“He isn’t the monster you make him out to be,” I tell her as I pick up my purse.
She doesn’t seem convinced. “He hurt you.”
“It was a misunderstanding.”
“I don’t trust him!”
I shrug. “You don’t have to. You have to trust me.” I glance around and notice we’re making a scene. “I know you mean well, but causing problems between us isn’t going to help. You need to get over this, for me.”
“But what if—”
“No, Harper. You need to stop. I’m telling you, he isn’t like that.”
She searches my face for any sign of a lie. She finally nods. “You’re right, I’m sorry, Addie. Stay.”
My phone buzzes, I silence it. I’ll deal with Kohen in a minute. “No, I’m going to call it a night. I’ll talk to you soon.”
She moves to stand but I’m already leaving. I’m still pissed at her for texting him. She could have gone about it in a different way. Instead, she tried to make Kohen angry, and succeeded if the continuous calls from him are any indication. I don’t even have time to open the bar door before my phone rings again. I know I shouldn’t answer, but I do. I’d rather deal with him when we’re not face-to-face.
“I want you to leave now! I’m already on my way back to my place.”
He isn’t yelling, but he’s mad. Yup, answering was the wrong decision.
“Look, it was a joke. Calm down or I’m not going to see you.” I wait for a reply, but he doesn’t respond. “I’m already getting in a cab. Meet me at my place so we can talk.”
He hangs up. I throw my phone into my purse as I rave down a taxi. Once I’m settled in the backseat I rest my head against the cold glass. If he’s not at my place when I get home, then fine, we can talk tomorrow. I’m not showing up at his apartment to explain myself. When the cab pulls up to our building, I see him leaning against the brick. I shouldn’t have worried, Kohen isn’t the type to run away from his problems.
I grasp the straps of my purse, and square my shoulders. He doesn’t speak as he leads me into the elevator. It isn’t until we’re safely locked in my apartment that he breaks the silence.
“I don’t want you seeing Harper anymore. She’s a bad influence,” he says calmly as he hangs up my coat.
“You honestly think you have a right to dictate who I spend time with?”
When he turns around, he’s looking at me as if I’m stupid. “She hit someone. She didn’t care if she seriously hurt them, she just took off. Now she’s trying to start a fight between us. Why would you want to hang out with someone like that?”
My hands quiver while I listen to him. On a small level, I know he’s right, but he’s wrong about her.
“It was a fender bender, and she was terrified. It doesn’t justify what she did, but I can’t let one mistake ruin a friendship. If I did, would you seriously be standing here in front of me?”
His jaw tightens as his teeth grind together. I pissed him off. Good. He has no right choosing my friends.
“I just want what’s best for you, Addie. I don’t want you spending time with someone who could leave an accident without another thought. She’s a bad person.”
My throat feels dry because in any other circumstance, he would be right. But not now, not about Harper. She’s a good person, an even better friend.
“She’s my friend.”
He leads us to my bedroom. Silently, we get ready for bed together. I assume the fight is over, but as I climb into bed, I’m proven wrong.
“Just be safe when you’re around her. I don’t trust her.”
I don’t say anything. There’s no point in arguing with him. He joins me under the covers after setting the alarm on his phone. He pulls my head onto his chest and trails his fingers through my hair. As much as I want to, I can’t make my body relax into him. Instead I kiss him so he doesn’t think anything is wrong and face the other way.
His hand travels up and down my back. My body is at war with itself. It wants to rebel against his touch but it can’t. He brings me comfort. Slowly, at the speed of ice thawing, I melt into his touch.
Chapter Twenty-One
I add another five pounds to the weight machine. My arms shake from overuse, but I keep pushing, needing to focus on my muscles burning rather than the problems in my life. Kohen. Harper. Jax. In that order.
“Keep going like that, you’re going to hurt yourself, sis.”
“This is not my first time working out . . . I know, shocker.”
My brother stops what he’s doing and comes over to me. I’m too mad to care that I snapped at him. I ignore him as best as I can while finishing my current rep.
“For an athlete, you’re pretty stupid.”
I glare at my brother and move on to the next task. Squats. I hate squats. I sigh as I head towards the free-weight section of Logan’s home gym. Clutching the bar, I notice that my brother switched the weight for me. This simple task makes my anger die down a little, but I’m still ready to kill someone. Sadly, my brother witnesses my anger firsthand. I guess we know whose the better sibling.
“I’m not an athlete,” I remind him.
“Could have fooled me.”
“Whatever,” I say under my breath.
I know that Logan doesn’t deserve me acting like this, I really do, I just can’t help it. I’m so upset and I don’t know how to handle it. I even did a few laps in the pool earlier, but that didn’t help. If anything, swimming made it worse, because it reminded me of the root of the problem. Jax. It’s always Jax.
My brother does pull-ups while he watches me. He would always do this when we were younger. He would let me lash out at him and then wait for me to spill my guts. That’s not gonna happen this time. It can’t. I’m mad because of his best friend. Not something that I think he will want to hear. Plus I can handle it on my own. I’m not a child.
