by Carl Purcell
“I understand.” Rebecca stood up. “I'm ready to keep going.”
They began jogging again. Rebecca tried to make conversation with Jin as they went but he told her not to talk. He said it would use up her energy and she should just breathe and focus on jogging. Rebecca did as she was told but she didn't like the silence. She had always lived in the city and, even when it was quiet in the city, it was never silent. The castle was never silent either and she liked being reminded that there were people around her, moving busily and living their lives. The only person she knew of near her was Jin and the only sound was the soft, irregular patting of their feet on the dirt and grass.
She managed to push herself to go the rest of the distance without breaking. Jin told her he was impressed by her stamina.
“Most squires cannot make it with only one break when they start.”
“Really? Well, I was always pretty good at sports.” Rebecca sat down and panted heavily. Jin happily took the chance to rest this time. He looked just as tired as Rebecca. There was a spring of cool fresh water at the foot of the mountain not far from their path. They drank from it and rested a while longer. Then they stood up and began the journey back to the castle.
“When we get back I'm going to see Edward. After I've showered I'm going to get him to let me see Ashley.”
“Is that the little girl?”
“Yeah. I haven't been able to see her since we got here. Lord Edward seems very serious about letting her study in the Tower.”
Rebecca showered. The early morning trip to the mountain and back had left her sweaty and she felt unbearably gross. She also felt as if she was about to do something grand and worthy of pristine cleanliness. She was looking forward to seeing Ashley again and even though it hadn't been more than a few days it felt as if they'd been a world apart for weeks. That was why she dressed herself and checked herself thoroughly in the mirror. When she finally felt as if she looked respectable in her dress, she left her room and went to see Lord Edward. He was waiting in his office with nothing needing his attention but a deck of cards which arranged themselves in a pyramid in front of him.
“Simple tricks are wonderful practice for keeping focused. You stop paying attention and suddenly all the magic fades.” Lord Edward looked away from his house of cards and they immediately fell. “I saw you out early today. Where were you going?”
“Jin took me out to the mountain. I asked him to teach me the things your knights learn.”
“Is that right? I don't think we've ever had a woman training with the knights. In fact, I think tradition forbids a woman from becoming a knight.”
“Look, I'm not trying to interfere with your order or anything.” Rebecca had considered pointing out the obvious sexism but decided against it. She really didn't want to get involved in anything political and she didn't want to be a knight, anyway.
“Relax.” Edward smiled. “I'm not accusing you of anything. Now, what can I do for you?”
“Ashley.”
“Of course. I promised that you'd be able to see her and I am a man of my word.”
“Good. Then I'd like to see her.”
“And you will. In fact I'll arrange for her to have dinner here in the castle tonight. Everything will be taken care of and you'll see that everything is alright.” That was an odd choice of words. Rebecca hadn't been worried things weren't alright. She just wanted to see Ashley.
“Why can't I see her now?”
“She'll be busy right now. You go and entertain yourself for the rest of the afternoon. Tell my secretary to call Jin if you like. I'll go over to the Tower, myself, and make sure Ashley is sent up here to my office just before dinner. Okay?” Rebecca waited for more. Lord Edward went back to his house of cards and said nothing.
“Alright.” Rebecca didn't say any more and left. Something was different about Lord Edward that afternoon but she couldn't quite place it. He talked the same, acted the same, smiled the same and was just as politely casual as he always was. But there was something subtle, maybe in the way he sat or the way he looked at her. Whatever reasons Lord Edward had for getting rid of her, Rebecca wasn't sad to be away from him. She did as he'd suggested and asked his secretary to call Jin. She got on the phone and summoned him to Lord Edward's office and he arrived quickly. Then, before he could say anything, Rebecca left Lord Edward's personal floor of the castle.
“Are you alright?” Jin asked.
“Edward was acting weird.”
“Was he?”
“Yeah. I don't know why. It didn't seem bad, more like he was keeping something from me.”
