“Please, Logan, just leave it be. Trust me, Jax and I are fine.”
“Then why do you need to leave?”
I chew on my lip, hating that I’m going to tell him an even bigger lie. It’s worth it. He can’t ruin his friendships because my heart got broken. That wouldn’t be fair to him.
“This,” I wave my hand around the ballroom, “is too much . . . I can’t handle it.” I look away, hating how his face crumbles with sadness.
His baby blues lock on mine, as if trying to read something I’m not saying. Fake smile firmly in place, I kiss him on the cheek, and flee.
Even though I am nowhere near Jax, his scent lingers on my skin from his hot breath on my neck. I need to get out of here.
On the ride back to my apartment building, I replay what Jax said to me, how he held me tonight. Suddenly I’m standing in front of my apartment. I let out a long breath at the front door. If go in, I know I’ll remember everything that Jax said to me the other night.
I vaguely remember unlocking my apartment. I slide to the floor. Kicking off my heels, I stare at my once blank wall. My new pictures make the place feel more like home and less like a hotel with my clothes hanging in the closet.
Studying the picture of my parents, I long for things to be different. I want to go back to a time that was simple, where my biggest problem was finishing my chores. I look at the photos of Hadley and Logan next. They’re reenacting the final dance from Dirty Dancing. These are the pictures that remind me of home. These are the pictures that take me away to a better place.
I can remember capturing each of these moments in time. I remember how happy everyone was. How happy I was. I remember my family. I let these memories carry me away, back to a home with a family, and far from the reality where my family is dead.
The loud banging on my front door breaks through my reprieve. I slowly get up. I can’t believe Logan left the fundraiser. Logan is usually pretty good at giving me space when I need it.
Jax’s voice stops me in my tracks as I near the door. “Ads, I know you’re in there. Let me in.”
I stand immobile. I said everything I had to say to him. There’s nothing left. I have no idea why he’s here. Please just go away. Maybe he’ll think I’m asleep and leave. Fat chance with him banging on my door. I can’t sleep through noise that loud, and usually I can sleep through anything.
“Ads, open the door. Let me tell you what I should have told you last night. Please let me in, Ads.”
I have every intention of staying right where I am and waiting him out. I tell myself that I’m just moving closer to the door to see make sure it’s locked.
It’s locked.
I knew it was. If I leave the door locked, he will just leave. We can eventually move past this. If I don’t open this door, everything will return to normal.
I unlock the door.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I don’t even have time to open the door all of the way before Jax rushes into the apartment. He has me pinned against the wall, kissing me in a matter of seconds. Stunned, all I manage to do is tilt my head back, welcoming his assault.
Jax makes the sexiest growl in the back of his throat before deepening the kiss. Winding my fingers into his soft, silky hair, I pull him closer to me, moaning when he bends down slightly and grabs the back of my thighs, lifting me up. Automatically my legs wrap around his waist.
Getting lost in the only man that I’ve ever loved, I don’t even realize that Jax has moved us from the wall until he opens my bedroom door. Before I know it, he’s laying me on my bed. Breaking off the kiss, he hovers over me, using his elbows to keep his weight from crushing me, and stares into my eyes with such longing.
The second that his lips leave mine, sense breaks through the heavy haze of lust. What am I doing? I can’t do this with him. I can’t keep playing this stupid hot and cold game. I will never be able to move on if I keep letting him take control, letting him take what he wants from me, and then leaving me behind without a second thought. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than what Jax can give.
He must have felt me stiffen because he hangs his head and sighs. The desperate expression he’s shooting my way makes it hard to not embrace him. We’re not friends. You’re my best friend’s little sister. The words play over and over again in my head. My eyes blaze as I push him off me and jump off my bed.
“I’m just Logan’s little sister, remember?”
He swallows loudly, seeming pained. Good. I want to hurt him, just like he hurt me.
“Why are you here?” I don’t even give him a chance to open his mouth before I lash out at him. “We’re not friends, Jaxon. Remember? YOU,” I point to him, “made that fucking clear the other night. I’m nothing to you. I’m just Logan’s little sister. I have NEVER been anything but Logan’s little sister to you!”
I shove him away when he reaches for my hand.
“No, don’t you dare fucking touch me, Jax! You led me on, played with my feelings! You made me fall in love with you just to walk away! I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid to believe that you actually cared about me.”
I push past him, but he grips my waist, stopping me. I’m at war with myself; my body wants to stop fighting with Jax and to give in, but my stupid mind won’t shut up. It keeps chanting over and over again, you’re my best friend’s little sister. I am so confused right now. I thought he said everything he had to say to me last night. I thought we were over for good.
Then it hits me.
Suddenly I have a new fear.
“No . . . No . . . Please . . . No.” I take a deep breath. “This is pity,” I whisper.
“What?” Jax asks
“You’re here out of pity! That’s it! You’re here out of fucking pity!”
I can tell with each word that Jax is getting madder and madder. I keep talking, watching as he paces in front of me. His fists clench tightly. He opens his mouth and snaps it shut so hard I’m surprised he doesn’t break any of his teeth. He’s seething. Good. I am, too.
