by Elle Woods
They made their way slowly to her home without her ever stirring. In fact, the only move she made was to wrap her arm around him and pull herself closer to him. When they arrived, he gently lifted her from the backseat and carried her to the door. It wasn’t until he began to climb the stairs that she woke up. If she found the fact that he was carrying her strange, she didn’t say it. In fact, she didn’t say anything. They simply stared at each other and willed the moment to last forever.
When he finally put her down, it was one of the most difficult things he had ever done in his life. He wanted to carry her inside and up the stairs to her room. He wanted to lie beside her and feel her lush body against his. She looked up at him with a sleepy smile on her face that took his breath away.
“Thank you for tonight. I know it was all for show, but I really did have a nice time. Your co-workers are all so nice.”
Of course they were nice to her, he thought. They all wanted to sleep with her.
“I am glad that you enjoyed yourself. I would hate for you to be bored.”
“You’re never boring,” she mumbled as she began to drift back to sleep.
Instead of staying with her, he said goodnight and got back in the car, feeling the loss of her warmth.
Chapter 6
Fix-n-Flip
For several days, Dylan called Sarah and received no response. He didn’t even get a text message from her. He wasn’t sure why it filled him with such fear. She wasn’t his fiancée. She wasn’t even his girlfriend. She was just his tenant. But suddenly he hated that there was distance between them.
He drove by her place a few times, just to check on her, he told himself, but he never saw her outside. In fact, the only light on in the whole place was in the room that he knew she used as her painting studio. In fact, he could see her shadow moving across the window as she worked feverishly. Since they first began their fake relationship, she had never been hard to get in touch with. She had always called him right back and gladly agreed to whatever he needed from her. In fact, he had come to count on her to be there when he needed her in the way that he had not let himself do in a very long time. He was not a man who needed others, yet somehow he had come to need her.
On the fourth day of no response from her, he couldn’t take it anymore. He drove to her home, not knowing exactly what he would do. He needed to see her and hear her voice. He needed to know for sure that she was alright. After all, even if she was just lost in her work, she had been that way for days. It wasn’t healthy. She needed food and rest or she was going to drive herself to exhaustion. On impulse, he stopped on the way there to pick up take out. That way, at least he would have a peace offering in case she was upset he had interrupted her.
When he knocked on the door, he half expected her not to answer him. After a few minutes, he was preparing to pound even louder if needed, but he saw the knob move and suddenly there she was standing in front of him. It was clear she wasn’t sleeping. Though she was just as beautiful as ever, there were dark circles under her eyes. Her clothing was covered in paint and there was even a bit of green paint in her hair.
“Hi,” she said, looking surprised to see him. She didn’t look unhappy though. In fact, for a moment she gave him that lovely genuine smile he had come to crave from her.
“I haven’t heard from you in a few days. I was getting worried.”
“Sorry about that. I’ve been meaning to call you back but I got carried away,” she told him as she gestured to her paint-splattered appearance.
“I’m guessing you haven’t eaten either.”
“Does a bowl of cereal last night count? That’s the only thing I remember eating in days. I should’ve warned you. I go down the painting rabbit hole some days. I lose track of time and everything else but my work.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” he said, though it was a lie. He desperately wanted an explanation for why she was withdrawing from him. It seemed like there had to be more to it, but he was afraid to press her. Dylan needed her to invite him inside. He needed an evening in her presence.
“All the same, sorry if you worried.”
“Well, I did grab food on the way over. When I lose myself in work, I tend to forget to eat too.”
She eyes the bag in his hand hesitantly, as if she was unsure about accepting his offer of dinner. Given how hungry she must have been, that was definitely a red flag. After what felt like ages, she finally stepped back from the doorway and gestured for him to come inside.
“Are you thinking of dying your hair green?” he asked as he pointed to the large strand covered in moss colored paint.
“Green is the worst color of oil paint to work with. It gets on everything and it never comes out,” she said playing with the hair in annoyance. “I can’t tell you how many pairs of jeans I have with permanent green splotches on them.”
It felt nice to have the conversation between them flowing again. It felt natural, though there was still an underlying tension that he didn’t understand. It was as if the other night had changed something between them, and not for the better. He knew she was working and still had a lot to do to prepare for her show.
“Is it ok if I join you for dinner or would you rather I leave the food and go?”
It was hard for him to suggest it. She hadn’t shown him any of her new works yet, though he was eager to see them. Sarah wanted everyone in the crowd at her show to see them for the first time together.
“Sure, you drove it the whole way over here. You should eat something. I am guessing you haven’t eaten yet either,” she answered. She gathered plates and cups from the cupboard and poured them each a glass of iced tea while he put the food on the plates. There was something so deliciously domestic about the moment that he had the sudden desire to capture it on film.