“Maybe he has got a surprise for you.”
“Maybe. I don't know.”
“Don't worry about it. Come with me. I have got something else to show you today.”
“Alright.” Rebecca followed Jin down to the entrance hall and then through a corridor beneath the stairs. There were no doors or other corridors leading from that one. The corridor ended in an old cage elevator that was small and would have been cramped with any more than two people. The elevator and the corridor it was attached to seemed out of place as if they were an afterthought years after the castle had been built.
The elevator stopped at a level beneath the ground. The room it opened to was long, white and well lit.
“What is this place?” Rebecca asked.
“This is one of the many places we train. This room is for swordplay.” He stepped out of the elevator and then waited for her. Rebecca walked past him and scanned her surroundings. The back wall was lined with weapon cases, each displaying its contents under glass. The guns were arranged smallest to largest and then jumped back to smallest and started again as the room stretched on. Opposite the weapon cases were elevated platforms separated by two walls. Ear muffs hung on one side of each wall, one for each platform. Beyond them was a row of dummies running the length of the room and each one was riddled with holes. Rebecca had never been in a place like this but she knew she was standing in a firing range.
“Why did you bring me down here?”
“This is the most important part of practice for all the knights —more vital to what we do than being strong, running to mountains or dodging knives. Time has seen the battle field change in only one way and that is in the swords we use.” Jin walked over to a weapons case and lifted the glass.
Rebecca stepped up onto one of the platforms and looked down at the dummy. The muscles in her arms began to ache at the thought of trying to shoot something that was so far away - even a dummy. Jin came up behind her with the chosen weapon.
“Try this one.” Rebecca turned around and looked down at the pistol in his hand.
“Jin, there's no way I could even hold that.” The weapon in his hand looked like the ones she'd seen knights carrying before. The barrel was shining and had an engraving on the side: Is fhearr fheuchainn na bhith san duil. The handle was white, and marked with a coat of arms unique to the branch of the order it belonged to.
“Try it,” Jin repeated. Rebecca picked it up, surprised at the ease with which she could lift it. Her hands barely fit around the handle but she just managed to get her fingers on the trigger.
“What does this writing on the side mean?”
“It's better to try than to hope. It's written in Gaelic.”
“I guess that's good advice.” She turned and aimed at the dummy. Rebecca aimed as best she could. She closed one eye and looked along the top of the gun, levelling it with the body of her target. She fired. Her whole body was lifted and kicked backwards by the recoil. Jin caught her and stood her up on the platform again.
“That is the weakest grip I have ever seen. How can you expect to hit anything if you are not holding the sword and yourself steady?”
“My wrists hurt. I told you this was too much.”
“Try again.” Rebecca sighed and did as Jin instructed. This time she held on tight and dug her rear heel into the ground. She leaned forward slightly and aimed again. She fired. The gun
flung back and smacked her in the face. She dropped it. She fell backwards again. Even dazed as she was, she could hear the sound of Jin's laughter.
“Your nose is bleeding,” he managed to choke out before returning to laughing.
“Thanks.” Rebecca wished she hadn't dropped the gun so she could use it to threaten Jin and make him stop laughing. She had the feeling that he'd given her something too powerful just to see her get hurt. Even if he hadn't meant it, he sure did sound as if he was pleased with himself.
Rebecca picked herself up and slapped Jin across the shoulder.
“Shut up.” She covered her nose with her hand and looked for something to wipe away the blood. Finding nothing, she chose to use the sleeve of Jin's shirt. That made him stop laughing and he shouted something in Chinese. Rebecca started to laugh a little with the satisfaction that only sweet revenge can give.
“Alright,” Jin said, as he examined the new stain on his sleeve. “The bathroom is down there. Go clean your face and I will get you a smaller sword.” Rebecca did so and when she returned Jin handed her a new weapon. “Most knights use an arming sword like this one. Do you think you can manage it?”