“OH MY GOD! I mean so little to you that you would come over here for a pity fuck! Fuck you Jax! I—” Jax covers my mouth with his hand.
“Stop talking now, Adalynn.” He’s vibrating with fury.
The only reason why I don’t bite his hand and yell at him is because I’ve never seen him so angry before in my life. His body is shaking. If it was anyone else, like Kohen, I would be scared, but I know that I’m safe. Jax would never physically hurt me. He only hurts me by breaking down my walls and shattering my heart.
“You honestly think I’m here out of pity? You don’t think too highly of me.”
“Have you ever given me a reason to think differently?” I talk louder, blocking out his pretty words. “Why are you here?”
“You,” he says simply as if that’s answer enough.
“What does that even mean?”
“I’m always here because of you, Adalynn.”
“What?”
I swear he’s speaking another language. I have no idea what he’s trying to say right now. His eyes never stray from me as he takes the few steps to me. I didn’t even realize that I was stepping away from him.
Slowly, he softly trails his fingertips over my arm. The anger has gone. In it’s place is determination.
“I’m here because of you, Ads. We’re not friends. We’ve never been friends.”
I open my mouth to tell him that he’s already made that clear, but he places a finger over my mouth.
“Let me finish, okay? You’ve talked enough crap for the both of us lately. Now it’s my turn.”
I nod.
“We’ve always been more. My sweet Adalynn. I’m yours. I will always be yours. There isn’t anyone else. There never has been. It’s always been you. Just you.”
I’m too stunned to speak. I have too many emotions coursing through me. I want to believe everything he’s saying, I really do. I want to forget about the other night. Sadly, I can’t. It’
s just words. It’s always pretty words with him.
“I don’t believe you,” I say at last.
“I know, but I won’t stop until you do. I’m done acting like I don’t want you, you’re the most important thing in the world to me, Ads. You’re the only person who knows the real me, everything that I’ve been through, and you never look at me differently.”
“Then why have you been pushing me away every chance you get?”
“Because I thought you deserved better than me. I never meant to play games with you, it was a way for me to be close to you and not risk losing our friendship.”
I refuse to fall for his tricks again. “What changed?”
He hauls me closer until we’re a breath apart.
“I did. I realized that sharing secret smiles, and a stolen kiss every once in awhile isn’t enough for me anymore. I’m done pushing you away, Ads. I can’t act like everything is fine when it isn’t. We can’t just be friends. I want more. I’ve always wanted more. I want to be everything to you, like you’re everything to me. You’re my sun, my moon. Ever since we were kids, you lit up my world.”
My legs give out, Jax catches me. He’s always here, catching me, being my knight in shining armor. I can’t believe he’s here, saying all these wonderful things. I don’t know how many nights I’ve dreamed of him saying exactly this. I would fall into his arms and tell him I love him. That’s what I want to do now, but I can’t. If I tell him what I desperately want to say, I will be giving him all of me. I have one more small piece of my heart to hand out, and if I give it to him, he can break me. I know I won’t be strong enough to survive.
“I’m sorry. God, you have no idea how sorry I am, but I can’t, Jaxon. I would have given everything to hear you tell me all of this, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
I’m ready to hammer in the nail and finally end this, but I stop short when I gaze into his eyes. His face falls. He knows I’m about to shut him out forever. Placing both hands on each side of his face, I softly kiss his lips.
Jax grabs me roughly and kisses me with everything that he has. He puts everything into the kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that inspire poets. I kiss him back just as desperately. This is our last kiss. I know it, he knows it.
I’m not prepared for anything else.
Jax ends it, but doesn’t move away from me. A final goodbye maybe?
“I love you,” Jax says with such force I know he means it.
I drop all of my guards. I thought I was prepared to send him away, to give up on him. I wasn’t. He’s told me he loved me before, but I thought that was in the past. He’s done nothing but prove me right over the years by pushing me away every chance he got. Now, he’s standing in front of me, telling me the one thing I thought was unattainable, is within reach. He’s within reach, if I’m willing to give him another chance.
His face pales. He just told me he loves me and I haven’t said anything. I’m standing here like a mute. I love him. I know I love him. I’ve always loved him, but for some reason I can’t find the words. He moves away from me, to leave I assume. I open my mouth to stop him, but nothing comes out. The moment his green eyes penetrate mine, I know he isn’t giving up.
“I know you don’t believe me. I’ve given you every reason not to, but I do. I love you, Adalynn. Loving you is as easy as breathing. I can’t not love you. I’ve tried, I really have, but I can’t. Please, give me a chance to prove my love.”
My hands tremble at my sides. It’s now or never. I can remain silent and he will walk away. Before I can convince myself to remain silent, my lips are moving. “I love you, too.”
He sucks in a ragged breath. Okay, so that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.
“You love me?” he asks quietly.
“No, the person behind you.”
Jax bites his lower lip in that sexy way of his. Bending his head so his mouth touches my ear he whispers, “Say it again.”
Barely able to fight the urge to repeat, no the person behind you, I give in and tell the man that I love what he wants to hear and a little more.
