I’m barely able to mumble, “Night.” The eight letter words that I wish I could say to him are on the tip of my tongue, but they never come out. I don’t want to ruin this moment. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like, but tonight I’m happy in the arms of the man I love.
The sunlight streaming in from the panoramic windows wakes me up. I’m disoriented at first, but once my brain wakes up, too, everything from last night comes rushing back. I can’t believe that I was brave enough to take control, or rather pretend to take control, of the situation. Jax never really gave me the control I thought I had. I can still feel his hands on me. I loved the way he touched me, leaving my skin on fire, desperate for more.
I open my eyes, but then close them for another minute or two against the glaring sunlight. Once I’m able to remove the pillow from my face without wincing, I roll over. I expect to feel Jax beside me, but instead my hand touches a cold bed. It’s obvious that he’s been up for awhile.
Not caring about the bright morning sun, I sit up hoping that I will hear him making breakfast or something romantic, but I already know it’s wishful thinking. I’m not surprised when I’m met with silence. He’s gone. The sinking feeling in my chest lets me know how very wrong I was about last night, but I don’t regret any of it. How could I? I was finally able to have a small glimpse of how Jax really thinks of me.
Needing last night to mean something to him, too, I desperately search around the bed for a note that I never find. I’m not even ashamed that I lift each pillow and rip the blankets off the bed . . . twice. Still no note. Now the regret rolls in. I focus on how Jax made me forget about everything last night and made me feel. Really made me feel in the first time in . . . I don’t even know how long. There’s no way I can regret what happened last night between us even if it didn’t mean the same to him. How could it?
My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at once. I’m too distracted to notice anything but getting out of here as fast as I can as I hurriedly walk into the bathroom. Peeling the wrapper off one of several spare toothbrushes, I refuse to acknowledge why he has so many extras. I focus on the task at hand. I close my eyes while I brush my teeth because I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror. I’m afraid of what I’ll see in my reflection. As I open my eyes to spit, I spot a pile of my clothes on the sink with a note on top.
I pause, toothbrush in hand, and gape at the note. Without reading it, I recognize my favorite pair of shorts, and an old Ramones T-shirt, with a matching bra and panty set. I blush thinking of Jax going through my drawer just to find a matching pair. That’s the only thing I don’t have color-coordinated. I just toss them in my top drawer. Awesome. I have no idea how he was able to get all of this over here, but then it’s Jax. He’s capable of anything.
After getting dressed, I tuck the note in my back pocket and decide that I’ll read whatever he has to say when I get home. I’m too afraid to read it while I’m here. Glancing around his room for the first time since I woke up, I’m not even a little surprised that my entire outfit from last night is missing. In its place is my favorite red purse and black Toms. At least he’s thoughtful about my morning-after outfit. Points to him.
I paint a smile on my face that I’m not feeling as the elevator doors open. When I spot the doorman, I beam at him, my exit only a few footsteps away. As he holds the door open for me, I’m caught off guard to discover Jax’s driver waiting patiently for me. I’m tempted to hail down a taxi just to spite Jax, but I don’t want his driver, Henry, to think I’m mad at him. I really like Henry, always have.
Swallowing my pride, I close the distance between Henry and me. “Thanks, Henry, but can you do me a favor?”
“Whatever it is, consider it done, Adalynn,” he says in his British accent. If he wasn’t happily married, I have no doubt that he would be as big of a player as the boys.
“Next time call me so that you’re not just waiting out here.” He seems confused so I add, “I was just going to get a taxi. You didn’t have to wait here to take me home, I’m a big girl.”
If it’s even possible, he looks more confused than before. He opens his mouth to say something but stops when the back door opens from the inside. I’m so startled to see Jax waiting for me that I nearly fall flat on my butt. And when I say nearly, I mean if Henry didn’t step in to catch me, I would have been mortified.
“Why are you in the car?” I accuse more than ask.
Jax counters with a smirk. “Why aren’t you in the car?” he asks while extending his hand out for me.