“I'll try.” Rebecca was happy to find her hands fit around the arming sword and she stepped up to the platform with more confidence this time. She aimed. She fired. The bullet pierced the dummy's wrist.
“Good shot,” Jin said.
“I was aiming for its chest.”
“A hit is a hit. You won't see him holding a weapon in that hand. Try again, but try holding it like this.” Jin squeezed onto the platform and adjusted her hands on the pistol grip. When he was done, Rebecca felt as if she had a better hold on her weapon. This time she struck the dummy's stomach. “Where were you aiming that time?”
“The chest again.”
“Well, you probably did enough to put him on the ground, but we can improve your aim.”
“Would he be dead?” Rebecca asked before Jin could step onto the platform again.
“He would be dying.”
Rebecca turned around. “Before we came here...” She paused. She realised she hadn't thought about that night at the hotel since it happened. She'd practically forgotten it had ever happened. “Before we came to China, Ashley and I were attacked by Thralls. I killed one of them. He was standing there and I shot him. I killed someone just like that. All it took was me twitching my finger and I killed someone.”
“Rebecca, I'm sure you-” Her eyes were turning stark and hollow as she quietly relived the moment in her mind.
“I never thought I'd be able to kill someone. I didn't want to kill anyone. Oh god, I'm a murderer.” Rebecca slumped against the wall of her platform.
“You must have had a good reason to do it.”
“When it happened I thought I was protecting Ashley. We had to get away from them. I couldn't let them get her.”
“Is that not a good reason?”
“That's not true, though. I wanted to kill him. If I just wanted to get away I could have shot him in the leg or I could have shot nothing to scare him away and bring help. But I just wanted to see him die for... for coming near us. I wanted to kill him just because he was there and I could.”
“I don't know what it is like to kill someone. I have never been in a fight. But if I ever had to kill a Thrall I would do it without a thought.”
“That's sick.”
“Death is what happens in war and we are fighting a war. But we are on the right side. We are the good guys in this war. If we do not do what we have to do, then lots more people will die.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just know. Sometimes you do not have any choice and you do what you have to. If you did not kill that Thrall he would have killed you and taken Ashley, no matter where you shot him. They say the Sorceress used her magic to make the Thralls unstoppable, strong, and fast, right up until they die.” Jin paused. Rebecca kept silent. She was thinking over everything she'd done and everything Jin had said. She heard it again and again in her mind but she couldn't make sense of it. Killing was wrong and she was a killer. She was a murderer, a criminal … and she'd wanted to do it. “Would you do it again?”
“I don't know.”
“Would you let them take Ashley?”
“No.”
“Then doesn't that mean you would do it again?”
“But...”
“Whatever you felt at the time, you did what you had to do to protect her. Just like I would do what is necessary to protect the world. Your reasons do not matter.”
“Don't they?”
“Why don't you decide that?” Jin took the handgun from Rebecca and put it away. Then he grabbed her hand and walked her back to the elevator. “No more swords today. You should rest.”
“I think I will.”
Rebecca went back to her room and lay on her bed. She couldn't get what happened out of her mind and she considered it until she fell asleep. She never could decide if she was right or wrong in what she had done, only that she had done it. Thinking about it was hard and confusing and in the end she didn't want to think about it more than she wanted to know if killing a Thrall was alright. She slept and she dreamed dreams she couldn't remember and awoke to the call of her body crying out to be fed. Rebecca realised, as she stood up, that she hadn't eaten that day and now she was starving. The hunger reminded her that she had to go to dinner with Lord Edward and Ashley. She looked at the clock on her wall and then, in spite of the pain, she put on her shoes and practically ran to the top of the castle where she would finally get to see Ashley again. When Rebecca came up the final flight of stairs and burst into Lord Edward's foyer the receptionist stopped typing and she could hear Lord Edward's voice muffled by the door of his office. The receptionist eyed her and then returned to typing. She was always typing and Rebecca wondered, as a passing thought, what she had to type. Maybe she was typing up dinner menus for the week. Or maybe she wrote letters to Edward's family to report on how things were in China. Every chance she was just pretending to work and looking at pictures of cats. Edward had admitted to having plenty of slow days in his job and so Rebecca wasn't sure what a receptionist would have to do when no one ever came to visit. Her train of thought ended when she had to talk.