“I haven’t had anything since breakfast. My day was loaded with meetings. How is the art for your show coming along?”
Suddenly, he realized he might not even be at that show supporting her. If he had the job by then, there would be no need to continue the ruse. Besides, it wasn’t likely she would want a fake fiancée on the most important night of her career. She wouldn’t want to wear his ring and pretend to love him when the evening should be focused on her brilliance. It was a hard thought to accept. Each time he had pictured her show, he had seen himself there by her side to support her in her moment of glory.
“It’s going well, I guess. I just feel like I am never going to have enough time to do it justice. I so desperately want everything to go perfectly. If I don’t impress everyone, it’ll be a very long time before I get a chance like this again. I need the critics to be positive so the art collectors will be willing to buy my work. I usually only paint what inspires me. Now, I am trying to please an audience. It’s getting in my head.”
She stopped and eyed him for a moment, as if she wasn’t sure she should speak the thought in her head aloud.
“You probably don’t want to hear any of this. Sorry,” she mumbled as she took another sip of tea and shifted around awkwardly in her chair.
“Of course I do. I love hearing you talk about your art.”
“Since when?” she asked, clearly talking about much more than this one conversation.
“Since I came to understand that your passion and devotion to it rivals my own for my career. I might not understand art but I can respect it. And I enjoy hearing about it. Until the day that you brought that painting to my office, I don’t think I fully understood your devotion to your art. ”
“Oh,” she said, turning her eyes away from him to stare out the window at the setting sun.
“You aren’t sleeping.”
It seemed like a silly thing to say when they both knew it was true. But he felt like the words had to be spoken.
“No, I’m not.”
“Is it because of the show? Are you worried about it?”
“It isn’t just that,” she told him wearily.
“Then what is it? I’m here for you.”
“That’s the problem,” she told him. She dropped her fork and stood up from the table.
“What are you talking about,” he said. He stood and followed her as she crossed the room.
“You, me, us. That is the problem. This isn’t real.”
“No, it isn’t, but we both knew that when we made this deal of ours.”
Even as he spoke the words, he wasn’t sure if they were true. The lines between them had blurred and it was hard to tell what was real and what was for show. All he knew for sure was that his life was better with her in it, but he didn’t know how to let himself be vulnerable enough to tell her that.
“That’s not what I am talking about.”
“Then explain.”
He heard his voice rising in what sounded like anger and frustration. It wasn’t anger he was feeling, though. It was panic and fear. It felt like she was about to walk out of his life and the thought of losing his fake fiancée was harder to accept than the end of any of the real relationships he had had in his life.
“I’m getting too comfortable. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I’m counting on you.”
“And that is a problem?” he asked her. Each of those sounded like a good thing.
“Yes, a big problem. I take care of myself and I only count on myself. If I get comfortable with you, it’s going to be so much harder when this ends. I can’t depend on you. Because this isn’t real. I don’t get to keep you.”
He was shocked. Where was this all coming from? They had never had a bad time together. All he had given her were compliments and support. She had no reason to be mad at him and no reason to demand more than they had agreed on. He couldn’t be more than he was, no matter how much he might want to be.
“Are you actually angry with me?”
“No!” she said, looking truly shocked. “I’m mad at myself. I’m usually so careful about protecting myself. But I’m letting my guard down with you all of the time. It feels so nice to act like we’re a team, truly partners. Every work event I go to with you is wonderful. That is the problem. I’m fooling myself as much as I’m fooling your boss. And frankly, you are fooling me and yourself with the way you are with me.”
“I am so confused,” he blurted out. “All I have done is what we agreed on.”
“So am I. That’s the problem. When we are together, it feels real. There is more happening here than just our little charade. You know it as well as I do.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
“Yes. It has an expiration date. You might think that you want this, but that isn’t going to last. You have a very concrete vision for your future. There’s no way I could ever be a part of it.”
“I don’t exactly see you making room in your future plans for me either,” he snapped.
“No, I’m not. I have a plan, just like you do. I have to put everything into my career. I can’t go falling in love with you only to have both of us let down in a few months when we realize that this was all just a combination of sex and comfort.”
He wanted to argue with her. He wanted to grab her and kiss her and convince her that this was not a temporary thing. His heart called out to him to, for once in his life, listen to it and show the woman in front of him that he could be the man she needed.
Instead of listening to it, though, he listened to the logical thoughts coming from his brain. She was right, he told himself. There was no future for them. There wasn’t even a present. It was all an illusion that they had used to trick others and themselves.
“So our deal’s off?”
It was honestly the last thing he cared about. The job was the farthest thing from his mind. That was enough to convince him that she must be right. It wasn’t normal for him to be so infatuated with her. It was just the uniqueness of the situation. It was new to them both and neither of them knew how to handle the combination of the counterfeit actions and their real attraction to each other.