I smack it out of the way. “I got it.” He gives me another one of his classic smirks and I roll my eyes at him.
Getting in the car was a lot easier than thinking of what to say to him. My mind tries to piece together an explanation, but I can’t come up with anything to explain why he’s sitting next to me. I give up quickly and cross my arms over my chest and wait. He obviously has something to say to me or he wouldn’t be here.
I should have read the stupid note before I got into the elevator!
Following my lead, he leans against his door to fully face me, too. Right when I think he’s going to say something, he winks. Actually winks! What I wouldn’t do to give him a nice hard kick to the balls.
“Ouch. What has your panties in a twist today?” he asks.
It isn’t until he places a hand in-between his legs to protect himself that I realize I said that out loud.
I just glare at him. I hate when he does that stupid raised eyebrow thing. I want to smile. Ugh, he’s annoyingly charming. I need to wait him out. I’m not going to break under the pressure.
As he stares intently into my eyes like he did last night, the memories come crashing down. My face heats up as I blush a deep crimson, remembering everything that happened, and it suddenly gets way too hot in this air conditioned car. Needing a distraction from the staring contest, I take in his appearance for the first time today. Which of course is a huge mistake. Why didn’t I just look out the window instead of at him? He’s too hot for his own good. He’s wearing his dark blue jeans that I know hug his ass in that sexy way only he seems to be able to pull off and a faded black Superman shirt that makes his green eyes stand out in contrast.
Looking back up at his face is an even bigger mistake. He’s studying me in a way that makes me think he can see right through my soul. Remembering the way he drank me in last night right before his lips trailed up my legs, I bite my bottom lip to keep from making any embarrassing sounds. My body temperature rises. I’m positive that he can hear my heart hammering through my chest. He licks his lips and I let out a barely audible moan.
He isn’t even touching me and yet every time his eyes sweep over me, I can feel it like a caress. I somehow find the will power to break the trance he has me under and turn towards the window. My body burns so I rest my forehead against the cold glass as I watch the city zoom past us. I can’t focus on a single thing going on outside of this car. However, I’m more than fully aware of everything inside it. Without taking my head off the window, I can feel him stretch out his legs. He must have pressed a button because suddenly the privacy window slides up.
“Fuck it.” Jax nearly growls and that’s the only warning I get before he is on me.
His tongue takes full advantage of my gasp. His kiss is anything but gentle. It’s almost like he’s mad that he’s kissing me and is taking it out on me. Fine by me. He can take it out on me whenever he wants if this is how he’s going to do it. I dig my nails into his biceps, trying to hold on as he kisses me passionately.
I angrily grab his face and kiss him back. I take out all of the conflicting emotions swimming inside of me, out on him. We become each other’s oxygen supply. He breathes me in and then breathes the air into my lungs. Repeat. We’re both running out of air, but neither of us makes a move to slow down the kiss. We can’t. It’s all-consuming. The kiss starts to transform from sexual frustration to something more.
Something much, much more.
&n
bsp; Something that terrifies me.
I pull away and study his face. I need to know that I’m not just imagining this. I need to know that he’s feeling the weight of this just as heavily as I am.
He caresses my face and smiles at me. “You’re my light,” he says simply before kissing me again.
I know what he means because I feel exactly the same way about him. He’s my light that shines through all of the darkness.
Chapter Nine
He guides me against the back seat and hovers over me. I know that he needs me to say something, but I can’t. I have no words. I’m at war with my mind and my heart. I know what I want to say, but I can’t tell him how much he means to me. I don’t deserve to ask for more from Jax.
“Don’t,” he says as if reading my mind.
“I can’t, Jax,” I say, full of regret.
He knows that I can’t do this, I’m not ready, but I can’t seem to stop either. I’ve gotten so used to building walls, brick-by-brick, that it seems impossible to let someone in. Even Jax. With each brick that he has broken down over the years, another one replaces it. As much as I want to tear down all of my walls for him, I can’t trust him to catch me. Every time I do, he disappears.