I snap, “What!”
“Nothing. You ready to tell me what’s wrong?”
I don’t say anything. I turn my head in search of a distraction. I need to keep busy. I need to find something to take my mind off everything. I still can’t believe swimming didn’t work. That would always do the trick. It’s because of Jax. He just had to be the one to get me back in the water. What a jerk!
I spot what I need in the corner. I eye my brother. He looks from me to the bag.
“We’re wrapping your hands, first.”
I mock salute him as I follow him over to the punching bag area in his private gym. I give Logan my hands so that he can wrap them up for me. When I’m all ready to go, my brother stands behind the bag and holds it for me.
“Lets see what you got, Ali.”
I plant my legs how he’s shown me and punch the bag as hard as I can. I’m not focused so the punch doesn’t do as much damage as it should have. I hit the bag again, this time with the result that I want. I picture the one person that I need to hit right now.
I see Jax’s stupid face instead of the black punching bag. I hit harder and harder each time. I imagine breaking his nose, hearing the crunch when my fist connects with it. I then land a kick. I can almost hear the grunt he would make if I landed it into his side instead of this bag.
“Adalynn, enough!” Logan snaps loudly enough to break through the mental image of me kicking Jax’s avoiding ass. I finally texted him back and he never responded! He texted me first!
I bend down at the waist, throw the gloves to the floor, and start peeling off the wraps. When my hands are finally free, I drop my head into my hands and scream. I let out the loudest, most frustrated scream anyone has ever heard. It would have done Hadley proud. I crumble to the floor on my knees, exhausted.
Logan crouches next to me. He doesn’t say anything, as he rubs my arm in a soothing manner while I let it all out. I scream for everything I lost, for my family, and for me. It’s then that I realize that I’m not only mad at Jax. I’m mad at them, too. I’m mad at them for leaving me.
I’m mad at my parents
and my sister. I’m mad that they’re not here and I am. I’m pissed that I survived. I’m mad that I had to listen to them suffer for hours while I sat there helplessly, unable to do anything but listen to them die. I’m mad at the world for going on and not realizing they were suffering, that my family was dying.
My body trembles in silent sobs. No tears come out. I won’t let them. Logan holds me tighter. Never saying anything, but saying everything in his embrace. I get myself under control after a while.
“Thanks.”
“It’s what I’m here for.” He kisses the top of my head. “Ready to talk about it, sis?”
I used to be able to tell him everything, but I can’t now. I want to, I really do, I just can’t, not about this. I give him a small smile that doesn’t feel right and shake my head.
“Okay then. Want me to guess?”
I narrow my eyes at him and get up. “I think our workout is done.”
“Good idea.” He hands me my water. “Now why don’t you go work things out with Jax.”
I spit water all over my brother while managing to choke at the same time. I was not expecting that. Logan smacks my back. I keep my back to him so he can’t see my shocked face.
“Wh-what?” I squeak out when I can breathe again.
Logan doesn’t answer me at first. I cross my hands over my chest and glare at my brother. I know what he’s doing. He’s stalling to lure a reaction out of me. I won’t fall for it. That’s what I tell myself, anyways.
“Well? Don’t shut up now. I know you are dying to tell me whatever is on your mind!”
“Huh?” he asks, playing dumb.
I’m not falling for it. Not this time. If he wants to say something, he will. I dry the sweat off with a towel then fling it at his head. He ducks, used to my tantrums.
“Okay, well, I’m out of here.”
“Bye.”
I stop and turn to him. Mouth dropped to the floor. I was not expecting that. I know I should leave. I don’t want to know what he has to say about Jax. I don’t want to fall for his stupid trap. I do anyways.
“Spit it out already, Logan.”
“Spit what out?”
“Don’t be a child. If you have something to say, say it.”
“Are you ready to talk yet?” he asks.
“Are you?” I challenge.
Together we sit on the floor against his panoramic window, with the view of the city behind us. I rest my head on his arm again and watch how the sun rays reflect off the punching bag’s metal chain.
“Something happened between you and Jax, didn’t it?” he asks.
I hold my breath. I don’t want to lie to my brother, but I can’t find the words to tell the truth. Saying yes would be so easy if things were different between Jax and I, but sadly things aren’t. My brother takes my silence as an answer.
“You want to talk about it?”
I sigh heavily. “There’s nothing to talk about because nothing happened.”
I’m not sure what my brother knows, but I do know that I won’t be giving any information out. Not about this.
“So you two just avoid each other for fun then?”
“I don’t . . . He’s the . . . Never mind, it doesn’t matter. We’re not avoiding each other.”
Logan studies me, which of course makes me uncomfortable. He frowns. I would cut off my left arm to read his mind. I feel like my brother just tested me on something and I want to know if I passed.
“That’s impressive.”
“What?” I ask, regretting it as soon as the word slips out of my mouth.
“That you say ‘it doesn’t matter’ like you believe it. Too bad I know something is going on between you two and you’re not okay with it.”