“I love you, Jaxon. Only you. I love that you’re the one constant in my life. Despite everything we’ve put each other through, I love you. It’s always just been you, Jax. It will only ever be you.”
Jax leans his forehead against mine. Jax moves in to kiss me but I pull away slightly. There’s still one more thing that needs to be settled before I give myself over to him . . . Well two things actually.
“There is nothing more I want to do right now than get lost with you all night, but I need you to clear up something for me.”
“Anything, Ads, all you have to do is ask.”
“Are you done shutting me out? Are you done running? If you’re not, tell me now, because there will be no coming back to me if you leave me again. I can’t play this game with you anymore, Jax. So if you don’t think that you’ll be able to stay, leave now.”
“There is nothing that can push me away from you. Not even your brother. I’m so sorry for betraying your trust repeatedly. I love you, Ads. I want to be with you, nobody else. No more running, I promise.”
I start to smile, but I realize that he didn’t answer my first question.
“What about shutting me out? Are you gonna open up to me?”
“Are you going to open up to me?” he challenges.
I bite my lip, stalling. I would be easy to say yes, but I can’t. I don’t know how. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long. It seems impossible to let even Jax in. What if I let him in and I lose him?
“I don’t know how,” I finally admit.
“How about we try together? It won’t be easy for me to open up, either, even if it is to you.”
“Perfect.”
“You’re perfect,” he says huskily.
I roll my eyes. I’ve never known Jax to be this cheesy, but it sounds adorable coming out of his mouth. I’m pretty sure anything sounds adorable coming out of his mouth. All thoughts quickly float away as Jax presses his lips to mine. He traces my bottom lip with his tongue, seeking entrance. I open my mouth and moan when his tongue does devilish things to me. It’s one of the soul-breaking kisses. A kiss that ruins you. I know I will never have a kiss this intense with anyone else. It’s impossible.
I tangle my fingers into his hair. Jax bends and picks me up bridal style and carries me to my bed, as if I weigh nothing. Laying me down gently onto it, Jax breaks the kiss and memorizes my face by tracing my eyebrows, my cheeks, my lips, even my nose.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I pull his face closer to me so that our lips are almost touching. “Now show me how much I mean to you.”
Jax gives me his famous grin before kissing my nose, my cheeks, my forehead, everywhere except for the one place I need him the most. I groan in annoyance when he kisses around my mouth, never touching my lips. He’s doing this on purpose.
“Patience.”
“I hate you.” I breathe heavily.
“I love you too, Ads,” Jax says with delight in his voice.
Kissing a trail from my jaw line to my neck, he licks my earlobe, and makes me moan embarrassing loud. He moves back down to my collarbone, switching from wet kisses to licks, to my personal favorite, bites. God, the things this man can do with his mouth should be illegal.
It’s because he has had a lot of practice. I hate that stupid voice in my head right now. I try to block it out, to stay here with Jax. It doesn’t matter, they were all before me. I won’t be one of those women that fault a man for their past. It’s in the past. How far in the past? A month? A week? A day? Fuck. Without any conscious thought, I drag him up.
“What’s wr—”
“I only had sex with you,” I blurt out.
His fingers brush the hair out of my face. “I know.”
“How?” I ask even though I don’t want to hear the answer.
He’s now frowning, which worries me. I know whatever he’s about to sa
y, I’m not going to like. He moves our linked hands so they’re stretched over my head.
“Don’t get mad. I mean it. I don’t want to have to restrain you.”
I nod.
“The only guy you were with in high school was me. I assumed you didn’t get close enough to anyone after the accident. Plus I keep close tabs on you, as well as your brother when it comes to your dating life. I was getting a little nervous with Kohen being in the picture, but when we all hang out, you two never give off that intimate vibe.”
“Wait. How do you know I didn’t sleep with someone in high school after you left me? You were on the other side of the country.”
Jax looks everywhere but at me. Whatever it is, isn’t going to be good.
“Jax . . .” I prompt.
“I didn’t leave you. I was at NYU. I was going to transfer to be closer to you and . . . ”
“And what?”
A broken expression crosses over his face that I recognize all too well. Regret.
“And then we stopped talking. The accident happened and then you moved here.”
There’s something about the way he averts his gaze that makes me think he’s lying. It doesn’t make sense. There’s no reason why he would lie to me. But isn’t there?
“Is there something you’re keeping from me?” I murmur.
For some reason I know there is, and I don’t think I’m ready for the truth. A memory pushes it’s way to the forefront of my mind, but I can’t grasp it. There’s a blockage, and something within me knows it’s too painful to remember. I have my answer when he finally opens his eyes. They’re filled with unshed tears. I shake my head. I’ve never seen him like this, so whatever it is, I don’t want to know.
“Make me forget,” I whisper before bringing his lips to mine.
It takes a second of coaxing until he responds. When his tongue caresses mine, my thoughts evaporate. The only thing left is Jax. I focus on the way my breathing matches his, the way his hand trembles slightly as he touches my bare shoulder. He’s everything, taking away any painful memories. He deepens the kiss. Tangling one hand into my hair, he slowly runs his other hand down my body. I bite his lower lip while moaning into his mouth.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 33