“No. We’re so close to the end of this that I doubt there’s much left to do. They’re going to give you that job in a matter of days. I’ll be by your side when they do. I just can’t keep playing your fiancée when nobody is looking. It isn’t healthy for either of us.”
The thought hurt him. He had come to enjoy their private moments together. She was the only person he let his guard down around. The moment he thought it, though, he realized that she was right. It was a problem because she was not his fiancée or loving partner. She was someone who was doing him a favor and who would go back to her own life when it all ended.
“There is a reception at work honoring Talbot in a week. I think that’s when they will make the announcement. If you can get through that night, then we should be good.”
“I can’t pretend that you haven’t become a fixture in my life. As nice as it might feel in the moment, it isn’t the deal we made. We need space.”
She was right. He knew it. Since Sarah has agreed to his fake proposal, his entire life has been turned upside down. He had been prepared to hate it but that wasn’t the case at all. There was a warmth to having such a relationship in his life, even a fake one. He had gotten caught up in it and dragged her along with him.
“This is because I kissed you the other night, isn’t it?” he asked, needing to understand how she had come to see the problems between him before he had.
“It wasn’t when you kissed me, though that was a very memorable kiss. It was when I fell asleep on your shoulder. I don’t sleep next to anyone. I never feel comfortable enough around anybody to do something like that, but I did with you. I lay my head on your shoulder and drifted off like we were longtime lovers. It felt so good until the moment I remembered that none of this was real.”
“I don’t think Talbot and Grace helped the situation,” he observed.
She gave him a sad smile and nodded her head in agreement.
“It’s impossible to be around a love like that and not convince yourself you want that too. Wanting it and getting it are two very different things. Trying to convince yourself that you could have something like that is a dangerous thing. That’s how hearts get broken.”
“You know, I have always looked at love as a dangerous thing.”
He couldn’t even look at her when he said the words. This wasn’t something that he shared with others but he needed her to know that it wasn’t her that kept him from being able to have more. She wasn’t the problem. He was.
“And you were right.”
She didn’t look happy that they were in agreement. Tears were shimmering in her eyes.
“I know. I think the desire for it is like slowly being poisoned to death. You don’t even feel the effects until one day you are longing for the impossible and ignoring the realities of your life. I have no plans to live that way. I should thank you for putting the brakes on this when you did. I think you have saved us both a great deal of trouble down the road.”
“I am glad you agree with me.”
She didn’t look glad, though. She looked like she was about to cry. Sarah wrapped her arms around herself, as if to give herself a bit of comfort. He ached to hold her and put her at ease.
“For an artist, you really are a very rational woman.”
“Not that rational. I had myself half -convinced I was falling in love with a man who was only pretending to be my fiancée. I should have done a better job of setting boundaries between us.”
“Me too. I think we both got swept away in it. We both know what this truly is. Thank you for making me face that.”
He didn’t want to thank her. He wanted to kiss her until she let go of every rational thought and told him she wanted him, needed him, as much as he needed her. But she had made her feelings clear. He needed to accept that. They were business partners in this situation. No more, no less. Well, perhaps a bit more. He liked to think they were at the very least friends.
“I have been wrestling with it for days. Getting lost in the fantasy of having an adoring fiancée who thinks
I am the most attractive person in the room is an alluring thought. I just can’t live my life for half-truths and fairytales. I have fought too hard to be independent to do that.”
“I know exactly how you feel. I do hope that you consider me a friend.”
He knew it was a bit childish after she had just told him she needed space, but he needed to hear her say it. He needed to know he was more than just her landlord.
“When we started this, I could barely imagine sharing a meal with you. Now, I want to be around you all the time. I’m not sure if friendship is the right word, but you are much more than just my landlord. That’s the whole problem.”
With that, a single tear rolled down her cheek and the internal struggle she was facing was written all over her face. Given how he felt inside, he wasn’t sure he looked much better.
“I should let you get back to your work. Sorry I interrupted your painting.”
“I’m not. I’ve been missing you for days.”
Hearing her say that didn’t make leaving any easier. Getting up and walking out was the very last thing he wanted to do. In her presence, he had come to feel whole; he had no desire to give that up. He knew she hadn’t set out to make him want more, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Neither of them had realized how dangerous they might be to each other when they set their plan in motion. The idea of loving each other had been a foreign thing then. Now, it felt like it was just within reach and that was even more terrifying.
“Staying away from you is going to be hard,” he admitted.
“It’s been hard to take the time and space to put this in perspective, but it’s best for both of us. If we go further down this road, we’re going to go someplace we can never come back from.”
He wanted to ask her what place that was. Dylan wanted to hear her every thought and fear.. He had no right to hear them. Pushing her further would only make things more complicated.
“I’ll see you at the final reception, then.”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Do you want to pick me up or should I meet you there?”