“Could you tell Edward that I'm here?”
“I'm sorry. Lord Edward is not here. I can make a message for him if you want.”
“Edward is here. I'm eating dinner with him and Ashley.”
“Lord Edward isn't here and he did not say anything about dinner.”
“I know he's here because I heard him talking.”
“No. He is not here.”
“He's here and I'll show you.” Rebecca had not run through an over-sized house, up countless stairs and waited days to see Ashley only to be turned away by some low paid worker who could barely speak the same language as her employer. She walked over to the office door and opened it. The room was empty.
“You see? Nobody.”
“I heard him in there.”
“Lord Edward has not been here from this afternoon.” Rebecca stood at the door to the empty office with frustrated anger building inside her and no way to vent it.
Rebecca left. She considered going to eat dinner with the knights but she went past them and descended directly to the kitchens. After some issue finding someone who spoke English, a maid told Rebecca that she would bring food up to Rebecca's room. The ordeal did nothing for her nerves and she spent the rest of the evening in her room. When her food at last arrived she ate it and everything tasted bitter. She realised with seething hatred that once again she was powerless to do anything and once again she'd been forced to resign to her defeat. No. Not this time. This was just like falling over or getting punched in the gut. You get back up and you make it happen. She would go up there to Edward first thing in the morning and demand to see Ashley. She would not let him say a word unless it was 'right away, ma'am'.
Rebecca finished her food and she
made sure she enjoyed it. She knew it was silly but it was a small and meaningful victory over the world. If she could enjoy her dinner when the rest of the world was against her, then just maybe she could do anything. Maybe it was small but it was meaningful and that was enough. She put on her pyjamas and went to bed bitter and unsatisfied. She didn't sleep well that night but in her sporadic and restless sleep Rebecca saw herself and Ashley together and she dreamed of her mother there too. All three of them were somewhere warm and quiet on a picnic or maybe just watching the clouds – she couldn't quite remember – but they were all one big happy family.
Rebecca wasn't sure what it was that woke her the next morning. She thought she'd heard a knock on her door and after dragging herself out of bed and across the room like a sloth, she opened the door on an empty hallway. Turning back to her room and gazing wearily at the curtains drawn across her window, she could see the day was bright outside. This realisation snapped her mind into action and her resolution of the night before stoked the fires inside her. In an instant she felt awake and she was ready. She didn't shower and didn't stop for breakfast that morning. As soon as she was dressed and the laces on her boots were fastened, she was marching up stairs towards Lord Edward's office. The foyer was exactly as she had left it.
“I want to see him,” Rebecca demanded of the receptionist.
“He is very busy this morning.”
“I don't care. You're going to let me see him.” The receptionist stared sternly at Rebecca as if she didn't want to repeat herself. Rebecca glared back with equal intensity and twice the determination. The receptionist buckled first and picked up her phone. There was a ringing from Lord Edward's office. When it ceased the receptionist spoke into it in Chinese. The conversation sounded almost like an argument and Rebecca waited impatiently for it to finish. When it had, the receptionist looked at Rebecca and faked a smile. The effort was pathetic.
“Please sit. Lord Edward will see you soon.”
“Thank you.” Rebecca thought it only fair to be as equally false as the receptionist. Some time passed before she heard Lord Edward beckoning her from the door to his office. For the entirety of her wait, Rebecca stared intently at the receptionist until the woman felt so uncomfortable in the same room with her that she made some excuse to dash out.