“Let go.” I barely have time to process what he’s saying before he’s kissing me again.
Everything slips away with his hands caressing my face while his tongue tangles with mine in a soul shattering kiss. I’m almost out of air, but I don’t dare stop him. Reading my mind again, he eases up and leaves a wet trail of kisses down my chin, then across my jaw, and then he’s sucking on that spot right below my ear. I shiver as I dig my nails into his back. I bite my lip so hard to smother the moan that I cut it. He nips on the pulse point at my throat and I whimper.
“I want to hear you,” he whispers huskily into my ear and I almost combust on the spot.
Holy-hotness, just hearing him whisper to me in that voice is enough to make me cum. I’m vaguely aware that we’re still in a car. I try to be quiet but he rolls my earlobe with his teeth, making my last strand of willpower break. I moan loudly. He fondles my boobs over my shirt. I moan again, this time louder than the last. Jax forcibly grabs my face and swallows the rest of my sounds.
Not wanting to be the only one getting off, I finally manage to make my hands move to the hem of his Superman T-shirt, instead of clawing at his back like some wild animal. Knowing what I want, Jax lifts his body off me to help me take off his shirt, at least that what I assumed. When he doesn’t remove his shirt, but instead puts it back into place, I know this isn’t going where I thought it was.
“We’re back to this?” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond, either because he doesn’t hear me or because he doesn’t know what to say. I’m going with the latter.
I close my eyes because I know if I see him right now, I will more than likely punch him in his stupid, beautiful face. He moves his body weight off me. I sit up. He doesn’t need to say it, to tell me that the moment is gone. He surprises me by reaching for my hand, but like the child that I am, I snatch it back and turn so that I’m facing the window again.
I don’t need to say anything to Jax because he knows how I feel. If he wants to keep playing these hot and cold games with me, then fine. I’m done. And he wonders why I won’t let him in. Hmm that’s a tough one. I’m fine stewing in my anger all by myself, but when he chuckles, I lose it.
I turn around and surprise the both of us by slapping him across the cheek. I quickly get over my shock and close my mouth. I almost feel bad for how hard I slapped him. My palm stings and there’s a clear handprint on his cheek. But then I hear his chuckle in my head and I get angry all over again.
On its own accord, my hand goes to slap him again, but Jax is much faster than I am. He captures my wrist before it can connect with its target. All of my pent-up fury comes rushing forward and I try to smack him with my other hand. Just as quickly, he’s holding that wrist too. I can’t help it, I laugh. Wrong move.
He’s seething; his jaw keeps popping from clenching it too tightly. His entire body hums with anger, just like mine, but yet I can’t stop laughing. He narrows his eyes at me, which would make a lesser woman feel intimidated, and I laugh even harder. I don’t know what makes Jax more upset: me laughing at him or the fact that I slapped him. I’m gonna go with a little bit of both. His stern gaze reminds me of someone trying to throw daggers with their eyes.
Deep breaths. Control yourself. Repeating this mantra somehow helps me calm down.
“Oh God . . . It hurts . . . I better have abs for days,” I say once I’m able to catch my breath.
I playfully nudge Jax with my shoulder. The games is us, and as much as I hate them, I would hate for him to play with anyone else.
He nudges me back and I know I’m forgiven. How? I have no idea. I caress his still red cheek. It’s warm to the touch. I trace the outline of my hand with my fingertips. Before I even have a chance to apologize, he beats me to it.
“Don’t, Ads. It’s fine.”
Because I just can’t seem to help myself when it comes to hitting Jax, I lightly slap his other cheek. “I wasn’t going to apologize for hitting you, jackass. You deserved it . . . I just didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” Sarcasm drips from my voice. I go to move my hand, but before I do, he bites my palm with enough pressure to leave teeth marks. “Yeah, you definitely deserved that slap.”
As he moves closer to me, I notice that we’re stopped at Central Park. I give Jax my what-the-heck face because I have no idea why we’re here. I also have no idea how long we’ve been here because of course my full attention was consumed by The God-like creature next to me. I assumed he was taking me back to my apartment. Man, was I wrong. Maybe he didn’t deserve that slap after all? No, he deserved it. He’s had it coming for awhile now.