“We had a fight. We got over it. We’re not avoiding each other, we just haven’t been in the same room.” He avoids being anywhere I am and doesn’t respond to my texts or calls.
“You two aren’t talking, and you haven’t hung out in I don’t even know how long. Clearly you guys aren’t over it, Addie.”
I don’t bother objecting. There’s no point. Jax and I aren’t friends. That isn’t going to change. I’ve given him every chance in the world and he still avoids me. It sucks, but I’ve accepted it.
“He misses you.”
I laugh. “Right!” Sarcasm laces my voice.
“Even if he won’t admit it, he misses your friendship. Ever since you guys had your falling out months ago, he’s been different . . . lost almost.”
I desperately want his words to be true, but sadly they’re not. If they were, then Jax and I would have been able to get back to normal. We haven’t and it’s not from a lack of trying on my part, either.
“We were never that close,” I say, even though Logan won’t believe me. I don’t even believe myself. “If he’s lost, it’s not because of me. I’m just his best friend’s little sister. I’ve never been his friend.”
I hate how small my voice gets. That is what I fear most with Jax. That he puts up with me for Logan’s sake.
Logan gives me the-don’t-be-stupid look. “You two have been friends since childhood.”
“No, you two have been friends since childhood. I was the little girl that you let tag along.”
Logan stands. I take his offered hand.
“You are as much of his friend as I am. He needs you in his life, Addie, and I know you need him, too.” He gazes out at the city before he continues. “You two have been friends for so long. You shouldn’t throw that away over something stupid.”
“He told you why we got in a fight?”
“No, he didn’t have to. Whatever you guys fought over is stupid if you two aren’t talking. So swallow your pride and talk to him again.”
I let out my breath. I thought Jax told Logan about everything that happened between us. I’m relieved he didn’t. I don’t think my brother would take it badly, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to know that his best friend slept with his sister.
“It’s not pride. He just doesn’t want to fix things.”
“He’s your friend. Just call him.”
“I’ll think about it, that’s the best I can offer.”
“I’ll take it. Now that it’s settled, let’s talk about more important matters,” Logan says as he leads me to his living room.
Whenever I enter this room, one picture always steals my attention. The picture of our parents on their wedding day. They smile at each other, and in that one moment, the photographer captured the love my parents had for each other. It steals my breath away each and every time. I force myself to glance away and make my feet carry me to the grey couch.
“There’s more important matters than Jax and I making up? No!” I grab my chest dramatically.
Logan shakes his head at me, but I know he thinks I’m funny. It’s hard not to, I’m hilarious.
“The fundraiser tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what to say. I know it’s for a great cause. It raises money for foster care. My dad would be happy that we’ve kept it going, I just hate the looks I get from everyone there. I feel like I’m in that dream everyone has. The one when you show up to school naked and everyone points and laughs. Instead of being naked, I’m the girl who survived. Instead of laughing, everyone gives me sad smiles like they understand. They don’t.
“So will you?” Logan asks.
“What?”
“You really need to stop spacing out.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m working on it.” I roll my eyes at him. “Seriously, what’s up?”
Logan runs his hand through his buzzed cut brown hair. A gesture I know well. He’s stalling.
“I think you should give the speech this year.” He raises his hands up to stop me from interrupting him. “Before you say no and give me every excuse in the book, just think about it.”
“Besides the fact that everyone expects the speech to be by you, not me, I still can’t do it.”
“Why?”
>
“You do realize the event is tomorrow, right?” I ask him.
“Your point?”
“My point? Oh, I don’t know, maybe that I can’t write it, practice and in less than twenty-four hours give a speech that I’m not prepared for.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that, but what’s the real reason.”
Logan crosses his arms over his chest. I know he won’t drop this until I tell him why I can’t. My brother is stubborn.
“I just can’t give the speech. I can’t deal with the stares from everyone.”
“You can do whatever you set your mind to, Addie. And they’re not staring at you in the way you think. They’re staring at you because they can’t believe that after everything you’ve been through, you’re still here. It’s something we all admire, especially me.”
“With a speech like that, I can’t wait to hear what you come up with tomorrow.”
“So you won’t do it?”
I shake my head because that’s my usual answer. Each year Logan asks me and each year I say no. I know he thinks this year will be different. So far this year has been different. I’ve been different. But it’s still not the year for me to stand up in front of everyone and give a speech.
“Not this year, but maybe next year.”
Logan thinks about it for a second. “Fine, are you actually going to stay and listen this year?”
“I promise I’ll try. You know I hate these things.”
“No you don’t, you love them.”
“No, I love the pretty dresses. That’s about it. Everyone there is always so fake.”
“And you wouldn’t know anything about being fake in public?”
I shrug. We both know it’s true. I’m not the only one guilty of that though, everyone does it. Nobody wants the world to really see them. They want that one special person to break down the walls and accept them as they are. The only difference between everyone and me is that I don’t want anyone to break down my walls. I like them in their place. Without them I would be naked. Nobody has the patience to break down my walls anyway. With me, every brick that falls, another one comes back in its place.
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