his perch on Mandy’s lap he ate everything Teresa offered him with evident enjoyment.
‘He’s so sweet and well-behaved,’ she purred.
‘Don’t count on that lasting.’ Mandy chuckled. ‘I think the journey tired him, because usually he’s a little devil.’
‘Good,’ Teresa said fervently. ‘That’s how it should be. Just like his father.’
She beamed approval at Renzo, who smiled back dutifully.
‘It’s time he was in bed,’ Mandy said, rising with Danny in her arms.
‘Shall I come and help you?’ Sue asked.
‘Thank you, but no. We have a lot of catching up to do. Come along, my little man.’
She dropped a kiss on Danny’s head as she carried him out of the room. Renzo watched until they were out of sight, then turned back to Sue and became the perfect host. But Sue had a kind heart and soon released him, declaring herself tired after the journey.
Teresa had celebrated Danny’s arrival by ordering the most expensive cot and bedclothes she could find, putting them on Renzo’s account and demanding that they be delivered that day on pain of dire retribution. The intimidated store staff had obliged and the cot was waiting in Mandy’s room.
‘Look at that,’ she told him. ‘See how welcome they’re making you. Oh, let me hug you. It’s been so long. Mmm!’
Danny made a sound halfway between a giggle and a gurgle and she kissed him again and again, murmuring, ‘I’ve really got you back, my darling, and everything’s all right again. I’m never going to let you go.’
‘Fish,’ Danny said firmly.
‘Yes, fish. And fish. And fish. All the fish you want. Hey, don’t pull my hair.’
She burst out laughing at Danny’s determined assault, and he laughed with her.
‘I love you, love you, love you!’ she said fervently. ‘Now, let’s get you tucked up and off to sleep. And don’t worry, I’m staying right here with you all night.’
She settled Danny in the cot, gazing down with adoration, so oblivious to everything else that she never saw the man standing in the doorway, waiting for her to notice him and smile in welcome. When she didn’t, he moved quietly away.
They both wanted Sue to remain for a while and she settled in as part of the family. Renzo visited Danny twice a day, smiled and said the right things, but always with a kind of reserve that Mandy sensed he was trying to overcome, but without success.