Jax smirks, gets out of the car, and offers me his hand once he comes around to my side. “Trust me,” he whispers into my ear before blindfolding me.
I try not to panic when my world submerges in darkness, but my body isn’t listening to me. I’m already sweating, my pulse beats rapidly. I’m positive I’m about to go into heart failure any second now. I can’t seem to breathe in enough air into my lungs. I remind myself that I’m out in the open with Jax to ward off the full-blown panic attic that is about to hit from memories of the car crash.
Jax is with me. I’m safe. He won’t let anything happen to me. Even as I repeat the words, I have vivid flashbacks from being trapped in the car that night. I can hear glass shattering, followed by an earth shattering scream, then silence. The silence is the worst. My body shakes involuntary. The memories reel me in and I lose the tiny hold I had on staying in the present.
I struggle to focus but something keeps blocking my view, making it impossible to see what is going on. I attempt to wipe whatever it is away, but my right hand isn’t working correctly. I try again and instantly feel excruciating pain. I scream at the top of my lungs. I struggle to use my other hand but I can’t . . . It’s stuck. I black out.
When I regain consciousness, whatever is gushing down my face has begun to dry. I lick my lips and taste blood. It dawns on me what my face is covered in. Blood . . . my blood. I know it isn’t good that I keep blacking out, and how much blood I’ve lost. The accident comes back full force and I’m suddenly aware of what’s happening.
The blinding light . . .
Glass shattering . . .
Screaming . . .
I turn to the right to see Hadley’s head down. She’s barely breathing. I panic. “Hadley!” I scream.
I want to reach her, but I can’t move. I’m trapped. The pelting of the heavy rain is the only noise not drowned out by my screaming. I can’t see my dad but I have a clear view of my mom. She’s hanging forward, not moving either. Darkness takes over again before I can scream for help again. . . .
I’m yanked back into reality when Jax’s lips press firmly to mine. It takes a while to kiss him back, but when my lips fi
nally move against his, he pulls back enough to whisper, “Stay with me. Don’t go away again,” against my lips and then he’s kissing me again.
The memories drift away, but continue to taunt me at the edge of the surface, never letting me forget. Being blindfolded doesn’t help, though knowing that Jax is here and understands helps keep the memories at bay.
“Trust me, Ads.” he murmurs into my ear.
I think I nod but I’m not sure. His hand grips mine. He lifts our intertwined fingers to his lips and kisses the back of my palm. I take another deep, calming breath, welcoming the clean air. As I breathe in, I breathe out the smell of burnt rubber that exist only in my memory. Jax leads the way to an unknown destination. I have a sinking feeling that he’s taking me to my favorite place in Central Park, but I have no way of knowing.
When I start to panic again, he squeezes my hand, letting me know that I’m safe. I focus on my breathing and the panic eases up. I know that we look ridiculous because we’re barely moving and we keep stopping every few feet so that I can catch my breath, but I don’t care. I’m conquering a fear of lack of control because of Jax. He’s extremely patient with me, always whispering sweet nothings into my ear to remind me where I am. If I was with anyone else, I seriously doubt that I would be able to do this without being trapped into the past.
As he continues to lead me around Central Park, I finally relax. The tension in my shoulders subsides and with each squeeze of Jax’s strong hand holding mine, my pulse slowly returns to a much more normal pace. Being blindfolded is still one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in awhile, but with each step, I feel stronger for being able to relinquish control to someone else.
Jax suddenly stops, spins me around and whispers, “Keep your eyes closed.” He kisses my neck and removes the blindfold.
I tell myself to count to ten. The entire time I remind myself to be patient, to do as directed. When I get to five, the urge to take a quick peek overwhelms me. When I make it to seven, I shake my head, realizing that I’m not patient, far from it. Very slowly I open my eyes and see a very amused Jax sitting on an ocean blue blanket.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 13